“I know you want to go to Harvard or some other fancy college, but it’s just too far Heaven. I mean, you should be happy that I’m letting you go to college at all, that shows how much I love you. I know the stuff that goes on at those schools, sex, partying, drinking, man I don’t even know how I’m going to deal with it.” Heaven thought of how he wouldn’t have to deal with it. She was leaving and he wouldn’t know where she was, he would never see her again.
“Heaven, I want to make love to you.” She felt her stomach turn as he continued. “I want to feel you with nothing between us, and I don’t want to pull it out either. I want you to feel me too.” Khalil wanted to get Heaven pregnant, but little did he know, Heaven had been on birth control pills since she was 15. That was one thing and probably the only thing her mother had ever done for her. She remained silent as he climbed on top of her and spit on his hand, and then rubbed her in between her legs.
“What’s wrong baby, you cold?” Heaven was shaking like a tree branch in a windstorm. She didn’t respond as he entered her painfully and began pumping away. She felt horrible. Being with Khalil for so long she had developed so many different emotions for him. Having her since she was thirteen and caring for her, she developed the type of emotion she should have had for her father. That is why she found herself longing to please him and often feeling like she owed him more than she did. The unwanted sex and the beatings caused resentment towards him, while the long nights of him being the only person she could talk to caused a certain bond. She was certain that she detested him and was sure she did not want to be with him, but at the same time she couldn’t help but to feel deceitful as if she was committing some type of betrayal against the man that saved her from what could have been an even harder life. Bottom line, Heaven was coming into her age. She was emotional and she was confused.
Tears streamed down her face as she prayed that he would cum already. She moved her hips around and moaned so he could become more excited. The trick worked, exactly one minute later, Khalil’s semen erupted throughout Heaven’s young body and he was dozed off snoring.
Heaven held back tears as she closed her eyes and pressed her thighs together, trying to ease the pain that she felt, both physically and emotionally. Only six months to go of dealing with this bullshit, but would she last that long?
For some reason, the next morning Khalil wanted to take Heaven home. Heaven thought that since she’d be home from school today, she would actually be able to relax and get some much needed rest, but now that was out of the question. She could never rest at her house, there was always something going on. She wondered what Khalil usually did while she was at school that made him not want her around today.
As they pulled up to her street, she noticed how many people looking to be her age, decorated the neighborhood blocks this Monday morning. It shocked her and saddened her at the same time. Young people, trapped in a world of misguidance and too young to realize that the mistakes they were making now would haunt them for the rest of their lives. They were stuck, with no hope, no inspiration, and no direction.
She slid out of Khalil’s truck and waved goodbye to him as he promised to be back around five to pick her up. As she walked down the pathway and headed to her door a few neighborhood hustlers tried to get her attention. She completely ignored them.
Finally reaching her door, and fumbling with her keys accompanied by different unique key chains, she could hear music blasting from inside. She knew that meant her mother was home. Heaven walked into the apartment, hating how no matter how bright it was outside, her mother and father kept all of the blinds shut and windows closed. Maybe that was one of the reasons that leaving the cramped apartment always left her with a feeling of a sweet escape. As soon as she lifted her head, she took in a sight that disgusted her and angered her all at once. Her mother was simultaneously riding some fat man’s dick and smoking her dope. Heaven shut her eyes and turned her back.
The man, obviously surprised let out an exasperated ‘who the fuck is that?’, while her mother didn’t reply, she just continued about her business. Heaven took off for her bedroom and slammed the door behind her, and then she walked to her window and opened her blinds. She plopped down on her twin size bed and covered her face with her hands, trying to fall asleep to make five o clock come as quickly as possible. Seconds later, her bedroom door was creaking open and her father walked in grinning.
“Heaven-sent, what you doing home baby? No school today?”
“I got suspended,” she answered blandly. He closed the door behind him and took a seat next to her. He smelled of alcohol and his once attractive features were diminishing fast. The infamous Pretty Boy Sam was moving farther and farther away from the pretty boy in his title. He got up off the bed and walked over to the window to close the blinds and let down the dark dirty curtain. Heaven had a quick flashback of the first time he did that when she was twelve years old. He let down that dark dirty curtain and undressed in that very spot. The memory made her cringe.
“Why are you putting that down, I like the light,” she said nervously. He stared at her forebodingly.
“Nobody out there needs to know what goes on in this house.” Heaven thought to herself of the irony that so many people already knew what went on in their house. Her father walked over to her bed and lay down next to her. Heaven’s mind raced.
In the four years that she had been with Khalil, her father had not had sex with her. Sure he fondled her often and rubbed up against her, sometimes he’d even slip his hand under her shirt or something, but no sex. He turned to face her and ran his hand up and down her leg.
“Daddy, no please.” He ignored her requests and continued to sensually touch her while whispering “How did I ever make something so fine?” At first Heaven contemplated just letting him continue. She figured the faster he’d get it over with, the faster she could be left alone. It hurt her unbelievably that her father was attracted to her, and it hurt her even more that she wouldn’t do anything about it. She felt responsible but she didn’t realize the psychological damage that had already occurred in her. To Heaven, her father touching on her like this was as normal as a daily hug a girl gets from her daddy. It excited him that she pushed his hands away and begged him to stop; he took it as some kind of challenge.
The next thing Heaven knew, he was pinning her arms back hard and using his body weight to hold her down.
“Daddy, stop. Please, stop!” She urged, becoming louder, squirming beneath him. He smiled down at her beautiful face as tears streamed down her cheeks. He leaned over and licked her tears then kissed her deeply on her mouth. Heaven moved her head around violently trying to fight his kiss, but he was too strong. He ripped open her shirt and pulled her breasts out of her bra with one hand, while holding her wrists with another. Then he began trying to unzip her jeans while slobbing on her as Heaven squirmed underneath him. Her bedroom door flung open.
“You little fucking slut! Get up, get up!” Her mother screamed. Sam looked up at Jhenelle who wore panties and an old dingy t-shirt.
“C’mon baby calm down. Me and Heaven just playing around that’s all, you getting yaself all worked up,” he pimp talked her. Jhenelle stormed over to the bed as Sam got up. Heaven sat up still crying, sort of thankful that her mother interrupted them.
“Playing around my ass! This little slut was trying to fuck you! You trying to fuck my man… my own flesh and blood!” Heaven looked up at her mother, who looked like a mad woman, and she was confused, shaking her head in disbelief. She wondered how her own mother could turn against her when she clearly saw Sam had her pinned down and she could also see how upset Heaven was. Her thoughts were broken up by a raging Jhenelle who pounced on her and began attacking her brutally. Heaven, although devastated and even a little pissed, refused to fight her mother the way she had fought Shaniqua. For some strange reason, Heaven felt guilty, and even apologized to her mother between hits. Most of the blows by Jhenelle were blocked, but Jhenelle was on a rampage.
It took a while before Sam could pull her off of Heaven.
“That’s your daughter, cut it out,” he scolded her. Heaven, who was now crying hysterically, began to lose control herself.
“I’m your daughter!” She screamed at her father. She got in his face and began screaming uncontrollably, to the point that even Jhenelle was frozen and speechless. “Do you hear me daddy? I’m your daughter! I’m your fucking daughter!” Sam stared at Heaven embarrassed and ashamed for a minute, but only for a minute. Heaven grabbed her purse and stormed out of her bedroom and out of the apartment. She didn’t care if she roamed the streets all day; she was not spending another second in that house.
She hurried down the walkway and down the street, trying to get as far away from her reality as possible.
“Where am I going?” She asked to no one. She walked to downtown Plainfield and looked through some stores, and then she stopped and tried to eat a slice of pizza. She went to the park and sat on the bench, trying to clear her mind and finally she ended up at the library where she scolded herself for not going in the first place. She read up on different people that interested her such as Omali Yeshitela of the Civil Rights era and Khalid Abdul Muhammad and Malik Zulu Shabazz of the New Black Panther Party. She dozed off while reading, and was awakened by a rude Liberian, only to find that it was near the time to start heading back to her house for Khalil to pick her up. As she made her way onto the block, she saw Khalil pulling up and made her way to the truck.
“Where you coming from?” He demanded, rather than asked, as she climbed into the passenger seat.
“The library, I couldn’t stay in that house.”
Khalil knew all about Heaven’s parents and the type of things that went on in their home, so he didn’t give it a second thought, he just changed the subject.
“I want spaghetti tonight.” Heaven stared out of the window after clicking her seatbelt and saw her mother fast approaching the car.
“Khalil, please just drive.” Before he could turn to her and jump down her throat for brushing him off, Jhenelle was banging on Heaven’s passenger window hard with her palms. She had on no shoes and she looked crazy.
“Get the fuck out the car you bitch! I’m gonna kick yo nasty ass!” Khalil looked, mouth open, wondering what the hell was going on. Heaven couldn’t hold back anymore, the tears began to form in her eyes. Khalil jumped out of the truck as Heaven protested. He rushed up to Jhenelle, pushing her away from his truck.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” She didn’t back down to him, she got right in his face screaming.
“Your little girlfriend is a fucking whore! She tried to fuck my man! I always knew, I always knew about her, I did everything for her!” Then she turned toward the truck and tried to pull the handle but Heaven had locked the door. “You hear me bitch! I did everything for you!” Heaven shook her head, crying, as she stared at her mother not believing how she was reacting to this situation. It made her feel even worse about everything. Heaven always figured her mother knew what her father was doing, and she figured if it were a slight possibility that her mother didn’t know, if she ever found out, she would be angry with Sam.
Jhenelle continued to scream and attack the car as Khalil continued to push her away. Heaven just sobbed to the point that her chest burned.
“Mommy,” she whimpered. Jhenelle didn’t hear her but she read her lips.
“Don’t mommy me bitch… I don’t have a daughter! I am dead to you! You hear me, dead! Don’t you ever bring yo nasty ass back here!” Heaven laid her head in her hands and bawled hard. Although her mother was a junkie and didn’t show her much love, she was her mother, and Heaven loved her very much. She loved her more than she loved anybody, including herself and somehow she felt responsible for the pain her mother was feeling. She blamed herself for her father sexing her. I shouldn’t have dressed like a girl around him. I should’ve told someone if I really didn’t like it. Did I want it like daddy said? Am I a nasty girl?
“Mommy please! Mommy!” Heaven screamed louder, sounding more and more like a little girl. She screamed out for her mother desperately the same way she had the first time her father raped her. Her mother wasn’t around then, but she was now, and she just didn’t care. Khalil finally pushed Jhenelle hard, causing her to fall on the ground between two parked cars. People from around the way laughed at her as Heaven cried harder.
“Mommy!” Heaven jumped out of the car to try to help her mother up and explain herself. She didn’t want her mother out of her life forever. Jhenelle pounced on Heaven’s ankles while she was still on the ground and scratched and hit at her. Everyone watched as Heaven’s mother attacked her thinking the same thing, that’s a fucked up family.
Khalil grabbed Heaven, who was crying so hard that she was dry heaving, and he put her back in the truck. Then he walked back around to the driver’s side ready to leave this crazy scene. As he drove off, almost hitting an enraged Jhenelle who had jumped in front of the car, he slapped Heaven hard sending her flying into the window. It seemed to Heaven that she didn’t even feel it, the pain from losing her mother was hurting her more than anything. One more person learning her secret and telling her how disgusting she was for it.
“What the fuck is she talking about Heaven, huh? What the fuck did you do…did you fuck Sam?” Heaven looked at him unbelievably but couldn’t speak. Finally she caught her breath and screamed out, “He tried to rape me! Khalil, I swear I didn’t want to!” Khalil realized that she was telling the truth and his blood began to boil. Without saying a word, he made a sharp u-turn in the middle of the road almost causing an accident as he headed back toward the projects. Heaven tried to ask what he was doing but she couldn’t speak anymore, her head was spinning and she felt like she was about to pass out.
Khalil once again jumped out of the truck leaving it double parked in the street and ran down the walkway toward her building. Heaven, weak, but conscious that whatever was about to occur in her parents’ apartment was not going to be good, climbed down out of the truck and ran after him. By the time she made it to her apartment, the door was open and Khalil and Sam were tussling in the living room. Heaven looked on screaming for them to stop but not wanting to get in between them. Suddenly she felt her hair being pulled and a sharp pain in her head as she was being hit with a closed fist by her mother.
“Mommy, stop! Please, stop!” This time Heaven tried to fight back, but it was more so to get her mother off of her. She punched back and screamed and finally her mother stopped abruptly and started walking away toward her bedroom. Heaven, breathing heavily, swallowed hard and followed her mother, all the while begging her mother to let her explain.
“Mommy, I wanted to tell you for so long… you have to believe me. I didn’t want to hurt you, I was only a little girl.” Heaven spoke irrationally and almost inaudibly. Her thoughts were going too fast and she didn’t know exactly what to say to her mother. Finally, her mother responded.
“Heaven baby, you’re not a little girl anymore. You’re a woman now, and all of that little girl shit aint gonna work with me.” They were in her mother’s bedroom and Jhenelle still kept her back toward Heaven as she shuffled through her dresser drawer, still keeping her voice very calm. “Heaven, I gave my everything to you and that man. I brought you in this world.” Heaven bowed her head and sobbed some more as she begged her mother to just turn around and look at her. Jhenelle turned around and continued talking in her eerie calmness. “I guess I’m gonna have to take you out, huh?” Heaven looked up confused at the hurt and pain in her mother’s face and then noticed the barrel of a .22 facing her. Heaven took a deep breath and before she could murmur ‘mommy’ one more time, in one more desperate attempt, she felt a small fire inside of her and then the lights went out.
…Malice in Wonderland…
“That’s a girl…that’s a good girl. C’mon Heaven. That’s right, you’ve got too much life left to live, don’t you? C’mon baby. C’mon sweetie. You can do it.” Heaven
could hear a soothing voice calling to her, but it was like she was in a deep sleep and wanted to wake up, but she couldn’t move.
“C’mon pretty girl, that’s a girl. C’mon Angel.” Heaven tried and tried to move. If I can just open my eyes, I can let her know that I’m here. But who is she? She tried a little harder, but still nothing.
“C’mon Heaven, you’re a strong girl. You can do it baby.” Heaven smiled on the inside at the voice, it was so filled with love. Finally, she opened her eyes and took in a wave of brightness.
Immediately she was confused by the bright lights above her and the empty room. No, it wasn’t empty, there was a woman next to her, a woman she had never seen before, and she was smiling.
“Hi Heaven, I’m so glad you’re back.” Heaven looked at her puzzled and didn’t answer. The lady continued. “You were out for a little while there.” Heaven tried to talk but her mouth was dry. The woman handed her a cup of water that she devoured.
As she drank the water, she began to remember the episode with her mother. Oh my god, my mother shot me! Why am I not dead? Did she miss? Am I paralyzed?
The nurse could see Heaven examining her body frantically and explained to her before she panicked.
“It’s okay Heaven. You were shot once with a small gun, a .22, next to your left breast below your underarm. The bullet was small; we were able to pull it out. The scar is tiny and it should be healed up soon, everything will be fine sweetie. We think you just passed out from a mixture of shock and pain. So far, your condition seems to be stable.” It took a minute for Heaven to take everything in, and another to wonder where everyone was. Then she realized her father would never be there anyway, her mother hated her, and she had no friends…but where was Khalil?
Heaven's Hell Page 9
