by T. J. Quinn
"Sorry, friend, but you asked for it." Casir stood over him, rubbing bruised knuckles. Hankura raised himself on one elbow, rubbing his jaw. Then, he swallowed hard and got that I'm-gonna-puke look on his face.
Casir grabbed his arm and pulled him to his feet, shoving him into the bathroom. "In there, please! You've made enough of a mess already! You still don't know how to hold that stuff do you."
Casir went over to the wall and pressed for a droid to clean up the room. Then he went over and stood up the table and chairs.
Good thing Chelle was drugged asleep, he thought, as he waited for Hankura to pull himself together. Otherwise, he'd have two miserable, unhappy people to cope with. Mother, it was no damned wonder Hankura was out of control. Casir hurt like hell as he wrestled inwardly with his friend's torment. It was a heavy burden to share, and only Hankura could ease it. To do that, the Aledan would have to face his feelings and come to terms with them. Casir could only try to help him do that.
Casir sank down into his chair and watched the service droid roll in and suck up the spilled carava, collecting the goblets and the spent flasks. Too bad they couldn't clean things up on Zevus Mar that easily. Too bad Hankura couldn't put his life back together that easily.
The droid left, and Hankura stumbled from the bathroom, looking pretty haggard, but less miserable.
"Feel better?" Casir asked.
"Than what?" he muttered, looking at him sheepishly. "Hey, I didn't mean---"
"I know, friend. I'm sorry things turned out the way they did for you. If I could have changed it for you, I would have," he told him solemnly. "Maybe you shouldn't have come back to Zevus Mar."
Hankura shook his head, his mouth a grim line. "It wouldn't change how we feel. I've been running since I left Velran, but you can't run away from yourself. Chelle and I have both been running. We ran from Earth, we ran from Aledus, and we ran from Zevus Mar. It's time to stop running. We had to come here and face this thing. Besides, they really need us here."
"Is there anything I can do?" Casir asked with a well of compassion for his best friend.
"You're here. If nothing else, maybe you can knock some sense into my head." He grinned tightly. "There is one thing I need to borrow ....”
"Sure, the hovercraft. Take it tomorrow. Use it all you like. I'll let you know if I need it. Do you think you'll be able to drag out tomorrow?"
"I have to," Hankura asserted. "I'll get some anti-tox." He hiccuped, still looking queasy. "Mother, nothing tastes worse than that stuff the second time around."
"Aw, did you have to say that?" Casir looked a little queasy himself.
"Sorry," Hankura murmured and took a step toward the door. "See you sometime in the morning. I'm going to bed and pass out." He stumbled drunkenly out the door, and it closed behind him.
"I don't doubt that," Casir murmured after him.
Getting up, Casir crossed the room and took out another flask of carava and a clean goblet. He poured himself another glass full and drained it.
"Damn it!" he breathed raggedly and sat down to pour himself still another drink. "I hope the hell he has plenty of anti-tox."
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
The Hard Steps
“Hankura, are you going to wake up, or do I have to drag you out of bed?" Chelle's voice came to him from somewhere far away as he felt her shaking his shoulder. “C’mon, we have to get going."
Very slowly, he opened one eye and then the other and groaned at the light. He'd forgotten the anti-tox when he came back from Casir's room; he didn't even remember getting undressed before he fell into bed but he had. Now, his head was throbbing, and it felt like it would break open at any moment. “Oh, mother, how can I feel this bad and still be alive?"
“I don't know. You don't look so good either," she needled and sat down on the edge of the bed beside him.
“Please, I beg you, don't shake this thing!"
She took his hand and pressed a med-dot to his wrist. “Look at you. What happened to your face?"
Hankura put his hand to his cheek and thought for a moment. “I guess it met with Casir's fist. I think I had a little too much, carava."
His guard was completely down, and it didn't take for more than a few seconds to learn exactly what had happened between Casir and him.
She clicked her tongue and sighed, knitting her brows slightly. “What am I going to do with you? For a smart Physician, sometimes you don't use your intellect. Venting your frustrations on Casir---your best friend---outrageous. Really! I ought to let you suffer through your hangover, but we have to find Marn and Tira."
Darling, why do you keep doing this to yourself? It isn't making things any easier for either of us. I will come to terms with this if you let me.
I'm doing the best I can. You think I don't want to?
"Yeah, well, carava one night and anti-tox in the morning isn't any good," she retorted. They had all the makings of a good argument, but it didn't go any further.
Hankura was doing the best he could. On the other hand, she was right about the carava. It wasn't the best thing to drink himself into a stupor and counteract the effects as often as he had been doing. Of course, he could point out that she was still using number three sleep dots to sleep, but then it came back to why she needed them. He'd reached up and pulled her down against him, ignoring the throbbing pain in his head. It seemed they wandered into one misadventure after another since the day they met the worst was the invasion of Zevus Mar.
Hankura had meant for things to be so much better for her when he convinced her to leave Earth, where she had lived a hand to mouth existence, literally fighting to survive. He had wanted to show her the stars and give her a better life. Well, that better life had nearly gotten that both killed---not just once but several times. The last was the worst.
But most of our journey on the Searching Star was wonderful and fulfilling. Remember Oltarin? And...
“Hey, now! I got into plenty of trouble back on Earth before you ever dropped in. It almost got you killed if you remember. Hankura, you've given me more than anyone could ever take from me. Do you think I haven't felt guilty for the things I've put you through? That mess on Aledus with Theron? Burke's men half killing you?"
"They were after my ship; they would have killed me to get it. When they shot me, they thought I was dead, or they would have finished it. But you healed me when I would have died."
"And you came to get me away from those pigs when you knew I couldn't go on. You made me hope again when there wasn't any I! You made me want to live again when I wanted to die," she said softly and gently covered his bruised cheek with her hand. Hankura felt tingling warmth in her touch, and the soreness receded from his face along with the discoloration.
" Better?" She smiled faintly.
“Fine," he murmured, knitting his brows in a slight frown. “But, Chelle, I want you to be careful with your healings. What you are going to do yesterday still terrifies me. And, even if you do learn to control it better, healings still take so much of your strength. A difficult one could endanger your life." Mother, if I had lost you.
That's what it is, isn't it? You were afraid I would die in that prison--- afraid of being alone inside yourself. It makes you angry to have become so vulnerable---to have been so bitterly forced to face your vulnerability.
Yes! And you know how it tore me apart to feel you slipping away from me, to feel you wishing for death so the pain would end---because of them and what I got you into?
I know - I knew then… And it hurts like hell to be the source of your guilt. How long are you going to punish me for losing hope when it didn't seem there could be any? I didn't want to die. I didn't want to leave you Hankura. I had no more strength to fight. I only made it because you were there to help me. But, if you can't forgive me how can I forgive myself for being so weak?
“Oh, no. Don't cry, Chelle, please don't cry." He buried his hand in her short, silky hair and cuddled her head against the hollow of his shoulder, feeli
ng the wetness of her tears against his skin. He knew it had to stop. Mother, how it hurt to know the pain behind her tears. If he couldn't stop looking back for himself, he had to do it for her. Otherwise, the wounds inside them would never heal.
Hankura held her close until her tears had dried, caressing her thoughts with tenderness and regret. He felt her pain and gripped it, hoping to push it away for her. Then, gently he pressed her from him and wiped the tears from her face.
With a ragged sigh, he said, "The memories are going to hurt both of us for a long time. We can't pretend it never happened. We have to give ourselves time to grieve and vent the anger. We can't keep using it to hurt each other. I'm sorry."
“Me too. We can do better," she smiled weakly and got up, crossing the room to the cabinet with their medkit sitting on top of it. "You'd better get dressed. I'll see if Casir wants some anti-tox and check Cran over before we go. If Casir as in as bad a shape as you were, he's going to need this."
“He is." Hankura sat up and threw back the cover without regard to his nakedness, catching the cover all Chelle tossed him. She tossed him an undergarment and gathered up the medkit as he sat watching her until she gave him a fleeting nod and passed through the open portal. As always, part of him went with her.
Luran's soft brown eyes lit with a smile, and she gestured for Chelle to come into the room she and Cran shared. Longtime friends, their conversation began without words and crossed back and forth between telepathy and spoken word often in the course of the time they were together that morning.
Cran's still sleeping. He had a pretty good night.
Good. I just want to check him with the bio scanner before we head for Elran to find Marn and Tira. I still don't know why the Federation sent them back so soon after we left Kena. How can they be living?
I'm afraid to think.
Chelle walked with Luran to Cran's bedside. Chelle took the tiny bio scanner from her pocket and turned it on, passing it slowly over Cran sleeping form. “He’s starting to heal nicely," she whispered. “I’m going to give him one more healant injection, and tomorrow you can start him on these med-dots. I'll leave you a couple yellow ones for the pain; he might still have a little."
"Thank you, Chelle," Luran spoke softly as her eyes slowly caressed Cran's rugged, almost handsome features. "I'm having a mug of jern. Join me?"
“A quick one," she assented.
In the far corner of the room, they sat across from each other and little round table that was a twin to the one in Casir's room. From a portable dispenser, Luran took two steamy mugs of a tangy reddish tea, setting one before Chelle and one in front of herself
“I am still amazed that you two arrived when you did," Luran murmured happily and took a careful sip of her hot tea
Chelle watched the steam rising from her rose colored liquid, stirring it continuously with a plastic spoon. Things weren’t going so great on Aledus - - -we tried too hard to forgets instead of facing our problems. You can't outrun the hurting.
I know. We didn't even try. Cran's been great. He was determined that we should go ahead with our life the way we planned before. Or at least we went through the motions until we can start letting ourselves feel again. With our discharge so near, we were making plans to go to Rintalis and hook up with Galaxy Construction. We were on our way out when we met up with Casir on a short layover on Kena. He signed as on no questions when he found out we were friends of you and Hankura.
It figures. Casir's a real love - - -he and Hankura go back to Velran, you know.
Luran nodded mutely. That's what he said. Our jobs are working out great, except for the accident. We're staying on with Casir when we finish here.
“We were planning to go back to Oltarin. We probably still will once we get things back together here. I want to see Orion again and of course Brandt and Jaecyn. We need to work through this first." Chelle took the spoon out of her tea and laid it on the table beside the mug. Plunging her pinkie into the liquid, she satisfied herself that it was cool, and only then did she start to drink it.
Luran smiled indulgently and shook her head at the quirk. "It's been rough for you and Hankura hasn't it?"
“It has," Chelle in admitted, trying to push back the knot in her chest. “But, I don't want to keep going back over it anymore. Hankura and I---well, we had some plans, too. It's about time we started remembering them and going through the motions until we start to feel alive again." She took several swallows of her tepid tea and set the mug down soundly. Chelle stood up suddenly and grabbed the plastic back of her chair to steady her balance. "I have to go. Hankura is waiting for me. See you later, Lu." She paused at the portal with her finger poised over the exit button. "Goddess, I'm glad you're here!"
The portal opened, and she lunged through the opening and hurried down the busy corridor.
“Me, too," Luran murmured after her. "Me, too."
They tried not to looks too closely at the landscape as the blue hovercraft glided swiftly toward the ruins of Elran about 120 kilometers west of Medrin.
“It seems unfathomable that human beings could be so mercilessly. The Zevians didn't even have a defense!"
“They were horrible beasts to enjoy killing and tormenting people while we feel guilty because we killed them to survive," Chelle of observed.
“It would worry us more if we didn't. We are healers - - not soldiers." Hankura's response was quietly reserved. “There is some small comfort that they had formed enough of an attachment to their comrades to force me to treat them. Before that, they just killed the serious casualties. It proves that their training wasn't infallible. Maybe those taken prisoner can be reprogrammed."
“Just as long as they don't try to resettle them here," Chelle replied. “Still, they must have been treated very cruelly to be the way they were, a government that breeds disposable people is disgusting."
“I know that logically, but I still am too filled with bitterness to discuss them rationally." He didn't want to talk about it anymore, and she perceptively dropped the subject.
Their craft came to arrest at the edge of what once had been a bustling little village, Elran. They were at the coordinates Marn had given them, but no one was in sight. Most land coms were out; searching by instinct was the only way the two would find their friends. They stepped out of the triangular shaped craft to look at the wreckage of the village. Staring for a long time at the rubble, it didn't seem possible for anyone to live in this. Hankura a gave half whistle in disgust. "Seeing all of this in the light of day, I'll have trouble feeling guilty anymore for what I did." Then, he paused as though he were listening. "Someone is coming."
“I sense them, too!" Chelle exclaimed softly. “Marn and Tira."
"But, there are not alone," he added nervously. "There are several others…"
“And there pretty leery of us." She glanced up at him and stepped closer. He put a protective on around her shoulders. In a few moments, Marn and Tira came into sight at the head of a small group of unfamiliar Zevians. "Hankura, Chelle!" Both Marn and Tira exclaimed as they ran to meet them.
Marn grinned at Hankura and Tira hugged Chelle excitedly. “We’ve been waiting for you two come back. We're so glad to see you. I worried about you after you left Kena."
"And we worried about you and Tira," Hankura's replied.
Tira didn't speak as she stood back and looked into Chelle's somber blue eyes. Have you been well? Chelle nodded. I’m well and so is Marn's---if he still doesn't always understand. He still misses Sesha and so do Fen and Mila, so do I.
It hasn't been easy for any of us, Tira we'll get through it together. Chelle tried to encourage her.
“Your friends don't seem quite so glad to see us as you, Marn," Hankura murmured furtively in fluent Zevian.
“You’re a telepath. That makes them nervous, and your light skinned like the Tregans." Marn and it gave him a look of apology. “We’ve only ever had a few psi-paths here, and none were Zevian. They are afraid their secret thought
s might offend you, or that you would try to take advantage of them. I've tried to make them understand it. Maybe if you talk to them…"
There was apprehension among the other Zevians, but no real hostility as Hankura's and Chelle came closer for Marn to introduce them. Then Hankura's spoke:
“We came back to Zevus Mar because we want to help you. Some of you remember the Tregan prison camp as well as we do. Just what could we take from you that they haven't already taken? We can read your thoughts and feelings, but that only helps us understand you better. We're just people, morally and legally bound not to misuse our gift of insight. Don't prejudge us because we are light skinned or because we are psi-paths. I doubt that there are any of you who have hated the Tregans more than we have. But, we can't rebuild our lives on hate. It only eats you up inside."
As Hankura's spoke and made eye contact with the Zevians, they started to relax. Even without his advantage, they could see Hankura's sincerity, and there were whispers of among them about the escape from prison that he had started. Sensing a glimmer of acceptance, Chelle smiled warmly at them, then Hankura knew they were won.
Hankura continued talking with them, explaining that he was a Physician and Chelle a Master Med-tech. When he finished, he asked, “Do any of you need or know anyone who needs treatment?" Nearly a full minute passed and nobody spoke. They waited
People stepped aside and let a slight, dark eyed woman in a simple gray shift come to the front of the group. “Please help, my husband is very sick. He cut his leg badly, trying to save some of our valuables from the wreckage of our home. His leg is swollen, and he is burning with fever. Will you come and help him?"
"Of course, we will try," Hankura nodded eloquently. "I'll get the medkit."
