Three’s a Crowd
Page 43
She crossed back over to the wardrobe, flicking through the hangers, till she landed on a plain black long-sleeved T-shirt. That would do; she didn’t want to look like she’d got changed specially, this could be something she’d wear around the house. She scuppered back down the hall, pulling the T-shirt over her head. She picked up her dinner plate and glass off the coffee table and ran them out to the sink. She turned on the tap, too hard, and water sprayed up all over her.
‘Fuck!’
Calm down! Rachel leaned against the sink for a moment, catching her breath. She picked up a tea towel and dabbed at her top. Blast, she would have to change it. Back in her room, flicking through the hangers in her wardrobe again, she started to panic. The black top was perfect – neat, unassuming, clean . . .
The security buzzer sounded. What the? That wasn’t twenty minutes. Bugger. She ran out to the hall and pressed the button to release the security door, not bothering to check, she knew it wasn’t going to be anyone else. She dashed back into her room and yanked the first thing off the hanger. Crap! It was the green top. She didn’t have any time. She pulled it on, shook out her hair again and walked out of the room as she heard his knock.
Rachel took a breath and forced herself to take slow, steady steps to the door. Her hand was shaking as she reached up and turned the lock. The door swung back. And he was standing there.
‘Hi,’ said Tom.
‘Hi.’ She stepped out of the way and he walked in, stooping to give her a quick kiss on the cheek.
‘It’s good to see you, Rach.’
She nodded. ‘Go through,’ she said, turning to close the door again. She followed him down the hall, gazing at his back, the caramel curls at the nape of his neck, his broad shoulders. Oh God.
He walked into the living room and turned around to face her, looking straight into her eyes. It felt as though a lightning bolt shot through her.
‘Please, sit,’ she somehow managed to say. ‘Can I get you something? A drink?’
He shook his head. ‘No, I’m right.’ He crossed over to the couch and sat down as Rachel dropped into the armchair closest, twisting her legs up underneath her and clasping her arms around herself like she was attempting some weird yoga pose; the Coiled Spring, perhaps.
Tom sat forwards, resting his elbows on his knees. ‘How have you been, Rachel?’
‘Fine, good, nothing to report.’ She gave a nervous laugh. Deflect, deflect. She did not want to talk about herself. If she talked about herself she might end up saying that she missed him so much that sometimes she didn’t know how she was going to get through the day. Then the next day would be a little better, and the day after, then something would send her plummeting again, a pair of blue eyes across the counter, or a couple walking arm in arm ahead of her. And then she’d wonder how come they got to be happy. And what had she done to deserve this? And then she’d get angry, and worse, bitter, and it would take days before she could pull herself out of that dark pit again.
So no, she did not want to talk about herself.
‘Um, how are you?’ she said instead. ‘How are the girls? Is everything all right?’
He nodded slowly, clasping his hands together. ‘They’re good, thanks. We’re all good. We’ve made some big changes.’
‘Oh?’
‘Yeah.’ He paused, thinking. ‘I wanted to thank you, Rachel. You were right, about everything.’
Somehow that wasn’t reassuring right now.
‘I’ve spent a lot of time with the girls,’ he went on. ‘We’ve talked and talked, there were so many things I wasn’t aware of . . . And we’ve discussed a whole lot of options and possibilities. And, well, look, you don’t want to hear all the ins and outs, but the thing is, I’ve put the house on the market and we’re going away for a while.’
‘Oh,’ said Rachel. ‘Where to?’
‘We’ve got round-the-world tickets. We’re off to do the backpacking thing I never got to do all those years ago.’
She hadn’t expected that. She didn’t know what she was expecting, but not that. ‘Wow, Tom,’ she said quietly. ‘That’s wonderful. I’m really happy for you.’
He nodded. ‘Yeah, it’s great, really, the girls are very excited.’
‘How long are you going to be away?’
‘Well, you know how those tickets work, you have a year to use them. But I don’t think we’ll go for quite that long, it’ll be too disruptive to their schooling.’
‘Oh, of course, school,’ said Rachel. ‘What are you going to do about that?’
‘Well, it doesn’t matter for Sophie, because she’s already a senior, so she’s not legally required to attend school.’
Rachel frowned. ‘So she’s quitting?’
‘Not exactly. She’ll have to do Year 11 over, but she can go to a senior college, so it won’t feel so much like she’s repeating.’
‘And Hannah?’
‘We had to jump through a few hoops with the education department, but she was considered a special case because of her mother. So they’ve given us units of work for her to complete while she’s away, which should be a challenge,’ he added wryly. ‘But Sophie has promised to help.’
‘And Hannah’s okay with that?’
He nodded. ‘She’s had her moments – you know what their friends are like to them at that age. But her sister is very persuasive. She’s been the driving force behind this whole thing.’
‘So I suppose you’re going to South America?’ asked Rachel.
Tom smiled faintly. ‘Yes we are, as a matter of fact. Sophie wants to check it out. And quite frankly I’m happy to be checking it out too, if she does decide she wants to do the exchange thing later.’
Rachel’s head was buzzing, trying to take it all in. ‘And what about your job, Tom?’
‘That was the easiest decision,’ he said plainly. ‘I quit.’
‘But how will you live?’ she blurted. ‘Sorry, that’s none of my business.’
‘It’s okay.’ He paused, sitting back. ‘Thing is, Annie had a life-insurance policy. It was something she insisted on, way back. She said if anything ever happened to her I’d need help with the girls. And she was right. I just couldn’t bring myself to cash it in before now. But this is for the girls, so . . .’
Rachel nodded. ‘You don’t need to explain, Tom.’
He shrugged.
‘So when do you leave?’ she asked.
He took a breath. ‘End of the week.’
Her heart dropped into the pit of her stomach. ‘I see.’
‘Rachel, there’s so much I want to say to you . . .’
‘No, Tom, it’s probably better if you don’t say anything,’ she said firmly. ‘I’m happy for you, I really am, please know that. This is an amazing thing you’re doing. A lot of people wouldn’t have the guts.’
‘I’m only doing it because of you,’ he said. ‘You forced me out of here, made me face up to my responsibilities and connect with my daughters again. I had been keeping them at arm’s distance, because I just didn’t know how I was going to be able to love them enough to make up for their mother. And I’ve finally realised I don’t have to do that, I just have to be their dad.’
Rachel smiled faintly. ‘I’m so glad, Tom.’
‘That was an extraordinary, selfless thing you did for us,’ he went on. ‘You know, I hope you don’t mind me saying, but Annie would be very impressed.’
She shrugged. ‘I think she’d be pretty impressed with you right now as well.’
He was staring at her with a wistful look in his eyes. ‘Rachel, I wish . . .’
‘No, Tom. Let’s not.’
‘Okay,’ he nodded. ‘You’re right, I know. But you do understand why I wanted to tell you in person? I didn’t want to just disappear without the chance to explain.’
‘Of course, and I appreciate that.’
He looked at her intently. ‘And I also wanted to make sure . . . Well, are you going to be okay, Rach? I worry about you.’
‘So . . .’ she said, uncoiling herself and getting to her feet.
Tom stood up as well. ‘I’ll get out of your way then.’
He followed her up the hall and she turned to face him at the door. ‘Thanks for coming, Tom. You go have a fantastic time. Give the girls my love.’
He had a strange look on his face and his eyes were glassy. ‘Rachel, would it be okay . . .’
‘What?’
‘Well, would a hug be . . . inappropriate?’
She breathed out. ‘Of course not.’
He took her in his arms and they held each other close. So close, Rachel could feel his chest heaving, his heart beating against her.
‘Tom,’ she said after a long while had passed and he hadn’t moved.
‘I can’t let go,’ he said.
‘Yes you can.’
‘I can’t.’
‘You have to,’ said Rachel, looking up at him. ‘You’ve got a plane to catch.’
They stared at each other, and Rachel didn’t know who moved first, but all of a sudden their mouths were locked and they were kissing, deeply, and then frantically. And they were pulling at each other’s clothes, and stumbling back down the hall to her room. They fell onto the bed and they made love like it was the last time either of them ever would.
Afterwards, Rachel rolled over onto her side and Tom curled into her back, holding her close.
‘I love you,’ he said.
‘I love you too.’
‘I don’t want to go, Rachel. I don’t want to leave you.’
She shifted, turning her head around to look at him. ‘You have to, Tom. But can you do me a favour?’
‘Anything.’
‘Stay until I fall asleep.’
He brought his hand up to cup her face, kissing her gently. ‘Of course.’
Rachel turned around again and he moulded himself into her back, wrapping his arms around her and resting his cheek against hers.
That was the last thing Rachel remembered. The next morning, she woke up alone.
Winter
Rachel strolled up towards the cemetery gates, clutching a small posy of flowers. It felt a little weird coming here again. She could never pass this way without thinking of Annie. It was strange to imagine her here, buried under the ground. Sometimes it felt a little creepy, other times it was comforting.
Today she was meeting Lexie and they were going to visit Annie’s grave to inspect her newly laid headstone. Rachel hadn’t realised how long these things could take, but she’d never known anyone who’d died before, so how would she know? Apparently Tom had recently been in touch with Lexie; he’d been notified that the headstone had finally been laid and had asked if she wouldn’t mind going to check it out for them. So Lexie had called Rachel; she didn’t want to go on her own, which was quite understandable.
She wasn’t waiting at the gates when Rachel arrived, but as Lexie was even less punctual than she was, Rachel didn’t really expect her to be. And it wasn’t long before she spotted her, bustling her way up the street, wrapped in a coat and gloves and scarf and a beanie. It was cold today, but she was perhaps overdoing it.
‘Hi,’ Lexie called out as she approached, her face all pink from the cold air. ‘I’m so sorry, Rachel, I didn’t want to keep you waiting.’
‘It’s fine, Lexie, I’ve only been here a few minutes.’
‘That’s good.’ She came right up to her, giving her a hug. ‘Oh, damn,’ she said, stepping back. ‘I meant to bring flowers too, it completely went out of my mind this morning. I got caught up trying to figure out how to use the camera on my phone.’
‘What for?’
‘I want to take a photo, for Tom and the girls.’
Rachel nodded.
‘So, how are you anyway?’ Lexie asked.
‘Good, thanks. Everything’s good.’
‘Have you heard from the uni yet?’
‘Any day now.’
‘Well, I’m sure you’ll be accepted,’ she said reassuringly. ‘So . . .’
Rachel looked at her, wondering what they were waiting for. They could walk and talk.
‘I heard from Tom, like I told you,’ said Lexie. ‘They’re all doing really well, trekking their way across Europe. Have you had any word from them at all?’
She shook her head. ‘It’s better that way.’
‘Of course,’ said Lexie, giving her arm a pat. ‘He did ask after you. He always asks after you.’
Rachel nodded. She really didn’t want to know. It was best not to know what he was doing, or where he was, because then she might be tempted to work out their route, count down days, imagine what might be when he came back. And that was when she hit dangerous territory. Because there were no guarantees. Tom could be in a very different place now, and not just geographically. Rachel had had to accept that once they were apart, and he gave himself the space to grieve properly for Annie, he might not feel the same way about her. She had been his safe harbour and now he had set sail. Anything was possible.
But nothing had changed at this end; Rachel still ached for him, every day. She tried to keep herself busy, keep her mind off him, but that was difficult working part-time at a juice bar. She simply had to get into this course, or she didn’t know what she was going to do with herself.
‘And how are your plans coming along?’ she asked Lexie, changing the subject.
‘Everything’s full speed ahead. We close on the restaurant in Orange in less than a fortnight, can you believe it?’
‘So your house must be on the market already?’
‘No, we’ve decided to rent it out,’ she explained. ‘Everyone, both sides of the family, told us we were mad giving up real estate in Sydney. And the bank seemed to agree. We had enough capital from the sale of the business, so, blah blah, with the house counted as part of our “portfolio”,’ she gave a little shriek at that idea, ‘everything went through without a hitch.’
‘So when do you move?’
‘Oh, it’ll take a couple of months yet,’ she explained. ‘Actually renting the house makes things a lot easier. We can stay here while Scott travels back and forth organising the renovations and setting everything up. And then we can move when it suits us, which will be a lot less stress in the end.’
‘Still, it’s a big move, Lexie,’ said Rachel.
‘But I’m just so excited,’ she said. ‘I can’t tell you. I’m busting to get up there and get started. We’ve got so many plans.’
Rachel smiled. ‘I’m really happy for you guys. Even though I am going to miss you.’
‘Oh, we’re going to miss you too,’ said Lexie. ‘That’s why you have to come up and visit as often as you can.’
‘Oh, I think I’ll have to get in line behind all the family.’
‘You will get priority whenever you say the word.’
‘Thank you,’ said Rachel. ‘That’s very sweet. I’ll look forward to it.’
Lexie nodded, glancing around. It seemed as though she was stalling, maybe she felt uncomfortable about visiting the grave. She was so close to Annie, and the last time she was here she had been in quite a state. But it had to be done, so Rachel decided maybe it was up to her to move things along.
‘So,’ she said, ‘shall we do this?’
Lexie frowned, checking her watch. ‘In a minute,’ she said vaguely.
Rachel was beginning to wonder what was going on, when she heard a faint toot, and then a car swept around the corner in front of them. Catherine’s car. They watched as it pulled up across the road.
‘Lexie,’ Rachel sighed.
‘Oh, please don’t be cross, Rachel,’ she said, turning to her. ‘I just thought we should all be together for this, it seemed like the right thing.’
‘I’m sorry,’
she said. ‘I don’t think I can stay.’
Lexie grabbed her arm. ‘Please, Rachel.’
‘Lexie, you know I haven’t talked to her in all this time.’
‘I know, and you won’t ever have to again, if you don’t want to. But let’s just do this one last thing together. For Annie.’
‘You think Annie would want her here?’
Lexie shrugged, biting her lip. ‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have butted in. But you two have been friends for such a long time, it just seemed wrong to end it without even a word to each other.’
They heard the beep of a remote lock and looked over to see Catherine walking across the street, carrying a huge arrangement of flowers in her arms. Typical. It was too late, it would be awkward now whatever Rachel did.
‘Fine,’ she sighed.
‘Oh, thank you so much,’ Lexie gushed. She rushed forwards to meet Catherine, while Rachel hung back where she was. She had actually talked to Catherine once, over the phone. She’d finally decided, after Tom left, that she had to put an end to the constant stream of messages. Catherine had gradually realised that Rachel was deliberately avoiding her, and her messages had evolved from cheery ‘We have to debrief’ to ‘What’s going on?’ to ‘Please, Rachel, pick up. What’s wrong?’
So she had spoken to her, though only briefly. She basically told her she needed a break, some space, time out. Catherine had been a little taken aback.
‘Time out? What are you talking about?’
‘I just can’t be around you right now, Catherine.’
‘If this is about the Tom thing, I know I handled that badly on the night, but really, isn’t that all in the past now? I heard you two even broke up. You couldn’t still be jealous, surely?’