Falling to Pieces

by Garza, Amber

  “Yes it is. He never would’ve been in the water if he wasn’t trying to save me. And we never would’ve been at the river if I hadn’t been so selfish that day.”

  “Your dad didn’t drown, Ivy.”

  I feel like I’ve been punched in the gut. What is he saying? I was there. I saw Dad fall in the water. I saw his head split open on the rock. I know what happened.

  “He had a brain aneurism. He would’ve had it no matter where he was that day. Your dad was a great swimmer. He didn’t drown. He died before falling in the water.”

  “But-but Mom said…” my voice trails off, hurt and anger swimming through my veins.

  “I’m sorry if your mom made you feel like it was your fault, Ivy, because it wasn’t.”

  I sit there, stunned. For years I’d believed that I was the cause of my father’s death. Not once had anyone told me differently. It was almost too difficult to understand. The guilt I’d felt about that day had permeated my insides for years. Every day I would curse myself for begging Dad to go with me to the river that day. I would imagine that everything turned out differently – that we stayed home and Dad was safe. Could it really not have been prevented? If so, that changes everything.

  After a minute, I glance back up at Grandpa and notice his eyelids fluttering. I really do need to let him get some sleep. Leaning over him, I gently swipe my lips across his forehead. “Get some rest. I’ll be back soon.” I release his hand, and push back the chair. My legs feel like jelly and I struggle to walk to the door. After popping it open I step out into the hall and walk right into Mom.

  “How is he?” she asks, her gaze darting toward the door.

  I narrow my eyes and cock my head to the side. “He’s fine. He didn’t have a heart attack. Just like Dad didn’t drown in the river.”

  Her eyes widen, and I relish the look for a minute. “What are you talking about, young lady?”

  I shove past her. “I’m talking about how you’re a liar.”

  She grabs my arm and whirls me toward her. I see Billie jump out of the seat she was in and come toward us. My heart pounds, but for the first time in my life I’m not scared of my mom. I finally see her for who she really is. I yank my arm out of her grasp. “Let go of me, Mom,” I say. “Don’t ever touch me again. You understand?”

  “You don’t talk back to me like that, young lady,” she says.

  “I know everything, Mom. I know about Dad, I know about your sister, I know it all. You have no power over me.” I press my face close to hers. “And if you ever hit me again, I’m calling the cops.”

  Mom staggers backwards, fear evident in her eyes. I just glare at her and whirl toward Billie.

  “Let’s get out of here,” I say.

  “Alright.” Billie smiles, while taking a hold of my arm. “That was awesome! Man, I wish Asher was here to see it. You should totally call him and tell him what you just did.”

  I smile, thinking that she’s right. Asher would be proud of me for finally sticking up for myself against my mom. As we head to the elevators, I pull out my cell phone and shoot him off a text.

  26

  Asher

  I can tell Cole is surprised when I knock on his door. He’s even more surprised when I tell him why I’m here.

  “Can you take a couple of days off work? I need you to go on a little road trip with me,” I say.

  He raises one eyebrow. “Are we going where I think we’re going?”

  I nod, certain that he’s figured it out.

  “Wow, what made you decide to finally see him?”

  “It’s a long story. I can tell you on the drive.”

  Cole leans against the doorframe of his house. “Okay, just let me make a couple of phone calls and pack. Meet you out front in an hour?”

  “Sounds good.” I walk away from Cole’s house feeling lighter than when I first walked up. I know this won’t be easy, but it’s what I have to do if I have any hope of Ivy and I having a future together. As I head back to my house, my phone vibrates in my pocket. I snatch it out and read the text.

  Hey. Call me.

  My stomach clenches at the cryptic message from Ivy. I’m not ready to talk to her. She was so angry when she raced away from me at the restaurant. I don’t want to call her back just so she can break things off. No, I need to take care of business and then go to her so we can hash things out face-to-face. Maybe by then she will have cooled off. I shove the phone back in my pocket and step across my front lawn. My feet squish in the newly watered grass. Mud cakes the bottom of my shoe and makes a squeaking sound as my foot plunges downward. I track dark footprints across the cement walkway. When I get to the front door, I wipe my feet on the front mat, coating it in wet dirt before walking inside. As always, the scent of potpourri washes over me.

  The faint smell of dinner cooking lingers in the background, so I head to the kitchen to talk to Mom. I find her standing over the stove, wearing sweat pants and t-shirt, half her hair pulled up in a clip. Her back is to me as she stirs a pot on the stove. Steam rises from it, and she bats it away with her hand as it comes close to her face.

  “Hey, Mom,” I say.

  She glances at me from over her shoulder. “Asher? Are you gracing us with your presence tonight?” Even though she says it in a joking manner, I can hear the hint of irritation underneath. My mom has always had a hard time with my brother and me getting older. I think she would be happy if all four of us could eat dinner together every night for the rest of our lives. I can’t think of anything worse.

  “Sorry, Mom. I can’t.”

  Her face falls. “Oh? What do you have going on tonight?” She faces me, but keeps her hand on the wooden spoon she was using to stir with. Liquid drips from it onto the tile counter.

  “Cole and I are going on a little road trip.”

  I can tell this surprises her. Not that I blame her. I have been spending almost all my time with Ivy lately. When I remember Ivy’s pained face earlier, it causes my insides to coil. “Really? Where are you two going?”

  “The Bay Area.” I take a deep breath. “To Cam’s house.”

  Mom inhales sharply. “Do you think that’s a good idea?”

  I nod. “It’s time, Mom.”

  Her face smooths out and she returns her attention to the pot on the stove, but I can see the slight tremor in her hand. “Well, I think that’s probably good then. You two were friends for a long time, until that girl got involved and ruined everything.”

  “Mom,” I warn harshly.

  “I’m sorry,” she says, even though she sounds anything but. “It’s just that our whole family was affected by what happened, Asher.”

  My shoulders sag. “I know, Mom. I’m sorry.”

  Mom peers at me. “Do you even know why she did it?”

  “Yeah, I do.”

  “Why?” Mom fixes me with a curious look.

  “I can’t really say. It’s not my place. But you have to trust me, Mom. Ivy had her reasons, and I understand them.”

  She nods. “Okay. Well, be careful. I hope you know what you’re doing.”

  “Don’t worry. I do.” I exit the kitchen and head up to my room to finish packing. Mom’s words ring out in my head. I don’t know what I’m doing, but I do know one thing – that I don’t have any other choice.

  “So, what’s the story? Why now?” Cole doesn’t waste any time before cutting to the chase. We’ve barely turned the corner of her street when he asks the dreaded question.

  I take a deep breath as I turn the steering wheel. Cool air spills out of the air conditioner and circles me. “I finally found out who really hurt Ivy.”

  “Why am I not surprised that this has to do with Ivy?”

  Frustration burns through me. “Do you want to hear this or not?”

  Cole rests his head against the closed window. “Sorry, man. Go ahead.”

  “So I went after the person who really hurt her. Only now she’s pissed at me.”

  “That girl is a piece a work
,” Cole mutters under his breath.

  I choose to ignore him, keeping my eyes trained on the road. Guiding my car forward, I head toward the freeway. “I realized that if I want things to work out with Ivy and I, then I need to make things right. I need to finally deal with everything that happened.”

  “Are you sure about this man?”

  Brake lights splash in front of me, and I ease my foot down on the brake pedal. The car slows down, staying at a steady pace behind the row of cars in front of us. “Yeah, I am.”

  “I mean, if she’s pissed at you for taking matters into your own hands again, won’t she be angry with you for going to see Cam too?”

  I clench my fists around the steering wheel. The thought had crossed my mind. “I don’t think so. She knows we were friends before. I think she’d want me to make amends.”

  “But you didn’t ask her?” Cole turns to me.

  “I don’t want to talk to her right now. I think we both need some distance.”

  “Man, you guys have serious issues.”

  I bristle at his words. “We’ve just got some stuff to work out, that’s all. Every relationship does.”

  “Every relationship isn’t this difficult, Asher, trust me.”

  “What about you and Mercedes? You're telling me everything’s perfect there?” I ask, wanting nothing more than to change the subject.

  Cole shrugs as I merge onto the freeway. “Not perfect, but not complicated either. We just have a good time together, that’s all.”

  I nod, pressing on the gas. Flicking on my blinker, I cross over and get into the fast lane. “Well, give it time. You haven’t known each other that long.”

  Cole chuckles. “That’s the difference between you and me. If things get too complicated, I split. The last thing I want is to have to deal with some chick’s issues. Once it isn’t fun anymore, I’m out.”

  “Haven’t you ever met a girl who was worth it, Cole?”

  He shakes his head. “No girl is worth all that effort.”

  I glance over at my friend, feeling kind of sorry for him. There was a time when I would’ve agreed with him. But I think there’s something amazing about caring about a girl so much that you’re willing to work hard to keep her. And I have to believe that at the end of it all, it will be worth it.

  We make it to San Francisco in good time. Sure, we got stuck in traffic on the bridge, but that always happens. It did help that we left after rush hour. By the time we get into the city it’s late, so we find a hotel to check into. After checking in, Cole and I head up to our room. Cole throws his bag on top of the bed closest to the wall, and then sits down on it.

  “So, wanna hit the town tonight? I know of a couple good clubs.”

  I shake my head, running a hand over my neck. “Nah, let’s just grab some dinner and then hit the sack. I want to go to Cam’s first thing in the morning.”

  Cole nods. “Do you think we should call and warn his family that we’re coming?”

  I bite the inside of my cheek, mulling over his question. My mind travels to Cam and his parents. I think of all the nights I spent at their house. Then I remember the look on their faces when I first saw them after the incident. If looks could kill I would’ve dropped dead at that very moment. I know his family will be mortified about seeing me again. My chest tightens at the thought and I take a few long breaths to loosen it up a bit.

  “No, I think maybe we should just surprise them.”

  “You sure?” Cole raises a brow.

  I nod, exhaling. “Yeah, I think if we call they might just refuse to see us. Then we came all this way for nothing.”

  “True.” Cole stands, spreading out his hands. “It’s your call, man. I’m just along for the ride.” He gives me a lopsided smile. “I’m not the one they hate.”

  “Gee thanks.” I force a light laugh, even though I’m feeling nervous and a little sick. “What made them decide to move to San Francisco, anyway?”

  “They just wanted to get away from Folsom, but they didn’t want to move too far.”

  I gag on the shame that rises in my throat. The familiar guilt I feel for screwing up Cam’s family resurfaces. “On second thought, I’m not that hungry.”

  Cole nods, a knowing expression on his face. “Well, I am. So I’m gonna go to the diner downstairs and grab a bite. If you change your mind, you can meet me down there.”

  “Okay.” Cole leaves the room, and I sink down on the bed with my head in my hands. I hope I’m not making a terrible mistake by coming here.

  “Are you ready?” Cole asks after I park in front of Cam’s family’s house. It’s a cute little house with stairs leading up to the front door. It kind of reminds me of the homes in Old Folsom.

  I’m wound so tight I feel like a rubber band that’s been stretched too far. The last thing I want to do is walk inside and face Cam’s family. I’d rather gouge out my eyes with a dull spoon. But I’ve come all this way, and I can’t back down now.

  I lay my head back on the vinyl seat. “Give me a minute.” Running my hands down my face, I breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth like I do to slow my heart rate after a run. Ivy’s face comes to mind, giving me a surge of courage. If I want to be with her, I have to do this.

  I turn to face Cole. “Alright. I’m ready.”

  “You sure?” He cocks his head to the side, and I know this is my last chance to get out of it.

  I bite my lip and nod.

  Cole slaps me on the shoulder. “Just remember that I’ve got your back, man.”

  This statement does little to quell my nerves. It only succeeds in bringing on a swarm of angry butterflies to take residence in my stomach. With shaky fingers, I open my door and step out into the crisp air. Pulling my jacket tighter, I step out into the street and make my way around the car. Cole and I walk up the cement walkway and the front stairs to the door. It’s brick red, reminding me of blood.

  My gaze lands on my hands, and I can picture my knuckles slick with Cam’s blood. It turns my stomach and for a second I think I might hurl. Cole knocks, and I rub my palms together trying to keep my emotions in check. Behind the door I can hear heels clicking and then the lock opening. I hold my breath as the door pops open. My gaze takes in the slight woman who answers, and I instantly recognize her as Cam’s mom. When her eyes lock on mine she suppresses a gasp and widens her eyes.

  “What are you doing here?” Her voice is laced with venom.

  I pin my shoulders back and lift my chin. “Hi Mrs. Whittle.”

  “Don’t ‘hi Mrs. Whittle’ me. How dare you come to our house after what you did? You should be in jail, Asher.” Pink splotches appear on her cheeks.

  “Mom,” a familiar voice speaks from behind her, and my insides clench. “I chose not to press charges, remember?”

  I hold my breath as Cam steps into the doorway, pushing his mom out of the way. She flashes him a funny look, and then throws her arms up in exasperation before moving back. Cole gives me a sidelong glance, but I keep my eyes on Cam. He looks just like I remember him, except for the crook in his nose. It’s that one imperfection that I seem to hone in on, knowing that I’m the cause of it.

  “Asher.” His tone hard. Then he peers over at Cole, and his face softens a little. “Cole.”

  “Hey, man.” Cole holds out his hand and Cam tentatively reaches his out too. It’s an awkward, tense moment, reminding me of what my actions caused.

  “Cam,” I say after finding my voice. “Cole and I were hoping we could talk to you for a few minutes.”

  “I’m not sure we have anything to discuss, but I guess you can come in for a minute.”

  It’s so odd to me that this is a boy I used to spend hours with when we were kids. I ate dinners with his family and enjoyed afternoons swimming in his pool in the summers. Now we are complete strangers, enemies even. Cole and I follow Cam inside, his Mom’s gaze boring into my face. I can practically feel the hatred in her eyes.

  “Mom,” Cam admonishes her
. “Let me just talk to them for a little bit, okay? I’ll be fine. It’s not like he’s going to beat me up in my own home.”

  His joke startles me, and the hairs on the back of my neck prickles. Cole nudges me, and I give him a pained expression.

  The foyer is narrow with only a small coat rack and mirror, and ends at a white wooden staircase. To the right is the kitchen, and to the left is a small family room with a large picture window that overlooks the front yard. Cam’s mom escapes into the kitchen while I follow Cam and Cole into the family room. Cam sits on a plaid recliner, and Cole and I plop down on the red couch. Again, flashes of blood fill my mind. I can still picture Cam’s face and shirt covered in it. Forcing myself to breathe, I sit forward and lean over on my elbows.

  Cam raises his brows, sweeping his hands in front of him. “Well, you two came all this way. What do you want to talk about?”

  Cole looks at me expectantly, but my mind is a jumble of letters and words that I can’t quite put together. How do you apologize for something so horrific? Cole clears his throat loudly, and Cam looks on with annoyance. I need to say something.

  “Cam, I wanted to come and apologize.” I pause. “I’m really sorry for what I did.”

  “That’s it?” He fixes me with a glare. “You beat me to a pulp, Asher. You could’ve killed me. I should’ve pressed charges. You’d still be in jail.”

  I rub my wrists, remembering how the handcuffs felt; how they made me claustrophobic. Memories of the cold, dark cell swim through my mind. The feeling of the walls closing in on me, of my life being over, choke me.

  “Why didn’t you?” I’ve always been curious about that.

  Cam leans back in his chair and strokes his chin. “I don’t know. My parents wanted me to. I guess it was because we’d been friends for so long. Also, your mom came and begged me not to. So did Ivy. She said it was all her fault.”

  I find it difficult to draw breath. I had no idea that both Ivy and my mom had gone to Cam. Love for both of them wells up in my throat and I swallow hard. Maybe I’ve been too hard on both of them. Clearly they do care about me.