Noteworthy

by Riley Redgate

  Trav’s reflexes with that arsenal of weapons were frighteningly fast. I averted my eyes from the screen as he took a meat cleaver to a monster’s arm with a messy-sounding squelch. A fitting soundtrack to the carnage I’d endured all afternoon.

  Nestled in the sofa, I rubbed my stomach ruefully. If life had taught me one invaluable lesson, it was that being aware of the walls of your internal organs is universally a bad thing. Right now, if you’d given me a Sharpie, I could have traced a perfect outline of my uterus onto my abdomen. Like using translucent parchment paper to trace an image beneath, if that image was of a war-torn battlefield or a sun exploding or three hundred simultaneous shark attacks.

  Nihal had his sketchpad in his lap next to me. I glanced over and got a jolt—my own face was staring back from a line of facial sketches. The seven of us who were here. Isaac’s face was conspicuously missing.

  “I texted him,” I muttered.

  Nihal’s pen slowed against the page. “Yeah? He say anything?”

  “Nope.”

  Nihal shook his head and outlined one of Erik’s arched eyebrows.

  My phone lit up, blaring my ringtone. Isaac, I thought. That was some timing.

  I grabbed my phone and stood, but when I glanced down, my grip went rigid. The number on the screen didn’t have a contact associated with it—just a string of digits. Of course I recognized that number, though, even if it’d been half a year since I’d deleted it.

  The last time Michael and I had talked, he’d been considering a gap year. I resented my curiosity. Had he ended up at NYU after all, or was he auditioning for Broadway shows instead? Had he gotten that union card and started racking up Equity points? Why was he calling—was he okay, was he safe?

  The urge to pick up was so strong that I wondered for a moment if I was still in love with him. These days, Michael-related thoughts had faded from omnipresent to sporadic—more in the lower single digits per day than in the upper doubles, less of browsing the Internet and wanting to send him everything that made me laugh or think.

  These days, the only ways he lingered were the ways he’d changed me. I knuckled my forehead in late-night exhaustion like he always had, sitting by the Burgess fireside. I highlighted my scripts in two colors, the darker shade reserved for beat shifts; he’d told me I should try it sometime. Really, it helped him memorize, helped him pick what to care about the most. Love was a sea of red ink, and once you folded under the waves, there was no solvent that could scrub it out of your skin. You could only wait to discover what you were when you wandered out of the shallows: something rose, or crimson, or carnelian.

  I hit the Decline button and sat back down on the sofa, exhaustion sinking into me like heat. Even my cramps had suddenly subsided, as if they’d decided that I had enough to deal with at the moment. I couldn’t believe I still wanted to talk to him. You’d think I would have gotten sick of hurting.

  “Who was that?” Nihal said.

  “Ex,” I said before I could stop myself.

  “Ah.” He raised one eyebrow. “Recent?”

  “June.”

  “Not a good ex, I’m assuming.”

  From my other side, Jon Cox grunted, “Good exes are a conspiracy theory.”

  Mama nodded. “Laura,” he said, with significance.

  I glanced around, not liking the looks the others had, as if this was going to turn into an actual discussion. How weird would that be, talking about Michael with the Sharps?

  “I’m just surprised we get reception out here,” I said loudly. Everyone got the hint. Even Trav went back to slaughtering monsters with renewed vigor.

  It was strange, though. As I cracked open the book I’d brought to read, I felt almost disappointed that not one of them had pushed it. Shanice and Jenna would have been happy to let it drop, but Maria would have been all over me, badgering me to vent out every tiny bit of feeling, making sure I didn’t need tea or chocolate or a ranting session. Talk it out, talk it out, she always said, clapping her hands like a coach. Let’s go. Tell me everything. Businesslike in her empathy.

  After a couple minutes, Nihal cleared his throat gently.

  I glanced over at his sketchpad. A caricature stared back: a guy-face with greasy-looking bangs, a lopsided nose, and a sleazy leer. Below it, Nihal had written, Julian’s Ex. Arrows pointing to the picture added helpful taglines like Obviously an idiot, Has definitely been miserable since June, and Julian can do way better.

  I laughed. Delighted, I reached for the sketchpad, but Nihal was already turning the page, a secret smile hinting at his eyes.

  The next morning, we dug into choreographing the other half of our performance set. The first song was “Open Wide.” Trav had reinvented it—his arrangement accelerated from a half-tempo slow jam to a firecracker-fast breakdown section. After five hours straight working on the choreography, we were sweaty, discouraged, and still hadn’t done a complete run of the song with any success.

  “Let’s just move on,” Mama said, checking his watch. We switched to our ballad, “The Clockmaker,” a lilting piece by an overemotional indie band called Hyper Venti Latte.

  In comparison to “Open Wide,” the choreography for “Clockmaker” was blessedly simple. I kept count of the times we dramatically turned, lifted, or dropped our heads. It came to an even dozen.

  We’d finished learning by sunset. My brain felt pumped full of new information, clouds of steps and gestures still hardening into place.

  “One last time,” Mama called, “from the beginning.” We gathered into a clump in the center of the room. Mama’s body was big and soft against my back. Erik’s knobby shoulder dug into my bicep.

  Trav played the starting note on the pitch pipe, counted us in in a whisper, and we started singing.

  Nihal stepped forward, tilting his head upward.

  “You know what they say:

  I can’t ever get out of my own way.

  And I know this, I know all about myself.

  I know myself too well.”

  In the resonant space of the great room, the humming was as otherworldly as celestial noise. We fanned into a line, facing the fireplace. Nihal’s voice carried crisply in the acoustic, and with my part committed so deeply to memory that it was thoughtless, I could finally focus on his words for the first time:

  “So I came down Saturday, beside

  the statue of a man who died twice,

  when his name went quiet, quiet,

  and I met her there, and I met her there . . .”

  Motion seeped into the background parts. In my peripherals, as we shifted formation, Jon Cox’s sturdy body swayed, and Marcus’s round shoulders drifted. The sound grew from a soothing chorus of ooh to a brassy, ringing oh, melding with the solo into something bright and strong.

  “And I asked the clockmaker

  how much it would break her,

  her cogs and bells and wooden ledges,

  her painted face and gilded edges,

  to turn back the dial

  to turn back the dial for a while.”

  The song built up on itself. The bridge began with a sudden hush, a prickling rest, before circling, gathering momentum. It teetered high on that energy—a violent windstorm of sound—and crashed into the final chorus, which whipped by in a rush.

  The last note held, thin and pure. I didn’t want to stop singing. I wanted it to cycle on and on, and when we were done, we’d turn back the dial, and I’d still be here, barefoot on the slick floor of this room, or huddled in the warmth of the Nest as Jon Cox brayed his throaty laugh, or in the back of his convertible on an autumn day as Isaac leaned carelessly out the side and Mama turned up the music. But the last wisp of sound floated up to brush against the high ceiling, and then the moment was gone.

  “Well,” said a voice from behind us. “Guess I didn’t even need to be here.”

  We turned as one to find Isaac leaning against the archway into the kitchen. At his feet lay a long duffel bag and his guitar case. His hands
were shoved deep in his pockets, the ends of his dark jeans crusted with snow.

  The silence of the end of the piece hung over us. Nobody spoke.

  The tip of Isaac’s long nose traced undecided shapes in the air as he looked around. His eyes couldn’t fix anywhere. They scanned the fireplace. Our bare feet. The steep staircase against the other wall. “My—” he said, and stopped. He swallowed, took a second, and tried again. “My dad’s out of the hospital. So I thought I should stop being a dickhead and show up.”

  “Your dad’s what?” Mama said.

  Nihal and I glanced at the others. Stunned to silence, all of them. The look of comprehension on Trav’s face was painful to see.

  Isaac’s eyes wandered again. Discomfort settled into every inch of his face, every line of his body. He bowed under it, narrow shoulders slumped. “Listen,” he said, “I’m going to take my stuff upstairs.”

  Jon Cox’s head bobbed.

  Isaac slung his duffel over his shoulder and crossed the room, his head ducked. He retreated with his tail between his legs. It occurred to me that as much as the guy hunted the spotlight, he obviously hadn’t figured out how to deal with it.

  “Hey! That’s my hotel,” Marcus protested, leaning over the coffee table to grab at Jon Cox’s pastel heaps of money. “C’mon—I—pay up.”

  Jon Cox clapped his hand over Marcus’s eyes and flicked the red plastic hotel off the board. “What hotel?” he said innocently. “I don’t see—what are you talking about?”

  Marcus pulled away. “I totally called this,” he asked, looking mutinous. “It hasn’t even been a month since the election, and corruption’s already taking over.”

  “Oh, boy,” I muttered.

  “Here we go,” Jon Cox said, swirling his drink before downing the last of it. “Hey, Marcus, can you give me ten more minutes? I’m not drunk enough for the whole Republicans-are-Satan thing yet.”

  “Well, they are,” Marcus grumbled. “Free trade.”

  “Get thee to an economics class, thou filthy liberal!” Jon Cox declared in a truly despicable attempt at an English accent. “Wouldst thou like to take this outside and duel for thy honor?” He brandished a finger at the front door.

  “Thine honor,” Nihal said absentmindedly, drawing a card from the board.

  Jon Cox rolled his eyes. “Thanks, Nihal.”

  “Hey, guys?” Isaac said. He was sitting on the ground in front of the hearth, looking small and folded.

  Everyone around the game board paused, and we could hear the uneven licking of the fire again. Trav lifted his pen from his journal, which was open to a spread of staff paper that he’d covered in chord analysis. From the couch, Erik looked up from his phone. He hadn’t set it down all night.

  Isaac was picking strands from his bun, pulling thoughts out of place. “I should apologize for the last couple weeks. I don’t know why I took it out on everyone.” He sounded strangled but determined, as if his voice were a solid object that he was trying to cram through the crack of a closed door. “Obviously I think this matters. Not just the music. This.” He swung one of his full-body indications around at us, busy arm and bothered torso and sweeping eyes. “Sharps has been my most important thing for a fifth of my life, which, apparently, means I can get shitty and complacent about it, because—I don’t know. I guess that’s what you do with everything you care about. You forget how to care about it right. So.” He grimaced. “I didn’t say sorry. I’m sorry. There.”

  “We should apologize, too,” I said. The Sharps’ eyes fell on me. I didn’t back down. “We should’ve noticed there was something wrong.” I hoped he heard what was behind the words. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I snapped at you, sorry I saw that flash of disappointment from you and didn’t understand what it meant, sorry I saw you pulling away and assumed it was selfishness.

  A sigh issued from the last person I expected. “I agree,” Trav said. He twisted the stud in his ear over and over. It refracted the firelight. “This year has been rocky, and to a degree, I think it’s my fault.”

  Isaac eyed Trav curiously. “Why?”

  “My parents told me they’re coming to watch the competition, and I want them to know what this means.” After a moment, Trav shook his head. “Singing is what makes me feel like I’m here. But I know for most people, it’s the opposite: They’re here because they like to sing. That’s valid. It doesn’t have to be your life’s blood. There is actually more to the world than a cappella.” His eyes twinkled with firelight. “Or so people keep trying to tell me.”

  The thickness of the air loosened a bit, and Marcus shifted, and Nihal was holding back a smile. Mama had that serene look he sometimes wore when he forced us to listen to Handel.

  “Anyway,” Trav said. “I’ll accept your apology for showing up late, but nothing else. And even that’s—well, I drove here myself. So maybe your dramatics were worth it.”

  “What, the whole way?” Isaac said.

  “Yes.”

  I expected some sarcastic jab about the number of casualties, but Isaac’s mouth pressed into a small and genuine smile. “That’s awesome.”

  “Thank you,” Trav said. We were all quiet for a second. I watched Trav carefully. There was less tension in him than usual, from his expression down to his folded hands.

  Without a further word, Trav went back to his journal. The others returned to their conversations, but I kept watching. He dotted note heads on the staff with precision and intent, as if he were the captain of a ship charting a course home.

  My phone alarm rang at 3:15 a.m. I silenced it, slid out from between the sheets, and lifted the fluffy towel from the end of the bed.

  Wrapped up, I crept down the curving staircase to the second floor. The sound of Jon Cox’s aggressive snoring rumbled through the door of the master bedroom as I slunk by. The cold floorboards issued protests under my toes, every step a conspicuous squeak. I hurried toward the bathroom, ducked in, and slid the lock into place with a satisfying shunk. Safe.

  A glass door separated the shower from the rest of the bathroom. I cracked it open, stepped in, and twisted a thin chrome handle. Steaming water cascaded from the broad showerhead to the silvery tile.

  Hot water coaxed the tension out of my muscles. I scrubbed shampoo through my hair, letting the water trickle between my roots. Soon I stepped out, glancing at the mirror. I placed the flat of my palm to the glass and swiped a gap into the condensation; then, after a moment, I wiped the whole mirror clear.

  I looked different. I always lost weight at school, with the healthy food to eat and the campus to walk, but this was something else. More even than my new posture, head held higher, the squareness of my shoulders, the straightness in my back. Something in my eyes, maybe. I looked brazen.

  I wondered if, when I stopped playing Julian, his influence would leave my body piece by piece, like the slow replacement of dead cells. I didn’t like the idea. This new face was a treasure I’d stumbled upon. I always wanted to look this sure of myself.

  I thought of ignoring Michael’s call earlier. In retrospect, I felt strong having done it. At the beginning of the year, I would have given in. Jordan didn’t have this much control, this much agency. In the battle between the halves of myself, I felt like she’d finally been eclipsed; only a crescent glow of her still peeked out.

  Exhaustion crept over me. I thought of Shanice’s fierce loyalty, Jenna’s clowning and posturing, Maria’s warmth. I could hardly remember what it felt like to have a history. When the girls looked at me, they saw seventeen years of me. The Sharps barely had a few months. And now I was this, something new, so quickly, and what was it? Was I happy this way?

  I swept the towel from the rack and wrapped it around myself. I hit the lights, peered out the door, and crept back down the hall. I accelerated as I went, dashing for the steps. Past all the guys’ bedrooms.

  A door swung open in front of me.

  Shit—

  I tried to stop, but my wet feet squeaked against the h
ardwood, and I wheeled off-balance. One hand flailed out, grabbing the doorjamb, swinging me into the person standing in the doorway. My other hand let go of my towel, which, for a second, slipped down to my waist. I snatched it back into place, but too late.

  As I righted myself, Isaac stared down at me with total astonishment.

  “Julian?” he breathed. “What—what is—what?”

  I stepped back, the world splintering in my head. Run, was my first, stupid, thought. Sprint down the steps and away, and never look back. Second instinct: whack Isaac on the head with the nearest heavy object. That always messed up short-term memory in movies, right? Third thought: If I have latent powers of invisibility, now would be an awesome time for them to show up.

  He let out a tiny, incredulous sound, but I held one finger to my lips, giving my head a violent shake. This was no time for Isaac-babble. I grabbed his forearm, dragged him around the door, and yanked him up to the attic.

  Once the attic door clicked shut, I hit the lights and faced him. His bleary eyes wouldn’t focus. “What is happening?” he jabbered. “Are you—is—”

  “Shh. Hey. Calm down.” I glanced down at myself, at the towel I was still clutching. “Turn around, okay?”

  Looking pretty much catatonic, Isaac rotated to face the round window.

  I grabbed my T-shirt and sweatpants from the bed, pulled them on, and hung the towel from a hook on the door. “All right,” I said. “So.”

  Isaac turned back around, looking like he’d figured it out. “So, um, you’re trans? Sorry I freaked out, it—”

  “No.”

  His bafflement reappeared. “Then—”

  “I’m a girl. I’ve just been cross-dressing.” I scrambled for words. “Everything else I told you is true. I swear. Who I am, where I’m from.” I sat on the edge of the bed. “Except, um, my name’s Jordan, and I’m not a guy.”

  He gave his head a hard shake, and then another, as if he were trying to dislodge a stubborn bit of water from his ear. “But why did you—why are you doing this?”