by T. J. Quinn
He took one last scanner reading and added, "You settle down, and Casir and I will take you back to your quarters and let Luran sit with you for a while. She's been pacing up and down the corridor since we started. I'd have been in a helluva fix if you had up and died on me."
No such luck! Cran smiled wanly.
Chelle gathered up the used instruments and placed them on a tray for the decontamination chamber. Glancing in Casir's direction, she asked, "Have you got any real showers around here? I'm drenched with sweat, and I don't think I can handle going through that chamber again."
"Sure, love." He grinned and pulled off his mask, the need for it was past. "There's one in your quarters, last suite at the far end of this leg of the barracks."
"Thanks." She turned a silent question to her husband to see if they were finished.
"Sure. Go and enjoy yourself---you earned it. Casir and I---"
Chelle nodded. "No hurry. I'll be a while in that shower." She gave him a smile and walked toward the door. "It's been two three---the chamber on the ship is no better than that one."
As she left, Hankura and Casir lifted Cran carefully onto a stretcher and wheeled him to his quarters. There they transferred him to his bed.
"You know, I could stand a shower myself," Hankura said.
"Have you enough water around here?"
"The repurification system makes it enough. Just don't get too fond of showers after this one. We use the chambers most of the time," Casir told him.
Hankura nodded, looking down at Cran. "I'll be back to check on you after I shower and change clothes, and I don't want to find you lying here running your mouth to Luran."
"Yes, sir," Cran breathed wearily.
"Knock it off," Hankura retorted in a bantering tone. "You almost bought it this time. I swear you've got more guts than brains." He turned on the tiny scanner in his hand and noted the bio-readouts. "Well, you lucked out again. The grafts are taking---you'll be okay in a few days."
"Thanks."
"Don't mention it. I'd do the same for any fool." Hankura grinned.
Casir left, and Hankura wasn't far behind him. Luran stopped him in the corridor outside the room she shared with Cran.
"Hankura, will he really be all right?" she looked up at him with worried brown eyes.
"Yeah, we glued him back together. Just keep him out from under collapsing towers," he quipped with a feigned lightness that wouldn't fool anyone but a Normal. It certainly didn't fool Luran, a grade seven psi-path.
"Hankura ...” she faltered and hugged him gratefully.
I'm so glad you came in time. After everything else, I thought I would really lose him this time. It seems you have rescued us again.
He nodded grimly and gently put her away from him, trying to quash the bitter memories she'd sparked.
"Are you and Chelle all right?" she wondered compassionately.
"Hell, I don't know." He jerked his head to one side, averting his eyes from hers. "Sometimes, I wonder if any of us will ever be all right again. I'll let you know when I figure it out."
Hankura spun on his heel and strode down the corridor to get fresh clothes and head for the men's shower room, cursing softly under his breath. For a while, Cran's accident had been almost a blessing in disguise. It hadn't given Chelle or him time to dwell on what had happened to them on Zevus Mar a few weeks ago. But, with the crisis past, there was time to think again.
That's what sent him heading for the men's showers where he knew he'd find Casir.
Slapping his clean clothes on a shelf beside the shower stall, Hankura stripped off his surgical garb. Inside the stall across from one occupied by Casir, he keyed in his favorite temperature, and let the warm water pelt his face and run down his body. Absently, he ran his fingers through his dark hair as the water plastered it to his scalp. Then he pressed for soap he didn't really need and started lathering himself as though he might wash the hurtful memories from his mind.
It had been a long time, but Casir sensed immediately that his friend was deeply troubled. Of course, he knew the source of Hankura's problems, but he also knew enough not to pry. He'd spill it out when he was ready; Casir would know when to ask. He waited calmly for Hankura to open up.
Trying to shake his black mood, Hankura asked, "What was a man doing in such a dangerous place instead of a droid?"
"I knew you'd get to that," Casir returned, unruffled. "The droid got stuck, and we couldn't get it out. Besides---"
"Cran volunteered for the job," Hankura finished. "Of course, he'd do that." He tightened his lips in disapproval. "Isn't there a better way to get down those buildings without risking lives?"
"Sure, we could blow them down---just like the Tregans did the rest of them. But, we haven't got clearance to use those kinds of weapons. I put in a request for a Federation Military team to do it, but the request is tied up in red tape." Casir went on to explain. "They've got my hands tied. I've got three days to lay the primary pad and three more weeks to finish the whole Starport.
"A freighter is due in three days, and other ships are in route with the stuff these people badly need. We're doing the best we can with what we've got."
"And I'm sure it helped a lot for you to blow up that droid." Hankura amiably baited him.
"The little bastard was asking for it." Casir grinned sheepishly. "I wasn't going to get squashed trying to pull the damned thing out of there. I had enough trouble getting to Cran. The thing wasn't much good anyway."
"I see," Hankura chuckled. His mood was mellowing a little. "How'd you get mixed up in this mess, anyway? I'm damned glad to see you, but I was surprised to learn that you were coming."
"I couldn't let you have all the glory," Casir returned jokingly, but he stopped short when he realized he'd really hit a raw nerve. "Hey, I'm sorry. What's eating you, anyway? I've been getting weird vibes from you and Chelle ever since you got here. Cran said you---"
Not now, Casir. Hankura's eyes flashed then smoldered in bitter rage. "A lot," Hankura managed huskily, shaking his head. "If you've got the time and the carava, I'll spill it out later."
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Spilt Memories
"I've got both," Casir assured him. "It's been a long time since we've shared a couple of bottles---since Velran." He pursed his lips and blew out his breath in a low whistle. "Seven standards---Mother, it seems like a lot more."
"Doesn't it?" Hankura muttered, rinsing the soap from his face. "Sometimes, I think I'd be a lot better off if I'd never left."
"That's refuse, and you know it," Casir retorted. "As I recall, you couldn't wait to launch that Mran of yours and find Chelle."
"Yeah, I know. Anyway, twenty years at the University was enough."
"You're telling me. It was a nice place to hide away. But---we had to grow up sometime."
"Some of us never do," Hankura grinned wryly. "So why'd you come here? It's not your style."
"I don't mean to sound immodest, but I'm the best man for the job. When we got the contract, I didn't want to come. I heard what the Tregan's did." Casir sensed Hankura stiffen inwardly again, but he let it pass for the time being. Hankura would only resent it if Casir tried to probe him then.
"Then, I found out they were planning to send my crew with Starrek. Blast, I wouldn't have anyone left if I let them come with him in charge. He won't use droids at all, and he takes too many unnecessary risks. The ashes of half my people would be spread on this dirtball."
"I'd have done the same. Can you finish the job in time without risking any more lives?"
"Huh, you haven't changed much." Casir frowned---another sore spot.? What the hell? He shook his head, eyeing his old friend curiously for a moment. "Most of the risky business is done. They leveled the building as soon as we got Cran out."
"You'd better hope it's done unless you want to help me put more of your people back together."
"No, thanks! I never had much stomach for your business. That's why I gave it up when I did. I still do a g
ood neural block though, don't I?" Casir brightened, hoping to lighten Hankura's somber mood.
It partly worked. Hankura grinned faintly. "And you're still full of yourself, too."
"Watch it, friend, I nearly beat you in the last chackrin contest. You might just get me in the mood to try again."
"Ah, don't tempt me," Hankura retorted amiably. He knew exactly what Casir was trying to do, and he gave in to it for a while. "How are Jane and Delara?" They were Casir's two wives; the four of them had shared company many times on Velran.
"Gorgeous as ever," he beamed happily. "We're pregnant." Of course, it was a figure of speech.
"They carrying?" Hankura, interested.
"Are you kidding? It'd cramp their style too much while I'm away," he chuckled. "They carried just long enough to deliver the fetuses to the Nurtury on Rego. They said a natural start was good enough."
"So what'll you have?"
"Delara has a female and Jana, a male. They both come out at the same time."
"I'm happy for you. Nice work."
"Work, hell! It was the best time I'd had in six months. Of course, the Sepex helped," he chuckled. "Mother, I miss those two. It's been another six months since we've been together."
"Oh, I'm sure you found someone to warm your bed in the meantime. You always did."
"Certainly---but she's not the same. She's not one of my ladies," he sighed wistfully. "I like Sianne, and she's a good lay, but that's about what she thinks of me. I must be getting old or something."
"Aw don't give me that," Hankura scoffed. "You're thirty-seven same as me. Sex is great, but it doesn't always fill the gap, especially after you have touched another mind in love as you coupled. You had that with Jana and Delara, and I sense you have not shared that with Sianne."
"She's not psi. She just wants to get laid, no ties." Casir sighed. "It's not enough."
"Sometimes, even touching minds is not enough. It wasn't enough with Carianne. She always sensed Chelle pulling me from her."
"Does Chelle know about that---and the rest?"
"Sure. There isn't much she doesn't know about me."
"I suppose not. Was it worth it? Is psi-mating all you dreamed?"
"Sometimes, it's been pure rapture . . . most times." Hankura jammed his thumb on the button to turn off the water. "And for a while, it was pure Hell---like after the Tregans caught us on the Searching Star ...”
"Chelle was with you?" Casir ejaculated. "Oh, Mother of Life! I didn't know."
Hankura pulled out the offered chair and sat down at the small round plastic table in Casir's room. His friend set two goblets on the table between them and poured each half full of thick magenta carava. He handed Hankura one and sat down in the chair across from him.
Sipping his drink slowly, Casir said, "All right, are you going to spill it? I've never seen you like this. I heard you were on the Searching Star. No one hinted that Chelle was with you." They hurt her just like the others, didn't they? Casir couldn't quite find his voice to say the words, but Hankura knew what he meant.
"Yes!" The Aledan hissed through clenched teeth, his face twisted in anguish. He gulped from his cup and tears misted his eyes, partly from the fiery liquor and partly from his memories. Beat her, raped her, half starved her ... tormented her until I broke free and killed them both.
Tears spilled down Hankura's cheeks, and his knuckles whitened as he clutched his goblet. Trembling, he brushed the wetness from his face and took another gulp, letting Casir share freely in the horror of his memories. Most of the story didn't need repeating. There were few people in Sector Four who didn't know what had happened to the Searching Star. Exactly how they'd escaped seemed a well-kept Federation secret.
Hankura was a physician; he was sworn to protect human life---not murder people. Sometimes he thought it was murder, and others, he felt justified; the Federation considered the killings justified.
Hankura had to get Chelle away from those animals before they killed her ... or she killed herself. Sometimes, that hurt most of all---that she might have deserted him like that. Other times, he was sure it was his own fault because he hadn't got to her sooner. Mother of Life, would he never be free of the guilt? Only once before had he ever really wanted to kill anyone. Now, he couldn't even remember for sure how many men he did kill. He killed them over and over in his dreams for what they'd done to Chelle and the others. Somehow, it never seemed enough. Killing the Tregans didn't change what they had done.
"I never wanted anything to hurt her again, Casir," he murmured unevenly. "You should have seen her when I found her." And Casir did see her in Hankura's thoughts---bruised face, thin and weary, hurt and crying; Casir shuddered in the aura of Hankura's remembered anguish.
"I'd have helped you kill those bastards!" he swore. Because Hankura loved her, Casir loved Chelle as well. They were family to him. Casir trembled in rage at the atrocities committed against those he loved. "They weren't men. They were subhuman creatures."
"Yeah, sometimes it helps when I tell myself that ... sometimes nothing helps---not even carava." Hankura brushed his eyes again with the swipe of his hand and gazed into his glass a numbly.
After a time, he grinned slightly and let out a half-hearted chuckle. "I remember when she first tasted this stuff. It took her breath away." Hankura drained his cup and shoved it toward Casir for another refill.
Casir raised his eyebrows; Hankura had already drunk most of their second bottle. But, he refilled his goblet without comment.
"Did you have much trouble finding Chelle when you got to Earth? I remember you didn't expect to." Casir was curious, and he was trying to steer Hankura toward a more pleasant subject.
"I had no trouble finding Chelle....” Hankura shared the memory. “She was coming to find me as I was looking for her...” I loved her even before I laid eyes on her.
Hankura pulled back as his memories became too personal and private even to share with his closest friend...
Casir waited patiently for Hankura to go on with the story.
"... But I sure had trouble getting to Earth. The damn guidance computer in the Mran malfunctioned and ate away most of my Verlian crystals---sent me light years off course." Hankura's speech was slurred as the carava took hold. "Let me tell you, that's a helluva place to land---I nearly got myself killed when Chelle and I went to Farringay to get some new Verlian crystals." He belched and went on: "The place is run by thugs. I wonder if they will ever be completely civilized again. How could the Federation let the mother world come to that?"
"So, what happened?" Casir persisted. Hankura looked into his friend's eyes and again let the memories flow from his mind to Casir’s ...
I nearly got myself killed just like you feared by a Tregan. There had been rumors even back then that the Tregan Empire is experimenting with genetic engineering to produce biologically superior men of war. They are immune to psi probes and interrogation drugs. The only way out was to kill them.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
Journeys
"She was everything I ever dreamed, Casir---smart, beautiful, reckless---such passion."
Hankura half chuckled and sighed and stared thoughtfully into his goblet for a moment. "Chelle didn't even know she was a Psion---not even through all the years of reaching into my mind. She was even afraid of me---ran from me when I tried to approach her. It took a while for me to make her understand."
I didn't know how it could ever work. Our lives were literally worlds apart. She was illiterate and uneducated, so wild---yet innocent. But she was so beautiful, and I loved her so much! The thought of leaving her nearly tore the heart right out of me. I couldn't stay there, so I took her to Aledus. That was another mistake, a crazy, reckless mistake. But I loved her. I still love her. She's the other half of my soul.
"I knew that all along. That's why I had to find her," Hankura said aloud. "You can't break psi bonding without breaking off a piece of yourself with it. That's why I asked her to marry me and go to Aledus with me.
If she had refused, I would have just stayed on Earth with her. Sometimes, I wish she had."
"And none of this would have happened," Casir finished for him. "Does she blame you for what's happened?"
"After the messes I've gotten her into, I almost wish she would," Hankura mused.
"Hell, Hankura! You're not clairvoyant after all. What if she did blame you? I don't think anyone would punish you more than you're punishing yourself. This misplaced guilt is eating you up inside," Casir admonished bluntly. “It's not your fault!”
Suddenly, Hankura knocked his goblet off the table, spilling its contents everywhere. "How the hell am I supposed to feel? I hear her screaming in my dreams. I kill those bastards over and over again ... and I still see her face gaunt and bruised the way it was that day, the pain in her eyes. I remember the perverted things they did to her... Carava doesn't help, sleep dots don't help. The only way to ever forget is selective mind wipe, and who knows what else they'd wipe out?"
He stood up and kicked over his chair. He just wanted to smash anything he could reach.
"Come on, Hankura. Knock it off! This place is bare enough without you busting things up." Casir jumped up to dodge the table as Hankura overturned it.
Hankura, you've got to let it go. You're tearing yourself apart, and it's not doing either of you any good. How are you and Chelle going to come beyond it if you won't stop looking back? Damn, Hankura, I know it hurts. I feel it, she feels it. You're both hurting each other.
"Get out of my head, you son of a bitch! I don't need you to tell me how I feel!" Hankura turned on him drunkenly and tried to smash a fist into Casir's concerned face.
Casir ducked deftly and leaped out of his way. He had known what was coming almost as soon as Hankura---and he knew Hankura wasn't finished venting his pain and anger. Even drunk, Hankura was good at chackrin. He and Casir had always been closely matched. But damned if Hankura didn't always win at the games. Hankura lunged for him again; he was determined to land a punch this time. There was no reasoning with him. Casir spun around and kicked him not too gently in the gut then decked him.
