I could see right off that he’d been drugged.
I could see the difference even past those eerie silver eyes of his, eyes that had always been difficult for me to read. I’d seen him drunk plenty of times, sure. In fact, I’d probably seen him drunk more often than sober, in terms of actual percentages––but then, I never saw him at work, only when he returned from it.
But that was a little too much memory.
It made the rest of it seem more real, not less.
Lost there, for a few seconds at least, I remembered a different life, maybe a different me. I’m not sure who I’d been when I lived in the Forbidden City, but I knew that version of me had her emotions muted down to the lowest setting possible, at least whenever I could. To say I’d been unhappy didn’t capture it. To say I’d been lonely didn’t cover it, either.
I’d been dead inside. Like the walking dead, only a lot sadder whenever I sat still long enough for those feelings to surface.
I got up in the morning looking forward to one thing, and only that thing: infiltration classes. That was the one bright spot in my day, in my life there… at least until Ditrini did his best to ruin those for me, too.
I’d so wanted to believe that infiltration would be the thing to climb me out of that hole, if I was just patient enough, and worked hard enough.
Ditrini did everything in his power to make sure I knew that would never happen. He did everything he could to make sure I knew I wasn’t safe, that no matter what I did, it would never be enough. He told me he’d always find me. He told me he’d never let me go, that he’d spend the rest of his life making sure I was never anything but a whore again––his whore.
For a while, I’d started to believe him.
I’d been so buried in his world, in his construct, in his twisted mind. After a while, it was the only thing I could see. I’d felt so trapped. I’d considered trying to get a message out to Balidor, through one of my paid clients. I’d considered trying to run away, to ask Surli to help me escape. Hell, I even considered goading Ditrini into killing me.
I think I would have done anything but live the life he envisioned for me.
I fought the memory out of my light.
Looking at him now, it was hard to remember he wouldn’t be able to read me in here. It was hard to remember he wore the collar now, not me.
I fought to shove past that fear, angry at myself for being afraid.
It didn’t really help.
I tried again to assess his current condition objectively.
He was collared, at a disadvantage, tied up by seers he would see as his “inferiors,” so probably pissed off, although I couldn’t feel any anger in his light, not yet. I knew even if he was angry, it would come out sideways with him, like all his emotions. Whatever they had him on, it made him look different than drunk, softening the edges of his light in a way alcohol never managed to do. I wasn’t keen on getting very close, either physically or with my light, but I grazed the very edges of his aleimi with mine.
Nothing. Zilch.
I’d expected that, but it reminded me again who I was dealing with.
I’d never been told Ditrini’s exact sight rank, but I knew it was high. In the City, I often thought it was like dealing with Balidor if he suddenly turned into an alcoholic sociopath.
Touching my headset, I used the link and my mind to ping Tenzi.
I won’t be in here long, I told him. But feed me anything you see. Anything you think I’m missing, or that you can inform through previous interrogations.
Very good, Esteemed Bridge.
I felt a dense pulse of relief leave Tenzi’s light, but I didn’t have time to parse that out.
Ditrini had noticed me.
Or at least, he’d noticed someone shared the room with him now.
He looked up, fighting briefly to focus his mercury-colored eyes.
When he realized it was me standing there, he broke out in an overjoyed laugh. The sound made me flinch, just as it had all those weeks I’d lived with him in the fortress of the Lao Hu. The sheer triumph in his eyes brought up a swell of nausea in my gut.
“Gods! D’lanlente a guete,” he said in heavily-accented Prexci. His deep voice was as harsh as ever, even with the drugs. “Gods! Take off your clothes, precious. Gods, please, please take them off…”
I grimaced, taking a step back and averting my face.
“…Gods, Alyson! Precious girl… my precious girl!”
Staring at him, I felt my stomach try to crawl up into the back of my throat.
Everything in me recoiled, to the point where I couldn’t look at him for a few seconds. I held up a hand, as if to shield myself from him, or maybe the sparks of feeling and reaction coming off his light. I wondered what in the hell I thought I was doing, coming in here. What deluded part of me thought I could ask any kind of question of Ditrini and actually get anything approximating a straight answer?
He’d never tell me anything. Not willingly.
“Gaos, girl… come here. Please. I’ll give you anything, just let me see you. Let me see my property again, please…”
I looked at him that time, almost involuntarily.
His pants strained against the erection I could see. His eyes were the same. Those hard, mercury orbs filled with a kind of manic light as I returned his gaze. I remembered that light, that exact expression––even through the drugs I could see blurring and stuttering his focus.
Looking at him, watching him look at me, I felt sick again, light-headed. The feeling wasn’t only fear now, or even rage. I hated what looking at him forced me to remember. I hated how I could see myself in his eyes, how he could make me see myself the way he did.
Trying to push that image out of my light, I glanced towards the window.
Only then did I notice Tenzi and Garend’s presence and lights completely surrounding me. Normally, I might have found that invasive––overprotective, at best––but in that moment, truthfully, I could have hugged them both.
Are you okay, Esteemed Bridge? Tenzi sent, his thoughts worried. Do you want us to come in there to get you?
No. Taking a breath, I sent them both a pulse of thanks. I flinched an instant later, feeling a dense coil of pain off Ditrini’s light. I didn’t turn to look at him, keeping my eyes on the one-way window. No, it’s okay, brothers. I won’t be in here long.
Are you sure? Garend sent.
I’m sure. Thank you. Thank you both. It’s all right.
I felt Garend acknowledge my words, albeit reluctantly.
Record everything, I sent to them. Every second. I want the others to look this over when I’m done. Especially Revik and Balidor.
What the hell, I thought. There was no way I was keeping this visit a secret anyway.
I was rewarded by relieved pulses from both Tenzi and Garend’s light. I think I’d finally convinced them this wasn’t some kind of suicide mission or a “screw you, Revik,” for something personal going on between us.
Seers and their relationship issues. Jesus.
Tenzi sent me a reassuring pulse. We’re recording, he confirmed to me. And I’m right outside the door, Esteemed Bridge, my hand still on the gas. Garend has all of the security protocols at his fingertips in the control booth, as I said… and I just got word that Anale will be coming down soon to assist us. You are completely safe, sister.”
Feeling that clenched feeling in my chest loosen somewhat, I nodded in acknowledgement.
Tenzi found the exact right word to say to me: safe.
I was safe. I knew that, intellectually, but I’d needed to hear it anyway. Tenzi likely knew that; he and Garend must have felt at least some of my thoughts through the headset’s Barrier link and the construct, but I didn’t mind that either.
Great, I sent, exhaling. Thanks. To both of you.
I gave the one-way window another reassuring smile.
Only after I felt Tenzi relax slightly from his position by the door, did I turn to face the Lao Hu infiltrat
or. Once I had, I saw Ditrini staring at my body, studying the length of me with those dead, silver eyes. Before I could speak, I felt another hard coil of pain leave his light.
He shifted in his seat, pulling on me harder with his aleimi, wincing through the current of the collar as he fought against it.
“You’re not wearing a bra,” he observed, gasping a little against the collar. “Was that for me, precious? Gaos… I missed you so much.”
I folded my arms, staring at him.
Somehow, now I felt calm. Borderline detached.
Even so, I had no intention of sitting in the chair across from him, or getting any closer to him than I was now. I didn’t much give a damn what he read into that.
“I will leave here in two seconds,” I told him. My voice came out flat, as disinterested as I felt. “I have a question to ask you. If I don’t get anything approximating an answer, I’m out of here. Two seconds. Do you hear me?”
“You came to see me, precious girl,” he said, panting against the collar. “I am overcome. Please come closer to me… please… precious girl…”
I found myself stepping back instead, folding my arms tightly across my chest.
Ignoring his words to me, I met his gaze.
“Here is my question, brother Lao Hu––”
“Anything! Anything, my precious girl… anything at all.” Still fighting the collar, he leaned back in the chair, enough that I realized he’d been straining against his chains since he saw me standing near the door. His eyes flickered over me. “But you know the price, my love. You know the price. You know how badly I want you to pay it…”
He inclined his head towards his crotch, not taking his eyes off me.
My jaw hardened. “Did you or anyone in the Lao Hu put anything in my light? During one of the bonding sessions, maybe? At any other time?” I gritted my teeth at the flare in his light, fighting to ignore it. “Blocks? Any kind of tracer? Anything that could be interfering with my aleimi still, causing me problems with my sight?”
His smile widened, even as another pulse of pain left him. He was looking at my body again, remembering things loudly enough that it had to be deliberate.
“Gods, I want to fuck you… I want to fuck you so badly…”
Without thought, I turned around, walking towards the door.
“Wait!” he called out. “Wait! Don’t go!”
I came to a stop, fingers grazing the L-shaped handle. “I told you… two seconds. I was clear. You’re already over that.”
When I glanced over my shoulder, his eyes looked colder, shrewder. I could see him trying to think past the drugs, to decide what to say to get me to not leave. That clenched feeling in my throat worsened.
I turned back to the door, gripping the door handle for real, when he spoke up.
“What sort of… things… Esteemed Bridge?”
I continued to face the door. “The question was clear, Ditrini. Answer it.”
Another coil of pain left his light. “Do you mean like when I had my infiltration team take turns trying to get into your light? Those kinds of… things… Esteemed Bridge?”
A pain hit my chest, and suddenly, I was having trouble seeing.
After a few, long-seeming seconds, I realized my eyes were glowing. I renewed my grip on the door handle while Ditrini let out a rolling chuckle. I don’t think I’d tried to open it, but the door opened anyway, from the other side.
Tenzi stood there, his face as white as chalk, a gun in his hand.
“…Do you mean the night where I invited your infiltration class over for supper?” Ditrini called out, another hard coil of pain leaving his light. “You remember, don’t you, love? I invited their fathers, too. And my guards, those two Wvercians. I think it was very educational for your young friends. Don’t you, precious…?”
By then I was already having to fight to pull back my light.
Barely seeing Tenzi, I walked past him.
I stopped only once, before Tenzi closed the door. I stared back at Ditrini, watching him smile triumphantly at me, that smug, knowing look strengthening on his face. For the barest instant, all of those images I’d briefly managed to extinguish in my mind and light came rushing back. The coil of nausea in my gut sharpened to a colder pain.
I remembered fantasizing about killing him, spending hours on the details, wondering if the repercussions would be worth it. I thought about it pretty much every second he had me uncollared. A few times I thought it would be worth it, even if they made me a slave of the Lao Hu forever. Even if they beat me for weeks… months.
Voi Pai must have felt some of these thoughts.
She didn’t threaten me. She threatened Jon. She threatened my Aunt Carol, my Uncle James, my cousins. She threatened Angeline, Frankie, my college art professor, who I’d loved. She threatened Cass. She threatened Balidor.
In the end, I couldn’t risk it.
I tried to tell myself it didn’t matter, that there’d be other Ditrinis, that if I could just survive this one, I could earn my life back––that Voi Pai couldn’t hold me forever. I told myself it couldn’t go on like this forever.
I told myself the wheel never stopped turning, that eventually I would be free.
I knew some of those thoughts were coping mechanisms I got from Revik, from how he’d dealt with being imprisoned by his uncle. I knew some of them weren’t all that healthy.
As I stared at Ditrini now, however, I found my mind going there again.
Before I’d really let myself think about it, I grabbed the gun out of Tenzi’s hand.
Turning, I aimed it at the Lao Hu seer’s chest almost before I knew what I intended. The pain that came off the seer had me clicking off the gun’s safety, clenching my jaw so hard it hurt.
“That turns you on?” My voice shook with rage. “The prospect of your imminent death turns you on? Really?”
His eyes held more pain when they met mine.
“It’s nice to know you still care, precious.”
“Did you put anything in my light, Ditrini?” I said, still gritting my teeth. “What possible benefit is there, in not telling me now? Just tell me. Tell me the fucking truth… for once… and maybe you’ll live another day.”
“If I tell you everything now, why would you come visit me again, my darling?”
I raised the gun higher, aiming it at his face. My jaw clenched so hard it hurt. “Why wouldn’t I just blow your ass away, if you don’t? What makes you think I’d so much as blink at the prospect of seeing you dead?”
Gauging my eyes more warily, Ditrini glanced at Tenzi, then back at me. Seeming to see something in one or both of our faces, he inclined his head, smiling.
“I didn’t put anything in your light, precious. Nothing apart from me. And the light of all of my friends… and the City’s hunting dogs… and my favored guests…”
Shoving aside the images he flung at my light, I bit my lip until I tasted blood. “Nothing that would block my sight? Nothing that would keep me from seeing Shadow?”
“Why would I wish to keep you from seeing my master, precious?” His silver eyes grew predatory, wolf-like. “Why would I do that? He wants nothing but for you to see him… just as I do. He wants to see you forever, precious. As does the queen. The red queen…”
Pain hit my chest, making my expression briefly crumple.
Cass. He meant Cass.
Separation pain left his light in a cloud. His voice grew strained.
“Gaos. You love her, don’t you? The red queen? I am jealous, precious… so jealous. It pains me so much, to see all that love, to know I will not be there for your reunion.” When my eyes met his, his smile grew colder. “That reunion is coming, precious. It is coming sooner than you think.”
Again I felt separation pain flicker around him, a hotter desire.
In some ways it made things easier.
It was easier to fight his sick fantasies about me than it was imagining this psychopath anywhere near Cass––imagining Shado
w giving her to him like Voi Pai did to me.
As my mind cleared, I felt something else––something more subtle, that I couldn’t put my finger on. I didn’t want to get close enough to examine his light in detail, so I had to hope Garend and Tenzi would pick up on whatever it was, or at least record it so Balidor could examine it later. Knowing Ditrini, that hint of a secret was nothing more than a ruse––a way to lure me closer to his light. I knew he’d want nothing more than for me to try and read him, to connect to him in any way, so he could yank on that connection later.
He played those kinds of bullshit games all the time in the City.
Thinking about this, I felt my jaw harden more.
For a long moment, I just stood there, the gun pointed at him.
Knowing I should pull the trigger. Knowing, too, that no one would stop me. There was no point in keeping him alive. None whatsoever.
After another breath, I lowered the gun, feeling my body shake, my teeth hurt from clenching. I needed to talk to Balidor, at least, make sure we had no more use for him. I couldn’t just eliminate an asset without consulting the others.
I knew that was a bullshit excuse, though. Turns out, I can’t just blow someone away in cold blood––even Ditrini.
The Lao Hu seer laughed when the gun lowered, his silver eyes sparkling.
“I love you too, precious. I love you… so much. You have no idea how hard I am, knowing how close you came. I saw it in your eyes, precious. I saw that fire. I know you wanted it. You wanted it so badly, as badly as I did, my precious girl…”
Grimacing, I handed the gun back to Tenzi.
When I did, I noticed for the first time that Anale stood beside me. She had a gun gripped in both hands. When I met her eyes, she raised the weapon, aiming it meaningfully at the Lao Hu infiltrator’s head. Her mouth firmed to a hard line.
“Would you like me to do it, Esteemed Bridge?” Her eyes shone cold as ice, despite the soft deference of her words. “It would be my extreme pleasure to serve you in this, O Holy One. An honor, especially if you allow me to do it in your behalf. I would treasure this gift, for many years.”
I had to think about her words for a few seconds more.
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