Feeling a little sick, Lara took a seat and waited until the class was full. The Australian instructor strode in, wearing shorts even though it was piercing cold outside. “OK, everybody, how are we today?” he drawled.
“Great!” a guy said.
Lara wished she could say the same. She felt like the pit of her stomach had fallen out.
“OK. So here’s the safety class. Now when you jump outta the plane, you need to make a banner.” He curled himself up on the floor to indicate the position. “Then when you’re about to land, you need to stretch your legs like you’re going to sit on your bum. OK. That’s it. Any questions?”
Lara stammered, “That’s – that’s it?”
“Well, yeah. Unless you want to watch the video about sky diving injuries. I bet you don’t want to see that, do you? It really drags the mood down.”
With the class concluded, everybody filed outside to meet their tandem sky dive instructors. Lara felt a little relief knowing that she would not be jumping alone. The guy who was supposed to jump with her was a short, athletic, energetic guy who enthusiastically shook her hand and recorded her on his GoPro as he described how he had performed over two hundred jumps. “You’re in safe hands with me, doll,” he told her.
Lara sat petrified as the guy began to put on her harness. It was a clunky thing, but surprisingly unsophisticated. “I’ll strap you onto me once we’re in the plane,” he told her.
The plane was a rickety old Cessna that groaned and shuddered as it lifted off of the ground. Lara could feel the altitude change as they claimed higher and higher. One time, she looked out her little round window onto clouds. “We’re about halfway there,” her tandem instructor said, and she gasped.
“Only halfway? It looks so high up.”
“Darling, we’re going to fourteen thousand feet.”
The plane kept climbing up. It became infuriatingly slow. Lara couldn’t quiet the pounding in her chest or the knocking of her knees.
Suddenly, the three more experienced solo sky divers that were on the plane with them moved toward the door. It was a flimsy plastic door that rattled with the plane’s uncertain frame. They began shooting each other rock on signs and fist bumping. Suddenly, the pilot shouted, “Go!” and they slid up the door and stepped out onto a tiny ledge on the edge of the plane. It was amazing that they did not just immediately fall. Cold wind buffeted Lara as the solo skydivers clasped hands and suddenly vanished over the edge of the plane. Lara gasped.
Then one other tandem pair went. It gave Lara another shock when their heads just suddenly disappeared over the edge of the plane door.
“Are you ready?” her instructor asked her. He tightened one last strap. Then he sat up and began to guide Lara to the door. “I need you to step out on that little black ledge. Can you do that?”
Lara wanted to say no. She wanted to turn back. Her body felt sick with fear. Yet she had paid two hundred to be here and it felt like too late to turn back. Besides, the plane was so scary that she did not relish the idea of enduring a landing in it.
With a courage that she did not know she had, she stepped out onto the ledge. The air was piercing cold as it pressed her cheeks flat. Then, she wasn’t sure if her instructor pushed her or she stepped herself, but she found herself diving headfirst into the clouds. She felt an initial sickening lurch as the ground whipped out from under her feet, and then it…just went away.
It was beautiful. So peaceful, so cold. She felt like she was truly flying, not plummeting several hundred feet an hour.
Finally, the instructor released the parachute. There was a slight lift in Lara’s harness but it did not hurt. Now they were able to talk because the roaring of the wind in their ears was gone.
“Look,” the instructor said, waving at the scenery below.
Lara was in awe. Everything looked so small, even the city line in the distance. Water was sparkling blue and farm fields were flat green squares of a patchwork quilt. The trees seemed as big as broccoli florets. She loved the feeling of drifting over the world, getting a view that most people never got to enjoy. True, it was similar to the view from plane windows, but it was also different. There was nothing protecting her from the scenery, no pane of glass or plastic. No, she was raw and exposed. She was actually flying, like a bird.
It seemed like forever as they drifted down to the ground. Really, it had only been five minutes. Once they landed, Lara just wanted to go back up again. It was over too soon! She wanted to fly forever.
She went into the office to get her GoPro recording. Aunt Lynn would get a kick out of this. It was the type of thing that Aunt Lynn would do. Maybe Lara could take Aunt Lynn sometime.
The other sky divers wanted to have a party, but she did not feel that she fit in with that crowd very much. Some of them were even older than her, but they belonged to a party-hearty lifestyle that she simply could not identify with. They were nice, though, and she was so proud of her video. As she hopped into her car, she felt the oddest mixture of unwellness and joy. The edges of her vision were dark and she felt giddy and silly. The euphoria would not go away, which made her happy.
She realized that there was so much more to the world than what she had imagined. So what if she was single? That did not stop her from experiencing some of the greatest euphoria she had ever experienced. There was so much out there for her to experience, to learn, to enjoy. She did not have to live in her apartment, miserable, just because Kyle was yet another jerk.
She was proud of herself for conquering her fear and actually doing this. She was actually living her life!
When she got home, she emailed Aunt Lynn the GoPro video. Then she ordered some Chinese and laid down. Her head was still spinning and she did not feel like cooking.
On a sudden whim, she picked up her phone and looked up her dad on Facebook. Her dad was an example of someone who did not truly live. He abandoned his child and did not seem to care. Lara felt the familiar flash of rage. Then she felt calmness. Maybe it was time to stop being a coward and get her feelings out. She did not want to die having left that stone unturned. As various online self-help articles said, she needed to get this weight off of her chest, before it crushed her. Only when she addressed her father issues could she begin to love herself. And only when she loved herself could she find love. So why did she keep waiting?
So she clicked the message button, and began to compose a message to her father.
“Hi, Dad. It’s your daughter. Do you remember me? I see that you have a new family and a wonderful life. That is great and I am happy for you. But I find myself wondering every day why you chose that family and that life over me. What exactly did I do to make you stop talking to me when I was 16? I was just 16 and you broke my heart. I waited for you at my graduation but of course you didn’t come. I really needed you in my life, my last living parent, but you were never there. I come to you not in anger, but in an attempt to understand why you abandoned me when I needed you the most. It is very hurtful and I have grappled with understanding it for all of my life. Your actions make no sense to me. They have caused me years of pain. I often look at your profile and just drown in how much it hurts.
“I don’t expect to hear back from you. You have ended this relationship and that was your decision. But I hope that you at least give me the courtesy of some closure, so I can stop wondering day and night about why you don’t love me or want me in your life.
“Lara McClure.”
Lara waited a long while before she had the nerve to click send. It wasn’t that she feared angering her father. More than anything, she was scared of his response. What if he told her something deeply hurtful? What if he came up with lame excuses that would make her blood boil? What if, worst of all, he never replied but the seen checkmark appeared after a few days? That might drive her even crazier with suspense and hurt. Yet she knew she had to send the message. Once she did, she felt a tremendous weight lift from her shoulders.
Just as she had recovered from
the adrenalin that sending the message had caused her, the Chinese delivery guy arrived. Lara paid for her food and tipped him, just as she heard her phone started ringing. Could it be her dad? She ran away from the door with her armful of Chinese food, only to see “Kyle Brennan” on her phone screen.
In disgust, she slid the phone button to ignore. What could Kyle possibly want? At first she had hoped for a call or text, but over the weeks of silence, she grew accustomed to the fact that he had never really cared for her and was no longer a part of her life. She was such a fool, hoping that it was her dad. Of course her dad didn’t have her phone number. Duh.
At work the next day, Lara couldn’t concentrate. She just kept imagining the sky spreading out around her, in its searing yet relaxing beauty. She wanted to capture the image and the cold in a painting, and she kept trying to determine which colors to use. Of course blue and white, but what shade? There had to be a perfect blend in her watercolor set. She would just have to find it. Never before had she attempted to paint the sky.
“Lara? Yoo-hoo?” Sadie called from across the office. “You’re daydreaming, hun.”
“Oh? Oh, yeah. Can’t concentrate today. Sorry.”
“That happens with depression,” Sadie answered.
“I’m actually not depressed,” Lara said. “I feel better than I have in a while.”
“Oh. Did you go to that psychiatrist?”
“No.” Lara smiled. She didn’t really appreciate Sadie dragging all this out in front of the whole office. Thomas Avery was a small company, and everyone worked at open desks, where they could watch and hear every little thing that went on. The closest space for privacy was the vending machine room. Or the Italian bistro down the street. “I tried a different kind of therapy. I went skydiving.”
“Oh.” Sadie looked disappointed that she did not have a partner in her misery.
Just as Lara was about to go out for lunch, a delivery man with a huge edible bouquet entered the office. “Lara McClure?” he said.
Lara’s heart sank. Unless she had some secret admirer, which was unlikely, she knew just who the bouquet was from. The man set it on her desk as the other women in the office gasped and gathered around her desk. She opened the pink card affixed to the base of the bouquet. “Hi Lara. I’m sorry. Can we please talk? Kyle”
Lara rolled her eyes and tossed the note in the trash. “Just an old boyfriend trying to make amends,” she told everyone, as she disassembled the bouquet and began to pass around chocolate-dipped pineapple stars and fat strawberries. She saved one for herself and wondered if she was somehow accepting his apology by savoring the rich dark chocolate dip on the fruit. It really was delicious.
Kyle always knew just what to do and say. But if he thought that a bouquet of strawberries and pineapple was going to make her forgive him for using her as a rebound while he was still married, then he had another thing coming.
For once, he was not perfect. Lara could see his flaws. And she was no longer jealous. She could actually say that she deserved better and that Kyle was not above her in any way.
On her way out of the office, he started calling her again. Again she sent him straight to voicemail. She wondered if there was a way to block his number. She just really didn’t need him in her life.
At the Italian bistro, Lara began her sketch of the sky. She couldn’t wait to get off work so that she could go to the park and start seriously sketching. This was a bold endeavor, a deeper level of art, and she couldn’t wait to immerse herself in it.
It was now mid-December. Christmas music played everywhere and stores now had Christmas decorations and trees up. Lara helped her office erect and decorate their own tree. This year they elected to use a musical theme. One of Lara’s co-workers brought a huge Elvis Presley bulb that made everyone laugh.
Lara looked around her apartment and decided that it was time to redecorate. She wasn’t sure if she could have a tree, with her cat. But Meow Meow was pretty docile. She could at least hang some lights over her window or something. Get some Christmas bedding.
She started clearing the clutter off of her desk when someone rang her buzzer. “Yes?” she asked, puzzled because no one ever came to see her.
“It’s Kyle.”
Lara’s heart started racing. How did Kyle find out where she lived? She suspected that Aunt Lynn was behind this. In their last phone conversation, Aunt Lynn had asked about him.
Lara began to panic, smoothing her hair in the mirror and dabbing on some lipstick. Her apartment was a bit disheveled and she had not yet cleaned the cat box. She hoped it didn’t stink. She buzzed Kyle up and then began to throw pillows and blankets around her bed, trying to make it look somewhat made. Her apartment was just a little studio with a bed in the living room, so it would be the first thing he saw. Just as he knocked at her door, she was busy chucking old Chinese cartons in the trash.
With a deep breath and a self-assuring glance in the mirror, Lara opened the door.
It was so hard looking at Kyle. He was just so handsome. Today he looked like he had just come from work because he was wearing a nice suit. He said, “Hello, Lara. I’ve been trying to talk to you for a while but you won’t answer your phone. I understand why, but I realized I had to take a more drastic approach.” He tried to hand her the roses, but she did not take them.
“Did Aunt Lynn give you my address?” Lara demanded.
“No, actually, your receptionist at work did. I stopped by your office but you had left already.”
Lara made a mental note to lecture that new receptionist about common sense safety. What if Kyle had been some stranger off the Internet, looking to murder her? That new receptionist could not seem to get anything right and this was the last straw. “Well…come in. It’s a mess.”
“Lara,” Kyle said as he stepped into the apartment and glanced around briefly, “I wanted to tell you that I am now divorced.”
“Wow…that was fast.”
“I didn’t put up a fight. As soon as she signed the papers, I processed them. I gave her everything. The house, the boat. I didn’t want it to drag into a legal battle because I wanted to get on with my life. With seeing you.”
“Kyle….”
“I gave her everything just so I could see you again, Lara. I knew you wouldn’t see me if I was still attached to her so I wanted to make a clean break.”
“You shouldn’t have done that just for me. It should have been for you as well.” Lara did not know how to feel about this. She was afraid to be happy after what had happened before.
“Trust me, it was for me. I am so much happier. We finalized everything this afternoon and I feel like I am free at last.”
“Well, that’s good. I suppose your mom is not happy?”
“She has no say in my romantic life. If she likes Kayla so much, she can marry her.” Kyle grinned at his joke but Lara did not laugh. His mother’s fondness of Kayla and her blatant dislike of Lara was a sore point for Lara.
“Anyway. I wanted to come to you and ask if you would like to go to dinner with me.” He offered the roses to Lara again.
Lara grew upset. “You just got divorced today and you already want to go out to dinner with another woman? Do you not have respect for anybody?’
Kyle looked crestfallen. “I can understand why you’re upset –“
“Yeah! I’m second choice to everyone! I will not just be your rebound. I want you to love me for me.”
“You don’t understand, Lara. You are my first choice. You have been since high school and I have never stopped loving you.”
“I just find that hard to believe. You are the one who dumped me. And you made no attempt to come back for me after college. You just got married to someone else. It took seeing me again in Texas when you were having problems with Kayla to want me again.”
“Lara, are you serious? Are you really jealous of my ex-wife? I only married Kayla because I thought it was the right thing to do. My mom thought she was the perfect wife for me and
I just wanted to make her happy….”
“But you don’t care so much about what your mom thinks right now.”
“I don’t now, now that I see that my mom’s opinions about my life are not always what’s best for me. But I was younger then. Trust me, I didn’t love Kayla. I still loved you. I never stopped.”
“Then why did you not reach out to me?”
“I did! Last year on LinkedIn.”
Lara rolled her eyes. “While you were married. Which makes me wonder, why did you stalk me on LinkedIn? Are you really that much of a cheater?”
“I never cheated on my ex-wife once.”
“Well, you shouldn’t have been stalking my profile. Are you secretly stalking Michelle Fuentes’s profile too?”
Kyle gaped. “Michelle Fuentes? You’re bringing up an old girlfriend from high school now?”
“That’s all I am, Kyle. An old girlfriend from high school that you dumped to go off to college.”
He shook his head. “Unbelievable. You are still holding onto everything, after you told me that you were over it.”
“I was, until you lied to me about still being married.”
“I was just scared you would run away if you knew,” he responded.
“No, I think you just wanted to have your cake and eat it too. Now I look at all of your actions and I can see that you never loved me. And I won’t be used by another snooty lawyer jerk like you or your buddy Benjamin.”
Kyle dropped the roses onto her end table. “Have a nice night, Lara. Maybe you aren’t the special girl that I thought you were. Maybe you really are clingy and crazy.” He strode out the door.
Lara burst into tears as she violently stuffed the roses into the trash. She hated Kyle, she hated her dad who had never written her back, and she hated herself.
Chapter 13: The Bachelorette Party
Lara’s depression came back worse than ever. She tried to fight through it, but she began to consider going to Sadie’s psychiatrist. Skydiving was not going to fix her deep sense of inadequacy. After Kyle called her crazy and clingy, she began to feel that it was true. Maybe she exuded some crazy vibe that kept others from loving her. Maybe that was why nobody ever called her for a second date or wanted more from her than sex. Her pain was unbearable and she wanted to drown it with some sort of medication. Something that would give her the will to wake up in the mornings.
Love Lost And Found: A Holiday Romance Page 10
