Derailed

by Alyssa Rose Ivy

  I loved how, even though Ben was playing to a large crowd, sometimes it still felt like he sang just to me. He looked over at me more times than I could count. By the end of the set, I was in a really good mood. I forgot that listening to him could have that effect. I hadn’t even gone beyond two beers. For me that was good.

  Ben walked toward us with the rest of his band, and out of instinct, I stood up and rushed over to him. “You were amazing!”

  “Was I?” Ben hugged me before kissing me on the lips. “I can’t tell you how much I’ve missed having you in the audience.”

  “Ahem.” Greg, the drummer cleared his throat. “Nice to see you, Molly. I guess some things never change.”

  I hadn’t really thought about whether it would be awkward to see the rest of Ben’s band. I’d taken it for granted that Aaron was glad to see me, but hadn’t really considered the others. They just seemed relieved that Ben was in high spirits.

  “Hey, guys.” I waved, letting Ben pull me onto his lap as he took a seat at the table.

  “There are plenty of seats,” Kelly teased.

  “Molly’s just fine where she is.” He wrapped his arms tighter around me. Ben could clearly tell I was letting a wall down, and he was taking full advantage.

  “How was the drive over?” Ben asked Jake and me.

  “Fine,” I said quickly. As upsetting as parts of it had been, it was nice to have things out in the open.

  “She’s in one piece, isn’t she?” Jake added.

  Ben whispered in my ear, “I’m not sure about that. I might need to do a more thorough examination.”

  I swatted him away. “You have a dirty mind.”

  “You’re sitting on my lap, what do you expect?”

  “All right, I’ll just get up then.”

  “Nuh uh. I like you right where you are.”

  Ben didn’t let go until he had to get ready to play again.

  As soon as Ben left, Kelly descended. “Let’s go to the bathroom.”

  “All right.” I followed her, ready for the onslaught.

  She waited until the door closed behind us. “Still going to tell me you’re just casually exclusive or whatever you were calling it?”

  “I don’t know what’s going on, but I can’t stay away from him.” I took an elastic band from around my wrist and pulled my hair back into a ponytail. The bar was hot, and I was nervous about talking to Ben.

  “No kidding. He looks like a kid in a candy store, by the way. I think we know how he feels about it.”

  “I don’t know what’s going to happen long term, but for now I might just see where it goes.”

  She reapplied her lipstick. “You have to tell him the truth about Adam.”

  “I know. But not now. I don’t want to ruin it yet.”

  “Why would it ruin anything? It won’t change how he feels.”

  “Please. Just let it go for tonight.”

  “Okay. But it’s going to happen eventually.”

  “I know.”

  I pushed the thoughts away. We headed back out just as the Grizzlies started the set. Kelly and Tom left before it was over. Tom was still tired from working overtime the night before.

  Ben announced he was about to play his last song, and the audience started chanting for “Six Feet Under.” My stomach clenched. He’d promised.

  “Sorry, folks, we won’t be playing that song anymore.”

  Boos followed.

  “Don’t you want to know why?” Ben asked with a grin.

  A variety of answers came from the crowd, the most vocal being that they didn’t care.

  “She’s come back to me.” Ben smiled right at me before starting in on another one of their songs. The crowd cheered. Evidently they did care.

  I was so busy planning what I was going to tell him that I didn’t realize the band had finished. Ben’s arms slid around my waist pulling me back against him. “Any chance I get to take you home tonight?”

  “Do I even have to answer that?”

  “Let’s get out of here.” He grabbed his guitar, took my hand, and pulled me out the door.

  “Wow, where’s the fire?”

  “You look too hot tonight.” Ben buckled my seatbelt for me, inpatient and ready to leave. We were on the road within seconds.

  He put his hand on my leg, just where the fabric from my skirt ended.

  “Can I talk to you about something?”

  He looked over at me worriedly. “As long as you’re not about to tell me to drop you off at home, because if that’s what you’re about to ask, the answer is no.”

  “No, it’s just that… I’m not so sure I can keep doing this whole casual thing.”

  “I’m listening.”

  “Can’t you make this easier on me?” I gave him my best pleading look.

  “As far as I’m concerned, you became my girlfriend when you agreed to make us exclusive.”

  “Wow, am I really Ben Mathews’s girlfriend again?”

  He moved his hand under my skirt and squeezed my leg. “Hell yes. It’s about time.”

  ***

  Even though Ben and I had been together many times since I’d been back in town, that night was different. He carried me inside and right to his bedroom, placing me gently down on his bed. He undressed me slowly, and I did the same for him. Neither of us wanted to rush it, afraid of destroying the magic.

  “I wish I could take a picture of you right now.” He slid in beside me. He’d pulled down the quilt, and the sheets felt cool below us.

  “A picture?” I closed my eyes, enjoying how good it felt to have his hands tracing over my curves.

  “Yeah, you look so happy. I’ve missed that.”

  “I’ve missed it too.”

  ***

  I fought off sleep, but it wasn’t easy. Wrapped in a cocoon of Ben’s arms, legs, and the sheet, my eyes kept blinking shut. I’d made a mistake. It was the middle of the night, and I didn’t have my car. If I wanted to leave, I’d have to walk home.

  I tried to make a to-do list, counted numbers backward, anything to fight it, but I felt my consciousness fading.

  Adam’s screams were different. He smiled, almost laughing as I struggled to reach him. “I won’t be alone anymore.” His eyes met mine, and I couldn’t look away.

  “What?” Was the hook about to let me go? Would I get to him in time?

  “Thanks for giving him to me. It seems you’re building yourself a nice collection.”

  “What?”

  I looked past him and saw my dad’s head bobbing in the water, but it was the face next to him that turned my blood cold—Ben.

  “No!” I screamed, as the hook dropped me into the icy water, but I didn’t fight it this time. I had no reason left to try.

  I screamed and thrashed, trying to push away the fragments from the dream. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t move. I should have been able to move.

  “Molly? What’s wrong?” Ben’s hoarse voice, heavy with sleep, came from right next to me, and I remembered where I was.

  “I’m sorry.” I struggled out of his arms and searched around for my clothes in the dark.

  “Where are you going? What’s going on? Did you have a nightmare?” Ben sat upright, still trying to wake up.

  “This has to stop! I can’t do this to you too.” I gave up on finding my bra and pulled my tank on.

  I threw on my skirt, found my shoes, and headed through the doorway of his bedroom. Reaching up, I traced over the dent in the wall. I’d already caused enough damage.

  “Molly! What are you talking about? You can’t just leave.”

  “I’ve done it before, haven’t I?” I didn’t wait for a response. I found my purse by the front door and walked outside.

  “Wait! What the fuck!?” Ben ran after me.

  Catching up to me on his front lawn, he pulled back on my shoulder, spinning me around. “What’s going on?”

  I looked at him, standing out in the front yard in just his boxers, wearing
an expression like I’d just pulled the rug out from under him—which maybe I had. “I’m leaving.”

  “Why? Because you had a bad dream?”

  “No, because I can’t be with you.”

  “Why the hell not? A few hours ago you were all about it.”

  “Just because. And you need to get inside. Your neighbors are going to come out.”

  “You think I give a shit if the neighbors hear us?” He put his head in his hands. “I know what this is about.”

  “Do you?” I challenged, wanting to reach out to him, to comfort him, but knowing I couldn’t.

  “It’s Adam, right? You still want to get back with him.”

  I shook my head, feeling the tears spill.

  “Because if that’s the case, you better make up your mind now.”

  “You don’t have to worry about Adam,” I said quietly.

  “How can I be sure when you won’t tell me anything?”

  “He’s dead.” Saying the words out loud was too much for me. I fell to my knees in the wet grass.

  Ben’s hands lifted my face to him. “He’s dead? I thought you guys broke up.”

  “I didn’t want anyone to know. I didn’t want the sympathy when I didn’t deserve it.” I started to sob, unable to hold in the anguish.

  I felt Ben lift me up, cradling me against his chest as he carried me inside and back to his room. He kept me in his arms as he laid us down. “Shh, it’s okay. I’m here. It’s okay.” He brushed my hair gently off my face.

  “I—”

  “You don’t have to talk until you’re ready.” He traced a comforting pattern of circles on my back.

  I choked back a sob. “He knew. He had to have known.”

  “Known what?”

  “That I didn’t want to marry him.” I finally admitted out loud something I’d been trying to deny for months.

  “You didn’t?” Ben wiped away some of my tears.

  “I asked him if he was okay postponing the wedding. We didn’t have enough money, so I wanted to finish school first. After a huge fight, he finally agreed. But he knew it was more than that—something was missing.”

  Ben nodded, so I continued. “I had no idea he was losing his job. I didn’t find that out until after—”

  “What happened… was it an accident?”

  “No. He jumped. He jumped off the Tobin Bridge.”

  “Jesus.” Ben sat up, pulling me into his lap.

  “When he didn’t come home that night, I assumed he was working late and didn’t bother to call, so I just went to sleep. The call came a few hours later; I had to ID the body. Then I had to tell his parents.”

  I whimpered, picturing Adam’s lifeless face, eyes closed, but looking anything but peaceful. I saw that face every night. I remembered his Mom’s voice on the phone. How I told her he was gone, and she thought I meant he’d left me. When she finally understood, her wails had made me drop my phone and pass out. “If it weren’t for my friend Becca, I don’t think I would have made it. She was the only one I could turn to.”

  Ben exhaled loudly. “Was there a note?”

  “No.”

  “So you don’t know for sure why he did it.”

  “It was my fault.”

  “You can’t blame yourself,” he said softly.

  “Yes, I can. He knew I had doubts. He knew, and that combined with the endless hours of work and the stress of losing his job pushed him over the edge.” I didn’t tell Ben how Adam’s parents had blamed me. How they’d left me out of the obituary because they didn’t want me to taint his memory. That was something I’d never say out loud. I dared to look up at Ben. “I told you to stay away from me. I’m poison.”

  “How can you say that? Adam made a choice. A stupid choice, but that doesn’t mean you did anything wrong.”

  “What about Dad?”

  “What about him?”

  “He just made a choice too?”

  “Your dad’s car stalled, or he gunned it. You know that.”

  “Do I? Remember the fight I had with him over college?”

  “A man doesn’t take his life because his teenage daughter throws a tantrum.”

  “But you don’t know that,” I snapped.

  “No, I don’t know anything for sure. But none of this means you should hate yourself, and it definitely doesn’t mean I should stay away from you. I need you, and face it, Molly, you need me.”

  “What if I don’t want us to need each other?”

  “Tough luck. It’s just the way it is.”

  He pulled me against his chest again, whispering soothing words, but not trying to stop me from crying. It’s like he knew I needed to let it out. “Did you have a nightmare about him?” he asked once I had quieted down.

  “Yes—but it was worse than usual.”

  “Usual? Do you have them a lot? Wait, is that why you never want to stay over?”

  I nodded.

  “Why was this one worse?”

  I dared to look up at him, into his handsome face etched with concern. “You were in it. He told me you were going to join him.”

  “I would never do that. I would never hurt people that way, and I will never leave you. I swear.” He brushed a few strands of hair off my face.

  “I’m sorry I hurt you. I know I hurt you. Jake told me—”

  “Stop. Don’t do that. It’s over, it’s the past. We were kids. All I care is that you’re with me now.”

  “You really still want me? Even knowing what happened?”

  “Of course I do. I’ve always wanted you, and nothing you can say or do will ever change that. You’re the only one for me, Molly, the only one.” He looked at me seriously, his eyes full of compassion and undeniable love. “You shouldn’t have to deal with those nightmares alone. You’re staying here from now on.”

  “I can’t do that.”

  “Why not? Let me help you, please.”

  “This isn’t your problem.” I closed my eyes, clenching some sheet in my hand just to have something to hold onto.

  “It is my problem because you’re my problem.”

  “I’m your problem?” I smiled despite the tears.

  “You’ve always been my problem, my little spitfire.”

  Those few words melted what little was left of my resistance. “You called me your spitfire.”

  “Because that’s who you are. It’s who you’ve always been. Just think of how much you’ve been through. I hate to think of you suffering through so much alone. Never again. I promise I’m not going to let you down this time.”

  “Please, I don’t even want to get into that now.”

  “All right. I’m pretty sure you don’t want to go back to bed, so let’s go over to your house.”

  “My house?” I asked.

  “I know exactly what you need.”

  “What?”

  Grinning, he got out of bed and pulled on his t-shirt and jeans from the floor. “You can’t guess?”

  “A night swim?”

  “How does that sound?”

  “Perfect.” I fished my bra off the floor—leaving fully dressed this time.

  ***

  The water was still cool, but it didn’t bother me that night. If anything, it helped wash away the grief. Ben barely gave me time to strip down to my underwear before throwing me in. I loved how he never worried about breaking me. He knew, despite my breakdown, that I was still strong.

  He teased me for a moment, standing in just his boxers on the dock like he wasn’t going to join me. “How’s the water?”

  “Nice, but not as nice as the view.”

  He laughed. “That’s supposed to be my line.”

  “Well, you should have thought of that before you threw me in. You can’t stare at me while I’m in here.”

  He jumped in, swimming right over to me.

  “That was fast.”

  “Yeah, I figured the only thing better than looking at you is touching you.”

  I tried to swim away,
but he caught up with me pretty quickly. He was always the stronger swimmer. “No more leaving me, remember?”

  “I remember. I remember everything.”

  “Everything?”

  “Uh huh.”

  “Like?” he asked.

  “Like our first kiss right over there on the dock.” Treading water, I nodded toward it.

  “I remember that too. I remember what you said afterward.”

  “Yeah?” I leaned back and floated.

  “You told me I kissed like a musician. I never got that, but I assumed it was a compliment.”

  I laughed. “I just meant you made it an art form. If you didn’t understand, why didn’t you ask?”

  “There was no way I was messing up that moment. The girl I’d been crushing on for years had finally let me kiss her.”

  I went back to treading water. “When did you first realize you liked me?”

  “Sixth grade. At Katie Oschner’s pool party.”

  “Really? I thought you were into Dara then.” I reached out to him, starting to get cold.

  “I thought she was okay, but then something clicked that day. You had your hair in those cute pigtails you used to wear, and you nailed Jake in the head with a volleyball.”

  “That wasn’t intentional, you know.”

  “Are you sure about that?”

  “Absolutely. Don’t get me wrong, he probably deserved it, but I wasn’t aiming for him.”

  Ben chuckled. “He razzed me so bad when he found out I had a thing for you.”

  “I bet.”

  “Are you cold? Let’s get out.”

  “We probably should.”

  We swam back to the dock, and we both hung onto the ladder.

  “When did you realize you liked me?” Ben asked.

  “Eighth grade when we were assigned as partners for those manners lessons.”

  “So I won you over with my gentlemanly charm?”

  “Not exactly. Probably the opposite. You kept making these crude jokes, and it kind of thrilled me that a guy would talk to me that way.”

  “What? You fell for me because I make sexual jokes?” he said incredulously.

  “Yeah. I mean, come on, my dad wouldn’t even let me watch MTV. It was all pretty exciting.”

  “Had I known you were into me that early, I wouldn’t have waited.”

  “You asked me out on my fifteenth birthday. You called me at exactly midnight.” I remembered how my chest tightened when I’d seen his number flash across my screen. Kelly had overheard him talking to his friends about his plan, so I’d waited up for the call.