Without Knowing (When You Wake Book 1)

by Ashley Parker

  I looked around again, my eyes falling heavily against their will. Everything looked different, even with my inebriated eyes; I knew this wasn’t the same front door when I was pulled to that first meeting with Caleb.

  I blinked and landed on the unkind rug of the house. I hardly had a chance to freak out about the hand over my mouth or muscles pulling me backwards into the house.

  “Are you stupid?” The door slammed behind Caleb.

  His harshness took a minute to register.

  “You had the entire grounds to go as you pleased and you chose to disobey my one fucking request by walking out the front door?”

  I felt tiny, even in comparison to how I felt near Caroline tonight. The smallest I remember feeling in my life was at this moment.

  “Stand UP!” he yelled. The glittery and itchy guests gathered near the stairway on the dining room side of the main entrance.

  I stood on display; my chin pressed into my chest, my eyes at my feet, my wrist holding the other. I slumped the closer he stood.

  “We threw this party for you and you decide to wander outside. You thought it was smart to put yourself and every one of us in danger?”

  My appearance was ragged. The handmade dress was torn, scuffed, and covered in dirt from being dragged into the house. I stood without support hose unlike the other women. My hair was entangled in itself and leaves added to the decorations. I was in the center of the room being scolded as if I were stealing from their expensive pockets.

  “What could have possibly possessed you to go outside? Did you just not have enough drama in your schedule for today?”

  I stood as Caleb’s words began to swirl with the whispers behind me. Caleb and Caroline’s faces were hidden by fog. I rather enjoyed their faces unseen and unheard. I started laughing uncontrollably, without reason.

  “Off with her head!” I shouted. I couldn’t help myself. If I was going to be belittled and treated like this, the drunkenness wanted a few words.

  “Is there something funny about this?” Caroline stood next to Caleb.

  “Have you had your boobs done?” The crowd gasped. “Cause they didn’t look like that when I met you.” I pointed probably too closely to her chest.

  “Eva, are you drunk?” Caleb asked in a low voice.

  “When did you get here?” I grabbed Bernard’s glass of Champagne and finished what was left for him.

  “Okay, I think it’s time we took you upstairs.”

  “Wait, it was okay to embarrass me, but now that I’m embarrassing pretty pants it’s time to go upstairs?”

  “Eva, room!” Caleb yelled.

  “Oh, but the party’s just getting started,” I pouted.

  I struggled against him snatching another glass of Champagne from one of the guests happily watching. It was the first real smiles I’d seen from them tonight.

  “Let me tell you, best raspberries.” I laughed as Caleb tossed me over his shoulder.

  Up the stairs and down the hall, I stared as Caleb’s butt bounce deliciously.

  “You just wanted me to see your tushy from this angle,” I giggled still holding my glass.

  “Just zip it, please.” He pushed my door open and placed me on my bed.

  “Hey, not ready to sleep!” I stood up finishing the last of my drink.

  “And that’s enough of that.” Caleb took the glass from me a drop too late.

  “Great, refill me up, please!”

  “No, I think you’re done.” He pushed me back onto the edge of the bed.

  “So, back to the party.” I stood up from the bed heading towards the door.

  Caleb pulled my hand, spinning me into his arms. One hand pushed the back of my head into his lips, stopping my laughter. He drew me in deeper, forcing his tongue into my mouth. With his other hand pushing the bottom of my back against his growing pants, I responded briefly until; the humiliation, the lies, the jewelry, Caroline’s cockiness, and the red dress all came flashing across my eyelids.

  “No! No!” I shoved him away, punching his chest until he was out of my reach.

  I wiped my lips and straightened my already ruined dress. Caleb stood near the fireplace, his eyes closed, and his hands in his hair. He paced as if he thought I didn’t remember him, all over again.

  “No, you don’t get to do that down there and do this to me here. No, you can’t do this. NO!” I screamed. Tears streamed down my face.

  “I’m sorry. I told myself I would never do that again, that I would never push. I told myself I would wait for you to come to me.” I was looking at the ground under his feet.

  “You let me go down there, wearing this dress, knowing what she was going to show up in the same thing. You bought her that damn dress and I get hand-me-downs. Then you do that, as if I’ll roll over for you. Am I just some fucking joke to you people? Is that what tonight was for you, just a game, some kind of amusement ride?”

  His head shot up, his wide eyes fixated on me. He stood still, his pacing placed on hold.

  “Eva, you are not a joke.”

  “Really, because I sure as hell feel like one, I walked into that party looking like a dollar bill compared those jewels. This dress wasn’t in my closet before. She gets that and I get this?” I waved my hand alongside my hip. “If you were trying to put me in my place or make me feel like shit, it worked.”

  “It wasn’t my intention…”

  “You leave me to remember on my own. I wake up alone in the den like some dirty screw…without the screw! And then you have me fight my own battles with Caroline, but our fights are about you. And look where I am now. She’s winning. Hell, I’m sure she’s already won,” my words grew quiet.

  A knock at my door frayed my nerves.

  “What!” I yelled, barely holding myself together.

  The door opened and if it couldn’t get worse, it was about to.

  “Caroline, right now is not a good time.” Caleb stopped when he noticed the package wrapped in purple with a bow made of gold, she carried into the room.

  “It was on the table…”

  “I told you never to let her see these.” He grabbed Caroline by the arm, ripping the package from her hands.

  “Wait, was is that?” I pulled the present from under his arm.

  He tried to take it from me, but I was ready to play with the grenade. “Don’t, Eva.”

  “They’ve been coming for some time,” Caroline spoke. Caleb glared at her. “She needs to know.”

  “What are they?” I opened the gift slowly.

  “The reason we’ve been keeping you here,” Caleb sighed.

  No, someone trying to take my innocence while I stare down death is a reason to hide me in a mansion. Pretty things wrapped in bows are meant to be gifts.

  Flashes of falling off a cliff after some nut tried to strangle me with a belt made it harder to breathe.

  “I’ve never seen one show up so fast,” Caroline whispered.

  “Who found it?” Caleb asked.

  “Bernard. At the front door,” she responded quickly.

  “It’s beautiful,” I reached to pull out the gift.

  “Don’t touch it!” Caleb took the box from me.

  “Alright, game’s over. What the hell is going on?”

  As much as I wished I were sober, the fuzziness from the Champagne was creeping up on me again. Caleb’s tongue roaming in my mouth made me nauseous.

  “I’m handling it,” Caleb said simply.

  “Just tell her,” Caroline said.

  Caroline standing smug and unafraid made me curious. Caleb’s anger and pile of secrets pissed me off. I was a ball of mixed emotions and they were only fueling the fire of confusion.

  “Two against one. Tell me.” If I was going to side with Caroline, it would be for my benefit.

  “That’s not how this house works.” Caleb had this look about him, where his lips curled into a smile, but his eyes were secretly plotting a way to kill us both.

  “Funny, I thought this was about
me.”

  “It’s more than just you, sweetheart.” Caleb walked to the door.

  “I’ll be leaving in the morning,” I blurted. I had no idea what I was saying, but if I had to find answers on my own, it would be sooner rather than later - even if I wasn’t ready to find them. “I’m done. I’m tired of being lied to. That’s all you’ve done for months, the both of you. I appreciate the roof over my head, but it’s time I move on.” I spoke with an uncertain confidence.

  Caleb stopped and turned around slowly. I stood my ground only to realize I had no leg to stand on.

  “You think you have a choice? You think you can just walk out of here when you choose?” He smiled, his eyes darkened. “You don’t get to choose. I was given the task to protect you from what’s out there. I’m supposed to keep you safe from the crazy that sends you these.” He held up the box, walking closer to me. “I do not have a choice. I have given you a nice home to live in and a staff to cater to you. I don’t have to do that.” He pointed to himself, as his voice grew louder. “As long as you’re safe, I can keep you in a box if I wanted, but I don’t. I choose to allow you the luxuries; because I care enough that you’re happy, as well as safe.”

  I studied him. His chest rose and fell in a quick repetition. His shaky fingers gripped the box tighter. His jaw line that usually wiggled his ears when he smiled was a solid firmness I’d never seen before.

  The sound of his words came from a place I could not understand. It wasn’t his intention to yell at me. Something about what just happened eased me, calmed me. I didn’t want to question him tonight, I didn’t need to tonight. He believed the words he was telling me. I believed him, for now.

  “So, remember that we all don’t have the choices we wish we had. We have our roles to play. I wish I could give you every answer you seek, but I cannot. That is not my choice.” He straightened his jacket. “Open your eyes, Eva. This isn’t a game. No one here is playing a game.”

  And with that, Caleb left. Caroline followed behind, surprisingly leaving me without adding to my somber walls. I didn’t realize I was now sitting on my bed.

  I replayed Caleb’s words. It was easy to assume the crazies he was protecting me from had something to do with the man by the waterfall. Tonight, I wouldn’t ask. And he was right, he didn’t have to let me live in luxury.

  I rolled onto my side. Am I really just that clueless in all of this? I closed my eyes begging for sleep. My mind was exhausted. I didn’t know how long I had been asleep when I woke to the stinging feeling pulsating through me. It burned at my fingertips.

  Chapter 8

  War

  As painful as it was, I was happy to free it. Its intensity was familiar and I needed familiar even if my eyes felt like they were about to pop out of their sockets. It shook me to my core, but everything about it was oddly comforting.

  I stood on the steps of the mansion again, rain pouring, my feet covered in mud. It was a different entrance, like the Pull when I was still on my crutches.

  I expected Caleb on cue.

  “Hello?" Caleb opened the door slightly.

  Again, I was a visitor in this body.

  "Can I help you?"

  I stood without speaking, remembering how this was supposed to go.

  "Oh my, what happened to you?" Caleb's hands were on my face. I winced at that feeling radiating from his touch. My body vibrating from the inside out was an uncomfortable feeling, a painful feeling.

  "I'm sorry. Your house was the first I’ve come across," the words again were not mine, but the voice was all too familiar. I must have missed it before considering I didn’t know I should have been listening for it.

  "There aren't many places within a hundred miles of here. How long have you been driving?"

  "I didn't drive." Caleb's eyes followed the trickles of rain along my body to the bloody mess soaking into the dirty Welcome Home doormat.

  The torn yellow dress hanging from my shoulders looked similar in fashion to my dirty brown dress. This dress was longer and showed what this girl had been through in her journey to Caleb’s front door.

  "You've been walking? In this? With no shoes?" Caleb’s tone was concerned, but he also didn’t want to believe it.

  My head nodded in response. The movement stopped, but I attempted to move my head again, still without control over the body I was in. If I could control this body, I could control the feelings I was feeling because of it. I could stop feeling so desperate, so needy, and so lonely. I didn’t need any more of those feelings.

  "Miss?”

  “Caroline, Caroline Anyssian.” My name is Eva…it’s Eva. And this wasn’t how I met Caleb.

  “Come out of the rain. Let’s get you warmed up, Ms. Anyssian.”

  “Please, call me Nyssa.”

  * * * * * * *

  It was morning and the heavy fog of the night carried with me. I crawled into the shower and sat with my knees to my chest until the water went cold. I didn’t think I’d ever get used to the taste of my own foot.

  There was more to Caroline and I hated it. Why did it have to be like that? Why did she have to walk up to his porch looking like that, feeling like that? Of course she hates me. I took her savior away.

  I noticed a few more things that I hadn’t seen or heard during the first Pull; the difference in Caleb’s tone, the dress she was wearing, and her voice. I could understand missing things the first time around, it was a lot to take in. But why was I being shown any of it to begin with? What good did it do me to see how they met? Did I need to feel sorry for Caroline right now? Because that’s exactly what it did, it gave me a reason to be nicer to her, even when she was a bitch to me.

  I straightened myself, loosened my shoulders and put on a smile. I adjusted my walk, even as painful as it was, and headed for the common room. The new décor of men were actually a nice bonus to my very low day. I almost enjoyed the sight until a glimpse of the statue talking to Caleb caught my eye.

  “You have got to be kidding me?!” I didn’t care that the words jumped out of my mouth before I could catch them.

  “Don’t be rude, Eva. Dinner will be ready in a bit,” Caleb spoke as if nothing was wrong.

  Dinner? I must have spent more time in the shower than I thought.

  “What the hell is he doing back here?” I pointed to the man he was talking to.

  “Well since your little twirl in the courtyard, security is being…”

  “He is not working here again!” I stomped, nearly giving away my injury. Breathe. Take it easy. Keep it together.

  “You have no choice in the matter.” Caleb continued to shuffle through papers, shaking the hands of each man in line being added to the security detail.

  “I’m sure there’s someone else that can take his place?” I followed him.

  “He’s doing us a favor. This was short notice and with his training…”

  “This is no favor to me.” I crossed my arms in front of my chest.

  “Seth has combat training; he’s military. I couldn’t have asked for a better situation, Eva. He knows the grounds and knows the staff.”

  "I don't like him, Caleb," I blurted out, now wishing this argument were in private.

  It was bad enough I had to play teeter totter with Caroline every day. I wasn't about to put up with him again. The unkind familiar feeling of both Seth and Caroline was the least of my worries at this point. I wasn’t going anymore nights with Creepster in my head. No, my sleep was off limits.

  "Enough. He’s here. His abilities came highly recommended and I believe he will keep you safe. That's what matters."

  "I don't think so."

  "Look, I've dealt with enough of this little drama queen bullshit. You won’t tell me what the issues are and until you can, he stays. And Eva," he pulled my attention to him. "Understand that I am the boss in this house. I am the one taking care of you. I know what's best and you just have to deal with it."

  I stepped back. “Anyone else. Not him. We made a deal
. NOT HIM!” I raised my voice. My liquid courage was still coursing through my veins.

  "Eva, you lost any rights to a compromise when you risked this house and everyone in it. This whole issue with trying to leave or playing outside or whatever that was, got my attention as you wanted. That is why Seth is back. If you had stayed in the house like you were told, we wouldn’t be in this predicament.”

  “If you would just tell me…”

  “Eva! I’ve told you already and that’s all I have to tell you.”

  “But he…”

  “When the person crying wolf cries, people tend to stop believing their cries when they cry too much and there’s nothing to cry about. So, stop crying."

  His words pierced me in a way I couldn't comprehend. He was saying more to me than I knew. I didn't like how I was feeling. I didn't like how Caleb was treating me. I rarely enjoyed his treatment of me, but this stung, cut me low. He wasn’t listening to me at all.

  I didn't like Seth. I didn't like Caroline. And nothing has changed nor will it. I fell off a cliff and Caroline had no issue with treating me like crap, why should her sad story matter to me. No, they were on my permanent shit list.

  Caleb directed the new security to follow him, ending at the main entrance. "Seth, I expect you to take care of Eva. Now that we know her whereabouts are being closely monitored, we need to be better prepared. I will say this once; she is not to leave the main house. Her schedule has been modified and noted on the memo you received at your arrival.”

  “Yes, Sir.” He stood in attention as if awaiting battle.

  “Know this: I do not want to hear that she has escaped, wandered off, disappeared, or you've lost her. This will not happen. Do you understand me?" This was more of a rhetorical question.

  "Do I have a say about any of this?" I stood between Caleb and Seth. “I mean, I feel like I should have a right to do as I please, leave when I please, pee when I please.”

  His glare was enough to make a small child pee his pants. I feared this look. It wasn't one I saw often, but I knew I was pushing what seemed like a very thin and yet invisible line I never knew was stationed at my feet.