Unbearable (Undescribable)

by Tessier, Shantel

  “Have you set a date for the bachelorette party yet?” I ask

  Holly shakes her head, and looks over to Micah. “Actually, I have several dates, but every one I suggest, Micah is like ‘that won’t work. So and so won’t be able to make that.’” She rolls her eyes.

  “We have decided on Vegas,” Micah says as he relaxes into the couch. “We want to have a joint bachelor/bachelorette party. The girls do their own thing and we do ours. Then all of us meet up later and party together.”

  That sounds like fun. “How many are you thinking of inviting?” I ask, taking a drink of a beer that they had picked up during their lunch outing.

  “I’ve got forty names written down.”

  I start coughing on my beer. “Forty?” I choke out. “Holy shit, Micah. Why so many?” We don’t even hang out with anyone besides Josh lately.

  He just rolls his shoulders. “I haven’t seen many people since college, this gives us a chance to see everyone again.”

  “Us?” I incline my head towards Holly. “Who do you know from his college days?”

  “Us.” Micah points a finger between me and him.

  I have a sick feeling forming in my stomach. “Who all are you inviting?” I ask cautiously.

  He starts listing names and that sick feeling gets worse. “Fuck,” I mumble after he finishes telling me every person he plans to invite.

  “I tried to warn him,” Holly says sympathetically.

  Micah looks at me. “What are you so concerned about? Sam loves you. Nothing to be worried about.” He points his longneck at me. “Plus, it’s not like you are the same person you were in college. You’re in love.” He sighs dramatically.

  I pick up a throw pillow from the couch and hurl it at his head.

  There’s a silence in the room before Holly speaks. “When do you think she will be back?”

  I look down to my beer and start pulling on the label. “I don’t know. She said something about wanting to do a memorial service.” I look up to everyone. “Have any of you called to change your flights yet?”

  My mom and dad say no. Micah says yes. I look up at my parents. “Keep yours for Saturday for now. I don’t know what all a memorial service entails.” I take a swig of my beer.

  They both agree. “I should order flowers tomorrow,” my mom tells me. “Is she having it at the funeral home?”

  Shit! “I don’t know.” I feel like a jackass for not knowing any of these things. If I had stayed with her instead of going to get fucking boxes, then I would know all of her plans.

  “Don’t beat yourself up, sweetie,” my mom says. “She will open up when she’s ready.” She gets up from the couch and walks over to me.

  I stand and give her a quick hug. “Thanks, Mom. Thanks to all of you. I know it means a lot to Angel that you all are here.”

  “She’s family,” Dad says, getting up from the couch and hugging me as well. “We are going to go to bed. We will see you in the morning.”

  They hug Holly and Micah then head off to bed. I walk over to the window and frown. “Did Angel take the Tahoe?” I ask, glancing over at Micah.

  “No, I saw her drive off in her rental car.”

  I furrow my brow, looking back out to the driveway. “Her rental car is right there.”

  Holly’s face turns sympathetic, as she says, “She must have just gone straight upstairs.”

  I feel like someone has stabbed me in the chest. I take a deep breath and walk away from the window.

  “Don’t worry, Slade. Sam loves you,” Holly tries to reassure me.

  I nod. She has probably been crying and didn’t want any of us to know. “I’m going to head up to bed. I’ll see you in the morning.”

  I go up the stairs and into her room. It’s only a little after eight, but she has the lights off and is lying in bed with her back to me. I shut the door and walk over to the bed. I empty out my pockets onto her dresser and get undressed. I pull back the covers and slowly get in behind her. I lean up on my elbow, looking down at her. Her face is so peaceful right now. I haven’t seen it look this way in days. I lean down, giving her a gentle kiss on her shoulder. “Good night, Angel,” I whisper. Then I lay back, looking up at the ceiling. I normally pull her into me, snuggling tightly, but right now, I do not want to wake her. She looks so calm. I don’t want to see that sad look on her face when she realizes where she is and what tomorrow will consist of. I want her to have sweet dreams, even if that is all they are right now…dreams.

  I wake up seeing a pink wall in front of me. I blink a few times trying to get my eyes to focus. Once I can see clearly, I turn over. There, lying next to me is Slade. I still feel a bit disappointed that he left yesterday without explaining to me what happened between us in the kitchen. It’s not like him to keep things bottled up. That is usually what I do. He has always told me how he felt.

  I need to clear my head. I have no right to think that way.

  I sigh as I think of all the stuff I have to do today. I climb out of bed, careful not to wake him. I throw on a bra, a tank top, and a pair of cotton shorts. I put my hair up in a messy bun and slide on a pair of flip-flops. I don’t bother with makeup, I’m sure I will end up crying it off sometime later.

  I check the clock and see that it’s six thirty-four in the morning. I’m already behind. In all honesty, I probably should have never gone to bed last night. I should have started packing. But I needed the rest, and although my brain feels sluggish, my body actually feels well-rested.

  I make my way out of the room and head down to get some coffee. When it’s ready, I venture into my mom’s room with my cup in hand. I figure this is the best place to start. I had looked around in here yesterday trying to find the dress from her wedding, but I made it quick. There were no remnants of glass from broken memories on the hardwood floors. I felt bad that I made the mess, knowing that Slade was probably the one to clean it up.

  I walk over to the closet and open the door. I step in and run my fingertips over the clothes hanging up. My mother was petite. She was about an inch shorter than me but weighed around the same. While in the bathtub last night, I wondered about what I would give away, and I knew there were quite a few things I wanted to keep. Like the sweater dress that she wore every Valentine’s Day. My dad had gotten it for her their first year together and it became a tradition for her to wear it every year. I don’t remember exactly how old I was when I asked her why.

  She had said, “Your father and I were shopping one day and I spotted it through a store window. I just stared at it, thinking it was so lovely. It was two days before Valentine’s Day. I was so shocked when I opened the pretty box wrapped in red paper with a white bow and saw it. He said he had gone back the next morning on his way to work and bought it for me. He wanted me to put it on right then, said he couldn’t wait to see what it looked like on me.” Her face had the biggest smile on it while recalling that memory.

  She didn’t talk about my father much, but every now and then she would bring him up and it always made her smile. I always thought that she loved my dad more than she let on. But now I guess he had loved her more. He stayed in love with her even when she had taken his trust and love for granted and went into someone else’s arms. I guess his love wasn’t enough for her. Will my love be enough for Slade?

  I come to the end of her closet, on the back wall where there is a set of shelves. I smile as I look at her jewelry box. It’s dark cherry wood and the lid opens to reveal compartments that hold her rings and bracelets.

  I open it and see my grandma’s wedding ring. She had passed before I was even born but my mom said they got along really well. She loved her son but also loved my mother just as much.

  My brow crinkles as I look around, not seeing my parents’ wedding rings. I open the bottom drawers and still don’t find them.

  Hmmm, I wonder where they are.

  I know my mom had them. I shut the lid and turn around. I need to start getting stuff done. I can look for the rings later. I
need to go through this entire house today. I begin by pulling her scarves out of drawers. I want to keep them; she and I had a fascination when it came to accessories: scarves, shoes, and purses. She taught me everything there was to being a lady, while my dad taught me it was okay to be a lady that could kick some ass.

  “Do you need any help?”

  I look up to see Holly standing there with her own cup of coffee in hand. I smile at her. “That would be great, thanks.” I scan the room and frown.

  “What’s wrong?” Holly takes a step toward me.

  “I don’t know what I’m going to put everything in.” I hadn’t even thought about that yesterday. Maybe some trash bags. That seems kind of tacky though.

  “Use the boxes,” she says simply as she takes of sip of her coffee.

  “What boxes?” I look around once again. Did I miss something?

  “The boxes Slade bought.”

  I just stare at her, clearly confused. She lets out a puff of air. “When Slade came in last night he said he had bought boxes to pack with today.”

  I feel a smile tug at my lips. Is that where he had gone? I thought he just needed some time away from me, and really, he was just thinking ahead. “Did he bring them in?” I ask her, walking out of the closet.

  “I didn’t see him bring any in. They must still be in his rental car. I’ll go grab as many as I can.”

  “I’ll go with you.” We both set our coffee mugs down on the dresser and head out of the room to go retrieve the boxes.

  About two hours later, Holly and I had accomplished quite a bit. I sit on my mom’s bed as Holly holds up a shirt of hers. If I shake my head no, she throws it in the box by her feet. If I nod, she throws it to me and I fold it, placing it into the box by me.

  “I’m excited about you moving in with Slade,” she says as she holds up a blouse.

  “Yeah,” I mutter, trying not to sound hurt about the subject.

  “He loves you, Sam.”

  “I know.”

  “Honestly, I think he is afraid to say anything right now.” She holds up a shirt and I nod.

  “I was just so excited and he acted like it was no big deal.”

  “I know this is a big deal to him. I know he has never been this happy.” She gets up from the closet floor and comes to sit beside me. “I just think he’s afraid to show any happiness. He thinks you’re hurting. He doesn’t want to walk around smiling and laughing, knowing you are not doing the same.”

  I fold the shirt, placing it in my keep box, and look up at her brown eyes. “Holly.” I reach out and take her hand in mine. I know if there is anyone I can get through to, it’s Holly. “I did break, I was lying broken on this floor, crying my eyes out, trying to breathe. I thought I was going to die and all I could think of was Slade and how much I loved him.” I take in a deep breath as she smiles. “If my mom’s death taught me anything, it is that a person can misunderstand a situation. When I was lying on this floor, I realized I wanted him to know how much I loved him, no matter if he didn’t feel the same. I just had to tell him. Then he showed up and I became terrified. I thought it was a mistake, that my mind was playing tricks on me. That, like my mother, I had been given the chance to make something right only for it to end.

  “Then when he held me, I didn’t want to let him go.” I shrug. “When I realized that he was really here, I told him how I felt, and I couldn’t be happier that he feels the same.” I stare down at her hand squeezing mine. “But I don’t know why he’s keeping his distance from me now.”

  “Like I said, Slade has never experienced something like this. He’s clearly confused on how to react.”

  “Thanks, Holly.” She leans over, pulling me in for a hug. “Let’s get this finished up.”

  It only takes thirty more minutes to get all of the boxes taped, labeled, and in the hallway.

  “What if these boxes won’t fit in the Tahoe?” I place my hands on my hips looking down at them. I don’t plan on keeping much but they are pretty big boxes and the Tahoe can only hold so many.

  I feel two strong arms wrap around me from behind and a face nuzzle my neck. “I will rent a U-Haul trailer to pull behind the Tahoe if we need to,” Slade says in that deep voice that makes me break out in goose bumps.

  I smile, bringing my arms up to hold onto his tightly. Then my face drops. “Crap,” I whisper.

  “What?” Slade says letting go of me. I turn around and look at him.

  “We will have to drive separately. Do you want to drive the Tahoe or my dad’s car?”

  “I thought of that last night. Holly and Micah are going to follow us in your dad’s car.” He nods over to Holly.

  “Oh.” Guess he got a lot figured out last night. “Okay.”

  “Is that okay? We don’t have to if you don’t want Micah driving it,” Holly says.

  “Oh no, that’s very nice of you guys. Thank you. I just hadn’t thought of that.” I give her a small smile. It is a very good idea.

  The doorbell rings, breaking up our conversation. “I’ll go get that for you,” Holly offers, walking past us in the hallway.

  I look up at Slade and he is frowning. I remember what Holly told me and I give him a little grin. I want him to know he doesn’t have to walk on eggshells around me. I hate what happened, but that does not change the fact that I love Slade and I want him to know how much.

  “Sam,” I hear Holly yell from the front door.

  I walk down the hallway with Slade following behind me. I come to the entryway and see a man standing outside the front door. A very nice looking man. He has on a tight black t-shirt, a black leather jacket, a dark pair of jeans, and black boots. He has a chain that’s connected to his belt loop, hanging against the side of his pants’ leg, and dipping into his back pocket. He has dark hair, about the same color as Slade, but not as long on top. His eyes are dark blue and his defined jaw is outlined with what looks to be a few days of stubble.

  “Can I help you?” I ask as I come to stand in front of the door.

  The man looks at Slade for a second, and then down to me. I see his eyes soften as his face breaks into a small smile. “Sam,” he says politely.

  “Do I know you?” I question, tilting my head to the side. He doesn’t look like anyone from school. The only person I have stayed in contact with from Tulsa is Courtney.

  His smile drops off his face and he clears his throat. “I, ah, need to speak to you,” he says not taking his eyes off of mine.

  Slade comes to stand beside me. “She asked you a question!” His voice is hard.

  “Yes.” He nods, still looking at me. “You know me. You just don’t remember me.” I feel a chill run up my spine. I know this man? Where do I know him from?

  “Sam,” he begins, placing his hands behind his back. He must know that Slade has a tendency to punch first, ask questions later. “I won’t keep you long. Holly said you were busy packing. I just needed to come by and see that you were okay.” How does he know Holly’s name? Did she introduce herself? His eyes leave my face and flash to Slade’s before finding their way back to mine.

  “I’m fine,” I say, unsure of what this man is doing on my mom’s porch when I have no idea who he is.

  “Look.” His eyes shift to Slade again. “I don’t mean to keep you guys, I just came to see you, Sam.” His gaze drops back to mine. “I need to have a conversation with you. I need to tell you some things.”

  My back stiffens over how close those words sound like something my mother would say. “What do you need to tell me?” I ask cautiously. How could this man, whom I don’t know, need to tell me something?

  “Do you really not remember me?” He frowns as if disappointed.

  I shake my head.

  He takes a deep breath. “It’s me, Tate.”

  I feel a small smile creep up on my face. “Tate?” I whisper. How the hell was I supposed to know what he looked like now? Last time I saw him I was ten, and that was over thirteen years ago. He had long shaggy hair and w
as built like a scrawny kid. Those are not the words I would use to describe him now.

  “What are you doing here? I thought you lived in Alaska.” His mother was my mom’s best friend. His dad had abused his mother. One day she left him, took Tate, and headed off to Alaska to live with her sister. As far as I knew, my mom had never spoken to her again, but I have also been absent for the last five years.

  I step closer and give him a hug. The smell of leather from his jacket fills my nose as he wraps his arms around me, gently returning my embrace before he pulls away.

  “I wish Mom was here to see you,” I say with a sad smile. She took care of him a lot. She felt bad that his dad was a drunk and beat on his mother. I don’t know if he ever hit Tate or not, I never asked.

  He looks over to Slade then back at me. “How did you find out that my mom had passed?”

  “Well….” He pauses like he’s trying to find the right words. “That’s another reason why I’m here.” He inhales deeply.

  I instantly know this reunion is not going to go well. I have had enough bad news to last a lifetime and I have a sickening feeling about this one. “What is it?” I ask cautiously.

  He stays silent for a few seconds. “I was helping take care of your mother.”

  “What? When?” Was she up in Alaska?

  “Sam, you have to understand, it was what she wanted,” he starts, defending her.

  “What are you talking about, Tate?” I snap.

  “She wanted me to make sure you were safe.”

  I just stand there, stiff as a board. What the hell is he talking about? “Just say what you came to say, Tate.”

  He keeps his dark blue eyes on mine as he inhales another deep breath. “I was the one who kept her informed on how you were doing.” He takes a step toward the door, and I instantly step back, still not breathing. This has to be a nightmare. How has he been able to keep tabs on me? How did he ever find me? What all has he seen? Why would he report back to my mother and not inform me that she was dying?

  “How could you?” I whisper as tears start to fill my eyes, making him a blurry vision.