T.C. Boyle Stories II: Volume II

by T. C. Boyle

  Ellen’s face darkened. “He’s the worst kind of trash,” she said. “Just mean, that’s all, like the bullies on the playground.”

  And now there was the sound of a commotion from the rear of the plane, and Ellen turned to see Lercher emerge from the galley on the far side of the plane, the flight attendants cowering behind him. In each hand he wielded a gleaming stainless-steel coffeepot, and he was moving rapidly up the aisle, his eyes gone hard with hate. “Out of my way!” he screamed, elbowing a tottering old lady aside. “Anybody fucks with me gets scalded, you hear me?”

  People awoke with a snort. A hundred heads ducked down protectively, and on every face was an expression that said not now, not here, not me. No one said a word. And then, suddenly, a male flight attendant came hurtling down the aisle from the first-class section and attempted to tackle the big man, gripping him around the waist, and Ellen heard a woman cry out as hot coffee streamed down the front of her blouse. Lercher held his ground, bludgeoning the flight attendant to the floor with the butt of the wildly splashing pot he clutched in his right fist, and then the two female attendants were on him, tearing at his arms, and a male passenger, heavyset and balding, sprang savagely up out of his seat to enter the fray.

  For a moment, they achieved a sort of equilibrium, surging forward and falling back again, but Lercher was too much for them. He stunned the heavyset man with a furious, slashing blow, then flung off the flight attendants as if they were nothing. The scalded woman screamed again, and Ellen felt as if a knife were twisting inside her. She couldn’t breathe. Her arms went limp. Lercher was dancing in the aisle, shouting obscenities, moving backward now, toward the galley, and God only knew what other weapons he might find back there.

  Where was the captain? Where were the people in charge? The cabin was in an uproar, babies screaming, voices crying out, movement everywhere—and Lercher was in the galley, dismantling the plane, and no one could do anything about it. There was the crash of a cart being overturned, a volley of shouts, and suddenly he appeared at the far end of Ellen’s aisle, his face contorted until it was no human face at all. “Die!” he screamed. “Die, you motherfuckers!” The rear exit door was just opposite him, and he paused in his fury to kick at it with a big booted foot, and then he was hammering at the Plexiglas window with one of the coffeepots as if he could burst through it and sail on out into the troposphere like some sort of human missile.

  “You’re all going to die!” he screamed, pounding, pounding. “You’ll be sucked out into space, all of you!” Ellen thought she could hear the window cracking—wasn’t anybody going to do anything?—and then he dropped both coffeepots and made a rush up the aisle for the first-class section.

  Before she could react, Michael rose in a half-crouch, swung his laptop out across the saddlebag lady’s tray table, and caught Lercher in the crotch with the sharp, flying corner of it. She saw his face then, Lercher’s, twisted and swollen like a sore, and it came right at Michael, who could barely maneuver in his eighteen inches of allotted space. In a single motion, the big man snatched the laptop from Michael’s hand and brought it whistling down across his skull, and Ellen felt him go limp beside her. At that point, she didn’t know what she was doing. All she knew was that she’d had enough, enough of Roy and this big, drunken, testosterone-addled bully and the miserable, crimped life that awaited her at her mother’s, and she came up out of her seat as if she’d been launched—and in her hand, clamped there like a flaming sword, was a thin steel fork that she must have plucked from the cluttered dinner tray. She went for his face, for his head, his throat, enveloping him with her body, the drug singing in her heart and the scotch flowing like ichor in her veins.

  —

  They made an emergency stop in Denver, and they sat on the ground in a swirling light snow as the authorities boarded the plane to take charge of Lercher. He’d been overpowered finally and bound to his seat with cloth napkins from the first-class dining service, a last napkin crammed into his mouth as a gag. The captain had come on the loudspeaker with a mouthful of apologies, and then, to a feeble cheer from the cabin, pledged free headphones and drinks on the house for the rest of the flight. Ellen sat, dazed, over yet another scotch, the seat beside her vacant. Even before the men in uniforms boarded the plane to handcuff and shackle Lercher, the paramedics had rushed down the aisle to evacuate poor Michael to the nearest hospital, and she would never forget the way his eyes had rolled back in his head as they laid him out on the stretcher. And Lercher, big and bruised, his head drunkenly bowed and the dried blood painted across his cheek where the fork had gone in and gone in again, as if she’d been carving a roast with a dull knife, Lercher led away like Billy Tindall or Lucas Lopez in the grip of the principal on a bad day at La Cumbre Elementary.

  She sipped her drink, her face gone numb, eyes focused on nothing, as the whole plane murmured in awe. People stole glances at her, the saddlebag woman offered up her personal copy of the January Cosmopolitan, the captain himself came back to pay homage. And the flight attendants—they were so relieved they were practically genuflecting to her. It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered. There would be forms to fill out, a delay in Chicago, an uneventful flight into New York, eight hours behind schedule. Her mother would be there, with a face full of pity and resignation, and she’d be too delicate to mention Roy, or teaching, or any of the bleak details of the move itself, the waste of a new microwave, and all that furniture tossed in a Dumpster. She would smile, and Ellen would try to smile back. “Is that it?” her mother would say, eyeing the bag slung over her shoulder. “You must have some baggage?” And then, as they were heading down the carpeted corridor, two women caught in the crush of humanity, with the snow spitting outside and the holidays coming on, her mother would take her by the arm, smile up at her, and just to say something, anything, would ask, “Did you have a nice flight?”

  (1999)

  The Black and White Sisters

  I used to cut their lawn for them, before they paved it over, that is. It was the older one, Moira, the one with the white hair and vanilla skirt, who gave me the bad news. “Vincent,” she said, “Caitlin and I have decided to do without the lawn—and the shrubs and flowers too.” (We were in her kitchen at the time, a place from which every hint of color had been erased, Caitlin was hovering in the doorway with her vulcanized hair and cream-pie face, and my name is Larry, not Vincent—just to give you some perspective.)

  I shuffled my feet and ducked my head. “So you won’t be needing a gardener anymore then?”

  Moira exchanged a look with her sister, who was my age exactly: forty-two. I know, because we were in school together, all three of us, from elementary through junior high, when their parents took them to live in New York. Not long after that the parents died and left them a truckload of money, and eventually they made their way back to California to take up residence in the family manse, which has something like twenty rooms and two full acres of lawns and flowerbeds, which I knew intimately. Moira wasn’t much to look at anymore—too pinned-back and severe—but Caitlin, if you caught her in the right light, could be very appealing. She had a sort of retro-ghoulish style about her, with her dead black clinging dress and Kabuki skin and all the rest of it. Black fingernails, of course. And toenails. I could just see the glossy even row of them peeping out from beneath the hem of her dress.

  “Well,” Moira demurred, coming back to me in her brisk grandmotherly way, though she wasn’t a grandmother, never even married, and couldn’t have been more than forty-four or -five, “I wouldn’t be too hasty. We’re going to want all the shrubs and trees removed—anything that shows inside the fence, that is.”

  I’d been around in my time (in and out of college, stint in the merchant marine, twice married and twice divorced, and I’d lived in Poughkeepsie, Atlanta, Juneau, Cleveland and Mazatlán before I came home to California and my mother), and nothing surprised me. Or not particularly. I studied Moira’s face,
digging the toe of my workboot into the square of linoleum in front of me. “I don’t know,” I said finally, “it’s going to be a big job—the trees anyway. I can handle the shrubs and flowers myself, but the treework’s going to have to go to a professional. I can make some calls, if you want.”

  Moira came right back at me, needling and sharp. “You know the rule: black jeans, white T-shirt, black caps. No exceptions.”

  I was wearing black jeans myself—and a white T-shirt and black cap, from which I’d removed the silver Raiders logo at her request. I was clear on the parameters here. But the money was good, very good, and I was used to dealing with the eccentric rich—that was pretty much all we had in this self-consciously quaint little town by the sea. And eccentric, as we all know, is just a code word for pure cold-water crazy. “Sure,” I said. “No problem.”

  “You’ll bill us?” Moira asked, smoothing down her skirt and crossing the room in a nervous flutter to pull open the refrigerator and peer inside.

  Ten percent, I could see it already—and the treework would be eleven or twelve thousand, easy, maybe more. It wasn’t gouging, not really, just my commission for catering to their whims—or needs. Black jeans and white T-shirts. Sure. I just nodded.

  “And no Mexicans. I know there’s practically nothing but on any work crew these days, and I have nothing against them, nothing at all, but you know how I feel, Vincent, I think. Don’t you?” She removed a clear glass pitcher of milk from the refrigerator and took a glass from the cupboard. “A black crew I’d have no objection to—or a white one either. But it’s got to be one or the other, no mixing, and you know”—she paused, the glass in one hand, the pitcher in the other—“if it’s a black crew, I think I’d like to see them in white jeans and black T-shirts. Would there be a problem with that, if the question should arise?”

  “No,” I said, slowly shaking my head, as if I could barely sustain the weight of it, “no problem at all.”

  “Good,” she said, pouring out a clean white glass of milk and setting it down on the counter beside the pitcher as if she were arranging a still life. She clasped her hands over her breast, flashed a look at her sister, and then smiled as if I’d just carved up the world like a melon and handed it to her, piece by dripping piece. “We’ll begin A.S.A.P. then, hmm? The sooner the better?”

  “Sure,” I said.

  “All right, then. Do you have anything to add, Caitlin?”

  Caitlin’s voice, soft as the beat of a cabbage moth’s wing: “No, nothing.”

  —

  I started digging out the bushes myself—fuchsia, oleander, mock orange—but I had to go pretty far afield for the tree crew. There were three grand old oaks in the front yard, a mature Australian tea tree on the east side of the house, and half a dozen citrus trees in the back. It would take a crew of ten at least, with climbers, a cherry picker, shredder and cleanup, and as I say, it was going to be expensive. And wasteful. A real shame, really, to strip and pave a yard like that, but if that was what they wanted, I was in no position to argue. I stood to make eleven hundred or so on the trees and another five digging out the shrubs and tilling up the lawn.

  The problem, though, as Moira had foreseen, was in finding a non-Mexican crew in San Roque. It just didn’t exist. Nor were there many white guys on the dirty end of the tree business—they basically just bid the jobs and sent you the bill—and there were no blacks in town at all. Finally, I drove down to Los Angeles and talked to Walt Tremaine, of Walt’s Stump & Tree, and he agreed to come up and bid the job, writing in three hundred extra for the aesthetic considerations—i.e., the white jeans and black T-shirts.

  Walt Tremaine was a man of medium size with a firm paunch and a glistening bald sweat-speckled crown. He looked to be in his fifties, and he was wearing a pair of cutoff blue jeans and one of those tight-fitting shirts with the little alligator logo over the left nipple. The alligator was green, and the shirt was the color of a crookneck squash—a bright, glowing, almost aniline yellow. We were both contemplating the problem of the tea tree, a massive snaking thing that ran its arms out into a tangle of neglected Victorian Box, when the two women appeared round the corner of the house. Moira was in white—high-heeled boots, ankle-length dress and sweater, though it was a golden temperate day, like most days here—and Caitlin was in her customary black. Both of them had parasols, but Caitlin had taken the white one and Moira the black for some reason—maybe they were trying to impress Walt Tremaine with their improvisatory daring.

  I introduced them, and Moira, beaming, took Walt Tremaine’s hand and said, “So, you’re a black man.”

  He just stared at the picture of her white-gloved hand in the shadow of his for a minute and then corrected her. “African American.”

  “Yes,” Moira said, still beaming, “exactly. And I very much like the color of your shirt, but you do understand I hope that it’s much too much of an excitation and will simply have to go. Yes?” And then she turned to me. “Vincent, have you explained to this gentleman what we require?”

  Walt Tremaine gave me a look. It was a look complicated by the fact that I’d introduced myself as Larry when he climbed out of his pickup truck, not to mention Moira’s comment about his shirt and the dead white of Moira’s dress and the nullifying black of her sister’s lipstick, but it went further than that too—it was the way Moira was talking, taking elaborate care with each syllable, as if she were an English governess with a board strapped to her back. He operated out of Van Nuys, and I figured he didn’t run across many women like Moira in an average day. But he was equal to the challenge, no problem there.

  “Sure,” he said, pressing a little smile onto his lips. “Your man here—whatever his name is—outlined the whole thing for me. I can do the job for you, but I have to say I’m an equal-opportunity employer, and I have eight Mexicans, two Guatemalans, a Serb and a Fiji Islander working for me, as well as my African Americans. And I don’t particularly like it, but I can split off one crew of black men and bring them up here, if that’s what you want.” He paused. Toed the grass a minute, touched a finger to his lips. When he spoke, it was with a rising inflection, and his eyes rolled up like loose windowshades and then came back down again: “White jeans?”

  Caitlin gave a little laugh and gazed out across the lawn. Her sister shot her a fierce look and then clamped the grandmotherly smile back on her face. “Indulge us,” she said. “We’re just trying to—well, let’s say we’re trying to simplify our environment.”

  —

  Later that afternoon, sweating buckets, I stopped to strip off my soaked-through T-shirt and hose some of the grit off me. I stood there a moment, my mind blank, the scent of everything that lives and grows rising to my nostrils, the steady stream of the hose now dribbling from my fingertips, now distending my cheeks, when the front gate cranked open and Caitlin’s black Mercedes rolled up the drive and came to a silent, German-engineered halt beside me. I’d been hacking away at an ancient plumbago bush for the past half hour, and I wasn’t happy. It seemed wrong to destroy all this living beauty, deeply wrong, a desecration of the yard and the neighborhood and a violation of the principles I try to live by—I hadn’t started up a gardening business to maim and uproot things, after all. I wanted to nurture new growth. I wanted healing. Rebirth. All of that. Because I’d seen some bad times, especially with my second wife, and all I can say is thank God we didn’t have any children.

  Anyway, there I was and there she was, Caitlin, stepping out of the car with a panting dog at her heels (no, it wasn’t a Scottie or a black Lab, but a Hungarian puli that was so unrelievedly black it cut a moving hole out of the scenery). She lifted two bulging plastic sacks from the seat beside her—groceries—and I remember wondering if the chromatic obsession extended to foods too. There would be eggplant in one of those bags, I was thinking, vanilla ice cream in another, devil’s food cake, Béchamel, week-old bananas, coffee, Crisco . . . but inspira
tion began to fail me when I realized she was standing two feet from me, watching the water roll off my shoulders and find its snaking way down my chest and into the waist of my regulation black jeans.

  “Hi, Larry,” she murmured, smiling at me with as sweet an expression as you could expect from a woman with black-rimmed eyes and lips the color of a dead streetwalker’s. “How’s it going?”

  I tried to wipe every trace of irritation from my face—as I say, I wasn’t too pleased with what she and her sister were doing here, but I tried to put things in perspective. I’d had crazier clients by a long shot. There was Mrs. Boutilier du Plessy, for one, who had me dig a pond twenty feet across for a single goldfish she’d been handed by a stranger at the mall, and Frank and Alma Fortressi, who paid me to line the floor of their master bedroom with Visqueen and then dump thirty bags of planting mix on top of it so I could plant peonies right at the foot of the bed. I smiled back at Caitlin. “All right, I guess.”

  She shaded her eyes from the sun and squinted at me. “Is that sweat? All over you, I mean?”

  “It was,” I said, holding her eyes. I was remembering her as a child, black hair in braids, like Pocahontas, dimpled knees, the plain constricting chute of a little girl’s dress, but a dress that was pink or moss-green or Lake Tahoe blue. “I just hosed off.”

  “Hard work, huh?” she said, looking off over my shoulder as if she were addressing someone behind me. And then: “Can I get you something to drink?”

  “It wouldn’t be milk, would it?” I said, and she laughed.

  “No, no milk, I promise. I can give you juice, soda, beer—would you like a beer?”

  The dog sniffed at my leg—or at least I hope he was sniffing, since he was so black and matted you couldn’t tell which end of him was which. “A beer sounds real nice,” I said, “but I don’t know how you and your sister are supposed to feel about it—I mean, beer’s not white.” I let it go a beat. “Or black.”