Unbearable (Undescribable)

by Tessier, Shantel

  “Please leave,” she whispers.

  “What?”

  She closes her eyes tightly. “Please leave,” she repeats, “I don’t want you in here right now.”

  “No. I’m not going to leave you,” I rasp out.

  She tries to speak but I lean down and place my lips on hers. I kiss her sweetly, slowly coaxing her tongue to meet mine. She needs to physically feel something right now besides heartache. She needs to know that I love her. What are words without the actions to prove one’s self? She kisses me back slowly. I place a hand in her hair, pulling her head back for me. I place my lips on her neck and trail a path up to her jaw. I make my way back to her lips and she kisses me back this time with as much force as I kiss her with.

  I pull away and roll over, lifting her on top of me. I pick up her hand and place it on my chest. “Do you feel that, Angel?” I ask as she quietly weeps.

  She nods her head once.

  “That is my heartbeat. It only beats for you, Angel. It has always only ever beat for you. I only breathe for you. All I think about is my forever with you. Believe me, I am not going anywhere. You can push me away as much as you want. It won’t matter, I’ll push back.” I will too, it doesn’t fucking matter that she doesn’t want me to see her like this.

  She lays her head on my chest and takes a deep breath as I smooth her hair down her back.

  It doesn’t take more than a few minutes for her to fall asleep. I let go of her and move out from underneath her. I take off her heels one at a time and place the blanket over her.

  I head down to find out what’s going on. I see my mother as I get to the bottom of the stairs. “Hey Mom, where is everyone?”

  “The family is in the kitchen eating. Everyone else has left,” she responds sadly.

  “They left already?”

  She nods. “They could hear Samantha arguing with someone and figured it was time to go. They know she is having a hard time.”

  I sigh, running my hand over my face. “That was me. She was yelling at me. It wasn’t her fault.” How could I have been so inconsiderate to the people who had shown up to pay their respects to Marie?

  “I know, hun.” She puts her arm in the crook of mine. “Come on, let’s go eat.”

  We walk into the kitchen and my eyes catch sight of Courtney by the coffee pot. She is leaning against the counter giving me a weird look.

  “Where’s Sam?” she asks, voice hard.

  “She cried herself to sleep,” I respond flatly, not happy with her tone.

  “What were you doing to piss her off?”

  “Courtney drop it,” Josh says before I can reply. “I would have done the same thing if someone who kept a horrible secret about you was making things worse.”

  “She—”

  “Drop it,” Josh snaps at her.

  I try to hide my surprise that he just snapped at her in front of everyone. Courtney, on the other hand, looks pissed. I can tell everyone is anxious and upset. I look around the room and see Holly quietly crying while Micah rubs her back. My mom and dad are sitting across from them at the dining table silently drinking coffee. My dad doesn’t look like he just beat the shit out of another man.

  He’s always been that way. Once he beats the shit out of someone, he walks away in a good mood. I, however, take a little longer to calm down.

  I look down at my watch and see it’s almost six in the evening. I’m so glad this day is almost over with. I am ready to get back home, where it is just me and Angel.

  “What time are we leaving tonight?” Josh asks once he knows Courtney is going to keep her mouth shut.

  “Once Angel wakes up from her nap.” I run a hand through my hair. “I want her home in our house, away from here. I think things will be easier on her that way.”

  The room falls silent for a few minutes as I think about her moving in with me. I hate that she still has to worry about the move. I wish she already lived with me because it fucking sucks to move.

  “I have an idea.” I look up at the guys. “Will you guys help me tomorrow with moving her stuff into my house?”

  Josh and Micah start nodding their heads. “I just know that if I wait until next weekend then she will start trying to move herself on Monday. I don’t want her doing any of that on her own.”

  “No worries, we will help you,” Josh says, coming over to me. He surprises me by pulling me into a man hug. “I’m so happy for you and Sam.”

  “Thanks.” I pat his back. Josh and I have always been as close as Micah and I, but we have probably hugged only a handful of times.

  “We need to get going to the airport,” my mom finally says, standing. “Will you tell Samantha to call me tomorrow?”

  “Yeah.” Maybe she can go over to my parents’ house. That will give her something to do while I move her belongings to mine.

  “Where are the keys to your rental cars?” my dad asks as he approaches. “We will drive them back.”

  “Hadn’t thought of that.” I’m trying my hardest to think of everything so Angel doesn’t stress. I know her mind is full of unwanted memories and things she has to get done. I need to stay one step ahead of her, so I can get her the hell out of this state.

  The guys and I help load up my parents’ bags into the cars and tell them goodbye. We walk back into the house and make our way to the kitchen.

  “Did you get Courtney’s things packed?” I don’t know how long she intends to stay, but if she’s anything like Angel, she has three closets full of clothes and shoes.

  “We have Courtney’s things packed and are ready to roll.” He sits back down at the kitchen table next to her.

  “How long are you going to be staying in St. Louis, Courtney?”

  She gives me a shy smile then looks over at Josh. “Well, I plan on moving there.”

  “Like for good?” I lean up, placing my elbows on the table.

  She nods.

  “What about your job?”

  “I quit.” She grins. “I’ll get a new one there.”

  Micah and I stare at her with a dumbfounded look on our faces while Josh leans over and kisses her. Damn, they are moving awfully fast. I keep my mouth shut though. Josh never said anything to me about falling for Angel so quickly.

  “Are you all packed?” I ask Micah, changing the subject.

  “Yeah, we can go ahead and load the last few boxes up in Sam’s truck.”

  I stand up to follow him out to the garage. We had already placed all of the boxes out there. I was actually very surprised with how few boxes Angel ended up packing to take back with us. She didn’t keep as many things as I thought she would. I know it was very hard for her to give all those things away. I’m sure if she really thought about it, everything was sentimental.

  “Do you think Sam is going to be okay?” Micah asks lifting a box into the back of the Tahoe.

  I give those words some thought. “Do I think she will be okay?” I repeat slowly.“No,” I answer honestly. Not after the outburst she had up in her bedroom. “Do I think she’ll learn to get over the loss? Yes, eventually.” I don’t know what hurt will linger longer; the loss of her mother, or the fact that she thought her mom was pushing her away. Either way, it is going to affect her.

  Micah and I load the last box and close the hatch as Holly enters the garage. “Sam is up from her nap.” The sad look on Holly’s her face tugs at my heart. I nod my head and walk back into the house, heading for the kitchen.

  “Where is she?” I ask, but Josh doesn’t hear me as he is speaking with Courtney. “Josh. Where is Angel?”

  “Oh,” he says, turning around to look at me with a smile on his face, “she went back upstairs.”

  I walk up to her room and slowly open her door. “Angel?”

  She’s in the bathroom, shoving stuff into a bag. I approach her from behind and turn her to face me. “Are you okay?” Her green eyes look soft and happy.

  “Yes.” She frowns, and then asks, “Are you okay? Is something wrong, Sl
ade?” She reaches up, cupping my face with her hands.

  Why would she be worried about me? I’m fine.

  “I know you didn’t sleep well last night. Do you want to talk about something? Is it work? I want you to know you can talk to me, Slade.”

  I shake my head, kind of at a loss over what is happening. How can it be that she is worried about me? And if she knows I didn’t sleep well last night, that means she didn’t sleep well last night either. I take in a deep breath and pull her hand away from my face to kiss her knuckles. “You know you don’t have to pretend, right? It’s okay to be upset.”

  She yanks her hand away from mine and spins around to finish packing.

  “Angel?”

  “I know, Slade,” she says with a bite to her words. “Let’s just get out of here.” She picks up her now full bag and walks out of the bathroom. I sigh, running a hand through my hair, trailing after her once again. Maybe she just wants to ignore what happened earlier with Marie’s ex, and the entire Tate situation.

  I close my eyes tightly trying to ignore the pounding headache that I’m pretty sure I got from taking that God awful nap earlier. I sit in the passenger seat of the Tahoe, staring out the window. I watch the kids in the backseat of passing cars laugh and push one another. Every family we pass seems to be happy. I wish I could be happy. I feel as if every time I think of something to be happy about, Slade makes me reconsider. I don’t know what he wants from me. Does he not want me to move on from my mother’s passing? Does he expect me to live the rest of my life mad at myself for never making the effort to come home? Should I feel that way?

  I sigh because I don’t know what the fuck to think or how to act. We have been on the road for over two hours now and have said maybe five words. Slade tried to talk to me several times but I mostly responded by just shaking or nodding my head. I bet he thinks I have fallen asleep.

  All I can think about is what Greg said to me earlier today. My mom admitted she had cheated on my father. She had been so ashamed about that confession I cannot imagine her doing that to someone else she loved. But he had a point, I was never home. I wasn’t out whoring around like he so colorfully stated, but I was still not there.

  I look through my sunglasses as we continue to pass cars. Leaning my forehead against the cold window, I start to think about my mother’s urn, which is sitting on the floor behind my seat along with my father’s urn.

  Once again, I had an outburst today, but at least only Slade saw it this time. When I woke up, I felt like a different person. I felt like there was nothing that could bring me down. No one else to pop up and make me feel guilty. We were leaving that house behind and going to start a life together. Of course, Slade ruined it within ten minutes by, once again, reminding me that I have demons. Demons from my past that will always haunt me.

  As soon as Slade spoke, it pissed me off. Does he think I’m faking it? How long does one live with guilt? Well, I probably will for the rest of my life, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t be happy.

  “Are you hungry, Angel?”

  Guess he knows I’m awake. “No,” I say, keeping my head facing the window.

  He sighs. “When was the last time you ate?”

  Hmm. When did I eat last? “Yesterday.” Really, I don’t remember, but it’s not like I’m starving myself. I’m just not hungry right now.

  I lean my seat back and turn onto my side, facing away from him. I really am tired. I feel drained and am in a pissy mood—not a good combination for a woman.

  The next three hours consist of me falling in and out of sleep. Every now and then, I hear Slade talking on his phone, but I can’t quite make out what he’s saying.

  I open my eyes as I feel the Tahoe slow down. I sit my seat up and realize we are on Slade’s street. I look at the clock on the dash and it’s almost midnight. Slade backs up to the garage and I get out to hit the code into the keypad. He reverses in as I walk into the garage.

  I already feel a smile creep up on my lips just knowing that we are home.

  “Good thing you have a six car garage, Slade,” Josh teases.

  “Yeah,” Slade answers as he pulls a box out.

  I smile looking over at Ruby, I’m going to give Nadia a break and drive her this week.

  “You should sell the Z, sis.” I look over at Courtney, giving her a death glare. Is she crazy? Why would I sell my car?

  “I was thinking the same thing on the way here,” Slade agrees, shocking me even more.

  “What?” I stare at Slade in horror.

  He shrugs. “You don’t need it, and you drive the truck everywhere anyway,” he says as he sets a box down over in the corner.

  “So.” I put my hands on my hips, like that’s a good enough reason not to sell her.

  “It’s not safe.” He walks over to me, placing his hands around my waist.

  “But I—”

  “I don’t like you driving it, you will be much safer in the Tahoe or the truck.” He bends down to kiss me.

  Before his lips even touch mine, I pull away from him and stomp into the house. I want to scream. What the fuck is everyone’s problem?

  You should sell your mom’s house, Sam!

  You should sell your car, Sam!

  Why do they want me to give everything up?

  I go to the kitchen, pull out a bottle of wine, and don’t even bother grabbing a glass. I march straight to the bathroom, taking my frustration out as I yank my clothes off of me and get into a hot bubble bath. I relax back into the water and take a drink from the bottle.

  I know it’s just a car and that getting rid of it shouldn’t be a big deal, but it is to me. I feel like they are trying to get me to let go of everything from my past. I was so excited that I had bought myself a new car. Though, I felt as if buying that car with the money my dad had left me meant I was accepting his death, and that was hard for me to swallow. I guess that’s why I’m so attached to it.

  Now they want me to sell it. I want to move in with Slade, but if I sell my car, I will not have anything left that is just mine. The car symbolizes a time in my life when I was actually happy.

  He wants me to drive the Tahoe. I frown at that thought because that car will forever remind me of my mother. Hell, I’m already going to see her ashes every day. I close my eyes tightly as I feel my throat close up. How much torture does he want to put me through? He keeps telling me it’s okay to be sad, to grieve the loss of her, but I don’t want a life of sadness.

  I open my eyes and tears spill down my cheeks. I take a big gulp of the wine. Everything is falling apart in my life, including me, and I feel that everyone else has noticed it, too.

  I will sell my car, if that is what he wants me to do. I will drive the Tahoe, if that’s what will make him happy. I don’t want him to second-guess me, to think that I’m not capable of going on with my life.

  I gulp down another good-sized drink from the wine bottle, using the back of my hand to wipe off the extra that had run down the side of my mouth.

  I hear the doorknob turn on the bathroom door. “Angel?”

  “Yes?” I acknowledge, but don’t turn around and look at him. I notice I’ve done that a lot in the past few days. I’m tired of looking at his eyes, tired of how sad they look for me.

  “I was just coming to check on you.” He kneels down beside the tub.

  “I’m fine.” I tilt back the bottle, taking a small drink. I don’t want him concerned that I’m going to become an alcoholic on top of everything else.

  “I see.” I can tell by his tone that he does not approve of the wine bottle in my hand. He takes in a deep breath. “Selling the Z, it’s the right thing—”

  I cut him off. “Sell it.” God that was painful to say. It’s just one more thing in my life that I have to get rid of. I feel like I have to do whatever he wants to prove that I’m still the same strong girl he met.

  He places his hand on my face to make me to look at him. He doesn’t say anything as he brings his lips to mi
ne and gives me a soft kiss. He backs away and stands up.

  I hear him taking his clothes off, and then the water to his sink comes on for a few minutes. Once he turns it off, he leaves the bathroom.

  I place the bottle of wine on the windowsill, not wanting to drink any more. I need to quit drinking, it’s not going to help my problems, and I sure as hell don’t want to add another thing for Slade to worry about. I sink down a little more into the water as I start to cry. I don’t really know what I’m crying about. I just have an anxious feeling deep in my gut, one I can’t quite put my finger on. I feel like I’m fighting a battle that I’m not going to win but I just keep telling myself that I can do this. I have a chance. How do I fight something though, when I don’t know exactly what it is? Can my love be enough to keep us together, when everything else seems to be falling apart?

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  I pull my ear away from the door and walk to the bed. I sit down and run a hand through my hair. She’s in there crying and I don’t know what to do. I told her it was okay to tell me how she felt. She either doesn’t believe me or she doesn’t want me to know she’s upset. Either way, I want her to lean on me, but I don’t want to push her. I’ve always had that fear when it came to me and Angel. That she would think I’m suffocating her and it would drive her away.

  I stand up from the bed and get under the covers. I grab my phone from the nightstand and text Josh.

  Me: Let that guy know Angel’s car is for sale.

  He and I had talked on the phone during our drive back to St. Louis. He told me he knew a guy that would love to buy her car. It was perfect. She doesn’t need that car. She has plenty of others to drive. She hasn’t driven that car in weeks, and it just isn’t safe.

  Josh: You sure she wants to sell it? Because I know he will buy it.

  Me: Yes.

  Josh: Okay, I will call him tomorrow.

  I set my phone down and lie back, resting a hand under my head. Well, that is one thing good to go. I also think she should quit her job and just take some time off to relax. I know customers at work hassle her. She has complained several times about women who have mentioned me, or men that have tried to grab her ass. I think she needs to eliminate all the negative stuff from her life.