The Templeton Twins Make a Scene

by Ellis Weiner

  “Today we’ll practice turning them on and off at the right times in the show,” she explained.

  She pulled a cassette from the rack, slid it into a slot, and pressed a button. Over the speakers placed all around the auditorium, the twins heard the sound of rain and a distant rumble of thunder.

  John was about to say something like “This is so NEAT” when two figures appeared at one of the entrances off the lobby and swept down the aisle toward the stage. “Ah!” one said. “We’re right on time. Gwendolyn Splendide is nothing if not punctual.”

  “As is Dean D. Dean,” said the other.

  The twins looked warily at each other and then at their father. He did not return their look. He was following the progress of Gwendolyn Splendide and Dean D. Dean and—you could tell from his expression—fearing the worst.

  “Wait here,” the Professor said quietly to the twins. He slowly walked down the aisle toward the stage, where Gwendolyn Splendide and Dean D. Dean were greeting other members of the staff and crew.

  John looked at Abigail. “No wonder Gwendolyn likes Dean D. Dean so much,” he said. “They both dress up like this every day.”

  “Come on,” Abigail said.

  The twins followed their father down the aisle toward the stage.

  It is true that both Gwendolyn Splendide and Dean D. Dean were “dressed up,” as they always were. She wore a deep-yellow pair of silky trousers and matching jacket, a white blouse, and a set of silver-and-ruby brooches and glinting gold necklaces and tinkling silver bracelets. He wore a dark-blue suit; a white, white shirt; and an orange tie with little dark-green dots. Everyone else in the entire building wore jeans and T-shirts and sweatshirts.

  Gwendolyn Splendide spied the Professor and announced, “Professor. I was just telling Mister Dean here that I was sure you had thought about our previous discussion and had decided to share ownership and credit for your wonderful device, as is only right and proper.”

  “I have thought about it,” the Professor said. He climbed the short stairway and joined them on the stage. “Now, if we can all focus on the task at hand—”

  “The task at hand is for you to sign this,” Dean D. Dean interrupted. He produced a sheaf of papers from inside his jacket and held them out to the Professor.

  “Thank you,” the Professor said. He took the document and, in a single smooth motion, tore it in half.

  People audibly gasped. (“Audibly” means that you could hear it. You could actually hear them gasp with your ears, which is the best way to hear things.)

  “Professor Templeton! I am appalled!” Gwendolyn Splendide exclaimed, drawing herself up in a demonstration of immense indignation. “That is a legal document!”

  “It isn’t legal until I sign it,” Professor Templeton said. “Which I have no intention of doing.” He handed the two halves of the document back to Dean D. Dean, then looked at the others and said, “Now. Shall we proceed?”

  “Mister Dean, I am quite speechless,” the lady said. “And when Gwendolyn Splendide is speechless she doesn’t know what to say.”

  “Think nothing of it, Madame Dean of the Academy and Boss of Professor Elton Templeton,” Dean D. Dean said, taking the torn document and stuffing it with his right hand into the left-side inner pocket of his jacket. “I foresaw this eventuality.” With his left hand, he reached into the right side of the jacket. “Which is why I smartly brought two copies.” He produced another sheaf of stapled papers. To the Professor he said, “You’re not going to tear this one up, are you?”

  “I certainly am,” the Professor said.

  “Professor,” Gwendolyn Splendide said. “I must tell you that Mister Dean’s role as your partner is well known. Why, Steve Stevenson himself left a memo for me in my office today. He informed me of a number of issues and concerns regarding the device. He made it clear that the only reason he knew of them was thanks to a series of regular briefings he has had with Mister Dean here.”

  The twins, standing at the foot of the stage, looked at each other. Abigail spread her hands as though to ask, “How is that possible?” John met her glance and shrugged.

  “It is therefore quite obvious to me,” Gwendolyn Splendide continued, “that Mister Dean deserves to share in the success of this invention.” She added, with great dignity, “What’s right is right.” Then she went on, in a more conversational tone, “Besides, if Mister Dean is denied his proper share of this creation, he would be entitled to sue the Academy—”

  “Miss Splendide . . . Gwendolyn . . . I assure you,” Dean D. Dean said in his most elegant and graceful manner. “I would never stoop to something so greedy and mean—”

  “—and we might end up having to pay him a great deal of money.”

  “—although,” Dean D. Dean continued, “as you so astutely put it, what’s right is right.”

  “Indeed. Therefore,” she resumed. “Until the Professor signs this document acknowledging Mister Dean’s role in the creation of this device, I am going to have to freeze the production.”

  “WHAT?” Dean D. Dean barked.

  “What does that mean?” John asked.

  “It means that the show is hereby postponed until further notice,” the lady said.

  Dean D. Dean glared at the Professor, and then turned to the others and cried, “Do you see what he’s doing? He’s ruining it for everyone!”

  The Professor stared back at him. “I’m not the one causing the trouble,” he said. “As you well know.”

  Rather sternly Gwendolyn Splendide said, “Professor, I suggest you show your attorney this document so we can move things along as quickly as possible.”

  “Oh, that won’t be necessary,” the Professor said. He held out his hand toward Dean D. Dean, who placed the new document in it. The Professor immediately tore that one in half, too, and handed the pieces back to Dean D. Dean, who reached into the other side of his jacket and pulled out a third copy. He said nothing but simply smiled.

  The Professor said, “John? Abby? Let’s go,” and marched off the stage and up the aisle with the Templeton twins scrambling after him. Manny Mann looked up from his book and then got up and followed.

  Outside, Manny said good-night and left the Templetons to themselves. At first no one spoke. Then the Professor said, somewhat cheerily, “Well, I’m starving. Let’s go home and make dinner.”

  They drove in silence past the statues of actors and writers and directors, which had begun to look a little creepy and ominous in the late afternoon light. The twins looked out the windows and mulled over the situation. Finally John asked, “Papa, why is this so important? I mean, the device is neat. But how come everyone is fighting over it?”

  “Because it could be worth a lot of money,” the Professor said. “If it works—”

  “Which it WILL,” Abigail said. “I mean, it already does, right?”

  “Well, yes, but anyway: It would be like inventing a new kind of spotlight or microphone. Every theater in every city would want one. Every theater department in every college. Hundreds of high schools will want one. And not just in this country. In every country, all over the world, wherever there are theaters. Every dance company. Every opera company. Rock bands will want one.” He laughed. “Rock bands will want four. Even symphony orchestras might want one, for when musicians play solos. And every time someone bought one of these devices, the people who invented it would get a certain amount of money.”

  “You mean the PERSON who invented it,” John said.

  “Well, yes. Plus the Academy, which has paid for me to develop it. But if Dean D. Dean were legally named as someone who helped invent it—whether he really did or not—he would get money, too. And that’s what he wants.”

  When the Templetons arrived home, Abigail made turkey burgers and John made slaw (!!!!!). There is, of course, no need for me to tell you how he made it (or how extremely delicious it was).

  The family spent the rest of the night trying to do homework, trying to read, and trying to st
op worrying. But no one could. Everyone’s feelings had been somewhat bruised by the events at the theater, and it was difficult for any Templeton to fall asleep—except for Cassie, of course, who had no trouble whatsoever.

  FOR FURTHER STUDY

  In the text, it says that “audible” means “able to be heard with your ears.” And yet snakes do not have ears. Isn’t that interesting? Yes, it is. Discuss.

  I have just learned that the term “coleslaw” is an English version of “koolsla,” which is a shorter version of “koolsalade,” which is a Dutch term for “cabbage salad.” Isn’t that both slightly intriguing and yet also somewhat disappointing?

  Explain, briefly, what Gwendolyn Splendide meant when she said that Dean D. Dean might “sue the Academy.” Do so in the form of a traditional Hawaiian hula dance. If you do not know what that means, ask your parent, orthodontist, or teacher to explain it. They will tell you for free. Do not ask your attorney to explain it.

  20. I am not in the mood to explain that the word “overture” is a French word. I may do so later in the text.

  21. Yes, the lighting designer’s last name was Light. Do not be amazed at this. It happens all the time. I once knew a man who ran a construction crew whose name was David Powerdrill Steamshovel. All right, that is not true. But it does happen all the time.

  I must now inform you that, in their excitement to attend the technical rehearsal on Monday after school, it was possible that the twins did not do quite all their homework. One finds oneself harboring such suspicions because, on Tuesday, Abigail and John had a bit more homework than usual, suggesting that they had undone work still remaining from the day before. I frown on this, and I know you do, too. Still, we must remember that the Templeton twins are not perfect. Indeed, with the exception of myself, no one is.

  That is why, the next day after school, the twins had no time for anything more than a quick snack (apples, cut up and dipped in honey, and—I am relieved to be able to say—a glass of milk), before going to their rooms and getting down to their homework.

  Nanny Manny was not pleased with this. He wanted the twins to do their homework, yes. But ever since they had presented him with an easy, comfortable, lightweight means of keeping his glasses on—which, had the Professor invented it, would probably have been named something like the Trans-Cranial Fabric-Strip Eyeglass-Securing Device with Optional Concealing Headwear (or TCFSESDWOCH)—he had been reading up a storm and, to his surprise and delight, having even more ideas for “fun” and “serious” activities.

  And so while Abigail pondered math problems and John tried to think of something to write about the Civil War, Manny could not resist the temptation to stick his head in their rooms and pelt them with ideas.

  “Got a fun idea,” Manny said, barging into Abigail’s room. “Tell me what you think: We paint the whole outside of the house silver.”

  “Manny—”

  “Okay, gold. Or both!”

  “Let’s discuss this later. I’m busy.”

  “Sure. I’ll be back.”

  Shutting the door to Abigail’s room, Manny walked briskly to John’s room. He opened the door and was greeted with the barking of Cassie, who was lying on John’s bed. “John. Serious idea. We shave off all your hair—”

  “Manny—”

  “—paint ‘Save the Earth. Recycle’ on the top of your head. See, that way—”

  Cassie suddenly sat up alertly, perked her little triangular ears, barked once, and then leaped off the bed and hurried out of the room. John heard the front door close. He and Nanny Manny traded a look and went to investigate.

  Downstairs they beheld an unusual sight: Professor Templeton, home early. He looked weary and worried. “It’s me, John,” he said absently. “Hello, Manny.”

  “Papa!” John said as Abigail joined them. “Are you okay?”

  “Oh, I’m fine. Just very tired.” He put his briefcase down slowly and scratched Cassie’s head. “Now that Gwendolyn has frozen the production, a lot of people want me to change my mind about refusing to allow Dean D. Dean to share in my close-up device.”

  “Who wants you to change your mind?” Abigail asked.

  “Everybody. Porter Shorter. Roger Prince. Claire Light. Four actors, three musicians, the orchestra conductor, and the person in charge of writing and printing the program. Plus others I can’t even remember.”

  “They should mind their own business,” Abigail said.

  The Professor gave a little smile and made his way into the living room. “Well, it is their business, dear,” he said, falling into a chair with a sigh. “A lot of people have worked hard on the show, and they want it to go on. But this isn’t just about the show. It’s about the ability of the Academy to stay open. They’ve paid me to develop the device, and they want to see if it works. If it does, it will make money, and the Academy needs the money if it’s going to stay open.”

  “They can’t really believe that Dean D. Dean helped you invent the close-up device,” John said. “Because that’s ridiculous.”

  “I don’t know what they believe,” his father said. “They may not really care. They just want to get the show going again. Although . . .” Here he paused and frowned. “Gwendolyn certainly seems to believe it. And that’s what’s important.”

  Now, I admit that this quiet, sad little exchange is not as much fun to read as when Manny bursts into someone’s bedroom and says, “Hey, this’ll be fun—let’s cover your dad’s car with melted chocolate!” or “Okay, let’s be serious. Let’s wash all the windows in the house. With toothbrushes,” or something of that nature. But this exchange is about to produce an exciting, dramatic development. So just be patient, if that’s not asking too terribly much of you.

  The Professor sent Manny home early. Because the twins had not had time to prepare dinner, the Templetons went out for pizza. Then they all came home. The Professor read, the twins finished their homework, and everybody went to bed.

  Isn’t that fascinating? No, it isn’t. It’s quite normal and routine. However, before they said good-night to each other, John and Abigail conferred in her room, and things became much more interesting and fascinating and so forth.

  The twins talked a little about how terrible a person Dean D. Dean was, and how unfair it was that he was making their father so sad. And then suddenly Abigail paused, as though something had just occurred to her (which, in fact, it had).

  “Remember when we thought the problem with Manny’s glasses was the straps, but it really wasn’t?” she said.

  John nodded. “It was the kind of straps.”

  “What if that’s what’s going on here? What if Dean D. Dean isn’t the real problem?”

  “WHAT A THRILLINGLY INSIGHTFUL AND ASTUTE POINT YOU HAVE JUST MADE, MY BRILLIANT SISTER,” John did not say. Instead he said basically that, but in a much more efficient way, by muttering, “Huh,” followed by, “Because—” (He began to see what she was getting at.) “Because we’ve been thinking that the problem is Dean D. Dean,” he said. “But really the problem is that people believe a story that isn’t true.”

  “And even more important than that,” Abigail said excitedly, “is that Gwendolyn Splendide believes a story that isn’t true. And she’s the boss.”

  “So that’s the problem.”

  And with that, the twins commenced a brainstorming session. By this, I do not mean that they somehow caused thunder and lightning and rain to occur inside their heads. “A brainstorming session” is a get-together where people meet and try to come up with ideas for solving a particular problem.

  The twins talked about Gwendolyn Splendide and how she was probably dazzled by Dean D. Dean’s elegant clothes, because she herself was a wearer of and an admirer of elegant clothes. She also, they decided, must be impressed with Dean D. Dean’s overall handsomeness and suave manners.22

  They talked about Dean D. Dean, and the absurdity of supposing that he was capable of helping a genius like Professor Elton Templeton create anything.
John said, “Dean D. Dean can’t invent anything. He probably wouldn’t even know how to turn Papa’s lens device on.”

  And then—can you see what’s coming? Because I must admit that I did not—Abigail had an idea so stupendous, so perfect, yet also so obvious, that John could only shake his head and say, “That . . . is genius.”

  That evening they told their father, and the twins burst into gigantic smiles when he said, “My goodness, I think that will work.” The Professor grabbed the phone and made several calls.

  FOR FURTHER STUDY

  Why is it that some ideas are only obvious once someone has thought of them? NOTE: If you can truly answer this, then you are even smarter than I am, so never mind.

  True or False or Don’t Be Silly: A brainstorm is a hurricane in one’s head. TFDBS

  How true is the following statement: “It will not surprise me to learn that the Narrator looks stylish, attractive, and ‘smart’ whether he is wearing normal clothes or fancy clothes.”

  Entirely true.

  Pretty much completely true.

  True beyond question.

  As true as true can be.

  All of the above, plus “Totally true.”

  22. Are you familiar with the word “suave”? Obviously, I am. It means smooth or relaxed, and it is, as so many words are, French. It is pronounced “SWAHV” and rhymes with BLAHV.*

  * BLAHV is not a word.

  The Templeton twins were now called upon to face one of the most daunting challenges of their young, daunting-challenge-facing lives. But before we discuss that, I am going to assume that your next question is, “What does ‘daunting’ mean?”