The Hired Wife

by Cari Hislop

George expelled a heavy sigh, “With my luck Uncle John will outlive me.”

  Cecil put an arm around George’s shoulders, “Smile, you may find a wealthy wife today. Bucky may only want us to protect his rich sisters from Morley, but he didn’t say we couldn’t fall in love with them and carry them off to a vicar. I think Papa would be pleased if one of us returned to London with a wealthy fiancé. Repeat after me; I love rabbits. Rabbit’s are adorable with their little tails twitching as they jump. Rabbits are graceful and eat a lot of grass. Rabbits taste like chicken…”

  Cosmo elbowed George, “I’d rather marry a rabbit than that cow, Alyce Godfrey! When I kissed her hand and told her she was a divine creature she took it as her due and gave me no more notice than if I’d been an ugly footman. I’ve seen better looking women churning butter in Adderbury!”

  George sighed as he silently agreed, “When I kissed Lady Alyce’s hand she laughed at my cravat and whispered loudly to Morley that I walked as if my smalls were too small. How is a man supposed to defend himself against a private whisper?”

  Cecil filled his lungs for a brotherly discourse, “As Papa says, ‘When a woman says something unkind…”

  Cosmo elbowed Cecil in the chest, “We all know what Papa says. Never mind George’s silly walk, let’s go see if our hearts will dance for some rabbits.”

  “I don’t have a silly walk.”

  Charles scowled, “Stop referring to Bucky’s sisters as rabbits. We don’t even know if his sisters have buck teeth or not. We don’t want Cecil calling them rabbits in their hearing or none of us will be hopping to the altar.”

  Cecil shook his head, “You don’t understand women Charles. Women adore rabbits; they’re small, furry and cute.”

  Charles wasn’t going to lose the argument, “Except for Mamma, god rest her soul, and our female servants; you haven’t yet had a single conversation with a woman without saying something stupid and making yourself look like a fool. Didn’t you see poor Lady Raynham blush when you admired her hair and told her it looked like someone had poured a bucket of honey over her head? Women don’t want to be thought of as dripping with honey or compared with a rabbit muff…”

  “Lady Raynham said the comment was charming.”

  George Smirke rolled his black eyes, “She’s a kind woman. She’d probably think you charming if you had two heads and one of them spoke French and called himself Napoleon. Cecil, I have that bad feeling again. Are you sure we did the right thing in leaving London without telling Papa?”

  “We left him a letter; besides you know he’d be livid if we dragged him away from Brighton if he’s courting that friend of Aunt Agnes. I hope she doesn’t cringe or laugh at his stammer.”

  “But Papa is so protective of Robert…where is Robert? Robert?”

  “I’m over here. Look at this snail; I’ve never seen one like it.”

  “That’s exciting Robert, don’t eat any poisonous mushrooms or drown in the lake. Papa will kill us if you so much as bruise.”

  “I’m seventeen not seven. Cecil, I’m hungry…can we eat now?”

  Cecil rolled his black eyes in exasperation. “You’re always hungry…”

  “He could eat the snail.”

  “Shut up Cosmo!”

  “I say we feed him the snail.”

  Cecil confiscated the tiny creature and flung it into the grass. “Leave Robert and his snails alone or I’ll demand satisfaction here and now and you know I can beat you.”

  “Only because you’re three decrepit years older; I’ll have the pleasure of living three whole years longer than you.”

  “Only if you don’t die first…Oh look, Bucky’s waving at us to hurry. Papa’s life must be hell if this is parenting…Robert! Leave the snail. You can find one to take home later.” The five young men cheerfully jabbed each other in the ribs as they crossed the drive and ran up the steps into the house unaware of hate filled eyes watching them from one of the windows.

  Chapter 8

  Mary winced as her stomach audibly rumbled through the peach and white drawing room. Glancing at the clock she found another thirty seconds of life were over and still no sign of Lady Morley or Alyce. She could hear Emily whispering to Buckingham to send another servant to tell the two women to hurry, but as he’d already sent three maids to speed up the dawdling guests he could only shrug his shoulders and send another servant. Mary tuned her ears into the five Smirkes elegantly draping several nearby sofas, the youngest, a tall handsome lad with wavy black hair was clutching his empty stomach, “What are we waiting for Cecil? I’m so hungry I could eat that snail.”

  The blonde Adonis rolled his black eyes toward his baby brother, “We’re waiting for two females to hear the mirror on the wall tell them they’re the fairest of all. As neither has the faintest hope of realising their dream, we can only hope Bucky will teach them a lesson by leading us into dinner before we die of starvation.”

  Lord Henry Morley lifted his monocle and sneered at the collective Smirkes, “You insult my mother Sir. Do you wish to apologise or meet me at dawn?”

  Cecil’s eyebrows rose fractionally, “Are those your only two options?”

  “At last, a Smirke who can admit he’s a coward. Speaking of mothers, I understand yours was a servant; how elevating. You must be so proud.”

  Emily’s eyes filled with horror as she glanced at Mary’s embarrassed flush, “Really Henry, not everyone’s mother has a title. I’m sure if we were to inspect your family tree we’d find more than a few insignificant branches.”

  “Breeding, my dear Emily involves one’s parents not one’s ancestors. If Mr. Smirke’s mother hadn’t been a domestic drudge he may have been taught some manners, but then his father’s mother was no better. Wasn’t Lady Jemima a French prostitute before being plucked out of obscurity by your grandfather? What with your Uncle James impaled on an iceberg and your Uncle John defying death, your abysmal family connections must cause you considerable discomfort Mr. Smirke.”

  “I’ve never thought of Aunt Agnes as an iceberg, but as Papa says, ‘The man who humiliates others to preserve his own vanity is a cannibal of the soul and not worth one’s notice.’”

  “I’ve killed men for less.”

  “So has Uncle John; we find him a source of great amusement. I accept your challenge Lord Morley. Be so good as to remove your coat and put up your fists. Papa says it’s only polite to give satisfaction to old men even if one knows they’ll end up on the floor.”

  Emily laughed out loud, “I believe he’s just won the verbal duel Henry. Do take off your coat and entertain us while we wait for your mother. You can throw out lines from Shakespeare in-between blows. When you get a black eye you can stop and give us, ‘to be or not to be…’ It’ll be your punishment for being so horrid to my Bucky!” Buckingham’s love for Emily ballooned as he celebrated her kindness with a lingering kiss on her inner wrist.

  Morley’s lips twisted with scorn. “I’m disappointed in you Emily. I thought you a gently bred female.”

  Buckingham’s eyes narrowed at the sneering insult, but Emily fobbed it off with a shrug, “As long as I’m gentle enough for Bucky.”

  “You’re as gentle as a summer breeze.”

  “Oh Bucky…you’re the loveliest man…”

  Cecil Smirke slouched in complete relaxation, “Are you going to take off your coat my Lord or do you wish to annul your challenge?”

  “Gentlemen do not spar in the drawing room child. We shall meet outside later this evening when I shall teach you a lesson in manners.”

  Cecil snorted his contempt, “I’ve been challenged, I set the time. We fight now or never…old man.”

  Lady Morley sailed into the room trailing rose water spattered silk. “Who’s an old man?”

  The younger Smirkes appeared unconcerned for their elder brother. George Smirke elbowed his older brother, “I’ll wager you two pounds Morley falls within the first five blows. Make sure you break his nose and blacken both his eyes.”


  “Henry? What are those devil-Smirkes talking about?”

  “The infant Smirke wishes to pummel me here and now Mother.”

  “Here? In the drawing room?” The fossilized beauty glared at the Smirkes. “Typical Smirke; ill-bred to the marrow.”

  Cecil raised a sculptured eyebrow, “I’m no more ill-bred Madam than the lady who forces her host and fellow guests to starve while she lingers over her mirror. An activity I might point out…ouch! Watch your feet George; that was my leg…”

  Lady Morley gawped in horror, “Well! Henry, are you going to allow that, that Smirke to insult me?”

  “Of course not Mother. I shall pummel him after dinner.”

  Cecil shook his head, “You’ll have to punch yourself in the nose if you want an after dinner fight. I’ll be playing card games while you entertain yourself by the lake.”

  “What’s so funny?” Marshall’s booming question sobered the room as Mary quickly rose to speak into his ear.

  “Lord Morley and Mr. Smirke have been trading clever insults.”

  Marshall eyed Cecil with distaste, “He doesn’t look very clever to me.”

  Cecil rose from his seat and crossed the room to Marshall’s ear, “Your friend desires an after dinner pummel. I will fight him here and now, but he insists on waiting. If you’re feeling kind, perhaps you might pummel him after dinner?”

  “Don’t be absurd; who wants to fight on a full stomach?”

  “Exactly, I shall be playing cards. You and Lady Raynham may join me.”

  “My wife and I are going straight to bed after dinner.”

  Mary pink cheeks flushed deep red as Lord Morley crossed his legs and sneered, “I hope Lady Mary is able to bear up under the weight of her wifely duties.”

  “What’s wrong Woman? You look like a cooked lobster.”

  Mary ignored Morley’s leer. “I…I need my dinner.”

  Lady Morley snapped open her fan, “Newlyweds! I suppose the generations must be spawned, but why must we know of it? When you marry Morley, do spare my sensibilities. I’ve no desire to hear your bed ropes creaking.”

  “I shall obey as soon as my bride appears.”

  “I’m sure you’ll soon find her…Oh at last, Alyce darling, what took you so long?”

  Robert Smirke elbowed his brother George as he whispered, “Isn’t she lovely?”

  “Who?”

  “Alyce Godfrey you idiot; I’m going to ask her to let me escort her into the dining room.”

  “Spare your youthful heart for a female who won’t eat it.”

  “I’ll wager you a pound of Christmas money…”

  “Cosmo won the rest of your Christmas money last week.”

  “If you’re afraid to loose…”

  “If you can get that harpy to walk into the dining room while touching your arm I’ll give you five pounds.”

  “Done!” Robert leapt off the sofa and straightened his waistcoat as he approached Alyce. The lady was distracted from Lord Morley’s whispers as the handsome youth stepped into her line of vision with a smile.

  Lord Morley eyed his young rival with contempt, “What do you want Boy?”

  Robert squared his young shoulders and returned the insult with bored glance and a silent dismissal, “Lady Alyce, may I worship at the altar of your loveliness and kiss your hand?”

  Alyce snorted in amusement as she languidly presented her fingers for homage, “You’re a beautiful boy Mr Smirke, but what would I want with a boy?”

  “Unlike an aging rakehell, my lips are undefiled and worthy to kiss you.”

  Alyce’s eyes lit up with wicked amusement, “Did you just call the Marquis of Morley an aging rakehell to his face? You certainly appear to have upset Lord Morley. He’s looking rather pale and deadly. Boys shouldn’t play with fire.”

  “Not unless the boy hopes to join a circus my Lady. As I have no money and no prospects, I may need to become a fire eater.”

  Morley’s deep hatred for Smirkes plunged to a new level, “If you’d like to entertain the lady Mr Smirke, perhaps you’d give her a demonstration of your circus skills before we go into dinner; a little juggling, a few hand stands, hanging yourself from the chandelier?”

  Robert’s black eyes flickered in Henry’s direction, “Circus tricks in a drawing room? How uncouth! As Morley won’t be available, would you allow me the honour of escorting you into dinner?”

  “How dare you speak for me you pimple?”

  “Forgive me; I assumed as a kind thoughtful son you’d spare Lady Morley the indignity of being led into dinner by a Smirke. I don’t think she likes us. She must have been snubbed by Uncle John, he can’t stand ugly people.”

  Morley snarled in fury as his mother appeared at his side, “Henry, what is that odious Smirke saying?”

  “He’s threatening to escort you into dinner.”

  “Touch a Smirke? I’d rather die; do be a dear Henry and lend me your arm. Buckingham, are you going to sit there mooning at Emily all evening? I wish to eat.”

  The company sighed with relief as the long awaited exodus into the dining room began. Stunned at the loss of his last five pounds, George Smirke offered his arm to Aunt Beatrice, but the old woman snubbed his polite offer and sailed away with her head held high. “What is wrong with these people? Why do they hate us so much? You’d think we were all doppelgangers of Uncle John.”

  Cecil Smirke shrugged his shoulders, “Perhaps Aunt Beatrice was in love with Grandfather Smirke. Papa once told me that Grandfather jilted Lady Morley to marry Nana. I’m glad he did. Can you imagine having that old viper as a grandmother? Her veins must ooze with poison.”

  George sighed with relief, “Can you imagine having Morley as a father? There’s something about him I find disturbing. I don’t like the way he looks at Robert, it’s as if…I don’t know it makes me uncomfortable.”

  “It’s probably his sickly cologne.”

  “Probably…and now I’ve lost my last five pounds to Robert and it’ll end up in Cosmo’s pocket. I’ll wager you a pound of Christmas money I reach the table first.” The two pushed and shoved past their younger brothers as they raced to the table.

  Mary slipped into her seat and glanced at Marshall taking the seat beside her. He looked tense and frustrated as he glanced around the table at several groups chatting as their bowls were filled with cold soup. Everyone’s bowl filled, Mary picked up her spoon, but was forced to pause as Marshall leaned over and hissed, “What is Henry saying?”

  “He’s asking his mother if she’s met Bucky’s sisters. She hasn’t and she wants to know why Buckingham’s sisters haven’t joined them for dinner. Bucky says when he told them he’d brought some handsome young men for them to meet they all started trembling and refused to come out of their rooms. They agreed to meet Emily; she says they were all really beautiful. Bucky says they look like his mother while he looks like a great grandfather. The Smirkes are relaying their disappointment. Will they get to meet Bucky’s sisters at all? Bucky doesn’t know. He despairs of finding them husbands because they’re so timid. They won’t even go out into the grounds if the handsome Gardner is working on the beds. Morley wants to know if you’ll shoot some birds with him tomorrow.”

  Marshall sent his friend a disgusted look down the table, “Why do some people arrive in the country and immediately start killing things? It’s senseless!”

  “Morley says you’re a tiresome moralist. He enjoys killing things, especially if he gets to eat them afterwards.”