Frisky Business

by Tawna Fenske

  “Water would be nice.”

  “Lovely!” April said, clapping her hands together as she veered off from their dysfunctional little parade. “I’ll be right back. Will, can I get you anything?”

  “A bullet between the eyes.”

  “Ice water!” April called brightly as she disappeared around a corner.

  Marley stumbled a little as Bethany tugged her around another corner, and Will caught her elbow to steady her. She looked at him, trying to read his mood.

  “We can come back later,” she whispered. “If you’re not in the mood to deal with a dinner party crowd.”

  Will quirked an eyebrow at her. “Did you hear what she said about Pure Romance?”

  “Pure Romance?”

  “They’re not having a dinner party, Marley. It’s a gathering of women who get together to shop for—”

  “Sex toys!” Bethany squealed as she halted abruptly at the entrance of a small, cozy living room. “And lotions and potions and whips and lubes and—”

  “Lions and tigers and bears,” Will finished, stopping right behind Marley and standing so close she could feel his breath on her neck. Half a dozen women were piled on two overstuffed leather sofas the color of old saddles, and another eight or nine were lined up on folding chairs scattered around the room. Everyone looked up and regarded the newcomers with curious expressions as Bethany waved an enthusiastic hand.

  “Everyone, this is my brother Will and his girlfriend, Marley.”

  Marley coughed. Behind her, Will either choked or stifled a laugh.

  “Bethany, quit being silly,” April chided softly as she approached from behind and handed Will and Marley each a glass filled with icy water. “Will is Bethany’s brother, and Marley is his colleague, the new director of development at the Cascade Historical Society and Wildlife Sanctuary.”

  “Cheez Whiz,” Will supplied.

  “We’re colleagues,” Marley emphasized. “Not dating. Not even sleeping together or—”

  “—or making out in doorways in front of giant pink bunny rabbits,” Will added.

  There was a long silence from the living room, and Marley gave some serious thought to hiding under the sofa. At the center of the room, a petite brunette wearing a pink- and-black top and the fluffiest ponytail Marley had ever seen beamed at the two of them as she gestured to the table in front of her piled high with pastel merchandise. “Will you be staying for the party?”

  Marley gulped and surveyed the products. There were bottles and tubes and booklets and… “Ohmygod,” Marley gasped. “Is that what I think it is?”

  Will took a sip of his ice water. “There’s no safe way to answer that without knowing the depth of your dirty thoughts or the expanse of your field of vision.”

  “It’s huge,” Marley stammered, her eyes fixed on the array of toys lined up like pastel soldiers. She turned to Will and lowered her voice. “What the hell is it with the women in your family and phalluses?”

  “Years of therapy, and we still haven’t figured that out.”

  “Were you admiring the Thunder Vibe?” called a voice across the room. Marley turned to see a small brunette hoisting a pale pink object the size of a small car. She held it aloft for everyone to admire, and several woman in the audience tittered appreciatively.

  “It’s a very popular item,” the brunette added. “Waterproof, too.”

  Marley stared, part of her wanting to glance away, part of her wishing the woman would quit waving it around so she could get a better look.

  “Do you need a roof rack to get it home?” Marley asked.

  “It’s not that big,” called a busty redhead sitting cross-legged on the closest sofa. She held up the catalog and smiled. “It’s six-point-five inches in length and five-point-five inches in circumference. It has multi-speeds, flexible nubbies, and needs two AA batteries.”

  “My boyfriend has all that,” said the woman beside her, hiccupping loudly. “Minus the batteries. And the nubbies. What’s a nubby?”

  “The average male penis is 5.1 inches in length, so the Thunder Vibe is bigger than average,” announced a very pregnant blonde on the other side of the room.

  “Male penis?” someone hiccupped. “What’s a female penis?”

  The woman with the catalog trailed her finger down the page and smiled thoughtfully. “Oh, and it also has a nylon wrist strap.”

  “Of course it does,” Marley said. “How else could you take it for a walk?”

  The women began to pass the Thunder Vibe around the room, and Marley saw Will grimace as it landed in April’s lap. She grasped it in one hand, looking cheerful and disturbingly childlike in a pink-and-white sundress patterned with daisies. Her angelic blond curls framed her face, and she smiled at the object before passing it to Marley.

  “They make a lot of other models,” April said. “And they’re throwing in a lovely little hidey bag to store them in.”

  “Um, thanks,” Marley said, and tried to pass the Thunder Vibe to Will.

  He jumped back as though threatened by a burning sword. Marley rolled her eyes. “It doesn’t have cooties.”

  “You can’t be sure about that.”

  Marley sighed and handed it to Bethany.

  “Ten percent discount on all toys tonight,” called the saleswoman.

  Will raised his hand. “Can I get a Rubik’s Cube and a Cabbage Patch doll?”

  Marley elbowed him in the ribs and shot a glance at Bethany. She leaned toward Will and whispered, “About the bike—”

  “Okay, ladies!” the woman at the table yelled, clapping her hands. She shot a look at Will and frowned. “And gentleman.” Her frown deepened. “Actually, corporate policy says we aren’t supposed to have men or children at these events. Only women.”

  “He doesn’t count as a man,” Bethany said, smacking Will on the shoulder. “He’s my brother. And my partner’s ex-wife.”

  “Ex-husband,” April corrected, giving Will an apologetic smile.

  “Whatever.”

  The saleswoman furrowed her brow, apparently trying to figure out how this negated the women-only rule.

  “We really should be going,” Marley said. “My dog is waiting in the car, and I need to get him home. If you could just show us where the bike is, or maybe it would just be better if we came back—”

  “Will!” a voice boomed behind them. Marley jumped, whirling around to see who else had joined the dysfunctional family reunion. A middle-aged woman approached with a tray of neon pink cocktails and a startled expression. It took Marley a moment to realize the expression wasn’t so much startled, but rather the result of too many facelifts. Her skin was pulled so tight her forehead looked like it had been ironed. She wore her dark hair in a tight bun, which accentuated her razor-sharp cheekbones. She wasn’t smiling, but considering the lack of movement in her face, Marley tried not to take that personally.

  The woman looked Marley up and down and sniffed. “Who are you?”

  Marley stuck her hand out to shake, then realized her mistake as the woman rolled her eyes at the tray of cocktails.

  “Marley Cartman,” she said. “I’m just here to borrow a bicycle.”

  “Are you aware of the effects of handlebar position on female orgasm?” she asked. “A recent study showed that handlebars positioned lower than the bike seat are associated with increased pelvic floor pressure and decreased anterior vaginal wall and labial sensation.”

  Will cleared his throat. “Aunt Nancy,” he said, his tone somewhere between a sigh and a groan. “Please meet Marley Cartman. Marley, meet Nancy Thomas-Smith, PhD, bestselling author of Integrated Treatment for Sexual Perversion and Orgasm Essentials.”

  “You forgot The Big Book of Bondage: From Playful to Paraphilic,” Nancy said. “That hit the list too.”

  “Hit being the operative word,” Will said.


  “How lovely you two can finally meet,” April said, nodding like a bobblehead. “We were so surprised to learn Aunt Nancy wished to join us this evening.”

  “Of course I wished to join you,” Aunt Nancy said, her tone mocking. “I spent my entire career focusing on sexual health and abnormal psychology. I have a particular interest in all forms of artistic phalluses.”

  “Artistic,” Bethany said, and hiccupped.

  Nancy ignored her and leveled a look at Marley. “So you’re the Marley Cartman I’ve been speaking to on the phone.”

  “Wonderful to finally meet you, ma’am.” Marley smiled, but the gesture wasn’t returned.

  “I do hope you’re getting a fair appraisal on the artifacts?”

  Marley swallowed hard and nodded. “Of course. We’re flying in an expert appraiser to take a look next week.”

  Nancy sniffed and looked around the room. “I trust you’ll find the donation to be quite large.”

  “Quite large,” Marley agreed, ignoring the giant purple phallus making the rounds in her peripheral vision.

  “I’ve already informed my accountant to expect a sizeable write-off on this year’s taxes, due to the donation,” Nancy continued.

  Marley’s stomach clenched as her cousin’s words echoed in her head. Hopefully Kayley’s gut assessment was wrong. Hopefully the rock cocks—er, figurines—were worth every penny the family expected.

  “We’ll leave it to the professionals to assess the value,” Marley said, “but sometimes the monetary amount is less important than—”

  “The monetary amount is always important,” Nancy snapped. “You haven’t been in this business long if you don’t know that.”

  “Right,” Marley said. “Of course. Money is the issue, and I’ll be certain we get a fair and accurate appraisal just as soon as possible.”

  Nancy folded her arms over her chest. The tension in the room was so thick Marley could spread it on a bagel. Will stepped forward and took the tray from Aunt Nancy. “I’ll just pass these out,” he said, and moved around the sofa.

  “Pussy,” Bethany muttered.

  “Where?” asked a petite redhead on the end of the sofa. “Are we already on the page with the handheld Vajayjay and the Lotus Flower?”

  Will ignored them as he made the rounds handing drinks to nervous-looking guests. “It’s not every day a guy gets to give out screaming orgasms to a dozen women.”

  One of them reached out and grabbed Will’s butt, as another woman passed the Thunder Vibe to her neighbor. That woman turned a switch on the end and smiled.

  “Buzzy,” she said.

  “My husband can’t do that.”

  “Damn shame.”

  Aunt Nancy cleared her throat, snapping Marley’s attention away from the rest of the party. “So how long have you been in this line of work anyway?” Nancy demanded.

  Marley swallowed and pasted on her best donor relations smile. “Well, I’ve been working in donor development for more than a decade, and—”

  “So you’re a financial expert then?”

  Marley blinked and resisted the urge to take a step back. She focused on smiling harder, on looking for some way to click with Nancy. “I do have a great deal of experience, yes.” Marley rubbed her lips together and put an extra note of enthusiasm in her voice. “I’m also a huge fan of vintage jewelry, and I have to say that’s a lovely necklace you’re wearing. Is it a family heirloom?”

  “No. And why are you changing the subject?”

  “I wasn’t changing the subject. Merely remarking on your exquisite taste in jewelry.”

  “And I was asking how you got to be a financial wizard.”

  “I wouldn’t say I’m a financial wizard,” Marley said, folding her hands in front of her to keep them steady. Or to keep herself from wrapping them around Nancy’s neck. “I’d say I’m more of a people person who happens to enjoy working with individuals and corporations who wish to make charitable contributions to worthy causes like—”

  “Cheez Whiz,” called Will.

  “And other charitable entities of that sort,” Marley agreed. “I can help them maximize their donations in a way that’s mutually beneficial to—”

  “So you schmooze rich people for money,” Aunt Nancy interrupted. “Not that there’s something wrong with that, but let’s call a spade a spade.”

  Marley felt her smile beginning to falter, and she took a shaky breath to calm her nerves. “I can assure you, Ms. Thomas-Smith, I’m quite good at what I do.”

  “I don’t doubt it. So what does your portfolio look like?”

  “I beg your pardon?”

  Nancy shrugged and took a sip of something Marley assumed was champagne but secretly hoped might be lighter fluid. An untimely death might be the only way to escape this conversation. “If you make a living telling other people what to do with their money, I assume you’ve handled your own just as wisely.”

  Marley lifted her chin. “I prefer to keep my personal finances quite separate from my professional life, but I can assure you I’m comfortable. Why do you ask?”

  Her voice quavered only a little on those last words, so Marley was pretty sure no one heard. Nancy opened her mouth to reply, but Bethany elbowed Marley in the ribs.

  “She’s asking because she thinks you’re after Will’s money,” Bethany said. “And not in a donor relations sorta way.”

  Marley choked back a bubble of laughter, which came out sounding more like a snort. “My only interest in Mr. Barclay’s finances is as they pertain to his professional investments in the operations of—”

  “Cheez Whiz,” Will said, setting the empty drink tray on the counter as he rejoined the group. “Be nice, Aunt Nancy.”

  “Hmph,” she sniffed. “Will’s had enough trouble with women in his life. Keep that in mind when you’re sniffing around his fire hydrant.”

  “Will’s fire hydrant is safe from me,” Marley said, fighting to keep her voice bright and cheerful. “Our connection to one another is purely professional. But I’m sure he appreciates your concern.”

  “Not especially,” Will said, touching Marley’s elbow so lightly she wondered if it was by accident. “But I try not to hold it against her.”

  “The bike’s out here in the garage,” April called, her voice high and nervous. “It’s got a lovely little basket on the front you can take off when you go trail riding, and if you’ll just follow me—”

  April started down the hall, and Marley turned to follow with Will right beside her. She looked up at him, careful to keep her voice to a whisper.

  “So you and your sister diffuse awkward situations with dirty jokes, and April does it by being ridiculously chipper?”

  Will grinned down at her. “You got a better method?”

  “How about ruthless smiling?”

  “Whatever works.”

  From the sofa, Bethany called out to April, “You got it, babe? I’ll make another round of drinks if you can handle the bike thing.”

  “Absolutely,” April chirped over her shoulder.

  “Okay then,” Will said, turning back toward the group. “It was lovely meeting all of you. Aunt Nancy—always a pleasure.”

  “Hmph,” said Aunt Nancy.

  “A pleasure meeting you, ma’am,” Marley said. “I’ll keep you posted on the appraisal. And thank you for having us over, Bethany. This has been… well, lovely.”

  Bethany grinned from her perch on the sofa and squeezed Marley’s hand. “Don’t mention it. You sure you don’t want to order anything? Here, take a catalog in case you change your mind.”

  She thrust a pink-paged, glossy magazine into Marley’s hands, and Marley took it, not sure what else to do.

  “Have a great evening,” Marley called to everyone, and turned to where April waited by the door to the garage, shif
ting nervously from one bare foot to the other.

  Will followed behind her. “Well, that was fun.”

  “We should do it again sometime.”

  “Definitely. A few more visits with my family and you’ll be able to get in on our group therapy discount. Watch your step.”

  Marley marched down three short stairs into the garage and spotted April polishing the bike’s handlebars with the hem of her dress.

  “It’s a little dusty,” April sang, “but let me just get it tidied up and it’ll be lovely.”

  “It’s a mountain bike,” Will said. “If it isn’t dusty, you aren’t using it correctly.”

  “Right,” April said and stepped back. “I hope it’s the right size.”

  “It looks perfect,” Marley said, studying the shiny yellow and white bike that looked brand new. Marley knew very little about bicycles, but she could tell this was a nice one. “Are you sure this is okay? It looks too nice for you to be loaning it to a complete stranger.”

  April beamed. “You aren’t a stranger, Marley. You’re our new friend, and friends take care of each other.”

  “That they do,” Will said.

  Marley looked at him, surprised to hear the hint of ice back in his voice. Sensing Marley’s eyes on him, he offered her a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes and patted the seat of the bike. “What do you think?” he asked.

  Marley glanced between April’s earnest expression and Will’s brittle one, thinking it was no wonder everyone was a walking coping mechanism considering the amount of awkwardness in this family dynamic.

  “It’s lovely,” Marley said, and beamed at them both.

  Chapter 9

  Will surveyed the scene as he pulled up Marley’s driveway. As much as he hated to admit it, he was keeping a tense watch for expensive-looking cars.

  “My dad isn’t here,” Marley said, reading his thoughts. “He had a business meeting in Burns, so he’s staying the night over there.”