Secrets and Sacrifice: A Christian Romance (The Shadows Trilogy Book 4)

by Juliette Duncan

  Grace let out a breath. She'd said the wrong thing. "On second thought, I'd love one."

  His smile returned and he quickly picked a gingerbread man out of the container and held it out to her.

  "Put it on a plate for Auntie Grace, Dillon," Lizzy said in a stern voice.

  He giggled. "Sorry." He picked up a small plate and after placing the gingerbread man on it, handed it to Grace with a sparkle in his eye.

  "Thank you, Dillon, it looks great." Grace took a bite just to be polite, but it actually tasted so good she took a bigger bite. Maybe Ryan was right and the highland air had given her an appetite.

  "So, how was the hike?" Lizzy leaned back, resting her hands on the ground behind her.

  "It was actually much easier than I thought it'd be, but I think I could do with a rest. I'm not used to all this physical activity."

  Lizzy gave her a warm smile. "Plenty of time before dinner. Oh, I almost forgot to tell you… there was a phone call for you. I wrote the number down inside."

  Grace's face fell. It couldn't be Caleb, because Lizzy would have said so. It had to be Niall.

  She finished her gingerbread man and managed to ease Clare off her lap. For some reason, the little girl had taken a liking to her and took whatever opportunity she could to sit on her lap. Grace thought it cute, in fact, everything about Clare was cute, from her big round eyes and adorable blond hair cut in a bob, to the thumb that perpetually lived in her mouth. "Auntie Grace has got to go, Clare. I'm sorry. I'll see you at dinner, okay?"

  The little girl nodded.

  Grace walked into the cottage and found the note Lizzy had taken. Yes, it was Niall's number. She glanced at her watch. He'd called more than three hours ago. Strange he'd be calling on a work day. Something must have happened—perhaps to his father. Why else would he be ringing? Nothing had changed between them, and he knew that.

  She dialled the number, and he answered within two rings.

  Chapter Twenty

  "Grace, thanks for calling back." Niall's voice sounded so familiar, so calm, so steady.

  "I only rang because I thought something must have happened to your father."

  "No, nothing like that… sorry to have caused you worry. I was just ringing to let you know that O'Malley's appeal has been scheduled for next week. I know you said you wouldn't be back for it, but I just thought I should let you know, in case you changed your mind."

  Grace held the receiver tighter against her ear. Her heart rate increased. The pull of the courtroom was strong, and hadn't she been thinking about returning anyway? It was tempting… very tempting. She let out a slow breath. "I'll think about it, Niall. Thanks for letting me know." She paused, her eyebrows furrowing. "Would we be against each other again?" How would she ever convince him they had no future together if they kept seeing each other?

  "Yes. Come back, Grace. I've missed you." His voice had lost its calmness, and had grown thick and unsteady.

  Grace slumped against the wall and held her hand against her head. There it was… the real reason… She exhaled slowly. "Nothing's changed, Niall."

  He didn't reply. Most likely he'd be sitting at his desk holding a photo of her. If only he'd let go of her. She wasn't any good for him, and he deserved better. Way better. He was a good man. A lovely man. A caring man. Grace closed her eyes as the acute sense of loss overwhelmed her again. Maybe she could live with him and keep her secret hidden? No, he'd find out somehow. He was a barrister, and he'd whittle it out of her eventually. She couldn't drag him down with her if ever she was discovered. She had to stay strong, keep her walls up. Even going back for the appeal would be asking for trouble… but then, she'd have to go back sometime. She'd just have to learn to live in the same city as him without allowing him back into her life. Difficult, when they'd meet in court every other day.

  "How's your father?" She had to say something.

  "Doing okay. How's Brianna?"

  "Good." She swallowed hard.

  Silence.

  "I'll think about the appeal. I need to go."

  "I love you, Grace." His words came out quickly.

  "Niall… don't…" Tears pricked her eyes and she could barely speak. "I have to go…" She hung up and made her way to her bedroom. Falling onto her bed, she sobbed into the pillow until she fell asleep.

  Sometime later, Grace woke to soft knocking on her door. Her head felt thick like concrete, heavy and lifeless.

  "Dinner's ready, Grace." Lizzy's voice came to her through her fog.

  Grace struggled to lift her head. There was no way she could drag herself to the table. "I'll be down later, Lizzy." Her voice belonged to someone else. Not to Grace O'Connor, Barrister.

  "Are you all right?" Lizzy's voice held concern.

  Grace forced herself to reply. "Just tired."

  "Okay. I'll keep your dinner warm."

  Rolling onto her back, Grace lifted her hand to her forehead and stared at the ceiling. What did she have to live for? Brianna no longer needed her, now she had Danny and religion. She couldn't marry Niall, she could never have children, not that she wanted any, hadn't even thought about it until being with Lizzy and Danny's kids, but maybe if things had been different… all she had was work. Which meant she needed to go back. Only work would provide the answer to her deep despair and loneliness. But then she'd have to see Niall… she had no choice—she'd just have to learn to ignore him. She'd have that fling with Ryan MacGregor, and then go back.

  The next couple of days passed. Grace put up her walls and pretended everything was fine. She was good at that. She even feigned joy when Brianna told her that she'd given her heart to Jesus. Grace hugged her and wished her well, but she didn't know this new Brianna. In some ways, she was more comfortable with the old Brianna. At least she understood her then, but now? It was like Brianna's past had never existed. Grace doubted it would last. It had happened too quickly. How could Brianna forget about being raped and the death of her baby just like that? Grace guessed she hadn't told anyone about either, and it would only be a matter of time before she was back on drugs. But then, she'd be Danny and Lizzy's problem, not hers.

  Grace had told everybody she'd be leaving on Monday to attend the appeal—she had no doubt the guilty judgment would be upheld, but it was an excuse to leave. She was tempted to go earlier, but everyone insisted she go to the Games on Saturday. Besides, spending the day with Ryan still held attraction. She might get to have that fling with him yet.

  The morning of the Games, Grace went with Danny, Lizzy and the children—Ryan said he'd meet her there as he was transporting the students in the mini-bus. The light, misty rain, which Danny told her was called smirr, didn’t seem to worry the crowd already filling the football field.

  As Grace stepped out of the van, Dillon took her hand. "Can you take me to the rides, Auntie Grace?" His little face was full of excitement and expectation. Grace swallowed hard. As much as she tried to pretend she wouldn't miss the children, she would. They'd broken through her walls with their innocence and honesty, and love. The sooner she could return to work, the better.

  "Dillon, leave Auntie Grace be. Daddy will take you a little later, okay?" Lizzy ruffled Dillon's dark, wavy hair and raised her brow.

  "It's all right, Lizzy, I can take him."

  Dillon jumped up and down and whooped without letting go of Grace's hand.

  Grace couldn't help herself and let out a laugh. If only she could wind the clock back…

  "Can we go now?" He was still bouncing, and his little face pleaded with her.

  "All right, Dillon. But what about James and Clare?"

  "They're too little. Come on, let's just you and me go."

  Ryan appeared from in front of the van, looking as relaxed and handsome as ever in his faded blue jeans and red, white and blue checked shirt. He met Grace's gaze, his eyes twinkling in amusement. "And where is this young man taking you?"

  Grace chuckled, but Dillon replied before she could. "To the rides. You can come too." Di
llon grabbed Ryan's hand and tried to drag both Grace and Ryan away from the van.

  "Whoa, little man. Let's see if that's okay with your mum first."

  "I said I'd take him, Ryan, it's okay." Grace's heart quickened as she looked into his blue eyes.

  "Okay then, let's go. We'll meet up with you later, Liz."

  "Thanks Ryan. Good luck with him. And you behave, Dillon… okay?" Lizzy chuckled as she raised her brow again, shooting Dillon another warning look.

  "Okay, Mummy." His voice was so cute, Grace's heart came close to melting.

  It seemed surreal, walking through the food stalls where delightful aromas of freshly baked treats filled the air, rubbing shoulders with burly Scotsmen proudly wearing their Clan's tartan, and listening to the bagpipe music blaring from the hill, but what was more surreal was that she was holding a little boy's hand and Ryan held the other. Grace fought the overwhelming sense of loss which had been surfacing more every day she stayed. She needed to go home, away from this place that just served to remind her of the life she might have had if only things had been different.

  "Would you like a coffee, Grace?" Ryan asked as they passed an area set aside with tables and chairs at the far end of the food stalls.

  "I'd love one, but we'd better take Dillon on a ride first."

  "You're right. We'll come back."

  They headed for the children's rides and let Dillon pick which ride he wanted to go on. He chose the merry-go-round, and he wanted both Grace and Ryan to go with him.

  Grace laughed. "I've never been on one of these."

  "Well, it's time you did!" Ryan dragged her onto the merry-go-round, and after he'd helped Dillon onto a dark brown horse with a cream mane, he helped Grace onto the horse to Dillon's left, a white one with a bright pink mane. Ryan took the horse to Dillon's right. As the music began and the horses rose and fell while circling the carousel, Grace almost forgot herself. How many times as young children had she and Brianna looked with envy at the other children riding the carousel at the local fair? Mam could never afford for them to go on any rides, and Aunt Hilda never let them go. Joy welled in her heart at the pure excitement on Dillon's face, but when her eyes met Ryan's smiling ones, warmth trickled through her body from the tips of her fingers to the bottom of her toes.

  "Can we ride it again?" Dillon asked, his little face fully animated.

  Laughing, Ryan ruffled Dillon's hair. "Maybe later. Auntie Grace would like a drink, and so would I. Would you like one, Dillon?"

  "Can I get a milkshake?" His eyes sparkled, just like his dad's.

  "Of course." Ryan smiled and took Dillon's hand.

  It was tempting to slip her hand into Ryan's, but she refrained, and instead, took Dillon's spare one.

  Seated at a table covered with a red and white checked plastic tablecloth and a vase with a sprig of heather sitting in the middle, Grace found it difficult to look Ryan in the eye, instead, she paid attention to Dillon. There was something unnerving sitting here with Ryan, almost like they were playing happy families. Nothing was further from the truth.

  "I like you being here, Auntie Grace. Why can't you stay?"

  Grace sighed, clasping her hands together and staring at them before slowly lifting her eyes. "You know why, Dillon. Auntie Grace has to go back to work."

  Ryan raised his brow. They'd already had this conversation, and she guessed Ryan knew she was running away, and that she didn't really need to go back.

  "I'm going to miss you."

  Grace swallowed hard. "I'm going to miss you, too, Dillon."

  Lifting her gaze, she met Ryan's magnetic blue eyes and her heart pounded. His mouth twisted in a grin that told her he knew exactly how she was feeling and what she was thinking. She held his gaze for a long moment before tearing her eyes away. He was the most infuriating man. She hated that he had the uncanny knack of seeing through her.

  "We should go find our seats. The events will be starting soon." Ryan toyed with his coffee mug.

  "Good idea." Grace downed her coffee and stood. "Come on Dillon, let's find your parents." She took his hand and didn't wait for Ryan. She needed the safety of numbers. It was foolish to think she could flirt with a man like Ryan and not get hurt. She was falling for him, and fast, and she couldn't let herself go there.

  The stadium was a-buzz with anticipation as the massed pipe bands prepared to enter the grounds. Sitting with Lizzy on one side of her, Ryan on the other, and Clare on her lap, Grace should have been happy. Brianna was sitting with her new friends, including Brayden, and looked happy and relaxed. Happy faces were everywhere. Happy faces belonging to happy people. She didn't belong amongst them.

  Somehow she got through the day. Bagpipes, drums and Highland flings gave way to caber tosses and hammer throws. Grace laughed and clapped and chatted, but inside, she was empty. It was all meaningless. None of them had any idea of the weight she was carrying. How could they? She'd told no one, not even Brianna. Why it had resurfaced of late, she didn't know, but her nightmares had increased, especially since being here with such good, kind people. And Ryan.

  "Coming to the Ceilidh tonight?" Ryan asked her as they all made their way back to their vehicles after the main events had finished. He held an umbrella over her head as the smirr grew heavier, and she had to fight the overwhelming temptation to slip her arm through his. If only she could welcome his friendship, let everything go. All day her swirling emotions had tormented her, as all her loneliness and guilt welded together to the point she just had to get away or else she'd explode. One more day… she took a deep breath and put on a bright face. "Yes, I'm looking forward to it."

  "Great! And I'm looking forward to seeing you in tartan!" His eyes sparkled as he opened the door of the van for her.

  Grace's forehead puckered. "I don't have any tartan."

  "I'm only joking. You can wear whatever you want."

  She let out a small laugh. "Okay, I'll see what I have. See you tonight."

  As she settled into her seat beside the children, Grace let her gaze linger on Ryan as he walked around to the mini-bus and chatted freely with the students as they all climbed in. He was so relaxed and happy—something she could never be.

  "Have you had a good day, Grace?" Lizzy asked as she finished buckling up Clare.

  What could she say? "No, it's been torture…?" She couldn't say that. She smiled at Lizzy. "Yes, it's been great."

  "And you're going to the Ceilidh with Ryan, I hear?"

  "So it seems." Grace gave a small chuckle. How had she gotten herself into this situation?

  "He's a nice man, Grace. You could do worse for yourself."

  Grace shrugged. "I'm not interested."

  Lizzy laughed. "Yeah, right."

  Grace met Lizzy's gaze. "I'm not interested in him, Lizzy. In him, or anyone."

  Lizzy's expression slipped. "Okay, sorry. I was only having a bit of fun."

  "Well, don't." Why was she talking to Lizzy like this? It was like someone else had taken over her tongue and words she didn't mean tumbled out. She had to get away. She didn't mean to snap at Lizzy of all people.

  Thankfully, the children's chatter filled the van on the short drive home. When they arrived, Grace excused herself and began packing.

  "What's up with Grace?" Lizzy asked Daniel when they sat down for a cup of tea after dinner before getting ready for the Ceilidh. David and Rosemary were putting the children to bed, having offered to mind them so Daniel and Lizzy could attend the dance.

  "What do you mean?" Easing back onto the sofa, Daniel angled his head, and slipping his arm around her shoulders, pulled her close.

  "I don't know, but she seems kind of… troubled, I think that's the word. She snapped at me in the car." Lizzy ran her hand slowly along Daniel's leg.

  Daniel straightened. "Grace snapped at you? What on earth made her do that?"

  Lizzy shrugged. "I just told her she could do worse than Ryan."

  Daniel laughed. "You should know better than that, Lizzy. I r
emember a time when you told me off for asking her if she had anyone special in her life."

  Lizzy let out a sigh. "Yes, you're right. I shouldn't have said anything. But even without that, she seems on edge more than normal."

  Daniel rubbed her arm. "We just have to keep praying for her, Liz, you know that. We don't know what's going on inside her, but God does."

  "You're right, Daniel." Lizzy straightened. "Maybe we should pray for her now?"

  He smiled. "Good idea. Let's do it." Taking Lizzy's hand, Daniel bowed his head. "Dear Lord, we bring Grace before You. We'd hoped that by being here, amongst those who love You, and amongst Your great creation here in the Highlands, that she might have let her walls down and opened her heart to You. We feel saddened that this hasn't happened yet, but Lord, we trust You to continue working in her heart, drawing her to Yourself, chipping away at the walls she's put up. Lord, we pray that she'll open her heart to Your love and peace, and that she'll give whatever's troubling her over to You, the great Comforter and Healer. Open the eyes of her heart to the truth of the gospel message; may she embrace the sacrifice Jesus made for her when He gave His life on the cross so that she might live. Lord, bless her this day, we pray, in Jesus' name, Amen."

  "And Lord," Lizzy cleared her throat, "give us wisdom to know what to say to Grace, especially as she's planning on leaving soon. I'm sorry for being so thoughtless with her this afternoon. And Lord, we thank You so much for the change in Brianna's life. Thank You for healing her hurts, and giving her hope for the future. We're so glad she's opened her heart to You. Continue to strengthen her on a daily basis, so that she won't succumb when temptation comes knocking on her door, as it's bound to do. Amen." Lizzy let out a slow breath as she brushed tears off her cheeks.

  "We have to leave her in God's hands, Liz."

  "I know. I just wish He'd hurry up."

  "Patience, Lizzy, patience."

  "You know that's not my forte."

  Daniel lifted his hand and brushed her cheek. His blue eyes twinkled, sending her senses into a tailspin. "Yes, but you've come a long way, Lizzy O'Connor."