Lost, Found, Loved

by London Casey

“What does that mean?”

  “No different from me. It’s a comfort thing. That’s what you’re used to. It’s not easy to accept it and move on.”

  I stared at him for a few long moments. “What the hell am I doing here, Zayne?” I asked. “I almost slept with you. I took off. I slept with Parker. Then I come here, and we’re in bed.”

  “It’s all a fucking mess,” Zayne said. “But I like this mess. I like holding you right now.”

  “Shit. They were having a long affair.”

  “What?”

  “Why I’m here, Zayne.” I swallowed hard. “I’m going to that wedding with you. I want you to get what you need out of it. No matter what it is. I promise, I won’t stand in your way.”

  “You’re losing me here. You’re talking about two things at once.”

  I rolled away from him. Touching him left my mind all scrambled. I wanted more of him. So much more.

  I grabbed the bottom sheet and pulled it to my chest and sat up. I stared forward. I couldn’t look at Zayne right then. It felt so good to be with him after what happened…but a part of me felt dirty because of how confused and messy everything had gotten.

  “I went back,” I said. “Like you said I would.”

  “Hey, we all would,” Zayne said. “You don’t think I went through that shit with Steph?”

  I looked at Zayne. “Is this what we’re doing? Fucking each other and then talking about exes while we’re still naked?”

  “I guess so, darlin’.”

  “It was so hard to be there, Zayne. I tried. I met with Abby. She cried. She cried so hard. But I can’t look past it. Even when she hugged me, I pictured all those body parts of hers against Parker. Their bare skin touching…” I took a deep breath. “I got drunk. He came home from work. We drank. We argued. We talked. I think we even laughed once or twice. And then it happened. It was a comfort thing, yeah, but it was something else. I wanted to…I wanted to screw him to forget her. So stupid.”

  “No, it’s not,” Zayne said. “Our hearts aren’t wired to be so easy, Bella. Shit happens. Things twist us up. Do you realize I paid Gonzo to pretend your car was broken down so I could talk to you and give you an engagement ring to make my ex jealous? I should be locked away for that.”

  “Yeah, you should be,” I teased with a grin.

  “Thanks.”

  “After it happened, I felt…nothing. I felt nothing during it, either. I was just there. I think, if anything, it just proved how far apart we were before all this shit happened. But he was having a long affair with her, Zayne.”

  “How do you know?”

  I lowered my gaze. “After he was done with me, he thought I was asleep. He snuck out of bed and called her. He called Abby. I heard him on the phone. At first, I thought he was just being there for us. But then he made it very clear…he’s in love with her.”

  “Oh, shit,” Zayne said.

  “And it’s been happening for a long time. The only regret Parker has was being dumb enough to sleep with her in the apartment and getting caught. It had nothing to do with me.”

  “Damn, Bella. I’m sorry.”

  “Me too,” I said. I looked at him, my eyes tearing up. “They both cried, Zayne. I would have rather just walk in and find them together on the couch. You know? But instead, they both cried. They were both so sorry.”

  “Fuck them.”

  “No,” I said. I touched his hand. I turned his hand around and interlocked my fingers into his. “They were sorry. They were crying because of how messy it all was. I just didn’t have the actual truth. Zayne, is there something wrong with me?”

  “Look at me, Bella,” he said. He touched my chin and shook his head. “There is nothing wrong with you. Nobody has the right to do that. Not to you. Not to anyone. I don’t care if they love each other. You don’t fucking do that. You don’t fuck with someone’s heart. You don’t fucking screw everything up.”

  I swallowed hard. “Okay. Can I tell you what I want from you now?”

  “I thought you got what you wanted,” Zayne said with a sly grin.

  “Oh, that was just the start. But seriously…I’ll go to the wedding. But I need you to do something for me.”

  “Name it,” he said.

  I smiled. Tears in my eyes. “Pretend you love me in front of Parker…so I can crush his stupid heart.”

  I couldn’t find my shirt or my pants. I searched the entire bedroom, then walked toward the kitchen wearing only bra and panties. It was odd how comfortable I felt in the apartment and with Zayne.

  He stood in kitchen with a cup of coffee in his hand, grinning. “I like the outfit.”

  “Shut up.”

  I saw my pants on the kitchen floor where I had stepped out of them. I hurried to put them on, but there was no sign of my shirt.

  “Where’s my shirt?” I asked.

  Zayne turned his head and motioned for the counter.

  I blushed.

  That’s right…

  I was so damn tired, but there was no use trying to sleep now.

  “Breakfast?” he asked as I grabbed for my shirt.

  “Sure,” I said.

  “Good. I’m starving.”

  “Do you have work today?”

  “No,” he said. “I’m not allowed to go to St. Skin for a little bit.”

  “What? Why?”

  Zayne smiled. “Tate thinks I work too hard.”

  “Wow. I need a boss like that.”

  “Too bad you can’t draw a straight line, huh?”

  “Oh, so funny,” I said.

  “Ready to get some food?”

  “Definitely,” I said.

  I started to walk and Zayne threw his hand out and touched my stomach. I shuddered and felt like a million butterflies all decided to fly at once in through my belly and up to my chest.

  “I’m really sorry for everything, Bella. For me playing games with you. If I knew everything before I did that, I wouldn’t have lied. I’m not a liar. I want you to know that. I don’t know what exactly is happening right now, but I know this. I didn’t like you not being here. There’s something about you that feels real. I’m not going to that wedding to screw her, okay? I have no intentions of it. I want her to worry a little. That’s all. I want to show her that I can be happy without her. Because if I don’t, she’s going to keep throwing those darts my way. And sad as it is, darlin’, I’m going to let her. I would stand there as a target. Like an idiot.”

  I felt like he was speaking what was in my heart.

  I touched his face. “Yes, you are an idiot. And that’s okay with me, Zayne. I’m an idiot too. I feel like a whore right now. I feel dirty.”

  “If you’re dirty, darlin’, then you’re dirty-beautiful. And I like it.”

  I laughed. “I never thought all of this would happen.”

  “But it did.”

  “Zayne, I’m really hungry.”

  “Me too. I just want to say that.”

  I moved to my toes and kissed his cheek.

  As I stepped away, Zayne smacked my ass.

  I didn’t say a word.

  I told myself that was his version of giving me a kiss on the cheek.

  23

  ZAYNE

  Bella came to the small table holding two coffees and a piece of paper in her mouth. I grabbed the coffees and put them down. She nodded and shook the paper, so I grabbed that next.

  I flipped it over and raised an eyebrow as I read it out loud. “Application for employment?”

  She shrugged her shoulders as she sat down. “I need a job, Zayne. And I can’t draw a straight line, right?”

  “You’re going to work here?”

  “Why not? I have experience. Donna said she needs help.”

  “Donna said, huh?” I asked. It was like she fit right in with all the people in Hundred Falls Valley.

  “I’m going to fill it out and see what happens,” Bella said. “Worst case, I’ll look for something else.”

  “Wai
t a second,” I said. “First, did we get food?”

  “Shit,” Bella said. “I’ll be right back.”

  “No,” I said. I stood. “I’ll get it. Um, I hope this doesn’t come across the wrong way, darlin’, but you getting a job here implies something a little more permanent, doesn’t it?”

  “Is that wrong?”

  “I don’t think so. I was planning on the wedding thing and then seeing what you wanted me to do with Parker and Abby. And then…”

  “Then what?” Bella asked.

  “Well, I wanted you to figure out what you want. Find happiness. Not get tied down somewhere.”

  “That’s seriously the sweetest thing you’ve said since we met. And I appreciate that. But I assure you, me working at a coffeehouse is not establishing my career.”

  “Right,” I said.

  I walked to the counter, feeling a little uneasy.

  Donna hustled behind the counter. She had one other person helping her. Some teenage-looking girl who moved slow, had one white earbud stuck in her left ear, and looked more worried about finding the right song than getting an order right.

  Which meant Donna did need the help.

  Donna turned and had two plates in hand. “Here you go, Z.”

  “Thank you,” I said.

  Donna only served baked goods. Cookies. Muffins. Bagels. That kind of stuff. Not the hearty four-egg, five pieces of bacon, lots of toast, hangover remedy breakfast at four in the morning kind of stuff. But it would do for now.

  The plates had basically one of everything on them. The smell of chocolate and sugar hit me and suddenly became the second-best thing I’d smelled all morning. The first thing? I looked at Bella. Her bare skin. Her sweet body. Her warm honey…

  I gritted my teeth and chased away the thoughts.

  I put the plates on the table. “Thought you would get more.”

  “Another joke,” Bella said. “Look at that. You are funny.”

  “How’s the application going?”

  “Should I include my two weeks’ experience as a dancer at a steakhouse?”

  “What?” I asked.

  “There was a restaurant where I started as a hostess. I wanted to work up to server. It was a process. I would have to dance with the bus people. We had choreographed moves and everything. We’d wear cowboy hats and boots, act out scenes, that kind of thing. It was really embarrassing.”

  “Wow,” I said. “You lasted two weeks, huh?”

  “I do-si-do’d into a table and spilled a large bowl of chili all over a secret shopper guy.”

  “Secret shopper?”

  “Someone who’s paid to be at the restaurant to secretly watch how it runs, usually from corporate. I guess I have two left feet.”

  This woman had me hooked. I couldn’t stop staring. I couldn’t stop wanting to know more.

  “Why don’t you leave that part off the application?” I offered. “I mean, the last thing you want is Donna to then play some hippie indie music and expect you to wear long clothes and sway around to the tables, serving coffee and flowers.”

  “Although, that wouldn’t be so bad,” Bella mused. “I could do hippie.”

  I leaned forward and grinned. “To be fair, you are wearing the same clothes I ripped off you.”

  Bella’s cheeks turned red. “Yeah, but it’s the same day.”

  “Still, you’re wearing the same panties, darlin’. And you know you were a mess long before I-”

  “Jeez, Zayne,” she said, eyes wide, cheeks even redder.

  I laughed. She was fun to be around. Fun to talk to. Fun to forget time with.

  She filled out the application and moved it aside. We dove into the food and devoured it as though we hadn’t eaten in days. Or spent the early hours of the morning having amazing sex and needed to fuel up on sugar and carbs.

  The food was amazing. So was the company. We ate in silence, but we kept catching each other looking at each other and then we’d just laugh. Because it was all fucking crazy. And I tended to do crazy pretty damn good. I could still see a deep sadness behind Bella’s eyes, a caution to my own heart, reminding myself that she had been through hell and wasn’t quite back yet. Finding her boyfriend in bed with her best friend was pretty shitty. But then, to find out they had been having an affair for longer and there were serious feelings involved? That was seriously bad territory.

  “What?” Bella asked me.

  I shook my head. I must have been staring for too long. “Nothing. Just taking this all in.”

  “Taking what in?”

  “You, darlin’. I’m taking you in.”

  Before Bella could respond, I felt someone next to us.

  “Well, look at this.”

  I turned my head and saw River and Lacey.

  “River,” I said. I put my fist out, and he punched it.

  “You know, Cass told me you had a fling in here,” River said. “I didn’t realize you would come out of your cave, too.”

  “Bella, this is River and Lacey,” I said. “River, Lacey, this is Bella.”

  “Nice to meet you,” Bella said. She offered her hand to Lacey.

  “Nice to meet you,” Lacey said. “How do you know Zayne?”

  River started to laugh.

  “Funny story,” Bella said. “I was broken down on the side of the road, and Zayne saved me. We’ve been talking ever since.”

  “Talking, huh?” River asked.

  “Is that what you came here for?” I asked.

  “No,” River said. “But when the guys said you were actually showing yourself in public, I had to see it for myself.”

  “Is that not normal?” Bella asked.

  “Hey, hey, hey,” I said. “Don’t…”

  “This guy?” River asked. “If he’s not at St. Skin, then he’s at a strip club. Or just home.”

  “Really?” Bella asked.

  “You done yet?” I asked River.

  “Just interesting to see this,” River said. “Like watching a wild animal roam free…”

  I groaned. “Do you two want to sit and join us?”

  “No,” River said. “I don’t want to interrupt anything.”

  “Sorry about him,” Lacey said, shaking her head. “He’s like the rest of them at St. Skin.”

  “Oh yeah?” Bella asked.

  “I could tell you stories,” Lacey said.

  “I think I’d like that,” Bella said. “Maybe we should get some coffee or a drink.”

  “Sure,” Lacey said. “You already met Diem. I’ll call Hazel and set something up for us.”

  I watched this thing unfold.

  Set something up? Us? Coffee? A drink?

  Bella was really planting her feet right in town.

  I looked up at River and he raised an eyebrow.

  I reached across my face with my left hand to scratch the scruff on my face. But I put every finger down but my middle finger.

  River grabbed my shoulder and shook me a little. “Well, enjoy the rest of your day together.”

  “You didn’t even order anything, did you?” I asked.

  “We did,” River said with a cocky grin.

  “I did,” Lacey said. “Just a coffee.”

  “It was great to see you, Lacey,” I said. “I used to feel bad for you for putting up with this fool, but maybe you’re the foolish one.”

  “Zayne,” Bella said.

  Lacey smiled at me. “Yeah, I’m the fool. The fool in love. And I would know that look, right, Zayne?”

  “What look?” I asked.

  “The one spread across your ugly face,” Lacey said with a wink. “Nice to meet you, Bella. I’ll be in touch soon.”

  River looked down at me and widened both eyes and didn’t say a word.

  They left, and I looked back at Bella.

  “That was interesting,” Bella said.

  “Forget about that,” I said.

  “So, you really don’t come here? Or out in general?”

  “Bella…”r />
  “Okay,” she said. “Sorry.”

  She had this smile on her face. What a fucking beautiful smile. How could anyone look at that smile and think of anyone else?

  “I’m going to throw our trash out,” I said.

  “I’m going to hand in my application.”

  “Good luck,” I said.

  “Hope I get the call for an interview. Hopefully it’s not too extensive.”

  Bella rolled her eyes.

  I grabbed for her wrist and pulled her close to me. “Hey. I don’t give a shit if you’re applying for a job behind the counter at a coffee shop or to fly to Mars. You’re taking care of yourself, and that’s something special, darlin’. Don’t discount yourself. Not now, not ever.”

  Bella touched my chest. “Where were you years ago when I needed you?”

  I laughed. “I don’t think that matters right now.”

  “Right. What matters is the wedding. You tell me what you need from me, Zayne. I’m there. Let’s make that bitch cry.”

  I leaned down and kissed her cheek. “Fuck, darlin’, I…go drop off that application.”

  There was a pausing moment between us and then she walked away.

  I stood, almost breathless.

  All I wanted was for her to go to the wedding with me. Make Steph insanely jealous as she wore the ring Steph once wore. I wanted my closure there and I wanted to move on in life. I wanted Bella to get that too. Find her closure and move on.

  She stood at the counter, waiting for Donna.

  My mind gave me a long list of why this was wrong. Of all the things that could go wrong. Of how much of a moron I was for all of this.

  But when Bella looked back and smiled, my heart took full control and said it was the right thing to do.

  Bella turned back around, and my cell phone started to ring.

  I looked at the number on the screen and shut my eyes for a second.

  I knew exactly who it was.

  A guy named Tilly…who wanted me to come tattoo in his shop…in Miami.

  24

  BELLA

  I handed Donna the application, and she flipped it over and put it on the counter. “Are you serious about this?”

  “Yes. I need a job. And I know this isn’t a career.”

  “You’re available to start…”

  “As soon as possible,” I said.

  “Perfect,” Donna said. She crumbled up the application and threw it out. Then she crouched, popped back up, and threw a black apron at me. “Let’s go.”