by J. S. Cooper
“I haven’t taken any drugs in a long time.”
“That’s really good, Mrs. Madison.” Clementine walked over to us and gave me a smile. “That shows you’ve really been trying.”
“I wanted to see you.” My mom looked at me and I could see a glimmer of some unknown emotion in her expression. “You were always my little boy. You loved me so much.”
“Most sons love their moms.”
“My blue eyed boy.” She gazed at me and patted my hair. “I thought once I had my blue eyed boy, my life would be perfect.” She paused and sighed. “It didn’t stop your dad from straying though.”
“You should have left him.”
“I just wanted him to love me.” She looked at Clementine then. “You know how it is. You just want them to love you. To see how perfect you are. To know that there is no one for them but you. But they just don’t see it. They’ll never see it. Don’t waste your time like I did. Don’t be a fool.”
“What are you talking about?” My voice was high and angry as I spoke to my mom. “Don’t try and project your life onto Clementine’s. Clementine is not a drunk.”
“It’s okay, Rhett.” Clementine touched my arm and shook her head.
“It’s not okay.” I said angrily, a volcano bubbling in my stomach as I looked back at my mom.
“You’re mad at me.” My mom’s eyes narrowed and I saw her lips trembling. “Don’t be mad at me, Rhett. I didn’t mean to…” She paused and took a big gulp. “I always loved my blue eyed boy.”
“Really? From what I can see you only loved dad.”
“Does he ever talk about me?” She asked hopefully.
“No.” I said it emphatically. “No.” I said it again, wanting the rejection to sting her as her leaving me had stung me.
“At least I have you.” She reached out and touched my arm. “You came to see your old momma.”
“What happened to you?” This time my words were as sincere as the pain in my heart.
“Do you really want to know?” Her eyes focused then and she looked lucid. “It’s not a nice story.”
“I want to know.” I nodded.
“Do you have any money?” She asked softly and then looked at Clementine. “It’s just I ran out and I really need a bottle of…” She stopped and played with her fingers. “It will help me tell the story.” I felt Clementine tense up next to me. I knew, just as she knew, that my mother wasn’t clean, not at all. I didn’t even respond then. I walked straight to my car and got into the driver’s side and started the engine. I put the car into reverse and was ready to leave, with or without Clementine. I heard her tapping on the window as I stopped and I waited for her to get into the car and then pulled off again. We drove in silence for about five minutes and then she spoke.
“I’m sorry.” She whispered. “I didn’t know.”
“You weren’t to know.” I didn’t look at her. I didn’t care. I didn’t care. I didn’t care. The pounding of my heart felt like the constant downpour of rain against a bedroom window. Pitter, patter, pitter, patter, pitter, patter. It was continuous and non-stopping and I didn’t mind because it stopped me from thinking too hard.
“I thought it would help you.” She sighed and I heard her voice catch. “I wanted you to get answers. I wanted you to understand why…” She stopped. “Love isn’t always a bad thing.”
“It’s isn’t always a good thing, either.” I grimaced. “Love means seeing what you can get from someone. It’s never about doing what you can for the other person just because, it’s always about doing something for the other person and hope you repay them for whatever you did.”
“It’s not always…” She began and I cut her off.
“It’s about loving someone so much that you hope they repay you with gifts or money, or even more love back. When people say love is selfless, it’s a crock of shit. People love because it makes them feel good because they get something from it. People who don’t believe in love are more honest. They are letting you know straight up. I want this or I want that. No bullshitting. No, I love you, so please give me your virginity. Or I love you, lend me $10,000. Or, better yet, I love you so take care of me now I’m sick. Take care of me now I’m an alcoholic or a cheater or a fucking bitch.” My voice rose as I shouted. “I don’t say I love you because I don’t mean it. When I tell someone, I want something, it’s true and it’s valid and it’s not because I want anything other than what I want.”
“Love doesn’t have to be like that.” Her voice was small. “It can be selfless. People can love and keep it inside without ever wanting anything other than seeing the other person happy.”
“Stupid.” I laughed. “Those people are stupid. What’s the point? Maybe because they feel like martyr’s? What’s the point of loving someone who can’t give two shits about you? Waste of time if you ask me.”
“Your mom does love you, you know.” Clementine touched my shoulder. “She didn’t leave you because she didn’t love you.”
“Yeah, she left because she loved me so much. That’s why she never even called as well.” My voice was sarcastic. “So much love for her blue-eyed boy.”
“I think she’d been drinking.” She sighed.
“Never.” I rolled my eyes.
“I’m sorry.” Her voice broke. “This wasn’t what I wanted.”
“I know.” I gave her a quick look. “But maybe this is a lesson Clementine. We very rarely get what we want in life, so maybe it’s best not to go chasing rainbows and butterflies. Maybe it’s best to live the life we’re dealt and just deal with it.”
“Do you remember when we first met?” Clementine changed the subject.
“Vaguely?” I shrugged. “Why?”
“You wanted to get those candies so badly.” She smiled. “Every day the teacher would do a little quiz and every day, you tried so hard because you wanted them so badly.”
“I didn’t get them though.” I laughed. “There was someone who was just a little brighter than me.”
“You did get them though.” She laughed. “You befriended me and so you got them through me.”
“That’s true.” I nodded. “I guess I got them in a roundabout way. Poor you. All those smarts and yet you still got your candy taken.”
“But that’s the thing.” I could hear the smile in her voice. “All I wanted was to be friends with you. We sat next to each other in every class, but you never spoke to me. You only played with the boys. And I very much wanted to be friends with the cute boy with the bright blond hair and blue eyes, even though he was a mean little boy.”
“You wanted to be friends with me?” I looked at her again. “Why?”
“I know seven year old boys don’t notice girls yet, but seven year old girls sure do notice cute little boys.”
“Are you saying you had a crush on me?” My jaw dropped open in shock.
“I did.” She giggled. “I used to go home every night and make my mom test me on my spelling and math, just so I could do well in the quizzes every day.”
“What?”
“Yup. I saw the way you used to eye up my candy every day. I knew that the easiest way to get you to become my friend was to win the candy every day, and look it worked. We became best friends.”
“You tricky little…” My voice trailed off and I laughed, trying to remember a seven year old Clementine. “But you were so quiet and sweet. Everyone thought our friendship was a mistake, that I’d turn you into some sort of hellion tomboy.”
“I don’t think anyone expected our friendship to last.” She said. “I guess it’s unusual for people to remain friends for so long and not have anything happen.”
“Well we had something happen.” My heart jumped and I took a deep breath. “I hope it doesn’t ruin our friendship.”
“It won’t.” She grabbed my arm. “I won’t let it.”
“Good.” I made my way to the highway. “I won’t either.”
“In fact, I’m pretty sure I want you to take me
to the hotel now.” She whispered and I froze.
“The hotel?”
“Yeah.” She nodded. “If you’re not too sad.”
“Do you know what you’re saying, Clementine.” I spoke slowly.
“Yes.” Her voice was sure. “I know exactly what I’m saying.”
***
There are certain moments in your life that define you. They don't have to be monumental or life-changing, but they are moments that you can look back on and say that defines your character. I've never been one to think much about character. I've always lived my life, done what I wanted, and gone about my business. Even when it came to Clementine, I'd never really put her first. It was always about me and how I was feeling. I've never really thought about if anything was convenient to her or stressful. I was a selfish friend. Granted, I'd never fully realized that before, but as we walked into the luxurious hotel suite I knew that this wasn't right. This wasn't how Clementine’s first time should be. There was absolutely nothing special about losing her virginity in a hotel in Charleston. No matter how badly I wanted it and her. I wasn't sure how to tell her. She was so excited. I was so excited, I knew that it was the perfect informal place to have sex. If we had sex at my house or in her apartment, the memories would always remain and I didn't want the memories to be linked to any of the spots we spent frequent time in. I wanted it to be as forgettable as possible, so that when things went back to the way they used to be, there would be no awkwardness. It pained me to think of a time without intimacy with Clementine. Now that I'd had a taste of her, I wasn't sure that anything would ever be the same, but I also knew I couldn't give her what she needed. Seeing my mother had only reinforced to me how little love meant. It was an emotion created by humans to deal with the fact that sometimes life got shitty. At the end of the day, love caused more problems than solutions. At the end of the day, it was better to deal with lust, lust was a real emotion. Lust was true. No one ever complained about being in lust.
"The room is gorgeous." Clementine stepped in slowly and looked around. "Really Presidential looking."
She turned to give me a small smile and my heart stopped beating as I stared into her eyes. She trusted me infinitely. I knew that without a doubt.
"Maybe we shouldn't do this." I started talking and watched as her face fell. "I don't know that this is the right place or time."
"I want to." She said softly and walked towards me. "I want to."
"Not here." I shook my head. "Not like this."
"What's wrong with here?" She looked around and studied the room. "Have you done it here before?"
"No." I laughed and shook my head. "This is one of the few places I haven't done it."
"You're such a pig, Rhett." She rolled her eyes and I wasn't sure if she was joking it not.
"Not here, okay?" I touched her shoulder softly and she glared at me.
"What is going on Rhett? Why are you treating me like a little princess?" She glared at me and stuck her face up in mine.
"What?" I stared at her in shock. "What are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about the fact that ever since we made out you've been treating me like some fragile doll that might break if you do something wrong."
"Clementine." I frowned. "I'm not sure what you're saying."
"Do you know why our friendship has worked all these years, Rhett?" She poked me in the chest and I shook my head, choosing to remain silent. "Because we're honest with each other, because we don't judge each other. Because..." She paused and grabbed my shoulders. "We're both strong and know our own minds. I know you think you're this big man on campus. I know you’re hot, handsome Rhett and you have all these girls and I'm little old Clementine, your best friend: I've never really dated and I've got no experience, but let me tell you something Rhett. I know exactly what I'm doing and this isn't going to work if you start acting like a pussy around me."
"Did you just call me a pussy?" My lips twitched.
"You know what I mean." Her eyes sparkled into mine. "Stop messing around."
"I'm not messing around. I'm trying to be good. I'm trying to be careful. I'm doing this for you."
"Don't treat me like any other girl." She sighed.
"That's kinda hard." I frowned. "I like you."
"I mean don't just disappear, but don't be someone you’re not." She paused. "Throw me on the bed, have your wicked way with me, use your famous lines, try and pawn me off on a friend. Wait." She laughed. "Don't do that last one."
"There's no way I’d hook you up with any of my friends." I gave her a look. "No way in hell."
"Not even Tomas?" She smiled sweetly at me.
"No, not even Tomas." I grabbed her and pulled her towards me. "Why did you mention Tomas? Are you into him?"
"No." She grinned and me, and I could see her blushing.
"Clementine," I said slowly. I could feel my stomach churning. "Do you have a crush on Tomas?"
"No." She shook her head. "He's cute, but he's not my type."
"Oh?"
"He's a player." She laughed. "Maybe a bigger player than you. Penelope told me that he made a move on her recently."
"Oh?" I felt my breathing coming out faster.
"Yes, he wanted to have some fun." She groaned. "I'd never wanna hook up with a guy that hooked up with Penelope."
"Oh really?" I looked away from her.
"Just seems icky," she made a face. "Two friends hooking up with one guy."
"Yeah, I guess." I sighed. "So are you ready for us to leave?"
"I don't want to leave." She mouthed slowly and grabbed my shirt and pulled me towards her. "Did you not hear what I was just saying?"
"I heard you, but I still don't think this is the right..."
"Rhett. If I was one of your bimbos would you be brushing me off right now?"
"You're not one of my bimbos." I sighed. "You're my..."
"I swear Rhett if you tell me I'm your best friend one more time I will scream. Right now I don't want you to treat me as your best friend. Right now I want you to treat me as your bimbo." She giggled. "I never thought I would say that." She leaned forward and kissed me. "I never thought I'd do that either." She pulled back slightly and then kissed me again softly. I was taken aback by her actions. This wasn't the Clementine I knew. This was a totally different creature. Clementine was acting like a vixen. It delighted and scared me. Where had this girl, no, where had this woman come from? I didn't have much time to think as she pressed her lips against mine harder. I could feel her lips trembling against mind as she pushed her tongue into my mouth hesitantly. I couldn’t stop myself from responding then. I grabbed the back of her head and pulled her body against mine. I sucked on her tongue eagerly and I felt her hands reach up into my hair.
"See Rhett." She whispered as she grabbed me. "This is what you do with other girls. I want you to want me as much as you want them."
I frowned slightly at her words. Didn't she realize that there were no other girls that could compare to her? She was the only one that had turned me on in months. I'd had to fantasize about her when I was with other girls. I pulled away from her slightly as I realized I needed to tell her about Penelope.
"I need to tell you something." I ran my hands through her hair and took a deep brief. She looked back at me with bright expectant eyes. I could see the want in her expression. I knew if I told her now I would ruin the moment. I knew that everything would be ruined if I told her what had happened in the back of the truck.
"Yes Rhett?" She prompted me after a few seconds. I felt her hands around my waist and I knew that this was a defining moment for both of us.
"I want you so badly." I leaned forward and whispered in her ear. It wasn't a line, but the absolute truth. "I want you so badly that I'm scared that this moment won't be everything you want it to be and I want it to be perfect, Clemmie. I want every second to be perfect."
"It will be” she whispered.
"I don't want it to be in here. I want it to be in my bed, i
n my house."
"But..." Her voice trailed off.
"I've never taken anyone back there Clem. You're the only one that's slept in that bed."
"Sleep being the operative word?" She raised an eyebrow at me.
"No one has been in that bed with me." I shook my head. "So it will be both of our first times."
"Funny." She smiled at me and ran her hands down her back. "I still want to stay here tonight though."
"But, we're not going to..." I started and then stopped. "But we don't need to rush into that. Just being together will be good."
"Are you sure you're okay with that!" Her eyes searched mine, "I know it's not different to our usual routine. But it kinda is."
"Hey, let's watch a movie and order some pizza and just chill." I smiled. "I'm always down for spending time with you."
"They have a hot tub here as well." She smiled. "I was thinking we could go in there tonight."
"Really now?" I grinned. "Do you have a bathing suit with you?"
"No." She winked at me. "But I'll make something work."
"That sounds interesting."
"Interesting?" She raised an eyebrow at me and I threw my hands up in the air.
"Hey, hey, hey. I might be a player, but I'm not a pimp. I don't have sexy lines ready for every occasion."
"Why not?" She grinned and she ran over to the bed and jumped onto it.
"Wow, it's super soft."
"Are you trying to tease me?" I walked over to the bed quickly and flopped down next to her and took her in my arms. She curled up next to me and I ran my hands down the sides of her waist.
“Maybe.”
“I told you, not here.” I grinned at her and ran my fingers to her butt and squeezed her butt cheeks.
“You’re such a tease.” She pouted at me and her brown eyes laughed at me.
“Oh?” I smirked and pushed my fingers between her legs and rubbed gently.
“Rhett.” She groaned and bit her lower lip, her eyes widening as I teased her slowly.
“Yes, dear?” I grinned and moved my hand back to her ass.
“Are you trying to drive me crazy?”
“Nah.” I laughed. “I don’t think so.”
