Finding Carrie

by C. E. Snyder

  “I need you. You can’t go now, not when I have so much to learn,” Carrie said with tears coming out of her eyes. All the while, she could hear Isaac pleading for her life and Lee Lee screaming.

  “No, you need Isaac, not me. He will teach you the rest.” Hana’s image fluttered. “I don’t have much time. I need you to relay a message for me. Can you do that?” Hana asked with her chin down.

  “Yes, Mother, anything.” Carrie nodded. Her gaze kept going back and forth from Hana to Isaac. She was caught between two worlds, but she wanted to comfort Isaac.

  “I want you to tell Jack that I will hold him close to my heart until he is with me.” Hana held up her fist and placed it on her heart. “Always.” She dropped her hand and laid her other hand on Carrie’s shoulder. “Tell Isaac I will be there every night.” Carrie’s tears were falling faster as she stood in front of Hana. “Tell Sam he will never be second to me. Tell Lee Lee that I will never let go no matter what. And, Carrie, don’t let that man ruin your life for anything. Live your life as you are living it. Do you understand, Carrie?” Carrie nodded. “I need you to also tell Lee Lee that she has to take care of Jack. Tell Isaac that when he doesn’t know what path to take, think of me and I will guide him. Tell the girls I love them and I will protect them always.” Carrie nodded again. “I have one more thing. Get Sam to move to New York, okay? His destiny is there. That is very important.”

  “Yes, I will. He can live with us if he wants to,” Carrie said, nodding again.

  “Now, one more thing. I didn’t come alone.” Hana waved her arm as she stepped back, and a young man stepped out of the shadows. He looked just like he had the night he died. He was wearing his favorite rock star t-shirt and his old faded blue jeans that he almost always had on. He had his head down as he walked toward her. He lifted his head so she could see his blue eyes, the eyes that both her daughters had.

  “Jacob,” she sobbed his name. She ran to him and put her arms around him. “Jacob,” she said again, looking at his face. He face was grim as he looked at her. “Jacob?” she asked with confusion as she stepped away. She glanced back down at her convulsing body and Isaac, who was desperately holding on to her.

  “Carrie,” Jacob said, reaching up to stroke his thumb down her face. “Don’t worry. I spent a great deal of time trying to get you two together.”

  “What?” Carrie asked, tilting her head to the side. He smiled then; it warmed her heart.

  “Did you think that you met by chance? Well, honey, you are mistaken,” Jacob said, laughing softly. Carrie glanced at Hana, who was smiling with pleasure and looking toward the floor where Carrie was still having a seizure. “I found him about a year or so before you actually met him; he was at the bookstore. I led him to one of your books, and when he opened the book and saw your picture”—he leaned in like it was a secret—“I whispered, ‘That is your destiny. You need to find her.’” He stood back up straight and smiled with pride to himself. “And he did what I wanted; he found you, but when he decided not to approach you, I turned to you.” He paused and tilted his head to the side and up. “Do you remember when you were watching those book trailers from your favorite author and you had to watch the one with Isaac in it over and over again?” He waited. Carrie looked down to Isaac and then back up to Jacob.

  “Yes, I do,” she shook her head. “I couldn’t get him out of my mind, so when it came time, I wanted…” Jacob put his hand up to stop her.

  “You wanted him to play in your book trailer for Undying Love. Yes, my dear, that was me too.” He smiled again. “So when your manager tried to sabotage your meeting, I had to step in again and let you in on his secret.” He turned to walk away. His image flickered, and he came back. “You ran out, and I knew where you were going so I directed you into that restaurant that day. I fixed you up,” he said, proud of himself.

  “So you were the one that wanted us together?” Carrie guessed.

  “It was more like you two were made for each other,” Jacob said.

  “But what about the girls? You knew that they needed you,” Carrie pleaded.

  “They never needed me, Carrie. You did a fine job raising them. Tell Sabrina that I’m very proud of her, and I heard her play. She was amazing,” he said with tears in his eyes. “Amazing isn’t even the word. She’s going to make a fine guitar player someday; not bad at singing either, I might add.” He stood for a second, staring down at Carrie’s body. “Tell Sierra that I will be there to see her play. I can’t wait. She’s going to make a great actress.”

  “Yes, you should have been there for them alive so they could have known their father,” Carrie demanded.

  “They know me, Carrie. You made sure of that. Besides, I was never their father. That role was for Isaac. It always has been for him,” Jacob said, turning too walked back into the shadows with Hana. “Oh, one more thing, Carrie, and this is very important,” he said, walking back to stand in front of Carrie. “Don’t hold in what happened on that night anymore. You need to tell someone.”

  “I can’t. Not even Isaac,” Carrie said, sobbing.

  “Especially Isaac, Carrie, everyone. I can’t take the pain you carry every day on my behalf anymore. It was an accident, that is all.” He hugged her good-bye. Carrie waved to Hana.

  “I love you, Mom. I always will. Aishite imasu,” Carrie said as Jacob and Hana disappeared. She turned to watch Isaac holding her once more before she got back into her body. She crouched down and put her lips close to Isaac’s ear and whispered, “De subete watakushi no shino, Samishi katta desu, Aishite imasu, kanji-romaji.” She stood up. What she said was, “With all my heart, I missed you a lot. I love you, forever.” She took one more look at everyone in the room, turned around, and lay down in her body.

  At once, her body stopped shaking. The medics had just arrived. Carrie opened her eyes and looked straight up into Isaac’s face, which were mere inches for her. She simply said, “Isaac.” She closed her eyes and went into coma. Isaac looked up to the medics.

  “Help her,” he said as he laid her on the floor and stepped back. He walked into his sister’s arms.

  “Her heart’s still with us,” the medic said. “What is her name?” Isaac turned around, tears going down his face.

  Chapter 27

  As Carrie fought her way through the layers of sleep that she was in, she began to hear a ringing in her ear. It took forever before she went through the last layer, and when she did, the ringing in her ears stopped. She opened her eyes and shut them again without moving. She took a big breath and opened her eyes again. She looked around and realized that she was in the hospital. The TV was on, and there was a chair next to her that was facing the TV. The person in the chair was her husband of almost seven months, Isaac. She smiled as she saw that his arm was draped on the bed next to her hand. She tried to move her hand to touch him, to make sure he was alive and real. At first, she couldn’t move it. Getting frustrated, she concentrated with everything she had, and she got her hand off the bed then dropped it on his elbow. Her breath was heavy with the task she had just performed.

  Isaac was woken abruptly when someone hit him in the arm, or so he thought. He sat straight up and put his feet on the floor. When he saw no one in the room, he turned to check on Carrie. He looked at her face, and she was staring right at him. His mouth fell open, and he sucked in his breath. He said her name then went to call a nurse. He stooped down and pulled her up.

  “Can I help?” the nurse called from the intercom.

  “She’s awake.” He kissed her several times all over her face. “I didn’t think you would ever wake up.” Still holding her, he looked down at her face. She tried to speak, but nothing came out. She cleared her throat and tried again.

  “Kokoro wo komet,” she said. What she said was with all my heart, just like she had said at the wedding. Isaac moaned with relief and pulled her closer. She was back, all of her. She had her memory back.

  “Koibito, my love. Aishite imasu, always.” He wa
s so happy that he had her back that he kept drifting out of English and Japanese. He rocked her and kissed her several more times again all over her face before the doctors came in. He didn’t care that they were there. He wanted to show her his relief; he found her mouth and kissed her. First it was hard, but he felt her wince, and he backed off but didn’t pull away, just lightened up a little. Then the doctor cleared his throat. Isaac jumped back and let go of Carrie.

  “I know you love her, and are glad that she is awake, but I need to examine her,” the doctor said. Isaac nodded.

  “I’m sorry,” he said in a rush. The doctor turned to Carrie to ask her question.

  “Do you know where you are?” he asked, shining a light in her eyes.

  “Yes, I’m at the hospital,” she replied with a husky voice.

  “Good, do you know your name?” he asked.

  “Yes, I do.” She turned and lifted her stiff arm out to Isaac. “My name is Mrs. Isaac Anthony Walsch. I am a writer, and I write under the name C.A. Shay,” she said with a grin for Isaac. “Oh, my first name is Carrie,” she said, turning back to the doctor.

  “Very good.” He nodded his approval and looked at Isaac. “A lot better than last time, I might say.” He sighed with relief and went on. “Carrie, you had a terrible seizure. I’m putting you on medicine that will prevent any more from happening. When you get home, your doctor wants to take a better look at you.” He leaned in closer to her. “Your doctor is very persistent, I might add.” Carrie’s face lit up and turned to Isaac.

  “She’s here?” she asked, almost sobbing.

  “Yes, they are all here,” Isaac said, taking a deep breath and trying not to cry himself.

  “They are everyone?” Carrie asked.

  “I might say, we had to put them in the conference room to hold them all,” the doctor added.

  “I want to see them.” Carrie pulled the blanket off her legs. Isaac put his hand on her shoulder to stop her.

  “You just woke up, Carrie, you’re still weak,” Isaac said.

  “I don’t care,” she shook her head. “I want to see them; I have something to say. Please, Doctor.” Carrie looked at the doctor.

  “I would rather you not, but I’ll have the nurse bring in the chair.” The doctor gestured to the nurse. “But if you get tired or dizzy or anything else…”

  “I know, I know, come right back to bed,” Carrie said. Isaac had tears in his eyes—not tears of sadness, but tears of joy. Carrie looked up and turned her face slightly. “What?”

  “Nothing, I’m just glad I have you back,” Isaac said. Carrie laughed and reached up for him to hug her. He hugged her and kissed her on her neck.

  “What is it that you always say?” She thought for a second. Isaac leaned up to look at her, and she said, “Just as long as the world keeps turning, you will always have me.” Isaac leaned into her and pressed his forehead against hers.

  “Close enough,” he said when the nurse came in with the wheelchair. “I love you,” he said before lifting his head. They looked up, and Isaac picked her up and cradled her to his chest. He kissed her on the forehead before putting her down on the chair. He took the blanket off the bed and tucked it around her. “I’ll push her,” he told the nurse. The nurse just nodded. He pushed her down the hall and into the elevator.

  “Do they know that I’m a wake yet?” Carrie asked with excitement in her voice, as she looked up to Isaac and the nurse for an answer.

  “The doctor went to speak with them,” the nurse said, patting Carrie on her shoulder.

  “I can’t believe that they are all here. Well, at least I can tell them all at once,” Carrie said under her breath.

  “Tell everyone what?” Isaac asked as the elevator door opened, and he pushed her out. Carrie looked up and smiled.

  “You’ll see,” she said and put her head down. He pushed into the conference room. Everyone looked up, and at once they all took a breath. You could hear the air going through everyone’s lungs, as if it was a beautiful orchestra. They lined up to greet her; tears were in all of their eyes. She smiled at them all.

  “Mom,” she said as her mother kissed her on the forehead. “Dad,” she said. Melanie had all three of her kids, including her husband, Lee. Linda and her husband, Ed, came up with tears in their eyes. Chris and Missy, Matt and Kyle were there too. Amy and Dave came up, and Amy didn’t want to let go of her. Chrissie hugged her when they finally got Amy off her. All three of her bodyguards had to come up to hug and kiss her. She was just overjoyed with the love they all had for her.

  “Well, finally you’re back. Are you ready to go back to work? You have a book tour to do, and the kids are missing you,” David, her everything man, as she always called him, said when it was his turn so see her.

  “I can’t wait to get back to work. I have a real big story in my head now, and I do miss the kids. I will make sure that I see them as soon as I get home,” she said as he hugged her.

  “Momma,” the twins said, running to their mom. They both hugged her at the same time.

  “Oh, my girls!” she said, hugging them tightly. “I love you two so much.” She smiled and looked each of them in the face, drinking in the sight of them. Then, Lee Lee rushed over to her.

  “I’m so glad you are back! I love you so much,” she said against Carrie’s ear.

  “I love you too, Lee Lee,” Carrie said. Sam came up and kissed her on the cheek and Jack came up.

  “I’m so glad you are back too,” Jack said, kissing her on the cheek. “I couldn’t take the look of pain on my son’s face any longer.”

  “I love you, Jack,” Carrie said. She looked up at Isaac. “I couldn’t take it anymore either.” She reached up to touch Isaac on the arm. He looked down and smiled.

  “Oh, call me Dad; she would have liked that,” he said, stepping away. She looked around.

  “Did I see everyone? I have something very important to say,” Carrie said. Everyone said yes at the same time. “I’m sure I missed someone.” She looked around. “Well, like I said, I have something to say.” Carrie waited for everyone to take a seat then began. “When I was at the funeral home, I had a bad seizure—by the way, how long was I out for?” She looked for Isaac who was still standing behind her.

  “Four days,” he replied and frowned.

  “Oh my, four days.” She made a face. “No wonder you are all here—but anyway, while I was shaking on the floor, I had an out-of-body experience. Hana came to me, and she had some things that she wanted to say. She wanted me to tell you, Jack, that she will always hold you close to her heart until you are with her again.” She turned her head upright to look at Isaac. “Isaac, she told me to tell you that she will be there every night.” She lowered her head and looked for Sam. “Sam, she said that you will never be second to her.” She looked for Lee Lee who was crying. “Lee Lee, don’t cry.” Carrie reached her hand for Lee Lee. Lee Lee took her hand. “She told me to tell you that she will never let go no matter what.” Lee Lee smiled even though she he tears flowing down her face. Lee Lee let go of Carrie’s hand to place her hand over her mouth. “She told me not to let that man ruin my life, and I’m not going to let him.” She looked up at Isaac. “Lee Lee, she also said that you needed to take care of your father.” She was still looking up at Isaac. “Isaac, she also wanted you to know that when you can’t decide what path to take, to think of her and she will guide you.” She put her head down and looked for the girls. “Girls, she wanted you to know that she loves you both and that she will protect you always.” The girls smiled, despite their tears. “Oh, and Sam, she was very adamant that you move to New York City with us. She said your destiny is there. You can stay with us,” she said, nodding her head. Sam looked confused, but all he did was shrug his shoulders.

  “I guess, if that is what she wants,” Sam said.

  “It is,” she said and bowed her head, her hair falling down around her face. “She wasn’t alone,” she said, lifting her head to find the girls. “Jacob w
as there.” There was a moan that went around the room. “He wanted me to tell you, Sabrina, that he heard you play, and he is very proud of you. He said you’re going to make a fine guitar player and singer someday.” Sabrina went up to her mother and hugged her tight.

  “He did, Mom? He heard me? He loved me?” Sabrina said as she leaned back to look at her mother.

  “He did, sweetheart.” Tears fell out of Carrie’s eyes. Sabrina pulled away and went to sit next to her sister. “Sierra, he wanted me to tell you that he will be there for your play and that you’re going to make a wonderful actress.”

  “Really? He will be there?” she asked as she stood up to cross the room to close the distance to her mother.

  “Yes, Sierra, he will be there right next to you, giving you the courage that you need.” She hugged her daughter, sobbing. Sierra went back to her seat next to Sabrina. Carrie sat and wept for what she had to say next. She was sure that everyone in the room was going to turn their backs on her as soon as she said it, but she had to say it; it was the only way. “He also wanted me to tell you want happened that night he died.” She looked around her for Isaac who came around to crouch down in front of her held her hand.

  “You never said a word about what happened that night,” her mother said.

  “I know, I have been holding it to myself for twelve years, and he wants me to let it out so I can go on.” She swallowed hard and locked her eyes with Isaac, he was everything to her, and as soon as he finds out, she was sure he would walk out those doors and never look back.

  “Go on, let it out,” Isaac said.

  “I don’t want to lose you,” Carrie explained. “It’s horrible.”

  “Just say it and let me decide if you’re going to lose me or not. I can guarantee that I’m not going anywhere,” he said, running his thumb over the back of her hand.

  “You might when you hear it,” she said. She took a few deep breaths and began to tell the story of what happened the night the twins’ father died. “I got a phone call from Jacob’s dad, saying that he was on Lookout Hill and that he was going to shoot himself. He said that he wanted to talk to me. So I went, and when I got there, he was standing on the edge of the cliff.” She swallowed hard and continued her eyes still locked with Isaac’s. “I got out of the car and walked up to him. I called him an idiot and told him to get in the car. There were police all around him, with his parents. He said that he was going to end his life and that he wanted to say good-bye to me and tell the girls that he loved them. I tried everything to get him to come away from the edge of the cliff, but he was so stubborn. I told him the girls need him, and he just said that they were better off without him. He lifted the gun to his head…” She trailed off and sobbed uncontrollably. “I went for the gun, the gun went off, and he fell over the cliff. I took him away from you girls, and I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have gone for the gun, but I didn’t know what else to do. The police wrote it off as a suicide, but I know what really happened. When I grabbed the gun, I hit the trigger.” She cried and looked to the girls. “I killed him. I killed your father.” She cried harder into her hands, feeling alone.