The Man from the Diogenes Club - [Diogenes Club 01]

by By Kim Newman

  the place took to calling itself Bognor Regis—though it was never given formal permission to add the royal honorific. Reputedly, the King’s last words, upon being told he would soon recover enough to return to the town, were “Bugger Bognor!” And no wonder.

  bonce. Slang—head.

  bonkers. Slang—mad

  Borley Rectory. The most haunted house in Great Britain, allegedly.

  Bradford. Town in Yorkshire.

  Brain of Britain. A BBC Radio quiz program.

  briefs. Slang—lawyers.

  Brighouse and Rastrick Brass Band.Founded 1881, they had a chart success in

  1977, holding the UK number-two spot (Paul McCartney kept them from number one) with “The Floral Dance.”

  Bristols. Breasts. Rhyming slang: Bristol City = titty. Bristol City is a football club.

  British Rail. The national railway service between the 1940s, when the UK’s private

  rail companies were amalgamated under public ownership, and 1997, when the dying John Major government broke up the network and sold it off again. People used to complain about British Rail—but anyone who’s tried to get from London to Manchester on one of Richard Branson’s Virgin trains now looks back on that era with a rosy glow of nostalgia tinged with unforgiving resentment for the politicians who decided the railways should benefit stockholders rather than passengers.

  Broadmoor. Broadmoor Asylum for the Criminally Insane—now, Broadmoor

  Hospital—in Berkshire. The largest secure psychiatric facility in the United Kingdom. Past and present inmates include Daniel M’Naghten, would-be assassin of Prime Minister Robert Peel;, Richard Dadd, the artist; June and Jennifer Gibbons, the Silent Twins; and Peter Sutcliffe, the Yorkshire Ripper.

  Brooklands. Car racing track.

  bubble car. Blanket term for those tiny, three-wheeler automobiles (technically,

  microcars), like the BMW Isetta or the Messerschmitt Tiger. Mr. Joyful drives a Peel Trident.

  bumfreezer jacket. A short jacket, obviously.

  Bunty.Girls’ comic.

  Burton’s. Menswear chain.

  butchers, a. Rhyming slang: butcher’s hook = look.

  Can’t even beat as it sweeps as it cleans. The UK slogan for Hoover vacuum

  cleaners in the 1970s was “It beats as it sweeps as it cleans.”

  cantab. A graduate of Cambridge University, an abbreviation for the pseudo-Latin

  term ccintabrigiensis.

  Carnabethan. Coinage by Ray Davies of The Kinks, in “Dedicated Follower of

  Fashion,” conflating the New Elizabethans—as trendy Brits were labeled in around 1953, with the coronation of Elizabeth II—and Carnaby Street, from the 1960s on associated with fashionable clothing.

  Carry On Cleo (1964). The one with Amanda Barrie as Cleopatra.

  cash machine. ATM.

  Catriona Kaye. See:Jago, “Angel Down, Sussex,” “Seven Stars,” “Clubland Heroes,”

  An English Ghost Story

  Celia Johnson. Star ofBrief Encounter, famous for her clipped, cut-glass English

  accent.

  chancer. Spiv, wideboy, petty grifter, opportunistic crook.

  Charles Beauregard. SeeAnno Dracula, The Bloody Red Baron, Dracula Cha Cha

  Cha, “Seven Stars,” “Gypsies in the Wood,” “Clubland Heroes.”

  chits. Receipts, invoices.

  Chu Chin Chow. Oriental-themed musical drama that opened in London in 1916,

  had a record-setting long run, and was frequently revived between the wars.

  CI. Chief Inspector

  cigarette cards. UK equivalent of bubble-gum cards.

  Cilia Black.Liverpudlian singer.

  Clark’s tracker shoes.They had animal footprints on the soles, so you left tracks

  with them.

  Clean Air Act, the.The law, passed in 1956, that regulated coal-burning fires in

  London and put an end forever to the famous pea-soup fog. Whenever you see a London fog in an American film set after 1956, it’s a mistake.

  Clive James.Australian-born cultural commentator, long resident in Britain. He

  was the TV critic of The Observer from 1972 to 1982; his columns are collected in Visions Before Midnight and The Crystal Bucket.

  clocked. Took notice of.

  Cluedo. UK trade-name for the board game known in the US as Clue.

  Coal Hill Secondary Modern.See Time and Relative.

  cold spots. Patches of unnatural chill, often found in haunted places. Maybe not

  unconnected to the fact that haunted houses tend to be draughty.

  Comet.The Daily Comet, a tabloid owned by media baron Derek Leech.

  Common Agricultural Policy.Controversial (i.e., unjust and unworkable) EU

  system of farm subsidies, much beloved by French farmers.

  Common Market, the. The EEC (European Economic Community); since 1993, the

  European Union. Great Britain joined in 1973.

  Cor blimey! UK Expression of astonishment. Derived from “God blind me” as in

  “God blind me if I lie.”

  Coronation Street. The UK’s longest-running TV soap(The Archers, on the radio,

  has been going longer), first broadcast in 1960, set in the fictional Weatherfield, which seems a lot like the real Salford. The present author has never watched a single episode. Just minutes after finishing the story, I saw a story (“Corrie Call in Ghost Buster”) in the tabloid Daily Star about an alleged haunting on the set of the show that parallels the events of “The Serial Murders.” Spooky.

  cove. Man, fellow, bloke, chap, guy.

  The Crazy World of Arthur Brown. “I am the God of Hell Fire,” rants Arthur on his

  single “Fire,” which was number one in the UK charts in 1968. An influence on Iron Maiden and other pioneer heavy metal groups, Arthur was also a devoted surrealist-cum-Satanist. He never had another hit, but is still gigging.

  crim. Criminal.

  Crombie jacket. The sort of jacket you’d wear in 197- if you didn’t want to be

  labeled a pouffe.

  Crossroads. ITV soap opera, set in a motel outside Birmingham (and about as

  exciting as that sounds). It ran from 1964 to 1988, and was briefly revived as an afternoon show in the early 2000s.

  Crystal Palace. Fred is too young to remember the original structure, built for a

  Great Exhibition in 1851, burned down 1936. The name persists to denote the area in South London where it stood and in a local football team.

  cuppa. A cup of tea, universal British salve.

  Curse of the Mummy’s Tomb. A 1964 Hammer Film. Not one of their best.

  Dad’s Army. Classic BBC sitcom set in World War Two, about the Home Guard.

  Dalek. Trundling cyborg giant pepperpot featured in the long-running BBC-TV

  science-fiction programme Doctor Who, introduced in 1963. The Daleks’ distinctive mechanical voices were much-imitated by British children in the 1960s. Their catchphrase: “Ex-ter-min-ate!”

  demobbed. Demobilised, just out of the armed forces.

  Dennis Potter. UK TV playright—famous for, among others, Pennies from Heaven

  and The Singing Detective.

  Derek Leech. See “The Original Dr. Shade,” “SQPR,” “Organ Donors,” The Quorum,

  Life’s Lottery, “Seven Stars,” Where the Bodies Are Buried, “Going to Series,” “Another Fish Story,” etc.

  DI. Detective Inspector.

  diamond. Outstanding.

  Diana Dors. Britain’s biggest film star of the 1950s, famous for blond bombshell

  roles and probably more for her personality than any of her actual credits. The prison movie Yield to the Night (1956) was an unusually dramatic role for Dors, who was most often found in fluff like An Alligator Named Daisy (1955) or London noirs like Passport to Shame (1958). In later life and several dress sizes larger, she was a regular in 1970s horror and sex films—Nothing but the Night (1972), Theatre of Blood
(1973), Keep It Up Downstairs (1976).

  Dick Barton, Special Agent. BBC radio adventure serial on the Light Programme,

  from 1946 to 1951. At the height of its popularity, fifteen million listeners followed the adventures of ex-commando Dick and his pals Jock (a Scotsman) and Snowy (a Cockney) as they defied foreign baddies. There were three Dick Barton films in the early 50s.

  Dinky Toy. A line of model cars, introduced in 1934.

  Diogenes Club, the. First mentioned by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle in “The Greek

  Interpreter” and revealed as a quasi-government agency by Billy Wilder and I. A. L. Diamond in The Private Life of Sherlock Holmes, the Diogenes Club has employed various investigators of the odd and paranormal for over a century. See Anno Dracula, The Bloody Red Baron, Dracula Cha Cha Cha, “Angel Down, Sussex,” “Seven Stars,” “The Man on the Clapham Omnibus,” “Clubland Heroes,” “Gypsies in the Wood.”

  Dion Fortune. Born Violet Firth (1891-1946), English magician and author (The

  Secrets of Dr. Taverner, etc).

  Dock Green. George Dixon.Introduced in the film The Blue Lamp (1950), Sergeant

  George Dixon, played by Jack Warner, was the archetypal friendly British bobby. Though shot dead by wideboy Dirk Bogarde in the film, the character was revived for the TV series Dixon of Dock Green (1955-1976)—which in UK TV terms holds the status of being equivalent to both Dragnet and The Andy Griffith Show, as police procedural and cosy vision of paternalistic law enforcement. The American urban legend of cops beating a suspect while whistling the theme to The Andy Griffith Show has a British equivalent involving the memorable Dixon theme. A postmodern take on the character is the TV play The Black and Blue Lamp.

  Docs. Doc Martens boots, often called bovver boots (bother boots). Form of

  footwear favoured in the 1970s by skinheads and others who thought they were hard.

  Doctor Who. UK TV programme (1963-89, 1996, 2005- ) about a time-travelling

  adventurer, the Doctor (originally William Hartnell).

  Doctor Who’s police box. The TARDIS, a time machine bigger on the inside than

  the outside.

  dolly-mixture. A brand of sweets (candy).

  Donovan hat. Large floppy headgear, popularised by the singer Donovan but

  mostly worn by women.

  Dr. Bowdler. In 1818, Thomas Bowdler edited an edition of Shakespeare in which

  all material he construed as offensive was omitted (e.g., the entire character of Doll Tearsheet from Henry IV, Part II); these cut texts were the default for fifty years. He lent his name to the verb “to bowdlerise,” meaning “to dilute by censorship.”

  Dr. Shade. For various incarnations of the character, see “The Original Dr. Shade,”

  “The Quorum,” “Seven Stars,” “The Man on the Clapham Omnibus” and Lady Shade.

  Drache. The architect. See “Organ Donors,” “Going to Series,” “Another Fish Story.”

  DS. Detective Sergeant

  Duke. Duke University, home of the Rhine Research Center Institute for

  Parapsychology.

  Ealing. A London borough (post-codes W5 and W13). Associated with the now-

  defunct Ealing Studios, where many famous postwar British films— including the police drama The Blue Lamp—were shot. The police station is at 67-69 Uxbridge Road.

  Edward Heath.Conservative Prime Minister.

  Edwin Winthrop. SeeJago, The Bloody Red Baron, “Angel Down, Sussex,” “Seven

  Stars,” “Clubland Heroes.”

  embassy siege in 1980.See “Who Dares Wins: Anno Dracula 1980.”

  ‘Enery Cooper. Henry Cooper, British Heavyweight boxer, better remembered for

  two of his fourteen defeats—two title bouts to Cassius Clay (one very dubious) and his particularly brutal 1971 final match to Joe Bugner—than his forty wins. In later life, Cooper did TV commercials for Brat aftershave.

  Escher space. Named after the artist M. C. Escher, who drew paradoxical pictures

  playing with perspective and gravity.

  Ethel and Doris Waters.Variety artistes, known for their act as Gert and Daisy.

  Eugene Sue. Author (1804-57) of Les mysteres de Paris (The Mysteries of Paris,

  1842-43) and Le juif errant (The Wandering Jew, 1845).

  EVA. Extra-vehicular activity; NASA-speak for going outside.

  fag-end. Literally, a cigarette butt; colloquially, the remainder of anything that’s

  been used up.

  Farrah hair. A do popularised by Farrah Fawcett.

  Festival of Britain, the.A cultural event of 1953.

  fifty-pence pieces. Replaced the ten shilling note,

  filth, the. Police.

  Financial Times. UK equivalent of the Wall Street Journal. Published on pink paper.

  firm, the. Organised crime.

  Fisherman’s Friend. A make of strong, semimedicinal lozenge created in

  Lancashire in 1865 and marketed to the men of the fishing fleet as a means of assuaging respiratory problems.

  five one pound notes.For decades, the standard fine for pulling the

  communication cord on a British train without good reason was five pounds. Eventually, that seemed like a small price to pay for just seeing what would happen.

  fizzog. Face, from “physiognomy.”

  Fladge. Flagellation.

  Flaming Nora! An expletive of astonishment,

  flash git. Showy bastard. “Git” is from “illegitimate.”

  flick-knife. A switchblade.

  FO. The Foreign Office.

  Fortnum & Mason. A London department store.

  Fortnum’s. Posh department store. Formally, Fortnum and Mason’s.

  Frank Bough. UK TV sports commentator and news presenter, roughly equivalent

  to Howard Cosell in America.

  Fred Perry. The name comes from a tennis player.

  Fu Manchu. Droopy moustache, named for the Oriental master-villain— who was

  clean-shaven in Sax Rohmer’s books.

  full English. Cooked breakfast.

  full frighteners, the.A menacing stare.

  funk. Panic.

  funny, a. A joke.

  fuzz. Police.

  Gene Krupa. A virtuoso jazz drummer.

  George Best. Irish-born football player, a star with Manchester United, then

  tabloid fodder for alcoholism-related incidents.

  Germaine Greer. Feminist academic and media pundit, author of The Female

  Eunuch.

  Gerry Anderson. TV producer famous in collaboration with his wife Sylvia, for

  1960s technophilic puppet shows Fireball XL-5, Stingray, Thunderbirds andCaptain Scarlet and the Mysterons. His 1970s live-action Space 1999 has not achieved the lasting place in UK pop culture attained by the supermarionation shows.

  get yer hair cut.From 1945 onwards, the moaning battle cry of middle-aged,

  balding or short-back-and-sides conservatives at the sight of a man or especially youth with long or even longish hair. It has fallen into disuse since kids began to opt for shaven heads or elaborate but cropped hairstyles, but isolated incidences persist. As the generations who endured mandatory military haircuts die off the shout—which tends to betoken a lack of basic manners on the part of the shouter rather than the usually unassuming shouted-at—will fade away completely.

  Gilbert O’Sullivan.Mysteriously popular 1970s crooner. Wore bigger Donovan

  hats than Donovan.

  gin and it. A sweet Martini. The ‘it’ is red vermouth.

  ginormous. Large.

  given Richard a bell.Called Richard on the telephone.

  giving Fred the shout.Keeping Fred abreast of the situation.

  glamour films. Silent, one-reel, 8mm short subjects sold mostly through mail

  order, essentially depicting striptease acts. The most prolific director of the genre was Harrison Marks, and his biggest star Pamela Green—who can be seen as the model in Peeping Tom.
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  Glastonbury Tor. Site of alleged psychic importance in Somerset—a tower on top

  of an artificial hill.

  glossies. Also known as eight-by-ten glossies, publicity photographs.

  Gnomes of Cheltenham, the.GCHQ (Government Communications Head

  Quarters), which is located in Cheltenham, is the department of British Intelligence charged with gathering signals intelligence.

  gob. Mouth.

  goin’ spare. In a state of desperation.

  Goodwood. A British racecourse,

  goolies. Testicles,

  gormless. Stupid.

  Grand National. A horse race, run annually at Aintree race course, near Liverpool.