“Right,” he nodded.
Lara suddenly felt overcome. She sat on her bed, dropping the shirt she was folding to put into her suitcase down to her feet. “Kyle. How can we go on?”
He looked disheartened and sighed heavily as he sat next to her on the bed, pushing her suitcase to the side. “I was so worried you would feel this way after all the crap my mom said.”
“Well you can’t expect me to just be with while you are still married. That’s wrong and unchristian and just…”
“I know. But Lara, I am getting a divorce. We are just sorting out our stuff before we file. We want it to be amicable so we have a lot to work out. That doesn’t mean that it isn’t happening.”
“But where will you stay? Will you be with her? You haven’t seen her since your falling out.” Lara grappled with the image of him falling in love with Kayla again when he got back home.
“I haven’t decided about that yet. I think she will probably stay with her mom. If she doesn’t, then I’ll get a hotel.”
“So you won’t be staying together?”
“No, definitely not.”
Lara breathed in relief. “Well…does she know about me?”
Kyle looked uncomfortable. “She knows that I am a free man, just as she is free to date her boyfriend.”
“Don’t do that. Don’t evade my questions. You already didn’t tell me that you were still married. Does she know about me? Yes or no?”
Kyle sighed. “We have not had a conversation about that yet.”
“So she doesn’t know about me.” Lara breathed heavily. “Yet you know about her boyfriend? Why won’t you tell her about me?”
“Lara, I can sense this is escalating into an argument. I didn’t come here to fight. I just wanted to see you before you left.”
“It’s only becoming an argument because you aren’t being straight with me. Are you two for sure done? I need to know, Kyle, before I get into something with you. I have been cheated on and messed with so much and I can’t handle it again. You need to understand that. Right now I am feeling like I am just a rebound to you and none of this is truly special. I’m worried you’ll get back together and just forget about me.”
“Honey.” He took her face in his hands and planted a firm kiss on her lips. “I promise you. I am done with Kayla. She and I are over. It is just you and me now.”
Lara felt slightly relieved, but something didn’t sit well within her gut. “OK,” she said slowly, nodding.
“OK?” he asked.
“OK.”
“Good.” He smiled. “Now I can’t wait to take you out somewhere nice in Seattle. We will have such a special time there together.”
Lara smiled and nodded. “I want to show you my favorite spot on Puget Sound. I go there to relax and sketch sometimes.”
“That would be amazing. We could do another picnic,” Kyle smiled.
“Maybe in summer,” Lara laughed.
“Aw, you know that I’ll keep you warm.”
Lara smiled. Then her smile slipped. “I just hope you aren’t too busy when we get there. I worry that you will be working all the time and I will be too and we will never have time to see each other.”
“If we want to see each other, then we will make time. I know we will. We have survived a lot and I think we have the strength it takes to make this work. You aren’t like Kayla. You actually care about me and you have a big heart. Everything will be fine, honey.”
Lara leaned over and began to kiss Kyle. She slid her tongue into his mouth and he flicked it gently, driving her crazy. Just as she slowly began to pull him down onto the bed, his phone began to ring.
“You want to get that?” Lara asked.
“It can wait.” Kyle didn’t even look at his phone as he grabbed Lara’s face and began kissing her again.
His phone started ringing again, vibrating the mattress with urgency.
“Are you totally sure that you don’t want to get that? It sounds important,” Lara said.
Kyle groaned and slowly pulled himself up. He removed his phone from his pocket, looked guilty, and hit the ignore button. Then he laid back down with Lara.
“Was that Kayla?” Lara asked.
“Don’t worry about it. She probably just wants to talk about how we’re going to divvy up the furniture. I don’t feel like having that conversation right now.”
Lara felt upset and she wasn’t quite sure why. She pulled herself up. “Well, I need to get back to packing or I’ll miss my flight. Uncle Joey has to drive me all the way to Austin.”
“I understand.” Kyle stood up. His phone dinged with a text message, and he hastily checked it before setting it down on the bed. “One last thing, before you go.”
He pushed Lara back down on the bed and began to kiss her neck. Flushes of pleasure raced through Lara’s body. Her heart began beating. She remembered Kyle’s embrace before, and wondered how it would feel now, now that they both had more experience.
The phone went off again. Lara glanced over and saw Kayla’s name flash across the screen. Her contact picture was gorgeous; it was her and Kyle standing before some statue in a park, radiating happiness. Kyle had text message previews and her message started with, “Call me back baby! Getting worried about you...” Just as Lara finished reading the message, Kyle grabbed his phone and held it so she couldn’t see the screen.
Lara flung him off of her. “Baby? She still calls you baby? Wow!”
“Are you serious - Lara, stop it!”
“No! I won’t stop it! Are you seriously like every other guy? Wow! I sure thought that you were someone special! And to think you’re just another creep! You two seem to be doing just fine. I bet you are going to get back together and where do I fit into that? Do I just get cast on the wayside?”
“Dammit, no. I’ve been telling you the truth!”
“No, you obviously haven’t!” Lara started shaking as the tears began to boil in the depths of her chest. She felt like she couldn’t breathe and the walls were closing in on her. “I want you gone. I want you to get out of my house and never talk to me again. You are not going to hurt me again. I’m so tired of being hurt. Just go.” She couldn’t look him in the eye as she pointed to her door.
“Lara,” Kyle pleaded.
“Out!”
Uncle Joey appeared in Lara’s doorway. “Is there a problem here?” he demanded, glaring at Kyle.
“No, sir,” Kyle said hastily.
“Yes, there is a big problem,” Lara said as she burst into tears. “Just get out!”
“You better leave, son,” Uncle Joey said firmly.
Kyle nodded. He cast one last pleading look at Lara, clearly wanting to put his arms around her and comfort her, before leaving.
“Why doesn’t any guy love me?” Lara sobbed to Uncle Joey.
Uncle Joey hugged her as Aunt Lynn ran into the room. Lara couldn’t explain what was happening as she dissolved into heartbroken tears.
Chapter 11: Rainy Seattle
Lara was morose the entire flight home. The old lady next to her tried to engage her in conversation by showing her photos of grandkids and puppies, but Lara just couldn’t hold a conversation. The lump in her throat actually hurt. Her chest ached.
Lara hadn’t expected to return from Thanksgiving in Texas with anything. But after how her week off had gone, she was so disappointed to return to Seattle with her hands and her heart empty. She had been so busy with work and painting for the past few years that she hadn’t realize how empty and small her life really was. Now she felt the void that existed within her very keenly.
She dreaded returning to her apartment and having no one to greet her. She didn’t even really have any close friends. She had a few that she went out with now and then, that was it. Nobody close like Cassie. There was her hairstylist, Meredith Monroe, who was always a lot of fun and took pride in doing Marilyn Monroe impersonations. They had gone out for drinks a few times and stood around with pretty cocktails waiting for me
n to approach them. Meredith was a huge flirt and usually ended up getting all the guys while Lara had to call a cab and head home alone. Now she was getting married and planning a huge ceremony, and the idea of being around Meredith in her pre-wedding bliss was depressing.
Maybe she could call Sadie from the sales department. They could have lunch or something. Sadie wore coke bottle glasses and hid her rather nice figure under baggy turtleneck sweaters and gramma clothes. It was hard to believe that Sadie was only thirty-two, because she looked and acted ancient. Even her posture was hunched like an old lady who had to use a walker. Maybe it would be relieving for Lara to hang out with someone as alone as herself.
Maybe she could get a cat. Just become a cat lady. At least a cat couldn’t cheat on her and lie to her and forget to call. A cat wouldn’t leave her feeling bruised inside and wondering why she couldn’t seem to make it work with any guy.
Maybe she could go skydiving or hiking Mount Olympus. She needed to make more friends, add more excitement to her life. If she was going to die alone, she might as well have plenty of great stories for the nursing home. She already felt old and like her life was passing her by. She didn’t want to waste any more years just working, working, working. All alone.
Maybe she could create an eHarmony account. Last year she had attended a wedding where the couple had met online. But the idea felt repulsive to her. How desperate did one have to be to start finding people online? At what point did a person give up and admit that they had failed at attracting someone without trying? Was she desperate enough to post her loneliness and alienation online in hopes of attracting another sad and lonely soul? A few more years alone might determine that. But she wasn’t ready to take that step right now.
A cat sounded like a better option. And maybe skydiving. She thought about trying indoor skydiving first. It seemed safer.
When she left the airport, it was raining. As usual. She hailed a taxi and hunkered down in the seat, her hair dripping, her heart heavy with dread. She dreaded going into her apartment. She dreaded the next few days, months, years alone.
She wondered if Kyle had made it back to Seattle yet. If he was with Kayla. Kayla and Kyle. She snorted, imagining how cute their wedding invitations must have looked with their similar names. Whatever. Weddings are overrated, she thought.
When she got to her apartment, it wasn’t as depressing as she had anticipated. Rather, it was comforting to be home. She sprayed some Glade to get rid of the stale smell that places acquire when they have not been lived in for a few days and then collapsed onto her bed. The apartment was a studio, and her bed was in her living room. Before she had thought that was trendy, but now it just screamed her singleness. Oh well.
As she dozed off, she imagined what color cat she would get.
“Are you sure you want to do this?” Gary asked. Gary called himself the “coffeehouse fairy.” He was a short, chubby gay guy who owned the Fairytale Coffeehouse where Lara had hung her paintings for the past few years.
“Yeah, I’m sure.”
“Everybody, and I mean everybody, liked looking at them. My walls are going to be so bare for a while! Just ugly brick. Gack!” Gary said sadly.
“Yeah, well, you’ll find somebody better to display their art.” Lara finished rolling her prints into the waterproof sack. “Not like I sold anything.”
“Well nobody buys art anymore, honey. They just like to look at it. But you were getting some serious attention!”
Lara smiled sadly. It felt like her world was closing in around her, crushing her in its weight. “Thanks, Gary. I appreciate you taking a chance on me.”
“Well good luck, dearie. Don’t give up just yet.” Gary placed a hand on Lara’s shoulder; his fingers were laden with rings. “At least have a latte. You know that cures any bad day.”
“Thanks, but I need to be getting home. I already had coffee this morning.”
Gary looked offended. “Please don’t tell me you’re drinking that Keurig crap!”
Lara laughed weakly. “I’ll come in later and grab a latte, OK? See you later.”
“Bye.” Gary watched Lara leave, concern on his face. He had never seen Lara look so discouraged or beaten down before. She was a serious one, but her soul was always radiating a smile. “Something must have happened in Texas,” he surmised. “Small wonder. I don’t know how she can stand going down to Hicksville every year.”
Lara trudged up to her apartment, the paintings growing heavier with every step. When she opened the door, a little Calico promptly ran up to her and began rubbing his head on her legs. “Hey, Meow Meow! Don’t make me trip!” Lara called as she stashed the paintings behind her couch.
She began to microwave a cup of ramen. Her cat hopped up on the counter and began to rubbing his head on her hands. She had been too depressed to cook, so she had stocked up on cheap comfort food, from Ding Dongs to ramen. Who cares about weight when you’re going to be a cat lady, she reasoned.
The mailman chucked the mail through her door slot. She picked up a handful of letters. “Bill, Bill, Bill,” she muttered to herself as she sorted through the letters. “And wedding invitation!” she said when she came across the heavy pink perfumed card addressed from Meredith Monroe.
The invitation really was pretty, with heavy typeset on expensive cream-colored cardstock, laden with pink lace accents. Meredith always had style. There was a picture of her and her fiancé, Richard, standing with their arms around each other and beaming. “I’m sure you’ll be so happy together. I hope he doesn’t have a secret wife that you’ll find out about or something,” Lara muttered.
An RSVP card fell out of the envelope. There was the dreaded “plus one” check box. Lara laughed darkly. “Can I bring my cat?” she thought, as she began to fill out the card. Then her depression overcame her and she couldn’t bear to continue. She dropped the card onto her desk to deal with later and went to get her Ramen.
Then she went to bed.
Her brief time with Kyle had made her so happy. Now that is was gone, she felt like she had been unplugged from life. Nothing made her feel good. Nothing had any point. She missed Kyle, and that drove her crazy.
“Sounds to me like you’re depressed,” Sadie said frankly as Lara described her feelings. They were having lunch at an Italian bistro near the building where the Thomas Avery Publications offices were located. Traffic whizzed by outside the door and people strode by. A homeless man was sleeping next to his shopping cart of blankets under the bistro window.
“Depressed?” Lara had never thought of it like that before. She had never been diagnosed with depression or taken meds. “I think I’m just heartbroken.”
“Same thing. If you have no energy and no interest in doing the things you love, then you have depression. I should know. I have had for years. It always gets a lot worse after a break-up.”
Lara sighed heavily. “I’m not even sure it was a break-up. It just…ended. Before we even began. I can’t believe he is still married. She isn’t even good for him.”
“Well, he was going to get a divorce, right?”
“So he said.”
Sadie shrugged. “Maybe he really is going to. Just because she said baby doesn’t mean that they are going to work it out. He wasn’t calling her baby, right?”
“I really don’t know. He hid everything from me. He was even hiding the phone from me so I couldn’t see what he was texting about with her. That tells me he had something to hide.”
“Or he just didn’t want you snooping in his private business.”
This lunch with Sadie was depressing Lara even more. She just wanted to pay the bill and get out of here. Now Sadie was making her wonder if she had overreacted. But it was wrong to be with a married man, right?
“Look, I have a great psychiatrist. He doesn’t take insurance but he can get you on some meds so you get out of this slump,” Sadie said.
“I don’t need meds,” Lara snapped. Then she felt bad. “Sorry. I’m not trying to s
nap at you. I just feel like crap. I think what I really need is some joy in my life. Something fun.”
Sadie just nodded slowly, not seeming to understand what Lara was saying. Sadie was not a very happy person. The idea of adding joy to her life was simply not one that had ever occurred to her.
“I need to do something wild. Like skydiving. I need to move on.” Lara tossed her napkin onto her plate of rigatoni as fresh resolve filled her with energy. “I’m going to start really living my life.”
Chapter 12: Really Living
Lara stood in line at the registration counter, her safety paperwork in hand. She was sick with nerves. The people around her had all done this before and seemed enthused; one guy behind her was talking about how this was his first time too, but she didn’t understand how he could seem so excited. She had been excited herself for the days leading up to this. Now that she was actually here at Sky Dive Snohomish, however, she wondered what was wrong with her. Her mental issues had to be a lot deeper than just depression if she thought jumping out of an airplane at fourteen thousand feet was a fun idea.
But then the lady behind the desk called out, “Lara McClure?”
Lara stepped forward and handed over her papers. The woman smiled. “And you agree to absolve us of any responsibility for your safety on this jump? Say yes. I’m recording you.”
“Uh, yes.”
“OK.” The woman snapped a picture of Lara on a little webcam mounted on her computer monitor. Then she printed the picture, put it on top of Lara’s papers, and stamped Lara’s file. “And will you be paying with cash or card?”
Lara paid hesitantly, knowing that once she was billed two hundred dollars for this that was it. There were no refunds.
The woman processed Lara’s card and beamed pleasantly as she handed Lara handed her a receipt. “The safety class is in that room right there,” she said, indicating a little door next to the desk.
Lara walked into the class. How much sky dive safety could she really learn in a little classroom with a TV? There were a few other first-timers in there who were all beaming and radiant with anticipation.
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