Imperfectly Perfect

by A. E. Woodward

  I stalked out of O'Malley's faster than I ever had before. Not only had the jerk ruined my day and my heart by being a cheating bastard, but I didn't think I could ever really enjoy our place again.

  I opened the door to the street and the fresh air hit me in the face. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and wiped the single tear that lingered on my cheek. I was strong. I could deal with this. God knows, I had had my fair share of cheating assholes. I had already realized that with the closing of one chapter another one would start. Perhaps it would even be a better one. I felt the hands of the guys on my shoulders as I stood there, with my eyes closed, on the sidewalk in front of the bar that had always been my sanctuary.

  "Em..." Shane pleaded.

  "I'm okay." I said, more for my benefit than anyone else's, "now can you guys help me move my shit back home?"

  So there I sat, right back where I started, no closer to finding what I was looking for than I was eight months ago. The living room was a sea of boxes… again. But I had two things to be thankful for; I had three of the best friends a girl could ever ask for, and a beer in my hand. We sat there, sipping in silence; all of us deep within our own thoughts.

  As devastated as I was to find out I had been cheated on once again, I felt calm. I suppose I may have been numb to the process. I remembered what a wreck I had been the last time something like this had happened to me. Was strength something that came with age? Perhaps I was becoming a true believer of 'everything happens for a reason'.

  "Unbelievable," I muttered, standing as I finished my beer. I stalked towards the kitchen to retrieve another. "You were right again Shane."

  "I wish I hadn't been though Em," he called from the futon. "As much as it sucked having you leave us and all, I really did just want you to be happy."

  Tyler and Rob silently nodded in agreement.

  "Well," I paused for a moment trying to make sense of the thoughts swirling through my head. Maybe Rob had been onto something all those months ago; did I really need a relationship to get what I wanted? "Never mind."

  I had just sat down on the futon between Tyler and Rob when I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket. I considered throwing it out the window when I saw it was my mother, but I answered it anyway. She was going to be devastated when I told her the news

  "Hi Mom," I said attempting to sound as peppy as I could.

  "Emma?" she questioned.

  "Yes Mom," I rolled my eyes, "who else would it be?" It never seized to amaze me how flaky she could be.

  "Emma, Liz just had the baby! A beautiful, healthy, bouncing baby girl-Emily Quinn-and she's absolutely gorgeous."

  "Wow Mom. That's great," I spoke stoically as the tears streamed down my face. I'd been doing okay, but this was too much for me to handle. I wasn't strong enough for all of this, especially not all at once. I was happy for my sister, but at the same time I felt worse for myself. I was being selfish, so sue me. "Mom listen, I've got to go but I'll be there as soon as I can okay?"

  Before she could rub any more salt in my wounds, I hung up and threw my head in my hands. "Why can't I just be normal?!" I screamed and threw my phone across the room.

  I could tell Tyler and Rob were clueless as to why I had just taken a plunge off the deep end, but as I looked up, saw Shane's face and I knew he knew.

  "Liz had the baby?" he questioned, and I knew it was more for Rob and Tyler's benefit than his own.

  I nodded.

  "I shouldn't feel like this guys...it's not normal. It can't be. I'm happy for her, truly I am, but I'm more jealous than anything. Jealous of my baby sister; it's pathetic."

  "I'll impregnate you..." Rob chuckled putting his arm around my waist.

  I glared at him in response. Sometimes there were no words to respond to Rob. He always had to take it one step too far, and this was one of those times.

  "I mean if that's what you really want and all," he backtracked.

  I rested my head on his shoulder and giggled. "Funny Rob."

  "No, but seriously Em, if you want to have a baby then have a baby." Rob continued, seemingly more serious this time. "You don't need to go looking for some John Doe to fill a role. You are a strong independent woman, and you have us. We would be there for you, you know that."

  "Rob, I am not going to have sex with you to have a baby!"

  "So just have sex with me for fun!" he offered laughing in spite of himself.

  I reached out to playfully slap him. It took a lot of me to feel uncomfortable, but somehow Rob always found a way to get me there.

  "So, who's going to Maine with me?" I questioned while wiping the tears from my face.

  "Do you really think you're up to traveling Em?" Rob asked.

  "I promised my family, so I don't really have much of a choice." I paused, "besides, I really want to meet my niece. "

  Shane immediately stood, "I'll go with you. I haven't seen Mum since Christmas."

  I was able to find us a flight landing into Maine later that night. We hurriedly packed carry on bags and, a mere three hours later, we were on the plane headed towards Vacationland. We had rode to the airport and boarded in silence. Shane was obviously feeling uneasy due to my current state of mind.

  "So," he eased, "you alright?"

  I paused and thought about how to answer. I realized there was no simple way to describe how I was feeling. But if anybody could understand me it would be Shane, so I just spat it out.

  "Well," I started, "I just found out my boyfriend is a cheating snake. I moved out of the apartment I shared with said boyfriend and, for the final punch to the gut, my baby sister just gave birth to my niece-but instead of feeling joy for her and my family, I feel nothing but insane jealousy-all within 24 hours. So no, forgive me but I am NOT alright."

  Shane shook his head, "I'm so sorry Em."

  "Don't be sorry," I said as calm as possible, "it's not like you did any of it."

  The flight attendants began preparing to hand out snacks. My mouth watered at the thought of peanuts paired with a rum and coke. I watched impatiently as they began serving the people towards the front of the plane.

  "That's not entirely true," he confessed.

  I turned my attention to Shane, momentarily forgetting about snacks.

  "What do you mean?" my voice so abrasive I almost didn't recognize it.

  Shane made eye contact with me briefly, before shifting his gaze back towards his feet. I could tell he was nervous.

  "I might have known that Bradley was cheating on you," he said softly.

  I couldn't think of anything to say. Just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, Shane delivered another blow. I felt the tears return and they began to sting my eyes. The flight attendant placed a napkin on my tray table and asked what I wanted to drink. Unable to speak, I just shook my head. As if she was in shock, she held up the peanuts as if to ask if I wanted them. And for the first time in my entire life, I refused the damn airline peanuts.

  The flight attendant shrugged and continued on to the next row of passengers.

  "Em," Shane pleaded obviously realizing how pissed off I was, "just get the peanuts."

  "I don't want peanuts," I spat, "I want my best friend back."

  "Listen, I'm sorry. I just couldn't be the one to ruin your relationship Emma. I wanted to tell you, but Rob and Tyler convinced me it was a bad idea. Besides, I didn't find out until it was too late. You had already moved out."

  "You've got to be kidding me! They knew too?!" I started to unfasten my seat belt. I was going to request a seat change but before I could get the steward's attention, Shane grabbed my wrist.

  "Em you've got to understand, we were just trying to be there for you. I admit it wasn't the best decision, but what's done is done. We all feel shitty enough about it already."

  I eased myself back into my seat, "I don't know why you guys thought it would be such a bad idea. It could have saved me some heartache."

  "You still would have been heartbroken Em, and you still would ha
ve been pissed at us" he spoke softly as he gazed out the window, "I couldn't prevent that but I just wanted you to be happy."

  I shook my head. It didn't have to make sense to me, but I knew that they had only been looking out for my best interests. As pissed off as I wanted to be, I didn't have the strength to fight. I needed a friend, but more than anything else I needed Shane. I reached over and squeezed his hand. He shifted his gaze from the starlit sky to me and forced a smile.

  "Next time you have some life altering information," I pleaded, "please just be straight with me."

  "Yeah, I'll try that."

  We flew the rest of the way holding hands in silence. I was comforted by his presence. It also helped knowing that my dad was going to pick us up from the airport.

  We landed and quickly scooted off the plane. Since we had only brought carry on luggage we were able to skip baggage claim. Dad was already waiting for us near the entrance. With just one look I could tell he was a changed man. Looking at him glowing I realized I'd never seen him more proud. In that instant the pain in my ovaries increased tenfold; I wanted to be able to make my father as proud as Liz had.

  I ran to him, throwing myself into the safety and love of his arms. We hugged and I found myself fighting tears yet again.

  "Hey beauty," he said as we broke our embrace. "Shane," he said as they firmly shook hands. "Good to see you son."

  "You too sir."

  "So," I said, "let's go see this baby, shall we."

  It took only a matter of minutes to get to the hospital. Liz had insisted on delivering at the city hospital because she didn't trust the doctors near home. To be honest I couldn't really blame her; they lived in the boondocks.

  In the few minutes we spent driving, Dad talked enthusiastically about Liz and the baby. Of course she had had a perfect labor and delivery. In fact, she barely made it to the hospital before Emily was ready to be born.

  "I'll wait out here," Shane said as Dad put the car in park.

  I looked at him and pleaded with my eyes for him to come with me. I couldn't bear to be alone with my family right now, and I especially didn't want my father to know about my fragile state.

  "On second thoughts," he mused, "I'd like to come in if that's all right Mr. Sloan."

  "Of course," Daddy replied, "you're just as much a part of our family as anybody else."

  Whilst Daddy meant what he said, I knew that mother would strongly disagree. She had never approved of my friendship with Shane. She loved Tyler deeply and our mothers were close friends. Tyler and I joked that at times they almost seemed to be the same person; they loved the country club, martinis, and money. But our mothers were also quite snooty and liked to look down their noses at Ms. Strout and her 'misfortune'. I remember Tyler and I had wanted to have a joint graduation party for the three of us and it took us weeks of persuasion to finally get our mothers to involve Shane and Ms. Strout. They weren't happy about it, but they eventually gave in

  We walked in silence for what seemed like forever, before we finally arrived at Liz's room. I entered to see her sat up in her bed, Mason lovingly by her side holding a fuzzy pink bundle. Of course she even looked perfect, not a hair on her head was out of place. Liz was always beautiful, but looking at her then she became radiant. Motherhood looked good on her.

  "Hey there Auntie," she smiled, "come meet your niece."

  I looked to my father. As though he knew I needed a little encouragement, he pushed his hand on the small of my back. I approached my sister, caught my first glimpse of Emily, and that little girl stole my heart instantly. Her tiny blue eyes stared up at me. She was beautiful.

  "I think she looks like you," Liz said. "Do you want to hold her?"

  Unable to speak, I nodded. Even though I knew it would upset me, I wanted nothing more than to hold that baby. Liz gingerly sat up and carefully placed Emily into my arms. I was amazed by how light she felt. I bent down gently kissing her forehead. I looked to Liz and smiled.

  I quietly talked to Emily, gently swaying back and forth. I had seen mothers do this a million times before and it came naturally to me. She opened and closed her eyes as she innocently listened to me blabber nonsense. I knew I had fallen in love with her because I felt at ease with this little person I barely knew; she made me feel like I belonged. I felt true, unrelenting love.

  "She's perfect," I finally choked.

  "Of course she is dear," Mother stated. "She comes honestly by it."

  I had been so wrapped up in the moment that I hadn't even noticed my mother enter the room.

  "Hi Mom," I said, immediately handing Emily back to Liz.

  She passed my dad a cup of coffee and smiled at me.

  "So glad you came darling. And Shane too I see," she acknowledged Shane's presence, but did not speak directly to him.

  "Good to see you too Mrs. Sloan," Shane offered. Mother ignored him since she had already directed her attention back to the baby.

  "Where's Bradley?" she asked. "I was hoping to finally get to meet him."

  "Yeah, about that Mom," I quickly said the only thing I could think of, "I dumped him."

  Liz muttered something under her breath.

  "Oh Emma, what a shame! He sounded perfect for you; such a catch. Why on earth would you do that?" she asked glaring at Shane.

  Clearly mother was back to her old adage. She was convinced that my relationship with the guys prevented any other man from fitting into my life. This went hand in hand with Liz's belief that I pushed men into other women's arms.

  "Yes Mom," I spat, "so perfect he couldn't keep his dick in his pants!"

  Mom and Liz gasped; more than likely at the use of my language, rather than what Bradley had done. I don't think I had never heard one of them mutter a cuss word. It just wasn't in the Perfect Ladies Handbook.

  At that point I was ready to leave. I had fulfilled my promise and fallen in love at the same time. It had been a long day, and I just wanted to be alone.

  "So Dad, can Shane and I take your car home?" I asked quietly.

  "Sure," he said handing the keys to me. "We'll drive Mason's home since he'll be staying here with your sister for the night."

  I kissed him quickly on the cheek and motioned for Shane to beat feet.

  "I'll come see you before I leave tomorrow Liz," I waved and exited the room before anyone had the chance to try and stop me.

  Shane waited until we were in the privacy of the car before he finally spoke.

  "Well I think that went well," he teased.

  We both laughed, the tension of the hospital room melting away. My mother sure knew how to put a dampener on things, especially when it came to me. It seemed to get worse the older she got. Or maybe it was worse the older I got.

  "So what are we going to do with the rest of our evening," I asked as I threw the car into gear.

  Shane grinned sheepishly at me, and I already knew what he was thinking.

  "I like how you operate Mr. Strout," I laughed, "and I can't think of a better way to celebrate the ending of this shitty day."

  We drove for what seemed like an eternity, stopping only for a bathroom break, beers and snacks. We drove past Shane's house, then Tyler's, and even past my own childhood home. We bobbed and weaved through the dirt road lined blueberry barrens. It had been years since we had last graced these roads with our presence and I couldn't help but feel giddy seeing that bright yellow tower in the distance.

  The Water Tower.

  It had been a popular hangout of ours while we were in high school. We would bring our CD players, a case of beer, and just hang out and listen to music. The best part about coming to the water tower was watching the sunrise. It was the unwritten rule that if you were going to spend the time and energy climbing to the top that you had to stay to enjoy the sunrise.

  Shane and I climbed the ladder with ease and situated ourselves at the top.

  "Crap," Shane grumbled, "we don't have any music."

  "You know me better than that," I smiled and held
up my iPhone, "I am never without my music."

  I pulled up a playlist I had recently put together and sat the phone in between us. Cracking open beers we sipped in silence. For hours we sat there, each one of us in our own solitude.

  I appreciated the quiet company, and I felt at ease knowing the greatness of our friendship. Our company was enough. We didn't feel the need to speak and pass the time with mundane conversation. We were just there; for ourselves and for each other.

  I shivered from the chill of the spring Maine air. Shane pulled me close, trying to warm me, and we watched the sun begin to rise and paint the sky various shades of red and orange I knew I had to take control of my life. I knew what I wanted and I wasn't about to let anything stop me.

  My palms were sweating, my heart was pounding, and I couldn't stop smiling. My moment of opportunity had finally arrived. Sitting on the water tower with Emma all night had done nothing but reaffirm my feelings for her.

  I knew Emma needed me, she'd said as much on the plane here. I just hoped that she wasn't alone in those feelings; I needed her too. I was going to tell her, I knew that. I wasn't sure what her reaction would be, but I couldn't let my doubts keep me from living the life I wanted.

  Having her wrapped up in my arms just felt so right and I knew I couldn't live another day like I had been. I couldn't take the limbo of being her friend while being in love with her anymore. I could sense her mind reeling. She'd been through a lot recently and I could only hope that she was possibly thinking about me.

  I decided to grab the bull by the horns and open my door of opportunity. "Penny for your thoughts," I mused.

  "I'm going to do In Vitro," I muttered, not fully realizing I had spoken.

  "What?" Shane looked at me confused.

  "I want a baby," I started, "that's clear after seeing the miracle my sister created, and I don't need a man to do it. Your mother raised you on her own, and she did a damn good job because you're one of the most sincere and nicest men I know," I could sense Shane's apprehension as he dropped his arms from my shoulders. "Besides," I continued, "there are a lot of single women opting to have children on their own nowadays."