Without Knowing (When You Wake Book 1)

by Ashley Parker

  “Sounds like a plan.” I smiled.

  He slid his fingers along my stocking. “I’m used to a boot.”

  “Me too, now I’ll have to find something else to beat you with.” I looked down at him.

  “Well, I guess I’ll just have to be good from now on, won’t I?” He poked me in my side. I tugged on his ear sending him into a full on tickle fest.

  I jumped out of my seat and ran around the table, laughing as I tried to dart away from him, but he was a speedy little devil. I was in his arms screaming with laughter.

  “Seth just wanted to say his goodbyes, Eva,” Dr. Nyssa yelled over our laughter. Her eyes darkened as they watched us from the entrance of the dining room.

  We caught our breath and walked towards the awkwardly angry couple holding bags. How long did he think he was going to be here? There were enough bags for a near permanent stay.

  “Seth, it was a pleasure having you. We appreciate all your hard work.” Caleb shook his hand.

  “Yes, and thank you for all of your help,” I added, enjoying my clear and happy thoughts too much to reach my hand out.

  “Yes, Sir. I hope you’ll find use for me again.” Seth tipped his imaginary hat as he always did and left. Dr. Nyssa glared at us long enough for it to register her distaste and proceeded to follow Seth.

  The poor woman pined for one and melted for the other. I’m not sure she knew how it worked, you can only have one. Moments like this made me wonder who was really in whose way.

  “I’ll race you?” And Caleb was off towards the den before it registered he wasn’t actually asking.

  Chapter 6

  Water-Fall

  I found my sleep adjusting well to Seth’s absence. The nightmares I blamed on Seth’s arrival disappeared instantly and the inability to wake myself had passed. My internal alarm clock was back to the odd hour of 5:30 for no particular reason, but I tossed and turned until 8:30 most mornings.

  This morning turned into another slow roll off the couch and onto the den floor. I was alone again after falling asleep in Caleb’s strong arms. Last night, like the last several nights, became another dramatic moment between Caleb and Dr. Nyssa while I watched 90% of the first movie on my own.

  I always offered to leave when he came back upset, but he insisted that we enjoy the rest of the night. He was in the mood to talk and started to rant about the movie when really he was talking about her.

  I still wasn’t sure what was going on between them. They weren’t together and argued like they never were or maybe they just tried too long. I didn’t know, but I was finding myself in a gray area.

  Regardless, I was waking up after not having sex with the guy to an empty couch, but I still felt like I was doing the walk of shame any time I left the den alone. Caleb was always gone before I woke up and he always used the excuse that he needed to finish up some work. He actually looked guilty when we fell asleep together, but he never tried anything, not since I stopped him during our first slumber party.

  I did my best to keep my hands on my side of the couch, but I always ended up in his arms by the morning. If Dr. Nyssa and Caleb would just keep to their corners, I might lose all self-control and jump his bones. But my vulnerability was now in wanting to keep some dignity and enjoy the time I we shared together.

  None of what Caleb and I was doing made much sense to me. It should, we were watching movies and talking about his relationship with Dr. Nyssa in the unhealthiest way - indirectly. He insisted that they were not together, but the jealously I felt when he left the room to argue with her, it was concerning that it bothered me so much.

  I wanted to understand why it mattered that he was fighting with her when he could be laughing with me. I wanted to understand why he wasn’t there when I woke up. In the moments I ran into Dr. Nyssa, I wish I understood it all.

  “Eva, sleep in the den again last night?” Dr. Nyssa asked as I exited the den doors.

  “Yep.” I tried to dodge her with great difficulty.

  “With Caleb?” she asked.

  “Yep.” I climbed the stairs.

  “You see how inappropriate that is, don’t you?” She babbled on like the preppy girl who wore the poodle dresses back in the fifties.

  “Sure.” She followed me down the hall towards my room.

  “And yet, you still do it,” she tried to sound disappointed.

  “Yep.” I opened my door.

  “Don’t you think if he really cared for you, he would actually have the decency to bring you up to his bedroom and screw you there?” Her wicked smile was a punch in the gut.

  “Great.” We were watching movies. We didn’t get naked or touch each other’s naughty parts, even if that’s what I hoped for every night. But there was no need for me to be in his room, obviously.

  “So you are sleeping with him?”

  “Sleeping, yep.”

  “Don’t play games with me. Don’t you have anything to say for yourself?”

  “Nope.” I shut the door in her face.

  I fell backwards on my bed half expecting her to follow me into my room. Thankfully, she got the hint just to leave, but because of her interruption, I felt like I was forgetting something. It was a feeling I’d been having on and off for over a month. It was hard to remember the something I forgot that I couldn’t remember until I remembered.

  I laid in bed thinking about every possibility. The last few days became a sort of routine. We ate at a certain time; I went to the gym, the pool, for a walk around the grounds, sat in the gazebo. Everything was laid out nice and neat and yet every day I felt like I was forgetting to do something.

  Even as I showered, I placed each product in line to see if I was forgetting to use one of them. Throughout the day, I paid extra close attention to see if I was missing a step. To no success, I stopped to think back on Dr. Nyssa’s banter in the hall during my undeserving walk of shame.

  Even her banters were becoming part of our routine. Her lack of effort was noticed as well as my lack of caring showed that we were growing tired of this game. Regardless, even our arguing wasn’t the thing I was missing. I don’t think anyone could miss that.

  Downstairs was a rush of staff moving from room to room. Maids were cleaning every inch of every room, butlers were spouting out orders, and the rest of the staff carried trays towards the office areas.

  “Oh yes, just the person I was looking for.” Dr. Nyssa stepped in my path between the elevator and kitchen.

  “We just did this like twenty minutes ago, right? Or is this that nightmare where you have a twin sister who comes to live with us?”

  Today, she seemed taller, or I felt smaller. The flow of her long thick blonde hair differed from my thin dark brown hair.

  “You know what I can’t seem to understand about you, Eva?”

  “Oh, please do tell, Caroline.” Yes, this is how we were playing this game.

  “You insist on playing this innocence card and yet you’re stealing him from me,” she whispered.

  Before I could find my footing and really understand what she was saying, Caleb called out from the end of the hall.

  “And how are my favorite girls today?” Caleb walked down the hall dodging trays and people.

  “Lovely.” I smiled sarcastically.

  “And you, Dr. Nyssa?” he asked.

  “Great.” She fluttered her eyes like an adolescent. Her tune was about to change.

  “Well, I have decided that it was time this house had a celebration.” He smiled.

  “What’s there to celebrate?” Caroline’s eyes widened.

  “After a long few months, I think we should throw a little get together to celebrate Eva’s recovery.”

  The stone cold look on her face nearly sent me to floor with laughter. I held in my amusement to address Caleb.

  “Err, are you sure you want to do that? I mean, who would we even invite?” I asked.

  “It would be us and the staff, of course. I know how private you like things. After all, t
hey are your friends too. This will help to reacquaint you with everyone.” Caleb placed my hand in his.

  I didn’t even think of having friends. Bernard was the only person in the staff I spoke to. Most of the others kept their distance; or rather, I kept my distance from them. I had no ill feelings towards them - I preferred the spotlight to be on someone else, but maybe this house was due for some fun.

  “Sure, why not? A party it is!” I spoke with mellowed excitement.

  “Fantastic. Tonight will be spectacular. Dress to impress, my dear.” Caleb’s lips on the back of my hand sent wonderful, yet frightening feelings through my body.

  “Wait, tonight?” Caroline spoke.

  “Yes, is there a problem?” Caleb asked.

  “Well, that’s awfully short notice for the staff.” Caroline was stuffy and her attitude took center stage.

  “They recommended we have the party tonight. They started preparations as soon as we ended our meeting this morning.”

  “And what if some of us have plans tonight?” Caroline stood between us; I was on her left, Caleb on her right.

  “I suppose you change them or simply don’t come,” he spoke seemingly without a care as to her attendance.

  “Caleb!” she stomped her foot, the echo bounced in the halls. The staff stopped to watch the display momentarily.

  “Care to take this somewhere else?” His eyebrow arched.

  “No, I do not. We can speak here. After all, she is why we are arguing, again.”

  “Do not make a fool of yourself. It’s not flattering,” he spoke calmly over her right shoulder.

  “Excuse me, if there is an issue with this party, we don’t have to have one.” I held up one finger.

  “Oh no, you will not play the victim, Eva.” Caleb slide between Caroline and me. Her finger managed to point around at me.

  “I’m not trying to cause any problems here.” I looked around Caleb to see Caroline.

  I took no pleasure in the argument. I didn’t like being referred to as a victim, nor did I care to witness just exactly how I weaved into their little spats.

  “But you are and you know it!” her voice squeaked, her foot stomped again.

  “I didn’t ask for the party, he offered one.” I held my hands up.

  “And of course, you would allow people to fuss over you at the last minute. Make your friends feel obligated to buy your affection after you’ve so rudely ignored them.”

  I stopped and looked around at the staring faces. They were so unfamiliar. I couldn’t repeat a single name. There wasn’t a mental picture of the wallets full of pictures of their kids. I couldn’t replay the stories of how they met their spouses. The anecdotes of where they grew up or why they moved here were misplaced. I knew none of them.

  My cheeks burned red with embarrassment as the failed recollection left me empty handed in the face of my current battle. What was I doing here at all? It had been nearly three months and I had only learned one of their names in that time.

  I was walking - just barely. I could write with my right hand again. And my goal to boot a member of the staff was a success, but I still couldn’t really remember a damn thing.

  “You’re right. Have the party, but not on my account.” I stared down unable to look at anyone. “I’m not feeling very well. I think I’ll go lie down.”

  I moved up the stairs, taking each step with care. It was at the top of the stairs that I was able to concentrate on the emptiness behind me. I hoped I wasn’t being followed. If I had been followed, they would know I wasn’t as strong as I managed in my final session with Seth.

  The waves streaking through my vision made it difficult to walk straight down the long hallway with a little assistance from the walls. The static brewing in my chest wasn’t from the booby traps put in place to prevent my exit.

  I stood in front of my bedroom door, my hand clear of the knob. I glanced down the hall, still without witnesses. I knew I needed to remove myself from the public venue. As I burst through my door, the snow-covered trees filled my room. The something I had been forgetting suddenly filled my room.

  I stood in my room surrounded by the cold forest. It was thirty seconds this time, a full thirty seconds from the start of the waves in the hall to room forest filled room. I still didn’t feel like I was somewhere remembering something like a memory. I still didn’t feel like I was sleeping and nothing was real like a dream. They pulled me when they wanted me, showed me what they wanted to show me

  The door I’d just come through was now covered in vines, a large tree trunk growing behind it. The brisk air filled my lungs and with it the intensity of static to electrocution.

  The feeling branched from my lungs, crawling through every vein and organ of my body. My knees weakening as the sensation exploded from my fingers, the pressure in my eyes building.

  I grabbed my head shuffling backwards through my room, kicking snow onto my feet, soaking my socks. Then, the socks disappeared and the pain stopped

  “Eva!” a familiar voice called.

  “I’m here!” I opened my eyes. My dirty brown dress was damp from the falling snow.

  “Evalynn!” Another deeper voice called.

  Each voice echoed in opposite directions with no one in sight. I attempted to control my steps, my voice, but once again, I was merely a guest pulled into this world.

  I was back on the same covered path just like before, when I woke up in the clinic. Things were a little familiar and even though I was still lost, I knew now that someone was searching for me.

  “Eva!” the familiar male voice grew closer.

  The feelings of hope fluttered in my stomach at the sound of his voice. I was drawn to that man calling for me. He was the person I wanted to find me.

  I felt the days of cold wearing on my body. How long had I been out here?

  “Evalynn, there you are?!” My relief sank.

  Before I could understand the acid burning a hole in my chest, I was running fast and far. . His hard steps chased behind me through the large maze of trees, splashing through the tiny creeks and over leaves and branches.

  "Evalynn! I don't think you know what you're doing," his booming voice echoed in the forest.

  My loss of breath made it difficult to respond. My tears froze in midair as the feelings of life and death consumed me.

  "Evalynn! If you stop now, I will be lenient," and for I moment, my legs hesitated at his offer.

  My choice was made for me as I was forced to stop by the edge of a very long drop. I struggled to keep my balance when a tug of my dress pulled me from teetering along the line of death. Falling back into his arms, I was relieved.

  "Evalynn." I cringed knowing he caught up to me.

  "Please," I panted struggling out of his grasp.

  "Please what? Have mercy on you?" He stood much taller than I. Scooting backwards I was trapped between the edge and his unforgiving glare.

  "Please, don't hurt me," my small voice was begging.

  "I'm sorry, Evalynn. I cannot allow you to continue to defy me. You ran from your home. From us. From me. I cannot allow you to come back until you have been punished for your infractions."

  "No, I'm begging you," I groveled at his feet knowing what he was capable of, what he was going to do to me. For a moment, I was terrified.

  "You have been hiding from us here in this very unsafe forest with a boy, a boy who is not of our faith. Living in sin," he shuddered, shaking his head, eyes pinched shut.

  "No, I have been out here alone, he was just trying to help me."

  "You were to marry my son, Evalynn. What will he think of your adultery?"

  "I love your son. That will never change."

  "And you left him just as well. What game are you playing here?"

  Pulling me up by my hair, I met his dark, soulless eyes. A swift swing brought me to my knees; tears bury my face in salty stains.

  I peered at him through my rapidly blinking eyes, fearful of what he was doing with the belt
he whipped through the loops of his pants. "Now, what do you have to say for yourself?"

  Slowly, he wrapped the black leather belt around his right hand. My silence warranted a slap across the face. "What do you want me to say?" I coughed, blood spraying into my hands.

  "Are you talking back to me?" He stood, the tightness in his jaw more pronounced. Holding the belt at his side, uncoiled from his fist.

  I had no strength. I had been running for miles, my stomach empty, and my mouth dry.

  I tried to understand everything that was happening, who this man was, why he was being so cruel to me. He was being so cruel.

  "No, you wouldn't talk back to me, now would you?" He stroked my cheek still pained by his leathery fist.

  I continued to watch from afar, I was stubborn. "I don't love you, I don't like you, and I would die before I come back," confidence erupted from a void in the pit of my stomach.

  "Oh, that could be arranged." He reached for my hair once again dragging me to the edge of the cliff. The rocks scrapped against my bare legs, some stayed in place, and others rolled along with me. I wondered if they wanted my fate.

  Exhaustion weakened me further. Nausea overwhelmed my senses. APOLOGIZE! I screamed. No one could hear me.

  "Do you really think you can break the rules and turn your back on our faith and not have to atone for your disloyalty?”

  "Is this about your rules, your faith, or loyalty? Make up your mind," I snapped.

  His hand tightened in my hair and with one swift movement, he threw me to the ground. Clumps of hair twirled in his hand. Patches of my head felt the sting as blood dripped down my face. He said nothing as he lashed the belt buckle first, across my face.

  "PSYCHO!" I yelled as the gut wrenching pain burned under my tears.

  He continued to whip me listing my infractions. I curled into a ball - his list became repetitive. I held my head hoping to drown out the awful screams, but the awful screams were coming from me. I lost count after Seventy-Three.

  "Ready to come back and apologize to your congregation for what you've done."