by J. S. Cooper
“So, you know?” I sighed after a few minutes of silence.
“I always wondered you know.” She turned towards me. “Not about you and Penelope of course, but if you could be faithful. I always wondered if we ever hooked up, if you could be faithful. I know we aren’t dating. I know that we’re not exclusive. I know that. But I thought I’d be enough.”
“We hooked up before you and I…” My voice faded as she held her hand up.
“The day before, Rhett. The day before.”
“It wasn’t like that.” I shook my head. “I don’t even like her. I’m not even attracted to her.”
“So that makes it better?” She laughed bitterly. “You don’t even have to be attracted to a girl to hook up?”
“We didn’t have sex.” I reached for her hands and she pulled away from me.
“I know.” She jumped up. “Does that make a difference?”
“I thought of you.”
“Oh that fixes everything then.” She glared at me. “You thought of me as she touched you. You thought of me when you attempted to…” Her voice cracked and tears streamed down her face. “How could you Rhett?”
“I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to hurt you.” I jumped up and tried to touch her, but she flinched.
“I gave myself to you. I trusted you. I would have done anything for you, Rhett.” She sobbed. “I can’t deal with this.”
“Please, can we talk?” My heart broke as she sobbed.
“I’m done talking. I’m done trying to make everything work for you.” She shook her head. “I’m over it, Rhett. You’re a selfish son-of-a-bitch. All you care about is yourself. I’ve tried. I’ve really tried. But you just never saw me as more than your friend. I’m the person that’s there when your lady friends are busy or you have nothing else to do.”
“That’s not true.” I shook my head. “You’re my everything, Clementine.”
“Oh shut the front door.” She shouted. “We both know that’s not true.”
“Shut the front door?” I smiled and she rolled her eyes at me.
“Whatever. I’m leaving.”
“Clementine.” I grabbed a hold of her. “Please.”
“Whatever, Rhett. Save it.” She shook her head. “I’m over it.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means I’m over it. I’m over you. This is just too much.” She sobbed. “Just thinking about you with, Penelope. I can’t believe it.”
“Please don’t think about it.” I grabbed ahold of her and tried to pull her towards me. “Clementine, please.”
“I’ve got to go, Rhett.” She ran to the front door. “I’ve got to go.”
“But, Clementine.” I shouted after her. “I love you.”
She didn’t even stop. She didn’t look back or hesitate as I shouted after her. It was as if my words meant nothing to her. It was as if, after all these years, she didn’t even care. How could she not care? I’d thought that was all she needed to hear. I thought my declaration of love would be enough. I thought that would change everything, but it meant nothing. It was too late. I’d figured it all out, too late.
Chapter Thirteen
Six Weeks Later
There’s a saying, you only know what you’ve got once you’ve lost it. I’m here to tell you that’s true. The last six weeks of my life have been shit. I’ve got a full-grown beard. My hair is unkempt, my eyes are bloodshot. I’ve lost weight. I look and feel like shit. I guess some people call what I’m going through heartbreak. I’m here to say, it feels more like heart extraction. My heart has been slowly and painfully pulled from my body. And that was why today, I knew I had to go and see her. I needed to get my shit together. Clementine’s rejection had made me realize just how many things I hadn’t been dealing with in my life.
I pulled up to the driveway and took a deep breath as I stepped out of the car. This time I didn’t hesitate. I didn’t feel sorry for myself. I didn’t think back to my childhood. I didn’t even feel sad. I knew what real heartache was like now. I walked up to the front-door with my shoulders squared and knocked on the door. I heard the dog running to the door and then it opened slowly.
“Rhett,” her eyes opened wide in surprise and she patted her hair down.
“Mom.” I nodded. “Can I come in?”
“Oh, sure.” She stepped back. “Sorry for the mess. I didn’t know you were coming. I tidied up last time cos your friend said you were coming, but she didn’t tell me this time.”
“She didn’t know.” I walked in and looked around. It was surprisingly clean and homey. It looked nicer than I thought it would. “It looks nice in here.”
“Thanks.” She smiled. “I try to keep it nice, just in case anyone drops by.”
“Yeah.” I frowned as I saw all the photos of the wall. “Is this me?” I walked up to the photos and stared at them in shock. There were photos of me and me and Clementine from kids all the way through to a few weeks ago. “Where did you get these?”
“Your friend Clementine sent them to me.” She smiled. “This is my favorite.” She walked over to a photo on her mantelpiece and handed it to me. “You both look so happy.” It was from high school graduation. We were both making faces at the camera. Our eyes were shining bright and our heads were pressed together as we stuck out tongues out. My arm was around her shoulder and she was grinning. We looked happy. Really happy. My heart hurt looking at the photo.
“I didn’t know she sent them.” I frowned.
“Her and her Nanna used to come visit me, once every couple of months.” She shrugged. “Make sure I was okay and give me updates on you.”
“I see.” I frowned. “I never knew that.”
“They used to say they wanted to update me on you, but I knew it was to make sure I was okay. They wanted me to contact you.” She sat on a chair. “They said you missed me and needed me, but I never knew what to say.”
“They asked you to contact me?” My breath caught. “I can’t believe they did that.”
“They love you.” She gave me a weak smile. “They wanted to see you happy.”
“I was always happy.” I lied.
“You don’t have to lie to me. I know I haven’t been the best mother.” She closed her eyes and covered her face. “I tried to stay sober, you know.”
“Yeah.” I nodded, unsure of what to say.
“They sent me flowers every Mother’s Day as well.” She sighed. “They tried to say it was from you, but I knew.”
“Yeah.” I looked away. How had I not known any of this?
“That Clementine loves you.” She gazed at me. “I used to think she was stupid. Doing so much for you. You didn’t even know. I used to feel bad for her. She was just setting herself up for heartache.” She sighed. “But I guess, that’s the beauty of love isn’t it? Doing stuff to make people happy, without them ever knowing.”
“I guess so.”
“She’s beautiful. She’s really grown into a beautiful girl.” She smiled at me. “I used to be beautiful too.”
“You’re still beautiful.”
“You’re just saying that.” She sighed. “I didn’t love as selflessly as she does. All her life she’s loved you.”
“Yeah.” I looked down. How had I not seen it? “I don’t get why she never told me?”
“I think she didn’t want to get your hopes up, if I never came through. I have a habit of bailing on people.”
“Why did you leave?”
“I loved alcohol more than myself.” Tears sprang to her eyes as she stared at me. “Every day that I’m sober, I wonder what could have been.”
“Dad still wouldn’t have been with you.”
“I meant if I’d stayed for you.” She offered me a small smile. “If I’d raised you. If I’d been there for you. What would life have been like?”
“You choose a different path.”
“I never stopped loving you.” She started crying. “Every day, I think of you. I see your face as a litt
le boy. I see you asking me for ice cream. I feel you hugging me. I see your big blue eyes. I screwed up Rhett. I love you so much. I can’t even stand the pain I’ve caused you. The pain I’ve caused myself. Every night I go to bed and I pray that I’ll see you again. Hold you again.” The tears streamed out of her eyes as she sobbed. “Do you know what it’s like to mess up and keep messing up? I just can’t seem to get it right. I don’t wanna be this person. I don’t want to let you down. I don’t want you to hate me.”
“I don’t hate you.” I said softly and in this moment I knew it was true. I didn’t hate her. I’d never hated her. I’d been heartbroken, scared, rejected, confused, but I’d never hated her. Pitied her, yes, felt bad for herself and for myself, yes, but hate. Never.
“You’re a good boy.” She nodded and touched the top of my head. “You’ve got a kind heart.”
“Not sure how.” I joked.
“Clementine.” She ran her fingers to my beard. “Her soul is angelic. It’s only natural that it touched you.”
“She hates me now.” I sighed. “She hates me.”
“She’ll never hate you, Rhett.” Her eyes smiled at me. “That girl loves you more than life itself.”
“I…” My voice cracked and I looked away. “I screwed up.”
“That’s the beauty about love.” Her voice sounded wistful. “I was wrong before, when I told her she was like me. When I told her she was loving in vain. I was wrong. You love her don’t you? You really love her. Your face is different when you talk about her. She’s in your heart.”
“Why…how…” I sighed.
“I don’t know what happened with her, Rhett, but don’t let her get away.” She whispered. “You’ll regret it for the rest of your life.”
“I don’t know what to do.”
“Follow your heart, Rhett.”
“I didn’t know I had one until recently.”
“It always takes men a little longer to figure it out.”
“I’m sorry about dad, I know it must have hurt.”
“It’s not for you to be sorry. I’m the one that’s sorry.”
“I have to go now.” I jumped up, my heart beating and my head full of Clementine. “I need to speak to Clementine.”
“I know.” She licked her lips. “And Rhett…” She paused and looked at me with hopeful eyes.
“Here,” I opened my wallet. “I have $40 to give you.” I pulled the notes out and handed them to her.
“No.” She shook her head and refused the money. “I don’t want it. I’m back in rehab.” She half-smiled. “It’s hard, but I’m trying. I’m really trying.”
“Good for you mom.” I dropped the money on the table. “What were you going to say?”
“Will you come and see me again?”
“Do you want me to?”
“I’d like nothing more.” She stood up and walked towards me. “There’s nothing I’d like more, except maybe a hug.”
“Come here, mom.” I pulled her into my arms and hugged her hard. She hugged me back, even harder and I could feel her crying against my chest. I rubbed her back and we stood there for ten minutes just hugging.
“I love you, Rhett.” She sobbed against my chest. “I love you so much.”
“I love you too, mom.” I whispered against her ear. “I promise I’ll be back to see you soon. I promise.”
I walked out of my mom’s house feeling like a completely different man. I was ashamed of myself. Really ashamed of myself. Clementine had been right. My entire friendship with her had been selfish. Completely selfish. Only I’d chosen to ignore all the signs of my complete and utter jerk ways. Knowing that Clemmie and Nanna had come to see my mom all these years made me realize just how important I was to both of them. Both of them loved me more than I deserved. I thought back to a conversation, I’d had with Clementine many years ago. She’d told me that she would only give her virginity to a man she loved, but of course I’d chosen to forget that fact when I’d taken her. I’d been blind for so many years to her feelings and to my own. She’d been my de facto girlfriend. She’d done everything with me. Only I had not wanted to acknowledge the truth of my feelings towards her.
I got into my car, ready to call Clementine and beg her to meet me. I needed to talk to her. Yet, I knew a talk alone wasn’t going to be enough. I needed to make a grander gesture. I pulled out my phone and called Nanna.
“Nanna, it’s me Rhett.”
“Rhett,” her voice was cheerful. “I’ve been waiting on your call.”
“You have?” I knew I sounded surprised.
“I’ve been waiting for you to come to your senses.”
“What?” My jaw dropped.
“I presume that you’ve come to your senses?”
“I love her, Nanna.” I whispered.
“Yes, so you’ve come to your senses.” She sounded pleased. “I was worried that you were going to be stubborn.”
“How long have you known?”
“Clementine has loved you since she was a child, Rhett.” She laughed. “I knew you were in love with her when you were 13.”
“What?” My jaw dropped. “What are you talking about?”
“A grandma knows these things, Rhett.”
“She hates me now.”
“She doesn’t hate you.” Her voice was firm. “Though I was ready to slap you when you started sleeping with her.”
“I’m sorry, Nanna.”
“It’s fine.” She sighed. “You young people do things so twisted these days.”
“I didn’t meant to take…”
“Rhett, let’s not discuss this.” She laughed. “I’m still an old-fashioned lady you know. I’m just glad you’ve come to your senses.”
“What if she won’t have me?” I sighed. “I kinda messed up.”
“You mean the issue with that Penelope?”
“Yes.” I sighed. Why did Nanna have to know everything?
“You didn’t sleep with her, did you?”
“No.” I was adamant and she laughed.
“Clementine’s just being melodramatic. You broke her heart, Rhett. Here she’s been loving you for years and just when she thinks you’re within reach, you betray her with her best friend.”
“I didn’t betray her. We weren’t even hooking up yet.”
“It doesn’t matter when it happened, Rhett.” She sighed. “Jealousy and love have minds of their own.”
“I haven’t even thought of another girl since we’ve been together.”
“Tell her that.”
“She’s not talking to me.”
“Well, that’s definitely a problem.”
“Can I come over this Sunday? I want to tell her how I feel.”
“In front of the family?” She sounded surprised.
“Yes.”
“A grand gesture then?” She sounded pleased.
“Yes. I want the world to know.”
“Good.” She sounded happy. “Come over around noon.”
“Great.”
“Oh and Rhett.”
“Yes, Nanna?”
“Sunday is her farewell lunch. She’s moving to Cambridge next week.”
“Oh.” My heart dropped. “Isn’t that fast?”
“Life goes quickly, my dear. That’s why we must seize every opportunity and live life to the fullest.”
“Yeah, thanks Nanna.” I hung up the phone, feeling excited and depressed. Part of me wondered what the point was. If she was leaving anyway, what did it matter? But I knew in that moment that it would always matter. She would always matter. I had to let her know of that fact.
***
Sunday came quickly. I felt like my whole life was on the line. This was the most important day of my life and I was scared that I was going to fuck it up.
“You guys sure you know what to do?” I looked at Tomas, Brody and Jake in my back seat.
“Yes,” They chorused and grinned.
“Don’t mess it up for me.” I glared at th
em, feeling agitated.
“We won’t.” Jake smiled. “I’m glad you’re finally admitting you have the hot’s for my sister. I wasn’t sure how long I could take it.”
“Very funny.” I groaned and grinned back at him. “Okay, sshh. I’m calling Nanna. She’s going to bring your parents and Clemmie outside.” I pulled up and parked a few houses up. “Hey, Nanna. It’s me. Bring them outside.” I looked at the guys and wiped my forehead. I was sweating bullets of fear.
“You’re going to be fine, Rhett.” Tomas grinned at me.
“I feel sick to my stomach.” I groaned and adjusted my bowtie. “Do I look like a fool?”
“Honestly?” He laughed and I glared at him. “You look fine bro.”
“Argh.” I looked at my reflection in the window. My hair was recently cut and it looked as perfect as it could. I looked like a bit of a nerd in my tuxedo, but it was all a part of the act. “Brody, Jake, Tomas, you all know what you have to do?” I asked again.
“Yes,” they chorused again and I sighed.
“Just checking.” I looked at Jake and grinned. “That costume suits you.”
“I would never have dressed up like a white horse if you weren’t wooing my sister.” He made a face. “I look like an idiot.”
“You look fine.” I grinned. “Brody, you got the camera ready?”
“Yes.” He nodded.
“You ready to fight?” I grinned at Tomas and he nodded and played with his sword.
“Yes, Prince Charming. Let’s go.”
“They’re outside.” Jake exclaimed and I froze. “Let’s do this shit.”
“Okay, guys. Let’s go.” I took a deep breath and grabbed the reins on Jake’s costume. I tapped his shoulder and he pretended to gallop down the road. I pretended I was riding him and my heart was pounding as we came to Nanna’s house. Nanna and Clementine’s parents started laughing as they saw me, but Clemetine’s expression remained stoic.
“Has anyone seen the fair maiden, Princess Clementine?” I shouted out as we made our way up the driveway.
“Did someone ask where my Clementine was?” Tomas came running up the driveway with his fake sword.
“She’s not yours.” I shouted out. “I will fight you for her hand.”
“Who do you think you are, Prince Charming?” Tomas came charging at me and I pulled out my sword.
