by J. S. Cooper
“She’s your mom, Rhett.” Her voice was soft as she touched my arm lightly.
“So?”
“You’ll regret it if you never see her.”
“I don’t agree.” I turned the radio up and stared at the road in front of me. I wasn’t sure why I’d agreed to come to Beaufort to see my mom. I hadn’t even know she’d lived so close. I didn’t even know how Clementine knew. I didn’t care. I didn’t want to care. I was so annoyed that she had talked me into coming. I knew I had only agreed because I was still feeling high from my orgasm. Only thing was, I didn’t want to think about the orgasm either. I didn’t want to think about touching Clementine. I was ashamed that I’d touched her and enjoyed it, knowing I could never give her what she wanted.
“Rhett.” She reached over and turned the volume down. “You can’t ignore her for the rest of your life.”
“She’s never contacted me.” I spat out bitterly. “Not once since she left. No cards. No presents. No visits. No nothing. Why should I care about her?”
“Maybe she had her reasons.”
“Maybe she did. I don’t care.” I sighed and reached to turn the volume back up, but Clementine grabbed my hand and stopped me. Her fingers felt warm on me and I cringed and pulled my hand away. I didn’t want her touching me, trying to make me think things I didn’t want to think.
“I’m sorry.” Her voice sounded hurt and I just kept my eyes forward. “You can turn the radio back up if you want to.”
“It’s fine. We can keep it off.” I shrugged and swallowed. “You’re going to have to give me directions in a bit. I have no idea where we’re going.”
“I put it in the GPS on my phone.” She sighed. “Let me check.”
“Fine.” I mumbled.
“Okay, when we exit, we need to take the first right.”
“Fine.” I ignored the sudden lurch in my stomach as I realized that I was close to seeing my mom again. What would she look like? Would she recognize me? Would she cry or try to hug me? I shuddered as I thought about her touching me. I’d step away. I wouldn’t want her to touch me. Not at all. “My dad would be surprised to know I was going.” I laughed bitterly.
“He should have handled everything differently.” She spoke softly. “He cheated on her and then kicked her out. He knew she had a problem with alcohol. He could have handled things differently.”
“So it’s his fault that my mom is a drunk.”
“She’s not a drunk anymore.” She sighed.
“So now you’re on her side.”
“I’m not on her side. I just understand how devastating it must have been for her to find out her husband had been cheating on her.”
“It happens.” I rolled my eyes. “Everyone who gets cheated on doesn’t turn to alcohol or drugs.”
“Heartbreak is a hard thing for some people to deal with.”
“Sex is sex. It has nothing to do with love.”
“Some people only have sex with people they love.”
“That’s what they tell themselves so they don’t feel guilty. People have sex because it feels good. They want to have an orgasm. They want to fly high for a couple of minutes.”
“Sex means more than that, Rhett.” Her voice was soft and I could tell she was feeling annoyed.
“Sex is sticking a dick in a vagina.” I said bluntly. “And whatever lesbians and gays do.”
“Rhett.” She sighed.
“Don’t tell me, you need me to tell you what they do?”
“No. I don’t.” Her words were abrupt and I knew she was getting angry.
“Just don’t get it twisted, Clementine. Sex doesn’t equal love. Shit, half the guys I know at school would fuck any girl that would have them.”
“Thanks.” She muttered.
“Don’t act like you’re surprised.” I sighed. “And don’t act pissed. I didn’t fuck you because I know you need it to be all special and shit.”
“You had oral sex with me.” She said stiffly and I felt myself growing warm at the memory of her supple body beneath mine.
“I eat pussy good. Don’t I?”
“You’re a pig.” She gasped.
“I’m just being honest.”
“I know it didn’t mean much to you, Rhett, but it meant something to me.” Her voice broke and my heart stopped for a second.
“I’m sorry.” I gave her a quick look and reached out and touched her shoulder. “It meant something to me as well. Ignore me. I’m being a jerk.”
“It would hurt me if I found out you’d been with anyone else.” She sighed. “Not before obviously, but now.”
“What do you mean?” The words coming out of my mouth sounded distant to my ears.
“I mean, if you went and slept with a girl tomorrow, it would hurt me.”
“I’m not going to be sleeping with a girl tomorrow.” I gave her a quick smile. “Unless it’s you.”
“This is difficult.” She sighed and nibbled on her lower lip. “Take the next left by the way.”
“Okay.” I got into the left hand lane and turned on my indicator. “What is difficult?”
“How do we navigate this?” She sighed and I could see her staring at me.
“Navigate what?” I could feel my face growing hot. She wasn’t turning into that girl already, was she?
“I know you don’t do relationships.” She said softly. “I don’t expect you to change for me. I just don’t know what we do next? Do we continue to mess around and stay friends? Do we hook up and see what happens?”
“What do you mean and stay friends?” I pulled off to the side of the road and turned off the ignition and turned to face her. “We’re staying friends, period. There is no option where we don’t stay friends. Do you understand that?”
“I do.” She nodded and looked at me with wide eyes. I could see the fear in her brown eyes. She was already having doubts about what we’d done. I couldn’t say I blamed her. I wouldn’t have wanted her to hook up with someone like me.
“Let’s just see what happens.” I shrugged and grabbed her hands. “Not much has to change. We’ll just do what we always did, but when we sleep over now, we don’t have to wear any clothes.” I grinned at her and she gave me a small smile.
“You think it’s going to be that easy.” She licked her lips quickly and I couldn’t stop myself from moving forward and kissing her. Her eyes widened as my tongue slipped into her mouth and my lips sucked on her tongue. I pulled back after a few minutes and nodded.
“It will be that easy.” I grinned. “I have no problem sleeping naked with you.”
“What about…” She mumbled and paused.
“What about what?” I frowned and tilted my head.
“What about sex?” She looked down and blushed.
“We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.” I grabbed her chin and brought up her face to look at me. “We’ll go at your pace.”
“Why do I think you don’t normally say that?” She smiled at me and I laughed.
“Maybe because I don’t.” I ran my hands through my hair and sighed. “I don’t want anything to change between us, Clementine. I just want this to be another perk of our friendship.”
“I see.” She nodded slightly.
“Friends with benefits if you will.” I nodded, pleased at the conversation. “Or rather, best friends with benefits.”
“You’re not going to mess around with anyone else are you?” She frowned and I felt myself starting to feel sick again. I wasn’t sure why she wanted to have this conversation right now, but I couldn’t just walk away and ignore her.
“I’m not going to hook up with anyone else.”
“Good.” She smiled. “It makes me feel better knowing you haven’t been with anyone in a while as well. I know that sounds cheesy, but it helps that I don’t feel like sloppy seconds.”
“You could never be sloppy seconds.” I ran my finger down her cheek and sighed inwardly. I felt like I should tell her about Penelope, but I wasn’t sure
how she would react. It was before we had hooked up, but not very much before. And Penelope was her friend. I didn’t feel like she would appreciate the fact that we’d nearly had sex.
“I’m glad you’re not going all crazy and into Rhett panic mode.” She smiled and leaned forward and stroked the hair by my ears. Her eyes were warm and she looked happy and content. “I know this is new for both of us, but I really think that this could be good for both of us.”
“Let’s not talk about it anymore.” I leaned forward and kissed her again. “I’d rather be doing something else.” I reached down and cupped her breast and smiled as she squirmed against me.
“Rhett.” She groaned against my lips as I pinched her nipple.
“Yes, Clementine.” I licked her lips as my fingers moved to her other breast.
“I want to get out of this car.” She moaned as she tried to move in the seat.
“We can go back home.” I nibbled on her lower lip. “I can turn around now.”
“No.” She moaned and pulled back, her eyes filled with lust. “No, we’re going to go and see your mom.”
“Fine.” I sighed and pulled away. “Your loss.”
“Maybe later.” She bit her lower lip and looked away.
“Maybe later, what?” I froze and looked at her. I could see her face burning red and my cock hardened as I stared at her hard nipples.
“Maybe we can move to the next level.” She turned towards me and smiled shyly.
“Next level?” My eyes narrowed as I looked at her. “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”
“Maybe.” She smiled and nodded slightly. “But we have to go to a hotel. I don’t want to do it in your house.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t want to do it somewhere you’ve done it with someone else.”
“Oh.” I tried not to roll my eyes. “None of those girls meant anything to me.”
“I know.” She looked away from me, her face growing red. “I just don’t want to be another notch.”
“You could never be another notch.” I frowned and shifted. My entire body was buzzing with anticipation. I wasn’t sure this was a good idea, but I knew I couldn’t say no to her.
“I’m glad to hear that.” She said softly and reached over and ran her fingers down the bulge in my pants. “It feels like you’re excited as well.” She giggled as I grabbed her hand and made her squeeze my cock.
“I’m hard as hell.” I winked at her. “And yes you did that.” I felt her squeezing me again and groaned as she moved her hand away. “Let’s get this reunion over and done with. I’m ready to go and find a Marriott.”
“You don’t even want to see your mom, do you?” She looked at me with a sad look in her eyes and I shook my head. At the end of the day, Clementine knew me better than I knew myself and I wasn’t going to lie and pretend that I thought this was going to be some life-changing moment.
“Let’s get it over with.” I started the engine again and pulled back onto the road. My thoughts drifted away from Clemmie and back to my childhood. I could remember the day that I came back from school and realized something was different. I’d been young enough to not really understand what was going on right away, but old enough to feel the full extent of loss and loneliness. My father hadn’t been of any help. All he’d said was that my mother had left us for alcohol. It didn’t seem to affect him at all. Every night I’d waited for my mom to come home or to call me, but she didn’t. I hadn’t understood what had happened until I hit my teen years. And then my heart was already pretty empty and jaded. Love didn’t exist to me, asides from Clementine and her family. They’d taken me in, when no-one else had cared. They were like angels in my life and if it wasn’t for them, I’m not sure what road I would have gone down. Clementine was the balance in my life. She was so loving, so caring, so open, so honest and genuine about everything. She’d been quiet when I needed silence, talked when I needed noise and filled the empty space in my life that had taken over. I didn’t want to see my mom. I didn’t want to acknowledge that there was still an empty space there. I didn’t want to understand or forgive. I just wanted to forget.
“It’ll be okay, Rhett.”
“We’ll see.” I sighed.
“I’ll be with you.” She touched my arm. “I promise, it’ll be okay.”
I didn’t cringe at her touch this time. I welcomed the fact that she was here. As my friend. I didn’t want to think about all the other stuff. It was almost too much. Too close to home. Too scary. I didn’t want to acknowledge how being with Clementine intimately had made me feel. It had shown me a side I hadn’t thought existed. A side that let pain in, that let fear in. I didn’t want to let those emotions in. I didn’t want to love her as anything more than a friend. Everything in my life was changing too fast. I was on the roundabout of life and I just wanted it to stop. I wanted to reverse time and go back to six months ago. I wanted to go back to the time when Clementine was busy studying. I was busy working and we both made time to hang out and just be. “But then you never would have tasted her.” A little voice whispered in my ear. It was true that while a part of me was scared of all the changes in my life, another part of me craved the change. Another part of me was ready to see what else life had to offer.
***
We pulled up to a small-dilapidated house and I turned to Clementine with a frown.
“You sure this is the right address?”
“I’m sure.” She nodded.
“Hmm.” I sat in the car for a few more seconds and then got out of the door slowly and looked around. The roof was missing shingles and looked like it was in serious need of being replaced. The front of the house had peeling white paint and the yard as overgrown. This wasn’t where I expected my mother to be living. I wasn’t sure why she would have left my father and his mansion in Charleston to come and live in a dump in Beaufort, alcohol or not. My father had led me to believe that she’d cared more about alcohol and his spousal payments than me. My dad was rich, really rich and I couldn’t imagine that she could have spent all the money he gave her on alcohol? It didn’t make sense.
“Are you ready?” Clementine walked up to me and gave me a hopeful smile. “It’s going to be fine.”
“We’ll see.” I sighed, all of a sudden feeling apprehensive. “I don’t know about this Clemmie.” I was about to walk back to the truck, when we heard the front door open and a big black Labrador came running out and over to us.
“Jimbo.” A voice called out and I froze. I recognized her voice right away. It hadn’t changed one iota. It was my mom.
“Hey boy.” I stroked the dog’s face as he licked my hand eagerly. I didn’t want to look up and see my mother. I didn’t want to acknowledge that she was here.
“Clementine?” My mom spoke again. “Rhett, Rhett honey, is that you?” Her voice rose as she came closer and I kept my face down.
“Hi, Mrs. Madison.” Clementine’s voice was sweet and I wanted to tell her to stop being so nice.
“Rhett.” My mom spoke again and finally I looked up. I turned to my mother and I felt the whole world go still around me. Everything seemed to freeze as I stared at her. I felt as if I had been transported to another planet and the only two people that existed were me and her. She still looked the same. Her face beautiful, and her eyes bright and blue. She had a small smile on her face and I stared at her wondering how she could smile at me as if everything were okay. As if, she hadn’t been out of my life for more years than she had been in it.
“Rhett,” She said again and her eyes widened in joy, the smile on her face more beautiful than a few minutes ago. “You’re so handsome.”
Still I stayed silent. The colors in the world still more vivid than before. The sounds still more distant. I couldn’t stop myself from looking at her. She walked towards me and my heart stopped as she reached up and ran her hand down my face. “My beautiful son.”
I wanted to ask her how she knew it was me. I wanted to ask her why she
left me. I wanted to ask her if she loved me, but I couldn’t speak. Seeing her close up also showed me more of her imperfections. Her eyes weren’t as blue, they were bloodshot and fuzzy. Her face was marred by lines. I wasn’t sure if they were caused by stress or hard living. Her lips were cracked and shivering. Her hair, once so blonde and beautiful was graying and thinning. My beautiful mother was no longer as beautiful as she had been, yet, she seemed more real.
“I’ve been hoping for this day.” She said, her eyes searching mine for a response.
“Really?” My words sounded bitter and full of disbelief.
“You sound like a man.” She smiled again, this time her confidence was noticeably wavering.
“As opposed to the little boy you left behind?” I stared back at her with a straight face.
“It wasn’t easy.” I looked down and noticed her hands were trembling.
“Sure.” I looked away then, somehow able to break her gaze. My eyes caught those of Clementine’s. She was staring at me with an expression full of love and hope. She wanted this to go well. She wanted me to get my happy ever after with my mother. I could read it in her eyes. I could hear it in her brain. It was all she’d ever wanted for me. I wanted to walk away and never look back again, but I knew that Clementine wanted me to give my mother a chance. “So where have you been?” I turned back to my mother and asked her a question. Even though I was no longer looking at Clemmie, I knew that she was smiling, happy I was making an effort.
“I kinda lost it when your dad cheated.” My mom’s face looked like a little kid. “I went to a house…” Her voice trailed off.
“To drink?”
“Among other things.” She nodded, her eyes wide. “But I got sober.”
“You’re sober?”
“I went to AA. And a man friend of mine, he paid for rehab.” She touched her lips and then licked them furtively. “He wanted me clean.”
“A boyfriend?”
“No, he wasn’t a boyfriend.” She shook her head and her eyes widened again. “So I went to rehab. They got me off the coke.” She nodded and smiled at me again, as if waiting for praise.
“That’s good.” I bit my lower lip and tried to remain calm, but I was starting to feel sick inside.
