Rash Decisions

by Alex Rosa

  I try to find a sense of calm in her living space, but it’s too pretty for me, kind of like its inhabitant. I strum my fingers over my chin as my eyes drag over her pristine, contemporary coffee table and chic rug until they meet the her eyes. She’s watching me curiously, and I don’t know why, but I want to cry.

  I blink a few times to stop.

  I can still feel Troy's fingerprints all over my body, and how my whole being aches in delicious ways. I wish I could be happy about this, but I can’t. I’ve gotten myself into a situation where I’m not allowed to bask in it.

  “Julia, you’re weirding me out.”

  A sad huff of a laugh skirts between my lips. My eyebrows angle downwards as I look at her. “I’m so messed up, and I’m terrified to say it all out loud.”

  She shrugs. “I bet you I’ve done worse.”

  This time I really do laugh. I shake out my shoulders, losing my bearings, and in an attempt to find them I speak. “I haven’t been home all weekend.” It feels shameful to start there, but I don’t know how else to begin.

  Megan’s giddy expression as she leaps onto the couch next to me has me twisting my lips into a grimace.

  “Oh! Did you stay over at Noa—“ She watches the slow shake of my head. Her face softens, not into judgment, but of understanding. “Oh … not Noah’s.”

  I nod. “It’s complicated.”

  “I’ve been there.”

  “Cheating?”

  This time remorse flits over her face, and it humanizes her perfect features. “Yeah, a few times actually. I was ruthless when it came to men’s hearts, but I didn’t know better. Actually, if you want to know the truth, I didn’t understand it until just recently. When I found out Todd was cheating, it destroyed me. I don’t know if those other men loved me, but they were definitely infatuated, and I loved the attention. But when I found out Todd was cheating on me, it tore me from the inside out.”

  It’s like she punches me in the stomach. My feet that were curled underneath me fly out and flatten on her plush carpet as my body leans over my knees and I cradle my face in my hands.

  I’m not crying, no. I’m not sobbing either, but my body’s natural instinct is to let my tear ducts have their way with me. I hate it. I wipe at the corners of my eyes. Sure, guilt is natural, but this is also painful.

  “Noah is wonderful,” escapes my lips.

  I’m not staring at Megan. I can’t yet. Instead, I force my tear ducts to obey and halt their leaking as I try and focus on the completely pointless coffee table centerpiece of a white ceramic bowl holding wicker-woven balls. It seems so ridiculous, so unnecessary, and does nothing for my clueless mind.

  I feel Megan’s hand rub my back, but she stays silent, so I keep going.

  “I really like Noah. Actually, I think if I allowed myself I could fall in love with him. I knew that when I fell into his arms and he asked me out, but …”

  “But what?” Megan asks, and I can hear the caution in her tone.

  I sit up and force myself to get comfortable again, crossing my legs under me as I finally look at her.

  “I’m afraid you’re going to hate me, but this secret is eating me alive. I know what I’m going to do now, but …” I let out a long exhale. “… But I just need to talk about it. Can I trust you, Megan?”

  Her eyes widen when the word trust comes out of my mouth.

  “You trust me?” she squeaks.

  I love that Megan can make me laugh right now. I tilt my head to the side, eyeing her nearly equal pathetic face to mine. “Well, when you confirm I can, I will.”

  Her little body leaps. “Of course you can trust me! I trust you, Jules.”

  I’m thankful for my crazy neighbor, no matter how accidentally bitchy she can be. She’s honest. She’s my friend.

  “What I’m about to tell you is going to shock you.”

  She shakes her head. “Does it have anything to do with drinking tequila in Tijuana?”

  I scrunch my brows together. “What? No.”

  “Then it’s doubtful you’ll shock me.”

  I chuckle again. I want to tell her to stop doing that, but the truth of the matter is I’m so damn thankful she somehow manages to get these bits of laughter to squeeze out of me.

  “I tried making it work with Noah. This isn’t his fault. I wanted to be what he deserves, but I made this huge mistake. Remember that night you let me borrow your little black dress for the work thing?”

  “My man-killer dress? Oh, hells yes.”

  My lips twitch wanting to smirk. “Remember how I told you I have this annoyingly hot but totally jerk-faced work associate that was going to be there?”

  She nods, but recognition flickers in her hazel orbs. Never mind her blond hair, she’s much smarter than she looks.

  She gasps. “Troy. How did I not put the pieces together?”

  My heart skips a beat at hearing his name. I nod.

  “What happened that night, Jules?” she asks. Her whole demeanor shifts back into caution and concern … but it’s sincere, always sincere.

  “I didn’t know they were brothers,” I blurt out. My brows knitting together tightly.

  She senses my panic and places a hand on my knee. It’s firm and comforting. There’s no judgment. I expected her to be mad. My friends back home would call me a slut as a joke, but secretly mean it as they lecture me on morality.

  She’s silent, but her eyes tell me to go on.

  “I couldn’t stop it from happening. Megan, it’s really hard to explain, but Troy, I don’t know, there’s this attraction I’ve never felt before. At first I thought it was just a result of our jarring work relationship. Ya know, the whole play-fighting thing that can cross the line into flirting? But this is so different. It’s a whole different level to attraction. I tried keeping my distance, but he’s like a magnet, an infuriating magnet.” I rub at my face. I remember that night. I could’ve stopped it, but I didn’t want to. I keep this to myself. “I slept with him that night, Meg. I even—“

  She cuts me off and I feel a funny squeeze at where her hand is on my knee.

  “Was it amazing?” she asks.

  I peer up at her eyes and offer her an honest smirk even though my shoulders slump, affected by the guilt. “For sure amazing, actually.”

  “Figures.” She sighs. “He would be a good lay. He looks it. At least there’s that.” Her careless shoulder lift and look of not necessarily approval, but more like girly appreciation has me wanting to let out more insane bits of laughter. I sigh cathartically instead.

  “It’s okay, Jules,” she cajoles, nodding for me to continue.

  “I snuck out the next morning. I pegged Troy for being the kind of guy who expected it anyway, but things were different between us, I think. There was a level of intimacy that I didn’t think one-night stands could have, but whatever, I woke up the next morning and figured none of that mattered. Noah’s a catch, and I had made a terrible mistake. I was hell bent on ridding myself of the situation. I knew I had betrayed Noah, but I was never going to let him know. I thought I could end it or just brush it all under the rug. I thought Troy was going to agree. Yet, before I could get a word in, I find out they’re brothers—BROTHERS!” I blurt. “Even when I was given the chance to tell Troy that I was choosing Noah, he told me to dump him.”

  “He what?”

  “Yeah. He pretty much ended up saying all the things that I knew I was feeling on the inside, but because I had made this huge mistake I was driven by the fact that Noah deserved a fair chance because he was mine first. I knew I had feelings for Troy, I’ve always known that, but Noah was something that felt right. Troy felt wrong in these circumstances. So, I fought him on it. He hated it. I tried moving on and put in the effort with Noah, but every time I thought I was giving our relationship a fighting chance something would happen with Troy that would bring us closer than I would allow Noah to get to me.”

  “You’ve been
sleeping with Troy this whole time?” she asks.

  My face pales as I screech, “No-No-No! Not at all. Just the once.” I pause and decide to save our morning encounter for the end. “Only that one night, but Troy never once let me forget how he felt about me, even if he knew I was dating his brother. It hurt him. We became friends. I grew close to his daughter. But I had to focus on Noah. I chose him, but it was getting harder and harder to convince myself it was the right thing to do. I tried sleeping with Noah. I told myself if we had sex it would replace the feelings I had for Troy.”

  “So, you slept together?”

  I shake my head, embarrassed. “I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I was so confused. That’s when I knew something was wrong, but I figured it out now.”

  “You did?” she exclaims, “this is crazy, Jules.”

  “It is!” I throw my hands in the air this time, frustrated. “I babysat Lizzy, Troy’s daughter—“

  “Troy has a daughter?” she asks wide-eyed.

  I nod. “And he’s kind of perfect with her.”

  “Damn him. A good lay and a hot dad? This guy needs to stop.”

  “RIGHT?”

  Finally, we share a laugh together, but I shake it off as if I’m breaking some sort of moral code by laughing. “He asked me to stay the night.”

  “You didn’t!”

  “Have sex with him that night? No, not exactly. We just … cuddled.”

  She wrinkles her nose. “Cuddled? Did he feel you up?” I shake my head. “He didn’t cop a feel at all?”

  I shake my head again. “No. Maybe not until this morning. That’s when I knew I needed to break up with Noah.”

  She nods her head, humming, “Yeah, that seems for the best. I mean, you can’t say you didn’t try.”

  I want to hug her. “Am I a horrible person?”

  She gives me a tight, supportive smile. “Only a little bit based on principle, but I know some girls who do a whole hell of a lot worse.”

  My body shakes and I don’t know what’s happening until suddenly a sniffle erupts from me. Am I about to cry? Yup. I’m about to cry.

  Megan throws her arms around me in a hug, my arms pinned to my sides but I bask in the comfort for a moment. I sniff back the tears that want to come, and stop the sobs, and instead focus on taking a deep breath.

  “Do you know what the worst part about this situation?” I ask.

  Megan pulls away. She feels safe to let me speak even if I am still sniffling.

  I continue, “I’m kind of giddy right now. I want to smile. I want to gush like girls over my morning, but I can’t.”

  Megan pouts while shaking her head as she says, “And what’s even worse is, I want to hear all about it.”

  I sigh, running an anxious hand through my hair, my fingers getting caught in the bed-headed sex tangles. “Noah doesn’t deserve this.”

  “He really is a nice guy,” she adds.

  My head perks up a bit. “Have you ever considered Noah?”

  Her face empties of emotion. “Jules, just stop. You can’t—“

  “I know, I know! I’m just saying I bet you two would be an incredible pair. Hell, he was never going to get me to eat kale.”

  Shocking me she grabs both my shoulders and shakes me. “Julia!”

  “Wh-why are you sh-shaking me?”

  “Because you’re talking crazy right now. You can’t pawn off your soon to be ex on my sad, hopeless soul,” she pauses, and it catches my attention as I lift my chin and give her a raised brow. “Even if he is super-hot, like—“

  “—Please! See, you two could really work!”

  She shakes me more violently this time while letting out a laugh, “Stop it!” she halts her shaking and holds me out at arm’s length, flashing her wry amusement. “Julia, we are just now becoming great friends. I don’t want to mess everything up by dating your ex. It’s not cool. I could barely handle the date with you’re coworker.”

  She’s right. “I know, but I swear it wouldn’t bother me like you think it would. I’m the idiot.” I shake my head, realizing I need to stop. “Sorry. This is all stupid of me to say. You’re going through a rough time. I shouldn’t be pushing off my troubles carelessly onto you. I do care about Noah a lot … and you.”

  She lets go and waves her hand in the air. “It’s totally fine. I am having a tough time, that’s for sure. I’m glad nothing worked out between Troy and me then. I would have felt awful if you told me all this and I had made the mistake of screwing him. I haven’t even confessed my own secret of how I tried to screw Troy, but I ended up crying in his arms over my ex. Most embarrassing moment of my life that he has somehow not ruined me with.”

  I want to laugh, but I can’t help myself as this little smirk squeezes through as I say, “Troy has a way of keeping secrets.”

  Megan must sense my wistful notion as she giggles and shoves at my chest. “Oh god, you’re so smitten it’s fucking disgusting. So, tell me what your plan is for Noah, then I’ll tell you how I ugly-cried Troy out of my front door, and then you can tell me how amazing this morning was.”

  I pull in deep breath. It feels like the first real refreshing one since leaving Troy’s apartment.

  “Oh, and Jules? Seeing as you somehow have a barrage of hunky guys at your disposal that you’ve been tossing my way, I’ll totally call dibs on the next one. That’s if I can also get my shit together.”

  “I was serious when I said I wouldn’t be upset if you wanted to see Noah.”

  “I get it,” she barks. “Now, how are you going to let this poor guy down? And how the hell will you manage the other?”

  “Let’s brainstorm?”

  “Yes, let’s!” she mocks, “I’ll get the wine.”

  Thank god.

  It’s Thursday, and sitting across from Julia at this conference room table is torture. She keeps shooting me small smirks whenever she pretends to write something down, but Paul keeps talking. He’s been flipping through our presentation boards like a mad man.

  “This is fantastic! I love this design. Do the Soleils like it?”

  Julia’s paying better attention than me as she perks her head up to look at him and replies, “absolutely.”

  She trails off into design details and I get a glimpse of her perfect profile. Her chestnut hair is in a messy bun atop her head, and I love the wavy bits of hair that fall around her face. It has me remembering her in my bed in the morning, and how she haphazardly attempted the same hairstyle after sex. My lower half twitches at the memory, too.

  She turns to me, catching me in my gawk as she asks with a knowing smile, “Troy, did you already schedule the contractors to begin?”

  Her eyebrow raise following her words tells me she’s trying to get me more involved in the conversation. I’ve been in a daze for days. I try to pull myself together.

  “I did.” I shuffle through my papers and pull out a schedule. “Starting as soon as next week, we will have plumbers in there redrafting new pipes for the bar and upstairs bathroom.”

  She tips her chin in approval as we both turn to look at Paul. He nods his jubilant agreement. “I’m so proud that you two managed to find some common ground. This partnership with the Soleils will mean great things for our reputation, and hell, if the club’s a big hit you’ll put us on the map. How well did the Santa Monica club go for you, Julia?”

  Her slow smile tells me she’s quite proud of that accomplishment. “Incredibly well.”

  Paul rolls his eyes. “How lucky for my dear brother. Should I feel guilty that I stole you away?”

  Julia’s cheeks pink a delightful color that reminds me of sunrises. I shake my head. I’ve been a punch-drunk fool since Sunday, yet I haven’t spoken to Jules other than our cordial public hellos in the office. It’s been torture, and we’ve been busy. Not to mention, I’ve had to skip out early twice this week to pick up Lizzy from school.

  “Fantastic. How long will the Soleil
s be in town?” Paul asks as he piles his papers together, signaling the end of the meeting.

  I try to get more of my bearings, choosing to answer. “I think only for a few more days. They have to head back to Paris, but will be returning by the end of the month to follow up. I’m sure weekly video conferencing seems in the cards though.”

  “Anal bastards,” Paul quips. “If we have to, I guess, since it’s their money.”

  It’s a dry joke that Jules and I gift our laughter to.

  “I just knew you two would make an excellent team.” Paul strides up to Julia. “I’m proud of you, Precious.” He lightly presses an adoring kiss to the top of her head.

  “Unnncclleee …” she whines.

  “I own the company, I only have to be so professional.”

  She rolls her eyes and rises from the table as Paul exits the room. Focusing on her papers, she hasn’t looked up at me. She only continues to fiddle with her binder and piles, shielding her face from mine.

  I stroll around the large table curiously, and keep my eyes on the door until I reach it and then close it.

  The sound of it clicking shut causes her to stand up straight and turn around. Her lips twist with feigned disapproval, but the corners of her mouth give her away as she attempts to hide her smile.

  I stick my hand in my slacks pockets as I stroll over to her.

  “Troy, what are you doing?”

  “Are you suggesting you’d prefer me to leave and head back to my office?”

  She takes a step forward and grabs for my tie, pulling me toward her. I don’t expect it, but I grin as I stumble against her.

  “What do you think?” she asks as she looks up at me, and I know what she’s doing. With her it’s always a play by play. She’s made the first move, and it’s my turn to make the next.

  When I’m near her I feel fearless.

  With my hands still nonchalantly in my pockets, and her right hand still tightly gripped around my tie, I lean my head down the short distance so my lips press themselves against hers.

  It’s obviously a forbidden thing, but when her lips make contact with mine, it feels worth it. I can even feel it in her body as it relaxes against mine while she lets my lips pick up pace against hers.