Unbearable (Undescribable)

by Tessier, Shantel

  I notice she isn’t talking to anyone, just staring off at something in deep thought. I follow the direction of her eyes and realize she is looking at the fireplace where her parents’ urns are setting. My heart still breaks for her, wishing I could save her from herself, from her thoughts.

  I push off the wall and go sit beside her. She looks up at me and gives me a smile as I put my arm around her. She always smiles; I can tell they’re forced though. She doesn’t think I see it, but I know my Angel better than I know myself.

  “You ready for Vegas?” Josh asks me.

  “Yep! It’s going to be a time to remember.” I squeeze Angel closer to me.

  “It’s going to be so much fun.” Holly bounces excitedly as I laugh at her.

  “I’m hungry,” Courtney announces, changing the subject.

  “Where we going to go eat?” Angel asks, looking at Holly.

  I’ve also noticed that she has been giving Holly more of her attention than Courtney. She’s been working a lot more than she used to. I don’t know if something has happened between her and Courtney, but I need to find out.

  “I don’t care. Wherever you guys want to go, but let’s decide fast. I’m starving.”

  “How about the Hard Rock Café?” Josh suggests.

  “That sounds great.” Angel removes herself from underneath my arm and stands up. “Let me grab my purse real quick.”

  As soon as she leaves the room, everyone looks at me. “What?” I ask.

  “Were you and Sam having sex when we rang the doorbell?” Courtney blurts out before Josh whips his head around, giving her a look of disbelief.

  Good thing I’m don’t embarrass easily. I chuckle. “Why?’’

  “Because when we walked into your room she had a pillow over her face, screaming into it.” Josh goes to say something but she stops him by placing a hand up. “She said we interrupted you guys. I don’t believe her. Something was wrong and that wasn’t it.”

  “Stop, Courtney,” Josh warns her as he stares down at her with a hard face.

  I look to Holly who is giving Courtney a death stare. “Of course we interrupted them. Sam would not have lied to us.”

  “Well, something is wrong. She is not the same person anymore,” Courtney fires back.

  “Just let it go. I think she is doing great considering what she has been through.” Holly narrows her eyes at her.

  “You weren’t there. You didn’t see her. She wasn’t yelling at you. Ask Slade,”—she points a finger at me—“she was yelling and hitting him. Then two hours later she was all ‘I love you’. No offense Slade, I know she loves you. I’m just saying, she is not herself.”

  “Let it go, Courtney,” Josh snaps.

  I raise my hands up to quiet everyone. “Josh is right. We should just let it go. She is still grieving, but she is getting better.” I don’t know if I said that to convince them, or myself. “You have to remember, she was alone and scared. Now she has all of us.” I pull my keys out of my pocket. “Oh, and yes, you guys did interrupt us.” I turn around as the guys laugh at me. “So next time call in advance.”

  “Ready, Angel?” I prompt as she enters the now silent living room.

  She gives me a small nod, and we make our way out to the garage. I open the truck door for her, and once everyone is in the garage, I call out, “We will follow you guys.”

  I climb into the driver’s seat and back out of the garage. Once we get on the highway, I try to speak to her. “Are you okay, Angel?”

  She looks at me, her face expressionless. “Yeah. Why?” she says, sounding bored.

  “I was just wondering.” I reach down and grab her left hand out of her lap, bringing it up to my lips. “I just worry about you is all.”

  “I promise. I am just fine.”

  “Is there something going on between you and Courtney?” No reason to wait to ask that question.

  She sighs and it makes me glance over at her. “What is it?”

  “She’s always asking me if I’m okay. It’s driving me nuts. I’m not going to go crazy again, breaking stuff.”

  “She just worries about you.”

  She’s silent for several minutes. “You’re right. I’ll be nicer.”

  She agreed with me way too easily, something is obviously bothering her.

  “You know I’m here for you if you need to talk right?”

  “Yep,” she says, looking out of the window.

  “Are you excited about going to Vegas?” I am actually very nervous about the trip. There are going to be old friends there that I used to party with and I have a feeling things may not go very well. I’m just hoping that they don’t make it hard on Angel and me. Some of my friends can be…well, obnoxious horn dogs doesn’t begin to describe them.

  She doesn’t answer so I look over at her again. “I think it will be fun.” She glances back at me, giving me a small smile.

  “Of course it will.” I agree, trying to reassure myself.

  We pull up to the Hard Rock Café and she gets out of the truck before I can get to her door. I frown. She knows I like to open the door for her. I like to do the little things that make her feel special.

  “When are we going to go shopping for Vegas outfits?” Holly asks the girls as soon as we are all seated.

  “I’m ready whenever you are,” Angel answers, opening her menu.

  “Would you rather go shopping there?” I lean back, rubbing my hand up and down her back.

  “Doesn’t matter to me.” She shrugs, still looking at her menu.

  “Hello, everyone. What can I get you all to drink?” the waiter asks, approaching our table.

  Holly and Courtney both order strawberry daiquiris while all the guys order a beer.

  I pat Angel’s back to get her attention when it’s her turn.

  “Oh.” She looks up from her menu. “I would like a water, please.”

  Holly smiles at her while Courtney frowns. “We ordered daiquiris.”

  Angel shakes her head. “I want a water,” she repeats to confirm her answer to the waiter.

  “You don’t want to drink?” Courtney sounds shocked.

  “No. I’m cutting back on my drinking.”

  “Why?” Courtney narrows her eyes at her while Josh elbows her. “What?” she snaps looking over at him. “She always drinks.”

  Angel looks up at her with a look of hatred. “Because I don’t want to Courtney. It’s not even two in the afternoon. I decided I want to cut back on my drinking. Is that a fucking problem? Do I have to ask your permission—”

  “Wow, wow.” I lean up patting her back and cutting her off. “Calm down, Angel. She was just asking a question,” I say to her in a low tone. She whips her head over to me and her green eyes are giving me a ‘go to hell’ look.

  “No, she wasn’t. She was questioning why I have decided to cut back on drinking. Why does it matter if I don’t want to drink?” she huffs.

  Courtney looks like she’s about to say something when Josh slides out of the booth, pulling her with him.

  I watch them walk out of the door, and then look back at Angel. “What was that about?” She has me seriously concerned. Not only did she snap at her, she also said fuck. That just isn’t like her.

  She doesn’t say anything as she slides away from me and stands, leaving the table, heading to the bathrooms.

  “Are you going to follow her?” Micah asks Holly.

  “No. Unlike Courtney, I know my friend’s boundaries. Sam just needs a moment to herself.”

  “I don’t know what is wrong with her.” I set my elbows on the table and run a hand through my hair, confused.

  “I totally agree.”

  I look up and give Holly a small smile knowing that she understands what I’m talking about.

  “Courtney was way out of line.”

  I frown. Clearly, we were not thinking the same thing. “You think Courtney was out of line? You don’t think Angel snapping at her was out of line?”

  “
Sam was right, it’s none of her business what she wants to drink.”

  Courtney and Josh come back in and sit down at the table. Courtney looks pissed and so does Josh.

  “Where is Sam?” Courtney asks, looking around.

  “Bathroom,” Holly answers before I can.

  Courtney nods and gets up, heading in that direction.

  “Do you think I should go to the bathroom to make sure they don’t get into it?” I know the girls have been best friends for years, but Angel looked like she wanted to punch someone.

  Josh shakes his head. “She’s going to apologize. I told her she needs to relax when it comes to Sam. So what if she is not going to drink as much as she used to? It’s not like she’s drinking more.”

  “What did she say?” I ask, curious.

  “That she worries about her.” He rolls his eyes.

  My brows scrunch. “You don’t think she should?” Even I know she is not acting like herself.

  “I don’t think it is Courtney’s place to question why Sam is doing what she does. Sam has gone through a traumatic experience and she is obviously trying to cope. Who is Courtney to question that?”

  I nod as that makes sense. I look up to see the girls coming from the bathroom and they both look bitchy. Great!

  They take their seats, but don’t speak. Our waiter reappears, placing all of our drinks on the table.

  “Are you guys ready to order?” he asks with way too much enthusiasm.

  He starts with Josh and works his way around to our side. I’m the last one to order. Once he is gone, I place my arm around Angel and pull her into me. She comes willingly and rests her head on my shoulder.

  They rest of lunch is filled with an uneasy tension. I notice that Angel talks to everyone else more than she does Courtney, and Courtney does just the same. They don’t say two words directly to one another.

  I have a feeling things are just going to get more complicated before they get any better.

  I open the drawer and pull out my work shirt along with a different bra. I’m still steaming from Courtney’s outburst at lunch. She had no right to question my decisions. It’s not as if I said I was going to drink myself into a coma, or start trying every drug on the market. I just said I was going to cut back on my drinking. How is that a bad thing?

  “Angel?”

  I turn around to see Slade leaning against the doorway to our bedroom with his arms crossed over his sculpted chest. As soon as we got back from lunch he locked himself in his office while I spent most of the day cleaning the house.

  I reach down, pull my shirt up over my body, and toss it onto the bed. Then I reach back, unfastening my bra before tossing it as well.

  His eyes never leave mine while I put on my new bra, followed by my work shirt.

  “What?” I finally ask since he continues to just stand there, his blue eyes never leaving mine, while I change. A month ago he would have already had me on the bed stripped naked.

  “What was said when you girls went to the bathroom?”

  He has already asked me this question twice on the way home from lunch but I ignored it. I don’t want to repeat what she said, although, I can’t forget it.

  She storms into the bathroom to find me washing my hands.

  “Josh told me to apologize to you. Though I don’t know why.” She places her hands on her hips. “You may be able to fool all of them, but you can’t fool me.” Then she spins around and walks out with me hot on her trail.

  “Nothing important.” I head into the closet and take off my shorts and heels. I slide on a pair of jeans.

  When I come out, he is still leaning against the doorframe. His head is resting against it now, his eyes closed. I know he’s tired, but of what I’m not sure. I don’t know if the problem is me or his work. And if it is his work, I’m sure I’m not helping the situation at all.

  I sit down on the bed, thinking, as I put on socks and my Nikes.

  We were perfect before my mom called. Yeah, we had our arguments, but now, I feel as if we are both in a deep, dark hole trying to figure out how to dig our way out of it.

  There’s no doubt in my mind that I want Slade by my side no matter what path I decide on. I can just think better when I’m by myself and not constantly being questioned how I feel about…well, everything.

  I stand up, grab my phone off of my nightstand, and throw it in my purse. “I’ll be home late.” Walking over to him, I find he is still standing in the exact same position. For a second it looks like he might have fallen asleep there.

  He opens his eyes and uncrosses his arms. He pushes away from the door and stands in the middle of the doorway.

  I walk right up to him and wrap my arms around his stomach, resting my head on his chest. He smells so good, I would be happy spending the entire night smelling him. My smile brightens knowing that I’m going to go to work smelling like him.

  He wraps his arms around my shoulders and kisses the top of my hair.

  “You could call in sick.” He lays his chin on my head.

  “I can’t do that.”

  “Why not?’

  “Because if I call in sick, they will call someone else in to cover my shift and that’s not fair to them.” He squeezes me tighter for a second then I feel his chest rise and fall with a deep breath.

  “Okay. Please be careful driving home in the morning.” He unwinds his arms and pushes me back a little so he can look into my eyes. “I hate you working nights. If you won’t quit, will you at least change back to days?”

  I had worked days for a couple of weeks after Jax and I broke up, when I didn’t want to see a lot of people. I had then switched back to nights, liking that it was busier and kept my mind occupied. Plus, by then I was kind of seeing Slade, and I no longer cared what people thought about my break up with Jax.

  “I only like working with Holly and she prefers to work nights.” That was kind of a lie, and with the way his brows scrunched, I think he knew that. I don’t want to work days.

  He nods his head and cups my cheek in his hand. His other hand slides around my back and pulls me closer to him. “I hope you have a great night.” He leans his head down and gives me a soft, sweet kiss. I moan in frustration as he pulls away, wanting more. “I love you.” His baby blue eyes search my face.

  “I love you, baby.” I pull away from him and walk out of the bedroom.

  I park Nadia in the back lot of the bar and get out. I still drive her everywhere. I have not bought a new car yet, afraid Slade will go postal on me, but I still don’t want to drive the Tahoe. Some days I feel great, as if nothing bad has happened, and then I have days I feel as if I’m barely hanging on. Twice this week I have had what felt like panic attacks in our bathroom while Slade was at work. I couldn’t breathe and felt like my chest was going to explode. I calmed myself down, eventually, and have not mentioned them to anyone. The last thing I need is to be sent to a doctor and placed on medication.

  Not going to happen!

  I walk in through the back door and go right behind the bar. It’s six and not all that busy yet.

  “Hey, Sam.” I look over to see Becky as she walks behind the bar.

  “Hey.” I pull my phone out of my purse and shove it in my back pocket.

  “Is Holly here yet?” I ask, placing my bar key in my other back pocket.

  “Yes. She’s refilling the cooler.” She grabs her stuff and tells me bye. I am her replacement for the evening shift.

  It surprised me when I didn’t see Holly’s car outside, though Micah sometimes drops her off and picks her up on the weekends.

  “Hey, Holls.” I walk into the cooler and see her folding up some empty beer boxes.

  She stands, straightening up.

  “Ready for a great night?” She laughs as she rolls her eyes.

  “Absolutely.” I don’t mind spending my Saturday nights at work. Just being here and away from the constant questions from Slade makes me happy. Holly doesn’t ask questions. She just makes me
smile.

  I follow her out of the cooler carrying a box of Corona. We walk behind the bar and I set down the box, bending over to place them into the bin.

  “Sam, you have a customer. Do you want me to wait on him?” Holly asks as I fold up the now empty box.

  “No, I’ll go.” I throw the box in a pile on the floor and dust my hands off. I look over the bar and see the back of a man sitting at a table. I walk out from the behind the bar and head over to him. He has a tight, black short-sleeve shirt on. The fabric pulls against his back and shoulders. The guy looks like a UFC fighter from behind. As I get closer, I notice that both arms have tattoos covering them. They look to be black ink of some tribal work.

  “Welcome to Larry’s. What can I get you?” I greet as I come up beside him.

  He turns his head to look at me and I freeze. Tate sits before me with a small smile on his face. “Sam,” he says in a deep voice.

  There is no way he is here. This can’t be possible. I turn around and head to the bathroom. I wish I would have listened to Slade and just called in sick.

  I burst into the bathroom and take a few deep breaths, trying not to have another panic attack.

  Why can’t people just leave me alone? Is there nowhere that I can go to be alone? To have some peace and try to get over what happened? I’ll never be able to move on with my life if I can’t forget it.

  “Sam?” Holly urges as she walks in.

  “I just need a minute, Holly.” I nod, looking at her in the mirror. She is the only one who seems to treat me normal. I don’t want her thinking that I can’t handle seeing Tate out there.

  She comes to stand next to me as her brown eyes search my face. “He wants to talk to you,” she says quietly. “I told him he needed to quit bothering you.” She takes a deep breath. “But he says he just wants to talk to you. He wants a chance to explain.”

  I push away from the counter and turn my body to face her, taking another deep breath. “And you think I should let him explain?”

  “I know you’re trying to move on. I know that Slade and Courtney hound you about how you feel, constantly. You’re trying to live your life.” She shrugs. “Maybe this will help move you in the right direction. Instead of running from it, maybe you should just give him the chance to explain. I’m not saying become his friend or forgive him, but maybe he can help get you a better understanding of what your mother did and why.” She turns around and walks out, leaving me in the bathroom.