Back Home at Firefly Lake

by Jen Gilroy

  “I didn’t think, either.” Because she’d been so caught up in how Luc made her feel. Guilt rolled over Cat like a tsunami.

  “I’m not sorry about wanting to make love to you again, but I shouldn’t have started something here.” Luc filled the mugs with hot water, then dropped a chamomile tea bag into Cat’s. “Do you want me to talk to Amy?”

  “Not yet.” Cat rested her elbows on the table and the lap quilt pooled at her sides. Dragonflies symbolized change and looking beyond the surface of life. She’d read that somewhere and filed it away along with all the other facts crammed into her head—facts she’d focused on to avoid feelings. Being with Luc had changed her enough, though, to tell him the truth. “Before I came back to Firefly Lake, I was hiding out. From life, men, everything.”

  “Why?” Only one word, but the gentleness in Luc’s voice almost broke her heart. He carried the mugs to the table, then sat on the stool next to hers.

  Cat worked moisture into her dry mouth. “I met Amy’s dad in Florida during spring break my senior year in college. It was a last-minute trip with a few girls from my dorm. Someone canceled, so there was an extra space. I took it. We all went to a beach party one night and started talking to this group of guys. Jared… I liked him, and I thought he liked me, too, so I slept with him. For once in my life, I wanted to be like other girls. I’d never been before. Not in high school, not during my gap year with Mom’s family in Quebec, and not in college, either.” She rubbed a hand across her face.

  “And?” Luc’s compassionate gaze met hers.

  “We’d had too much to drink. He had a condom, but we were messing around, and I guess he put it on too late. Nine months later, I had Amy.” Her stomach knotted.

  There was no condemnation in Luc’s expression, only kindness. “Did you tell him you were pregnant? He should have taken responsibility.”

  “It turned out Jared had a fiancée back home in Minnesota he never mentioned.” Cat took several deep breaths. “I found out about her the last night we were there. One of his friends was joking around and I heard… He and the other guys had made a bet with Jared and…” Her stomach lurched with the same hurt and humiliation she’d felt back then. The same sense of betrayal as when she’d huddled in the shadow of the palm trees at the dark end of the motel parking lot and thrown up over her pink sandals until there was nothing left in her stomach.

  “Aww, honey, you—”

  “No.” Cat shook her head. She had to finish this. “Even so, I’d have told him, but the week I found out I was pregnant, he was killed in a farm accident. One of my dormmates hooked up with one of Jared’s buddies that same trip. She told me.” She stared into the mug of tea without seeing it. “For a smart girl, I made a stupid mistake.”

  “Because you’re a smart girl, you didn’t let that mistake, or one stupid jerk, ruin your life.” Luc’s voice was rough and he covered one of her hands with his. “Despite what happened this afternoon, you’re a good mom, and Amy’s a good kid. Don’t ever think otherwise.”

  “Out of something bad, I got the most precious gift ever. Amy.” Cat studied their joined hands. His knuckles were dusted with light brown hair, and his skin was pitted and dented with the wounds of the game he’d played his whole life. Her hand was pale with long fingers, a scholar’s hand. “But she’s never been so mad at me before. What if she never forgives me?”

  “Of course she will, but right now, maybe it’s good that she’s not bottling up her feelings.”

  His voice would have soothed her if Cat could have been soothed. Maybe Amy would forgive her, but could she ever forgive herself? “She hit you. Hitting isn’t ever acceptable. That’s what I’ve taught her.”

  “She’s sure going to be able to look after herself if anybody goes for her on the ice again.” Luc rubbed his midriff.

  “She pushed one of her classmates, too.” Cat’s hands shook and she wrapped them around the mug.

  “From what I’ve seen of Mason, I doubt Amy’s the first kid to push him.”

  “That doesn’t make it okay.” Cat might not want to, but she had to tell Luc the rest of the truth and make him understand. “Amy’s dad played college hockey. His friends called him an ‘enforcer.’ Back then, I didn’t know what that meant. Now I do, and that’s why at first I didn’t want Amy to play hockey. But now that she loves hockey so much, I have to teach her fighting’s wrong.”

  Luc’s smile slid away. “Just because her dad was a tough guy on the ice doesn’t mean Amy will be. Nature versus nurture, remember? Whether you think so or not, you have a big influence on her.” His voice was his coach voice, calm and logical. “As for Mason, she shouldn’t have pushed him, but she was protecting you. When you get a group of twelve- and thirteen-year-old boys together, before you know it one of them says something and they’re punching each other out.”

  Cat stiffened and pulled her hand away from his. “Not every boy is like that.”

  “No, but from what I’ve seen coaching, a lot of them are. Amy will calm down. You can talk to her when she gets home. Nick’s right, we weren’t having sex on the desk, so she didn’t see anything that’ll mess her up for life.” Amusement sparked in his eyes.

  “You weren’t supposed to hear that.” Cat’s face heated.

  “A woman who blushes is very sexy.”

  “It’s embarrassing.” Cat put her hands to her face.

  Luc tugged them away. “I want to know more about you, Cat.” His expression turned serious. “All of you.”

  “You do know me. You’ve known me since I was born.” She touched her throat.

  “But until now, you’ve hidden the most important parts of yourself.” His voice was low and promised intimacy that was not only physical but emotional. “I want you to let me in. What do you have to lose?”

  She gulped, then gave a jerky nod. Nothing. Or maybe everything.

  Luc shifted on the sofa, and the two cats curled together on his lap like inverted question marks meowed in protest. He scratched two sets of brown tabby ears, and two sets of amber eyes drifted shut again. In the oasis of Cat’s quiet apartment, Amy walking in on him kissing Cat seemed like days ago instead of mere hours.

  “You’re spoiling my cats.” Cat sat beside him and tucked her legs beneath her.

  “I don’t hear either of them complaining.” He rubbed Bingley under his chin, and the cat rewarded him with a loud purr. “Besides, after I shut them out of your bedroom earlier, I have to make sure there aren’t any hard feelings.”

  “Hence that cat jungle gym or whatever it is?” She pointed to the climbing tree that now occupied one corner of her living room, before giving him a naughty grin that reminded him why he’d scooped the cats off her bed, then followed her into it. “You were supposed to be picking up the pizza.”

  “Len’s Hardware is on the way to Mario’s.” Luc gave her his most beguiling look. “Besides, Len was practically giving that climbing tree away.” He snagged the remote and clicked the TV on. “Darcy and Bingley like it, don’t they?”

  “Of course they do.” A smile hovered around Cat’s mouth. “And Amy will love it. She’s been after me to get one of those things for ages, but you don’t need to give me presents.”

  “It’s not for you. It’s for Darcy and Bingley.” He flicked to a sports channel. It was good hanging out with Cat, more than good, if he was honest. “If I leave in an hour, I’ll be gone before Amy gets home so you’ll have lots of time to talk to her.”

  “She hasn’t called.” Cat’s expression clouded.

  “If there was a problem, Nick would have called or texted you.”

  “Yes, but maybe I should have called him.” She bit her bottom lip.

  “He told you she needed time to cool off. You’re giving her the space she needs right now, so try not to worry.” Luc pulled her into his shoulder. “Let’s watch some hockey. There’s a replay of the Bruins game from Saturday night.”

  “Didn’t you already see that one?” There was a te
asing lilt in her voice.

  He tickled the soft curve of her side. “How many times have you watched Pride and Prejudice?”

  “That’s different.” She laughed and tickled him back. “It’s a classic.”

  “Like the Bruins versus the Penguins is classic hockey.” He looped an arm around her. “Tell you what. You watch hockey with me now, and tomorrow night I’ll watch one of those bonnets and ball gowns things with you.”

  She sent him an outraged look. “Deal. I have a Jane Austen box set.”

  “Why am I not surprised?” He chuckled and tweaked her nose. “You still look pretty tired.” She was even paler than she’d been earlier and her mouth had a grayish tinge. “Rest your head on my shoulder. If you fall asleep, I’ll wake you up when I leave.” He pulled a throw from the back of the sofa and wrapped it around her legs.

  “Thanks.” She snuggled into him, and Luc’s heart tripped. This was right. Here, Cat, and the two felines. Not doing anything special, but still the most special time he’d spent with anyone since Maggie died. He was almost happy, at least his new happy.

  “Luc?” Her voice was a low murmur against his shoulder.

  “What?” He muted the sound on the TV. He didn’t need the game; all he needed was her.

  “I won’t be able to sleep until Amy gets home.” She fingered the tassel on the edge of the throw. “Tell me about Maggie’s death. If… you can talk about it.” There was no idle curiosity in her voice, only gentle concern. “You said you wanted to know all about me. I want to know about all of you.”

  His heart thudded and blood roared in his ears. “Didn’t your mom tell you?” He stared at the screen, where players darted to and fro across the ice.

  “Yes, but that’s not the same.” The kindness in her voice gave him courage, and when she curled a hand into his, he held onto it as if it were a bulwark against the riptide of emotion her words had unleashed.

  “Widowers are supposed to be older, not thirty-three. At that age, you should be decorating a nursery, not picking out a funeral plot. You should be starting a college fund and planning for your family’s future.” His voice caught as the band around his chest almost suffocated him.

  “I can’t imagine how hard that must have been.” Cat gave his hand a little squeeze.

  “Most people don’t want to talk about death.” After they’d sent flowers and cards, or made a big donation to the USA Hockey Foundation in Maggie’s memory, almost all of the people he’d thought he could count on had disappeared from his life as if what had happened to him was somehow catching. “My folks helped me as much as they could, but…” He stopped and fought for control.

  “They must have been grieving, too.” Cat’s soft voice was a healing balm to his tortured soul.

  “Yeah.” For the first time in his life, his mom and dad couldn’t make things better and, like Maggie’s parents and sisters, they’d been as broken and bewildered as he was. “Maggie wasn’t sick. She ate healthy, exercised, and never smoked or did drugs. She was a US Olympian. Her picture was even on a cereal box.”

  Cat leaned forward and clicked off the TV. “And?” The crack in her voice paralleled the crack in Luc’s heart.

  “She was thirteen weeks pregnant when she had a brain aneurysm at the side of the rink one afternoon in the middle of practice. I was on the road with the team, and by the time I got back it was all over. I failed her.” His words were infused with the bitter taste of guilt. “I wasn’t there when she needed me. If I’d been there, maybe she would have made it.”

  Cat rubbed his back and shifted so her knees bumped against his. “Why? From what Mom said, the EMTs did everything they could.” Her gentleness unlocked the layer of grief he’d hidden deep in a vain attempt to forget it was there and helped him tell her what he’d never told anyone, not even his mom.

  “Maggie wasn’t feeling well the day before I left for the road trip. She had a headache.” Luc stroked the dozing cats and stared at his feet. “I was distracted. The team was on a losing streak, and I was more worried about the slump than I was about my wife and child. What kind of a husband does that make me?”

  “Exactly like husbands everywhere.” The compassion in Cat’s voice almost undid him. “Most people who have headaches don’t die of brain aneurysms. I had lots of headaches when I was pregnant with Amy, and the doctor said it was normal. You had no way of knowing Maggie’s headache wasn’t.”

  “I wasn’t there, so I didn’t know the headache must have gotten worse. She was only coaching that day to help a friend. Why did she even go to the rink?” He’d replayed those hours over and over again in his head, but the outcome was always the same. The woman he loved was gone, and he hadn’t even said good-bye.

  “Maggie made a choice, but she could have died at home all alone.” Cat scooted even closer to him. “At least she had people with her when it was her time.”

  “Maybe it wouldn’t have been her time if she hadn’t been pregnant. She was worried because she’d already had three miscarriages, but she’d had a lot of tests. When the doctor gave us the all clear, I pushed her to try again. Me, even though I was the one who’d promised to love and protect her. And when it… she… I was thousands of miles away.”

  He dropped his head into his hands. When the phone call from an unknown ER doctor had come, for endless seconds he’d tried to convince himself it was a sick joke. He’d stared out of his hotel room window at the sparkling blue of the pool, where everything still looked like it had two minutes before, even though his world had imploded.

  “I didn’t listen.” His throat was as sore as if he’d swallowed a carving knife. “We didn’t have to have our own kid. We could have adopted. I as good as killed her.”

  “No, you didn’t.” Cat’s voice was firm. “Maggie did what she did. You did, too. Do you really think she’d blame you for what happened? Didn’t she want her own baby?”

  “She did, but—”

  Cat put a soft finger to his lips. “From what you’ve said about her, Maggie would never for one minute have blamed you.”

  “It doesn’t stop me blaming myself.”

  “Is that fair?”

  “That’s not the point. Since I’m still here, I have to live with what I did for the rest of my life.” He sagged into the sofa cushions.

  “You’ll always love and miss Maggie, but you don’t have to let needless guilt eat you up inside. She loved you as much as you love her, and that kind of love is bigger than guilt or blame.” Cat looked deep into his eyes. “For Maggie’s sake, even if not your own, you have to forgive yourself.”

  His eyelids burned and the pain in his chest got worse.

  “Here.” She eased the cats aside to pull him into her arms. “It’s okay. Let it out.”

  He buried his face against her soft sweater, and the scorching tears he’d never let anyone else see spilled out unchecked.

  “I’ll call you later.” Cat handed Luc his coat. His body was stiff and his expression shuttered. His grief wasn’t a secret, but she’d never guessed he blamed himself for Maggie’s death. Unless he got past that, and no matter how much she let him into her life, how could there ever be a real place for her in his?

  “Tell Amy—”

  Her cell phone shrilled with a tune from the Muppet Show. “Sorry, I have to take this. It’s Nick.” She grabbed the phone from the coffee table and patted Luc’s shoulder.

  “What do you mean?” Her heart raced as she tried to make sense of her brother’s words. “How could Amy have disappeared? She’s twelve, not two.”

  “She went to the bathroom, but she didn’t come back.” Nick’s voice echoed with horrible resonance. “We’ve looked everywhere. I’ve already called the police and—”

  “I’m on my way.” The phone slipped from Cat’s hand and Luc caught it.

  “What?” His mouth shaped the word.

  Her ears rang, and the living room tilted like a fairground ride as Luc disconnected Nick’s call and grabbed her ar
m to steady her. “Amy was at the stable with Nick and the girls, but now she’s gone. I have to—”

  “I’ll drive you.” He found her coat and bundled her into it. “After the last time, I thought she’d learned her lesson about wandering off.”

  “I thought so, too.” Cat snatched her purse from a chair. “I’ve never heard Nick sound so frantic.”

  “Have you got a picture?” Luc’s blue gaze was somber.

  “Do you think someone’s taken her?” Cat’s voice rose as she fumbled in her purse for her keys. “If she’s run away… no… she must have taken a wrong turn coming back from the bathroom. It’s dark and with the snow…”

  “I’m not thinking anything because we don’t know what’s happened yet. The stable isn’t on a busy road, and it’s probably a fuss about nothing, but the cops will want a picture just in case.” Luc took the keys from her, then glanced around the living room and plucked a framed school picture of Amy from a bookshelf. “Does she have any money on her?”

  “Not more than five dollars. She always has a bit in case there’s something she needs to buy at school.” Cat stuck her feet into her boots and jammed her winter hat onto her head. Amy couldn’t be missing again. Any minute now, Nick would call her back to tell her it was a mistake.

  Luc took her arm again, locked the apartment door behind them, then led her down the outside stairs past the dark gallery. “Where would you go if you were Amy?”

  “She still misses Boston, but it’s too far away. How would she get there? And who would she run to there? We have friends but… all her family is here.” Cat swallowed a gulping sob. “Unless she hitchhiked, how would she get to the Greyhound stop? And the bus doesn’t run from here very often.” She pressed a hand to her mouth.

  “When she wants something…” He stopped and bit his lip, but the truth was in his eyes. He was all too afraid Amy was headed for Boston.

  Cat pressed a hand to her midriff. Her daughter had a reckless streak. Cat had seen it on the hockey rink, and she’d seen it again when Amy had stormed out of the gallery earlier. Like the man who’d fathered her, it was a streak that could hurt her in hockey—and hurt her even more in life.