Be A Doll: A Carter Manor Novel

by Stephanie Witter

  “Why are you telling me this now?’’ I croaked, my eyes still glued to the park down below.

  “Your mother hasn’t been talking to me since that dinner after your wedding.’’ He sighed deeply. “She only talked to me today to tell me about her worries for you. I wasn’t sure her fretting was warranted until I walked in here.’’

  “No need to be worried.’’ I pushed away from the window and went back to the couch, letting myself drop on it, sprawling on the sectional without much care of what I looked like. My fogged up mind was too taken by all that my father said, giving me a new perspective to work with. I didn’t know how it made me feel as I had been already so damn lost before he came here with his pristine suit and concern for me.

  “When are you going to live your life, Mathis?’’

  I glared at him over my shoulder, watching like a hawk as he made his way back to the armchair. He wasn’t intimidated in the least and sent me an equally dark look my way. Somehow, it made me feel safer to getting back on hostile grounds because that was something I knew by heart.

  “Don’t start on me. Not now.’’

  He put his forearms on his thighs and leaned forward, his eyes on me, prodding without care. “Since you were thirteen you’ve been trying to emulate Max and now that you could have something for yourself, love and happiness you deny yourself. When are you going to live your life?’’ He pushed on and the silence that fell after his repeated question left too much room for me to think, to wonder, to question myself and hyperventilate.

  I forced air down my lungs with deep, even breaths, fighting off the panic rising right under my father’s nose when I had spent years hiding them, working around them so as not to show any weakness. Lila had derailed everything. No, that wasn’t fair.

  I let her derail me because a big part of me begged to be set free, to stop that damn charade swallowing more and more of my damn core.

  “You should go,’’ I said, voice hoarse as my breathing slowly got back under control, but the dark, haunted look on my father’s face, deepening his wrinkles so much and stealing his colors told me that he didn’t miss a thing.

  He was seeing how fucked up his thirty-two-year-old son was when he’d been blind to it for two decades.

  “I was against your wife because I thought she was a tool for you and nothing else, because I also thought she was nothing more than a gold digger who sold her body to get prestige and a fat bank account, but I wonder now if I didn’t let my issues blindside me like everything else in my life. You’ve never listened to me, Mathis, but for once I hope you will. You can live without her in your life, but you owe it to yourself to let her decide what she wants. Down the road, you need to make sure letting her go without telling her how you feel won’t bring you any regrets.’’

  “I… can’t,’’ I whispered, my voice so damn broken it shook and quivered. My fingers dug in the leather of the couch. “It’s too damn much.’’

  “It’s never too much,’’ my father quietly said. “Connecting with someone is never too much. That connection won’t be lost like what you had with Max.’’

  “How do you…’’ I trailed off, my voice so damn small that at any other time I would have cringed, but right now it only made me wish a time when my worries were nothing more than being denied a second cookie and getting up to steal one more for me and Max.

  “I know you, Mathis. You’re my son and nothing will change that. I know who you are in there.’’ He patted over his chest, right where his heart beat. “Go find your wife and talk to her. We both know that if that wasn’t what you wanted you would already have sent her preliminary papers to sign. Your mother told me you didn’t.’’

  “It’s useless.’’ I rubbed at my eyes, feeling color rising in my cheeks when the moisture there dampened my fingers. “Shit, I’m so pathetic. I’m a mess over a woman.’’

  “Not just a woman. She’s your wife. Believe me, I wouldn’t be functioning without your mother. I need to repair what I’ve been breaking all these years.’’

  “Mom loves you.’’

  He nodded with a small smile more sad than anything else. “I know, but she’s been the only one doing all the work. Don’t make the same mistake, Mathis. Show your wife that you’re willing to go to great lengths to keep her in your life. Show her your heart.’’

  “She doesn’t feel the same.’’ I shook my head. “Lila is one of a kind. You don’t know her, but she’s incredible. She should have the kind of life she’s always dreamed of.’’

  “Then give her that life yourself. Court her as if you just met her. You’re known in business to have the kind of determination nobody can break and that you achieve everything you set your mind on. It’s time to use that for something you truly want, someone you love. You do love her, don’t you?’’

  I stared at my father in the eyes, letting him see the agony inside of me. “I do. She brought me back to life.’’

  “Then go. Sober up and find her.’’

  ***

  LILA

  I stared one last time at the building of the Museum of Fine Arts and turned around to walk away, no more cheered up than before. Even the best pieces of art hadn’t been able to get me out of the sadness permeating my very skin, choking me until I saw nothing but gray and darkness, shadows, memories of the possibilities that would never become true.

  Head down to stare at the pavement, I mindlessly counted the cracks under my feet, trying everything to keep my mind occupied.

  One. Two. Three. Four.

  “Lila.’’

  I stopped immediately, my mind completely empty. My head shot upward, my eyes scanning the people walking around me until I located the person with such a familiar voice, a voice that both made my heart leap and intensified my pain.

  “Mathis?’’ I blinked, unsure if my lack of sleep was finally catching up to me and giving me hallucinations. “Wh-what are you doing here?’’ I stepped closer and when his cologne hit my nostrils I knew he was real. My fingers tingled with the need to brush his dark beard, more unkempt than the one hipsters paraded around. Then, reality shoved me and made me realize that there could only be one reason of his presence in Boston, right here in front of me. He tracked me down, went to great lengths to find me immediately, probably too busy to wait for me at the inn. Mathis Grimes wasn’t a man to wait around for other people’s agenda. He took things in charge and imposed his own timetable. “You have something I need to sign for the divorce.’’

  “Aren’t you going to bite my head off for tracking you down?’’ he asked, a timid smile on his lips, lips even now I wanted to taste, to feel on mine and all over my body.

  That smile killed me a little more on the inside, putting on display how this separation affected me a lot more than him. I was tempted to think it hadn’t been affecting him at all, but the dark rings under his eyes made me reconsider. Unless they came from a sleepless night of sex with some woman.

  “Give me the papers to sign and go. I can’t do this.’’ I looked away and watched the cars driving by, the few bikes silently weaving through traffic. Anything was better than staring at the man I loved, a man I had but was losing just as I thought I would have more of him for a while longer. A man I now knew played with my heartstrings like a master puppeteer as if it meant nothing, as if I meant nothing. I had been a tool all along and he made me forget it for a very brief but intense moment.

  “I don’t have any papers,’’ he said, voice quiet and the hesitancy I heard made me look back, brows furrowed.

  With his hands in his coat pockets, his coat opened over a simple black sweater and a pair of jeans I never would have guess he owned, I was taken aback. Who was this man before me? He looked like another version of my soon to be ex-husband, a man a lot more rough around the edges, less assured and without the pretense of control and distance. On this sidewalk, a handsome man stood with eyes as intense as ever, burning through me as if unearthing everything I kept inside, my feelings for him inclu
ded.

  “I don’t understand,’’ I quietly said, afraid to say anything, scared to death to hear what he had to say. I was too tender from our last talk at his place to hear more, to listen to him rationalizing a situation that was too fucked up to describe. I had no doubt that if he opened his mouth I wouldn’t be able to contain my tears this time. I had no strength left. I was empty of everything, so empty that I barely had enough to feel lost. To feel lost you had to be aware that you were going in the wrong direction or that you were at the wrong place. I had nothing to tell me that. I was truly empty.

  “We should go back to the inn you’re staying at,’’ he said, his eyes leaving me to take in the people walking by and the traffic in the street along with the tourists talking fast and loud as they gathered around someone holding a selfie stick in front of the sign of the Museum of Fine Art.

  “What for? I don’t get it, Mathis. What do you want from me?’’ The begging tone of my voice didn’t make me grimace, but the look in his eyes tugged a gasp out of me. His deep, dark eyes begged me to follow him, to listen to him. He wouldn’t force me to listen, wouldn’t order me around by using his upper hand in our relationship just to toy with me a bit more. He let me decide, but silently begged me to listen to him. “I can’t get you to my room.’’

  “Why not?’’ he asked, eyes now staring over my shoulder, releasing me from their intense hold.

  I took another step toward him, getting closer to his warmth, to his body I knew so well but wanted to know better still. I gravitated toward him as if I was the satellite to his planet, never far and always nearby. “I have no memory of you at the inn.’’ I stared at his mouth, his dark pink lips slightly parted. My own tingled as if Mathis’ touch was ghosting over them. “Don’t you see how difficult all of this is for me or maybe it’s just that you don’t care?’’

  He bent down and brought his face closer to mine, tantalizing me, torturing me with thoughts of kissing him, of reaching an inch or two upward to put my mouth on his and lose myself into him one more time. “Why is it difficult?’’

  I jutted my chin. “Why are you here?’’

  We glared at each other, unmoving, unblinking. Tension rose inside me, reminiscent to the tension I felt back in New York with Mathis. That scared me, that scared me a lot, but not enough to make me step back and look away. Instead, I bit on my lip and breathed in until his cologne pushed away the smell of exhaust and other city smells.

  “I want to kiss you so damn bad, Lila,’’ he growled, his voice so dark and dripping with lust that I stopped breathing.

  “What?’’

  “You heard me.’’ He snaked a hand behind my head to delve into my hair and grip the back of my neck. I had no idea if my shiver came from his cold fingers against my skin or his touch itself, but his touch brought my whole body to life starting with tingles all over my skin, desire pooling in my stomach and my breasts getting heavier in my bra. “I want to kiss you, touch you, take you.’’

  “Is that why you’re here? A booty call?’’ Instead of pulling back, I put a hand over his strong forearm, gripping him through the thick fabric of his coat, wistfully willing his warmth to reach my palm.

  “I don’t ever think of you that way,’’ he growled and got closer until his forehead touched mine. Once again he invaded me, taking over my whole world to become the only presence I saw, the only presence I cared about. I had no control over it, no idea of how to extricate myself from his call. “You’re so much more than a booty call, Lila. You’re my wife, you’re—‘’

  “Not for much longer,’’ I cut him off, my voice cold again as reality fought to get me back on track, to remind me that while I didn’t do what needed to be done to keep my heart safe, I needed to protect what was left of me even if I was just a shell of a person now. That was still something.

  I heard his breathing hitch, felt his hand trembling on the back of my neck, saw the stricken expression on his face deepening the small lines there as if he aged right in front of my very eyes.

  “I have something to tell you, Lila. Let’s not do this on the sidewalk.’’

  “You told me to leave because I wasn’t needed anymore, Mathis. What’s left to say? I don’t care of the finer details of what I’m entitled to get out of this marriage. I really don’t, so do whatever you want and—‘’

  He stopped me with a bruising kiss, his lips frozen on mine, coaxed me to open for his tongue. I didn’t put up any resistance and I moaned into his mouth when his tongue caressed mine, taking over my whole perception of what was around us, what I should do. I let him sweep me off my feet, circling his neck with my arms, enveloping him in my arms as he did the same with me, clutching onto my back as if I was trying to escape him when I tried to get even closer, plastering myself to his front until I felt his heaving chest under mine.

  His hand in my hair directed my head up as he deepened the kiss, nibbling on my lower lip again and again, earning himself more begging sounds from deep inside of me, the same place where I hurt, the same place where I shattered two weeks ago and one day exactly when he threw me out.

  I pushed at his shoulders, but he didn’t release me. I pushed harder.

  “No,’’ he said against my lips. “No, Lila.’’

  “Stop,’’ I said, my mouth then shutting tightly.

  He pressed his forehead against mine but stopped kissing me. His eyes were closed, but I saw the pained expression on his face and once again I couldn’t stay untouched. I toyed with the lapels of his coat, doing my best to avoid embracing him again.

  “You have to feel that tension between us, that need. I can’t be the only one going crazy because of it.’’ He locked his eyes on mine.

  “It’s lust.’’

  “For you maybe,’’ he retorted, voice hoarse. His hands on me shook more. “To me it’s love.’’

  My mouth dropped open but no words left it. The cold air iced my throat, but I was unable to seal my lips shut. My brain was stuck on his words, on one word really. My fingers tugged on his coat then, pulling him closer to me. “Don’t play with me, Mathis.’’

  At his name, his nostrils flared and his fingers dug into me through my heavy coat. It still had an effect on him when I said his name and that fact thrilled me, coaxing my heart into beating faster still until my ribs bruised and the pumping muscle ached.

  “I’m not playing. It’d be so much easier if I weren’t falling in love with you, Lila. The very first time you went off on me you had me. I’ve been so obsessed and since you left I’ve been in a very dark place. I can’t eat properly, I drink too much, I can’t sleep for shit and I haven’t been able to do my job. Nothing makes sense anymore and everywhere I look I think of you. The apartment has been suffocating me and yet I wanted to stay in there because I still felt you, I smelled your perfume everywhere.’’ He cupped my face in his big hands, his thumbs caressing my cheekbones so softly it made me shiver. “I’m a damn fool in love.’’

  “You told me to leave.’’

  “I wanted to give you what you wanted.’’

  “What? I never said that I wanted to leave, Mathis. I felt something switching between us. I thought…’’ I trailed off, tears fogging up my vision. “And then you said you wanted a divorce. I can’t let you toy with my feelings.’’

  “I’m not toying with your feelings.’’ He kissed my forehead, the tip of my nose, my top lip. His beard was foreign on my skin, but the way he kissed me reminded me of that time after what had happened on the couch. “I know you want the freedom to build your own life away from anything reminding you of your past on the streets and Carter Manor. I know you want to get a choice in every aspect of your life. You deserve that and…’’

  He was the one not finishing his sentence then, but he didn’t need to.

  “You wanted to give me that chance,’’ I whispered, voice shaking as I caressed his cheek and his beard with one hand and put the other one over his heart under his open coat. It was beating hard under my
palm, so fast that it rivaled with my own. It made me want to believe him, to throw caution to the wind and launch myself into his arms, but my badly shattered heart held me back. “I didn’t have a choice, though.’’

  “I didn’t want to keep you in my life when I loved you and I knew you didn’t feel the same. It hurt to think that you wouldn’t really fall for me like I was falling for you, but then I pushed you away and discovered what it was like to lose you completely. It hurt so damn bad, Lila. My heart was burned to ashes and the wounds left behind kept on bleeding everyday, every hour, every minute, every second. It never stopped hurting, not once during the past two weeks and one day. I’m asking for a chance to show you that a life with me could be good. I want to get a chance at love with you and give you everything you ever dreamed of and more.’’ He traced my lips with his thumb. “You gave my life back and forced me to start shedding the façade I had on in a sordid way to remember my brother, so let me give you the happiness you deserve. I’ll never be easy to live with and I know I won’t be able not to toy with you just to see the fire inside you burn brighter, but I can give you my heart, my body, my damn soul. I’ll give you everything, Lila, because all I have means nothing if I can’t share it with you.’’

  “But—‘’

  He put his thumb back on my lips and shook his head once. “Look in my eyes, Lila. You can read me a lot better than I’m comfortable with. Tell me you don’t see that I love you. Tell me you don’t see the signs of someone suffering from missing you. Tell me you can’t see I broke my own damn heart.’’ His eyes trailed over my face, starting with my eyes and then down to stop on my mouth and then up again. “Is there a chance that I can stay in your life and show you the kind of life I can give you? Is there a small chance that you want me in your life?’’