But something in my chest had gone cold.
It wasn’t only the Wreg and Jon thing.
It was me. I was missing too much.
I’d known that, somewhere in the back of my mind, but it hit home somehow in those few seconds after Revik spoke, in a way that actually scared me. I was missing a lot more than I had any right to be missing, given everything going on right now. I’d been missing too much for weeks now, which made me wonder how gradually the realization had crept up on me.
Maybe it even started before. Maybe as far back as when I left the Lao Hu.
The more I thought about it, the angrier I got at myself for ignoring it until now.
I’d been in my own damned world, using sight from dreams, from Feigran, from things Revik and Jon and the others said––or, before he died, from Vash. I’d probably been leaning on Revik a lot more than I realized, too.
Maybe I’d only noticed in the first place because Revik’s sight was injured.
A pain hit my chest at the thought.
Shit, maybe that had always been the case.
Revik had never been injured like this before. Not since I’d known him––not in terms of his aleimi. Remembering the dreams I’d been having, the flickers of China still lingering behind my eyes, I frowned, biting my lip until I tasted blood.
When I glanced up next, Revik was watching me, a worried look on his face. I didn’t answer the implicit question in his eyes, but gave him a neutral look.
“How far along is it?” I said. “As far as you and I were, after Seattle?”
“No.” Revik shook his head. “Well… it’s different. For one thing, they’re already sexually involved, so it’s happening differently. Anyway, you and me… we were kind of a fluke, Allie. Usually it doesn’t happen like that. I mean, it’s not unprecedented, but it’s rare. Usually a bond forms in stages. Each individual in the couple generally has a sense of resistance to the bond. Each of those resistances gets resolved, sometimes one by one before the connection solidifies into a true life-bond, like ours. Ours just… fell, I guess.”
Revik’s face reddened slightly. “…The resistance part, I mean. At least on the energetic side, if not on the emotional or mental side. Probably because we’d been mates in previous incarnations. If you believe the scriptures, anyway.”
I knew Revik was still a little leery with me around his religious beliefs, so I didn’t answer other than to nod. I glanced at Wreg.
“You haven’t talked to him about it?” I said. “Jon.”
“Once.” Wreg looked at me, his eyes still apologetic. He shrugged with one hand. “But we didn't talk.”
“So he doesn’t know anything’s changed?” I looked at Revik again. “Could that be why he’s freaking out? I remember how you and I acted in Seattle.”
Revik only nodded, his expression unmoving.
I saw his eyes returning to mine more often than usual, though. I could tell he was still trying to figure out what was going on with me, and whether he’d caused it.
I felt glimmers of his worry that he’d put his foot in his mouth, blurting out the thing about the Wreg-Jon bond, or maybe by refusing to let me speak with Jon personally. I was shielding from him, too, which probably didn’t help, but I didn’t lower my guard, keeping my mind mostly blank even behind the shield.
“You should go talk to him, Revik,” I said. “I can meet the three of you at the bar later. I shouldn’t go down there with Wreg, for the reasons you said. Just ping me when you think Jon’s going to be okay with seeing me.”
“You’re all right with that?” Revik said, wary.
“Sure,” I said. “Of course.”
“Where will you be?” His eyes and voice remained wary.
“I have something I need to do up here,” I lied. “It won’t take long. I’m sure I’ll be done before you.” Seeing the scrutiny in Revik’s eyes intensify, I blew a warm cloud of light in his direction. “It’s fine. I’m just a little thrown at how much of this I missed, that's all.”
That part was true, at least.
When I glanced back at Wreg, he was staring at me, too, right before his eyes shifted between Revik and me.
“I’m sorry, Wreg,” I said, meaning that, too. “This is my fault. I should have talked to Jon about some of this before. Warned him, at least.”
The Chinese-looking seer shook his head. “Forget it, princess. It wouldn’t have helped. How do you prepare someone for this? You can’t.”
I didn’t answer, watching as he lowered his head to his hand. A whisper of fatigue left his light, along with more of that grief, truthfully more than I could really stand that time, at least not without touching him, or trying to comfort him in some way.
I pulled back instead, keeping my light well out of his.
Revik clapped him on the back, as if to pull Wreg’s mind back to the room, rubbing his shoulder. A few seconds later, he rose to his feet. That time, Wreg followed without protest, heading for the door under Revik’s prodding hands.
Revik glanced at me a last time, his fingers resting on the handle of the door.
“I won’t be long, Allie,” he said, watching my face.
I nodded, keeping my expression still.
I didn’t move until the door had already closed behind them.
25
NEVER SAY NEVER
I TOOK THE service elevator to the basement.
I didn’t run into anyone, which struck me as strange until I remembered that more than half of our team was probably asleep. It wasn’t until I reached the last stretch of corridor before the control room that I saw or felt another soul.
Then I got an immediate ping from Garend.
I felt another from Tenzi less than a second later.
Both of them felt more than a little surprised when they realized who I was.
I showed them enough of my aleimi that they knew why I’d come pretty much right off. So when Tenzi poked his head out of the locked booth, he looked nervous already, his eyes bright, and yeah, tired-looking.
“Esteemed Bridge,” he said in open surprise. “What are you doing here, beloved sister?”
I laughed. “Didn’t I just show you?”
The seer appeared to be briefly stumped. “Well, yes.”
“Is Balidor around?” I scanned lightly as I said it, but I had zero doubt ‘Dori would have come down here to check on restraint protocols for this prisoner personally. Truthfully, I hoped he’d finished his rounds by now, and was deep asleep.
Garend clicked his tongue, shaking his head and gesturing a no. His brown hair had gotten longer, I noticed. It was now almost as long as Wreg’s new hair cut.
I couldn’t help smiling ruefully at the thought, wondering just how much the Seven and Adhipan and ex-Rebels were all rubbing off on each other.
“You just missed him, Esteemed Bridge,” Tenzi added, brushing black hair back from strong, Asian features. “I think he went to go see that seer he’s dating… the one from Seattle. He said any further interrogation of prisoners, even this one, could wait. His exact words were, ‘let him stew a bit’.”
At my faint smile, Tenzi shrugged, his eyes growing more tense when he added, “Anyway, he thinks we have a new problem.”
I frowned. “Great. What?”
“He thinks Ditrini belongs to Shadow, not the Lao Hu,” Garend broke in. “Brother Balidor told him what was happening in Beijing, and that fucker barely blinked.”
Seeming to realize what he’d said, he blanched.
“…Pardon my language.”
I smiled, clicking in amusement. “I hang out with Wreg, Garend.”
The Eastern European seer grinned back at me. Even so, I felt my stomach tighten as I turned over his words, remembering fleeting pictures from my dreams of that morning. I did my best to keep it out of my light, though.
“I’d like to see those transcripts, if you don’t mind,” I said.
Garend’s expression turned wary. He exchanged a look with Tenzi
. “Respectfully, Esteemed Bridge… but why?”
I stared at him. “Is that respectful, brothers?” Waiting a beat, I talked over my own question when I saw them both blanch and stammer. “I need to go in there. I need to ask him a question. I’d prefer to see the transcripts first, so I know what brother Balidor and brother Declan have done with the prisoner already.”
Garend’s jaw dropped.
He and Tenzi exchanged another look, both of their faces paling more.
Finally, after what might have been a silent conversation between the two of them, Garend faced me, shaking his head slowly. The clicking sound he made held an apology, but I couldn’t help but hear the harder tone beneath.
“Esteemed Bridge,” he said, softer. “Most respected Bridge… Adhipan Balidor doesn’t want you going anywhere near this prisoner. Balidor was concerned about you even seeing the transcripts. He doesn’t want the Sword to look at them, either, but––”
“––Because he’s afraid he’d kill him,” Tenzi broke in, blunt. “This Lao Hu fuck already got ‘Dori to lose control and hit him, which is maybe a first. He never even did that with your husband. You know… Syrimne. Back when he was bad,” he finished lamely.
My face grew taut.
I’d expected pushback from Balidor, sure. I knew Ditrini, so on that level, nothing they’d said surprised me overly. I’d expected cautions and finger-wagging and overprotective warnings.
I hadn’t expected an outright refusal.
Fighting back my annoyance, I looked between them, folding my arms.
“I understand,” I said.
Garend looked relieved. “I appreciate that, Esteemed Sister––”
“––Yet Balidor works for me,” I said, sharper. “I understand his concern, brothers. I respect his choices and his recommendations, always. But in this case, I’m afraid I disagree with him. My discomfort isn’t enough of a reason for me to avoid interacting with a prisoner who may have vitally important information. Time sensitive information,” I said, emphasizing the words. “Information vital to our safety here.”
Pausing at their silence, I added, “Since brother Balidor is not here to brief me in person, I would like to see the transcripts. Now.”
Garend paled. “Does the boss know you’re here?” he said, his voice lower.
My jaw hardened more.
“If you mean my husband,” I said, colder. “I wasn’t aware I needed his permission to interrogate one of our prisoners, either. Am I mistaken on the chain of command, dear brothers? If so, please illuminate me.”
I used formal Prexci that time, a fact that didn’t go unnoticed by either of them.
“Of course not, Esteemed Bridge,” Garend said, sounding appalled. He bowed when I didn’t answer, even as Tenzi did the same. “…Your every wish is ours to fulfill, beloved sister. We only wish to look out for your safety. Not to question your orders in any way.”
“I appreciate that,” I said, subduing my voice. “However, I suspect these concerns are wholly unnecessary, given what I know of brother Balidor’s proficiency with security protocols. Can you tell me what’s been done with the prisoner so far? Have preliminary scans been completed on his light?”
“Yes, Esteemed Bridge,” Garend said hastily, still keeping his face below mine. “Balidor looked over all the work done by Declan and the rest of the team himself. That Lao Hu filth has been drugged now, as well, as of eight a.m. this morning. Balidor approved several dosage changes after receiving the briefing from Declan. Since then, we’ve been moving the line in increments, trying to get a sense of his tolerance.”
“And how is it?” I said. “His tolerance?”
“High,” Tenzi admitted. “Not your husband high, but high.”
Tenzi still looked nervous, but he’d fallen into a more subservient posture, as well.
Both seers grew silent, looking at each other before watching me.
“Balidor adjusted the gas triggers slightly too, Allie, and changed a few of the limits in terms of motion-detection,” he added.
Blanching, probably because of what he’d just called me, he made a respectful sign with one hand as nerves once more crossed his expression. I saw the apology there, even before he spoke.
“…A thousand pardons for our questioning your wishes in any way, Esteemed Sister,” he said. “And a thousand pardons for what I’m about to say now… but the Sword will kill us if we let you go in there. You must know that. Chain of command or no, he would expect us to risk any amount of personal hardship to protect you, even the wrath of your most respected person.”
He used formal Prexci that time, as well.
Smiling at them both, I made a reassuring gesture with one hand.
“I understand your concerns, brothers… I do. I’ll make sure brother Sword doesn’t hold either of you responsible for my actions. I would hope he had enough respect for me, and faith in your and brother Balidor’s abilities, that this would not need to be an ongoing question every time I decide to do something without his immediate involvement.”
Looking between them, I sighed, more inside than out.
“I do not enjoy bullying my brothers,” I added, in more of my regular voice. “But I don’t have time for this constant questioning of my orders due to perceived risks to my safety… risks that are perfectly acceptable, apparently, to everyone on our team except me. So unless you refuse to honor my rank due to the kind protectiveness of my husband, I suggest you proceed to do whatever it is you need to do to assure yourselves that you will not be exposing me to any danger when I enter that interrogation room.”
Seeing the confused look rising to both of their faces, even before they exchanged another set of glances, I added, again consciously de-formalizing my Prexci,
“…I am also ordering you to keep Barrier silence regarding these interviews, unless and until I give you explicit permission otherwise. I have my own reasons for this. I will do you the courtesy of telling you that they do not pertain only or even primarily to protecting my husband from his fears for me. In any case, I intend to brief him myself on my findings.”
When I saw Tenzi and Garend hesitate again, I sharpened my voice.
“I shouldn’t have had to say that. But I would rather if my wishes on this front were crystal clear… in the event any repercussions ended up being required later.”
That time, I saw both of them pale, even as they exchanged another worried look.
They both seemed to make up their minds in the same set of seconds.
Tenzi stepped forward, making the respectful sign of the Bridge.
“We do not need to do anything further, Esteemed Bridge,” he said, his head below mine a second time, maybe in case the hand signal hadn’t been clear enough. “The prisoner is secure. Balidor approved our protocols in full, prior to those small adjustments I mentioned. You may go in whenever you wish. Do you still wish to see the transcripts first? We can cue them for you in the control room, so that you may see the Barrier signatures, too––”
“Thank you,” I said. “And no. I changed my mind. I will ask my questions of him first, and look at the transcripts afterwards. Balidor won’t have asked him what I’m about to ask him, and I know Ditrini well enough to know just how ‘useful’ his answers have likely been up until now.”
Garend grunted humorlessly, exuding anger.
“You’d be right about that,” he muttered.
Nodding, I fought a sudden tightness in my chest, trying to keep it off my face.
If I was going to do this, I wanted it over with. Fast.
Leaving the door of the security booth, Tenzi walked to the next door along the hall.
I felt my jaw clench as I watched him go through the security protocol over the door.
I hadn’t seen Ditrini since I’d left the City. Even there, I hadn’t seen him in the weeks before Revik and the others came for me. I hadn’t seen him since that morning, when Voi Pai took me out of that room next to his bedroom in the City’s sla
ve quarters. They’d had to work to wake me up… or so Ulai told me later… and two of them carried me out, since he’d doped me up on painkillers after beating me until I couldn’t walk.
When I’d finally woken for real, two days later, I barely remembered leaving that room.
Shoving the images from my mind, I clenched my jaw harder.
Revik aside, I wasn’t sure I was ready for this.
Tenzi handed me his headset, flicking it on before he passed it over to me. He watched me fit it over my ear, his hand on the L-shaped handle as he waited for Garend to finish cueing up the machines in the booth before I entered. My hands shook as I finished with the headset. I pretended not to notice, even as I felt Tenzi’s eyes following their motion, his expression taut, his skin paler than I’d ever seen it.
“Check, check,” Garend spoke softly into my ear.
I nodded, looking at Tenzi. “Check,” I affirmed. “You’re coming through fine.”
I felt as much as heard it when Garend disengaged the locks from inside the security booth.
“I will remain outside this door, Esteemed Bridge,” Tenzi said. “Gun in hand. Fingers on the gas trigger. Garend also has the gas, and he can knock the prisoner unconscious with shocks to the collar as well.” His voice grew softer, even with his face below mine. “Don’t hesitate to use us, Esteemed Sister. Please. For any reason.”
I nodded, my jaw clenching harder.
Before I could lose my nerve, I nodded towards the door.
“Open it,” I said.
26
TAIL OF THE SNAKE
HE DIDN’T LOOK up right away.
It gave me a few seconds to look him over, to try and normalize seeing him.
It gave me a few seconds to flinch, to grimace, to fight the shortening of my breath, the slamming of my heart under my ribs.
I focused on details, on the immediate, what was right in front of me.
I knew it was an effort to feel in control––to be in control, if possible. If nothing else, it was an effort to control my own reactions.
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