He’d never told me that. I thought he had been happy with our previous arrangement—sex without strings. Wasn’t that every guy’s dream?
“You barely kissed me toward the end,” he said, his voice raspy. He swallowed repeatedly. “I just wanted you to kiss me like you used to, and you wouldn’t.”
I hadn’t purposely been withholding that act, but I understood why I had. I’d fallen in love with kissing him before I fell in love with him. He was my first kiss, and when I was too afraid to go “all the way” because we were so young, he’d satisfy me with intense kissing and heavy petting. I had always been afraid he’d get tired of my juvenile games and find a girl who was ready and willing to “put out,” but he claimed that kissing me was better than sex with anyone else.
Wrapping my arms around his neck, I whispered, “Look at me.” When he didn’t, I added, “Please.”
He met my gaze, looking so tortured and confused it broke my heart. I’d always been able to look into those clear blue eyes and read his thoughts. Tonight was no different. Being so vulnerable, and telling me things he never thought he would, killed him, but it proved to me that he was changing, that he wasn’t afraid to take a risk and be someone different.
“I. Love. You.”
His eyes slipped closed and his chest expanded with a deep breath before he crushed me against him. “Jesus, Ri, I never thought I’d hear you say that again.”
I let him hold me, knowing that was exactly what he needed. I needed it too, the reassurance that came with having his strong arms around me, the feel of his heart pounding against mine. “I wouldn’t have come to you tonight if I didn’t love you. I wouldn’t do that to you or to me.”
He kissed me slowly, leisurely, obviously intent on making up for all the times he’d tried and I’d broken the kiss instead of giving into it the way he needed me to.
I let my body speak for me as I melted into him, surrendering completely.
He held my face when our lips finally broke apart. “What does this mean? Are we a couple again?”
My stomach lurched at the possibility of trusting him completely, but it bottomed out when I thought about him walking out of my life, for good this time. Trying to be as honest with him as he’d been with me, I said, “I want to trust you, to believe we can work it out this time, but that can’t happen overnight. It’ll take time. We both have some decisions to make about the future, don’t we?”
He nodded slowly, obviously considering my words. “Yeah, I guess we do.”
“Here’s what I know for sure,” I said, curling my hands around his powerful shoulders. “I know that I love you. I know you’re not the same man I broke up with. I can see that. I can see the changes in you.”
“You can?” he asked hopefully.
“I can.” I cupped his gorgeous face, feeling his whiskers tickle my palm. “But you can’t change for me any more than I can change for you.”
“I would do anything for you,” he whispered, making it sound like a vow. “Anything. I can’t… I don’t want to lose you again, Ri. That would kill me.”
“Losing you is the worst thing I’ve ever gone through,” I admitted. “I swore I’d never risk my heart again, not with you.”
“Then why are you here?” He ran his fingers through my hair before cupping the back of my neck. “Why’d you come to my room tonight? And don’t tell me it was for the sex.”
“It wasn’t.” Though that sure as hell was a part of it. I’d laid in that big empty bed in my room, feeling hot and tingly as I fantasized about how amazing he’d made me feel the last time he’d pleasured me, and I wanted more. More of his touch. More of his body. More of those delicious moans that reminded me nothing felt better than losing myself in him. “I miss our connection. I miss what we had. Every day since we’ve been apart, there’s been this ache in my chest.” I laid his hand over my heart. “The only time it subsides is when I’m in your arms like this. But that’s not enough anymore. I want to feel alive and happy again, the way you used to make me feel.”
His full lips tipped up before he braced his hands on the door, on either side of my head. “I’m the only one who can make you feel that way?” he whispered in my hair, his hot breath fanning my face.
“You know you are.”
I knew he was thinking about the fact someone else had been in my life since we’d last made love. He had to wonder how that experience had been for me, whether Stephan had made me feel the way he had.
“But can we forget the past tonight?” I skimmed his lips with mine, wrapping my arms around his waist. “Can we just pretend that it’s our first time together, that you haven’t been with anyone else and neither have I?”
A rumble of frustration moved through him. “The thought of another man putting his hands on you—”
I pressed my finger against his mouth. “Brody, don’t. Don’t think about that now.” If he did, I’d have to think about all the other women he’d used since I set him free, and I couldn’t let myself contemplate that. It would make me sick.
“You’re right.” He took my hands as he walked backward toward the bed. “The only thing that matters is you and me. And the fact that I’m the luckiest bastard alive because you’re giving me another chance to love you.”
I smiled, thinking I was the one who felt blessed and grateful. I’d almost come to accept the fact we’d never be together again, then he walked back into my life, claiming he was ready to be the man I needed. I still didn’t know if that was a promise he could keep, but I refused to discount the possibility. I’d only live once, and if there was even the slightest possibility I could spend the rest of my life with the man I loved, I intended to cling to it… until his actions forced me to let go.
He reached for that drawstring, sucking in a sharp breath when my pants fell to reveal bare skin. “God…”
Every time Brody looked at me like that, I saw a paradox of strength and weakness. Physically, he was one of the strongest men I knew. But something in his blue eyes reminded me how fragile his heart was and that when it came to love, he could get hurt as easily as I could.
I reached for the band of his shorts, kissing him while I slipped them over his lean hips and let them fall. I raised my hands over my head so he could remove my tank top, and we were suddenly pressed together, his body warming mine and igniting a fire that spread from my scalp to the tips of my toes, swirling between my legs. I pushed him back on the bed and crawled on top of him. Never one to be dominated, Brody curled his large hands around my breasts, pressing them together while he licked my nipples until I arched my back and cried out his name.
I eased my legs apart—I’d already had all the foreplay I needed. Now I just wanted him. Buried deep inside me and promising he would never let me go again.
“Hey,” he said, grabbing my hips as I tried to ease down on his hard shaft. “I need to grab a condom. I think I have one in my wallet.”
We’d never used a condom. I’d gone on the pill when I turned sixteen. We’d been dating for a while, and I knew I wanted him to be my first. Since he hadn’t been with anyone else either, we knew we’d be safe without condoms, so that was the way it had always been, the way we assumed it always would be for us. I hated to think how many more women he’d added to the tally since we’d broken up.
“A condom.” I didn’t know why the suggestion stunned me. Maybe because it reminded me how far apart we’d drifted, that we weren’t the same innocent kids who’d given themselves to each other, believing it would be forever. “Right.”
When I would have climbed off of him, he grabbed my wrist, his eyes flashing with concern. “I only suggested it for your protection, Ri.”
“I know.” Which only made me feel worse when I felt a tear slip free.
“Baby, come on,” he said, catching my tear with his thumb. “Why’re you crying?”
“You’ve been with other women.” I sniffled, feeling like an idiot for bringing this up after I’d pleaded with him not to
bring our past into this room. I covered my face, ashamed of my outburst.
He pulled me down on top of him and curled his arms around me, almost as though he was afraid I’d flee, given the chance. “You’re the only woman I’ve ever wanted or needed.”
I couldn’t blame him for using sex to fill the void I’d left in his life. If I were a guy with a penchant for booze and gambling, I might have done the same.
“I want you to be the only woman I make love to for the rest of my life,” he whispered and kissed my temple. “And I want to be the only man you ever want or need from now on.”
“I want that too,” I said, squeezing my eyes shut so tight another tear leaked out and dripped onto his chest.
“I want you to know I didn’t sleep with anyone else until I showed up at your place and found you with him.”
The timing shouldn’t matter, but it did. At least he’d waited until he knew I was sleeping with someone else before he took the plunge. “So all that time we were seeing each other casually, you didn’t sleep with anyone else?” He’d once told me he hadn’t, but I needed to hear it again.
“Never. I was always faithful to you, Ri. Always.”
The fierceness in his voice put all of my lingering doubts to rest. “I believe you.”
“I sure as hell don’t want to talk about this,” he said, running his hand up and down my back. “Especially not now. But I guess we should.”
“What?” I asked, trying not to let my wildly beating heart betray my fear. What was he going to say? Would it change everything for us?
“I never had sex with anyone else without a condom.”
“Oh.” I released a slow, even breathe. “Me neither. I mean, Stephan was the only person I made love to—”
“Don’t.” His fingertips suddenly bit into my hips. “Don’t talk about him. Don’t call what you did with him making love. It wasn’t. You had sex with him. You make love to me. Only me.”
Drawing back to look him in the eye, I gave him the reassurance I thought he needed. “You’re right. I—”
He cut me off with a fierce kiss, letting me know how hard it was for him to talk about this. “Ri, I want it to be like it’s always been. I mean, I don’t want to use a condom. Not with you.”
“I don’t want to either.”
***
Brody
Though she tried to coax me, I refused to surrender until I’d pleasured her with my hands and mouth, one right after another, watching her tremble and moan while whispering my name. But I couldn’t hold out another second, not when my entire body was coiled tight, desperate to feel her again.
My eyes locked with hers as I entered her, savoring every second. Her hands were clasped tightly in mine, resting on either side of her head. I moved slowly, wanting to enjoy the experience the way I should have our first time. But then we’d both been young and scared. Excited and anxious. I hadn’t known then I would still love this woman twenty years later, or that my life would feel like a vast wasteland without her.
“I love you,” I mouthed, knowing I didn’t have to say it. She could feel it. Sense it. Count on it. Always.
“I love you too.” She gasped as she rotated her hips, her body responding to mine. “God, Brody. You make me feel…”
“Tell me.” I thrust harder, anxious to hear all the words she’d been suppressing.
“Incredible.”
My mind was shutting down, my body taking over as I got lost in sensory overload. She permeated every part of me—her scent, our scent filling the air, her taste still on my lips, her cries punctuating the silence—but it was the sight of her that was doing me in. She’d never looked more gorgeous, with her hair splayed across the white pillow, her skin glistening with exertion, and her blue eyes heavy with lust as she coiled her legs around my waist, drawing me tighter.
“Give yourself to me, Ri. I want all of you.”
“You have all of me,” she panted, biting her lip as her hands squeezed mine.
You have all of me. Those words echoed in my ears. I reminded myself how lucky I was to get another chance with her. I would never take her or what we had for granted again. From now on, I’d give her everything she needed and more than she’d ever ask for.
Her release seemed to take her by surprise as her body shivered. “God, I can’t take anymore.”
I lowered myself and collected her in my arms, holding her close. I was hovering on the verge myself, but I wanted this to last. Forever. The word slammed into me as I realized that was exactly what I wanted—forever with Riley.
Kissing her slowly, I cradled her head in my hands, staring into her eyes. “You do realize I can never let you go now, right?”
Wrapping her arms around my neck with a contented sigh, she asked, “What makes you think I’d want to let you go? I may keep you here, locked up in this room, and have my wicked way with you.”
She was teasing, but I was serious. She was it for me, and I intended to make sure I would be it for her. Having to survive countless nights knowing another man was warming her bed had been hell on my heart, and I would never endure that again.
When she licked my neck while clasping me in her tight heat, I finally let go. Not just physically, but emotionally. I let go of the fear she would leave me again. I let go of my bitterness over her finding someone else. I let go of my lingering doubts about making a lasting commitment and decided to embrace the possibility instead.
I was still throbbing inside her when I pressed my lips against her ear and whispered, “I want to marry you, Ri.”
I could have sworn her heart stopped beating when she gripped my shoulders, her nails piercing my skin. “What did you say?”
“I said I want to marry you.” I didn’t think it would come as such a surprise to her. She had to know how I felt, that I could never be with anyone else.
She shook her head as though she was in denial. “No, you’re just saying that because you’re high on the sex.” She tried to wriggle out from under me. “You don’t mean it. You can’t mean it.”
That wasn’t the reaction I’d been expecting. Was I crazy? I thought this was what she wanted. But she scrambled to the edge of the bed.
“Where are you going?” I asked, grabbing her wrist. “We need to talk about this.”
“I know, I just need a minute.”
She sprinted to the bathroom door, and I listened to the water running before the sound of the shower made me close my eyes. She was shutting me out, trying to wash away the remnants of what had just happened, But why? The Riley I knew would have cuddled up in my arms and talked about the wedding of her dreams until she fell asleep on my chest. She wouldn’t have run in the opposite direction at the first mention of our future.
As soon as she turned off the water, I slipped into my shorts and tapped on the bathroom door.
“Come in,” she said, sounding despondent.
I let the steam filter out of the room as I leaned against the doorframe, crossing my arms. “You want to tell me why you bailed when I told you I wanted to marry you?”
She looked into the foggy mirror, brushing her wet hair off her face while adjusting the towel secured between her breasts. “I just wasn’t expecting you to say that. It took me by surprise.”
Walking up behind her, I looked at our reflections. We were a sharp contrast and always had been. Her hair was light, her skin fair, while mine were dark. She was sweet and innocent, kind and good. She’d believed in happy endings until I’d convinced her otherwise. I’d seen so much pain, experienced so much fear and desperation. Without meaning to, I’d stolen her hope.
“I’m sorry.” I kissed her damp shoulder as our blue eyes met in the mirror.
“For what?” she asked, confusion drawing a line between her arched brows.
“For making you so cynical.”
“I don’t think I’m cynical.” She drew a heart on the mirror in the fading fog. “Am I?”
“You used to believe in me. In us. You don’t
anymore. That’s my fault. I broke your trust, your faith in me.”
Riley looked as if she wanted to argue, but she eventually nodded. “You think we can get it back?” She drew a deep breath. “I want to, Brody. I can’t control the way I feel about you. I love you. I know I always will. But trusting that you’ll be there for me, that you’re really ready to be a husband and…”
I knew she was about to say father but couldn’t risk another disappointment. “I’m not trying to rush you,” I said, trying to put her mind at ease. “I know this must have come out of nowhere for you.”
“Yeah, I guess it did.” She linked her fingers with mine, bringing both to rest on her shoulder. “I gave up on the idea of a future with you a long time ago. Not because I wanted to, because I had to. For the sake of my sanity.”
“I get that. I do,” I said, turning her into my arms. “And I know that talk is cheap. It’ll take time, no doubt a long time, to prove to you that I’ve changed, or at least that I’m willing to try.” Seeing my father again had helped me to realize that maybe, just maybe, change was possible. If he could, anyone could, including me.
She wrapped her hands around my face. “I’m not asking you to be someone else. I love you for who you are. But I’m still not sure we’re compatible. How do I know you won’t get tired of being in one place and decide to hit the road again?”
I hadn’t said in so many words that I intended to give up gambling, but that’s what a life with Riley would entail. A few years ago, it would have felt like too big a sacrifice. Now it just felt like the next logical step. “I know we have a lot of things to figure out. I just want to know that you’re open to trying, that you want to make this work as much as I do.”
“Do you think I would have made love to you tonight if I didn’t want that?” she asked, her voice barely above a whisper. “But when you mentioned marriage, all of my hopes and dreams, the ones I’ve suppressed for so long, came flooding back, and I got scared.”
Brody Page 9
