He looked up. The glow in his eyes had finally faded entirely. His clear irises still carried more light than usual, but they looked like his eyes again. I could even see the deeper thread of feeling there, whatever he was shielding from me in his actual light
“Is this a tit-for-tat thing, you not telling me?” I bit my lip, still fighting to normalize my voice. “Because I thought we both agreed not to go there.”
“Allie.” His voice grew exasperated, even as his accent worsened. “It is not tit-for-tat. I’m just not ready to talk about it right now, and I’m not going to let you bully me or guilt me into talking before I’m ready. We will both be okay, all right? What Shadow did to me… both Balidor and Tarsi agree it’s healing. I’m struggling more with the emotional side of that than the actual injuries. It’s not an easy time for me to feel helpless. Or unable to protect you.”
I stared at him. At first I couldn’t believe he was serious.
Realizing he was, I gave a startled laugh.
“Since when is ‘protecting me’ your job?” I said, watching him frown as he looked away. “I thought you were taken off protective detail for the Bridge when we first got married?”
Clicking at me, he scowled. I saw color rise to his cheeks, though, and that time, it didn’t look like anger.
Watching his face, I felt my jaw harden more.
“You do think it’s connected,” I said. “My blindness and whatever’s going on with you. Whatever Shadow did to you.”
“I don’t know that,” he said. “I didn’t say that, Allie.”
“How?” I said. “How is it connected, Revik? Does Tarsi have a ‘theory’ on that, too? Part of whatever it is you simply ‘don’t feel like’ talking about right now?” When Revik only stared at the wall, I bit my lip. “Is this some bond thing? Are you reacting to my light being messed up by turning into overprotective guy?”
Sighing again, he gripped the edge of the wooden table.
He shook his head, his voice gruff.
“Wife.” He gave me a level look. “Calm down. Please. I am asking you to trust me, to let me wait on discussing this with you until I know something that is more certain. Let me check in with Tarsi. Once I get something concrete from her, I will talk to you about all of it, I promise. Until then, I really think we should wait.”
“Wait? On what?” I fought that harder edge creeping into my voice. “On me being blind? Or on the fact that you can’t control your light… in the middle of the fucking Displacement?”
“We’ll be all right, Allie,” he said, giving me a warning look.
“Sure. Unless I miss something important, at just the wrong time. Or the hotel gets attacked… which it probably will, if Balidor is right.”
“The telekinesis is healing,” he said, his eyes on mine. “We’ll keep looking at your light, too. I promise. I’ll have Balidor look at it as soon as he’s back.”
I bit my lip, but couldn’t keep the sarcasm from my voice. “Okay. Well, I’ll just chill then. You’re right… it’s not a big deal. Since you can see for both of us, I shouldn’t worry, right? Well, unless you get knocked out. Or get too pissed off at me to let me use your light.”
Seeing him wince, I felt my jaw harden, right before I added more tersely,
“Or were you thinking you and Balidor would just remove me from command altogether? Put the boys back in charge? That would probably be easier, right? Then you don’t have to worry about me any more. You wouldn’t have to even pretend you care about my opinion.”
My words came out more charged than I intended––more charged than I’d consciously known I felt. Once I said them, though, a deeper fear rose in my light, even before I saw Revik staring at me, eyes narrow. I didn’t see anger in him, more a restraint of some kind, but I couldn’t read it at all, so that didn’t help me, either.
I did feel him scan me, though, overtly that time. A vague worry emanated off his light once he had, but I could tell he was trying to hide that from me, too.
“What’s wrong with me, Revik?” I heard the note of fear in my voice. “You know, don’t you? You and Tarsi don’t think it’s the Lao Hu at all, do you?”
Revik regained his feet, even as his expression lost its hardness.
Before I could say anything, he crossed the space between us and enveloped me in his arms. He held me wordlessly but tightly, his light exuding warmth into my heart and belly. I felt love there, so much it overwhelmed me, especially given how angry he’d been at me just a few moments before. He held me tighter when I let him in, and I felt the worry there, too, but more than that, a deeper intensity of that love. He caressed my hair back from my neck, pressing his face against mine as he sent more of his heat into me.
I found myself relaxing against him in spite of myself, as he wrapped his arms further around my back, gripping my shoulder. His other hand and arm wrapped around my waist, holding me firmly against him.
“I love you, Allie,” he murmured into my ear.
Tears came to my eyes. “I know.” I fought with the fear rising in my light, but it only seemed to get worse from the intensity in his. Sniffing, I tried to joke. “Am I dying?”
“Allie,” he murmured, nuzzling my neck. “I won’t let anything happen to you. I promise I won’t. I promise, wife. I promise.”
His light grew so soft my throat closed, even as my fear worsened.
I’d been kidding about the death thing, but Christ, maybe it wasn’t a joke.
Maybe I really was dying.
He let out a low laugh, raising his head.
“No, wife. You’re not dying… yet.” His eyes hardened, even as his arms tightened around my back. “…and I do mean yet, since I might kill you if you go near that psychopath again. You have a fucking light-bond to that prick… he’s completely fixated on you. Do you really not understand what this means?” When I started to answer, he shook his head. “No. Don’t. You’re just going to make me mad all over again. I read the goddamned transcript. I don’t want to hear anything more about that, wife… I mean it.”
I frowned, but he went on, speaking before I could interrupt.
“…and if you think you’re getting out of this command gig, keep dreaming. We can change security protocols if you want, but be prepared for a fight if it means putting you at more risk. Balidor takes his protective duties seriously, as head of the Adhipan. I take mine seriously, too, wife. But you outrank us both. If you want something, overrule us.”
His jaw tightened along with his arms.
“I’d rather if you reasoned with me, though. Granted, it turns me on when you get bossy… but you’ve been pushing the fucking envelope on that one lately, wife. I don’t particularly like feeling like a tool. I also don’t like being lied to, just because you’re too much of a goddamned coward to tell me what you intend to do to my face.”
I gave him an angry look, starting to open my mouth, but he cut me off.
“…and, by the way, you’re not in charge because you can ‘see things’ with your light. Hate to break it to you, but temporary aleimic problems don’t get you off the hook. You have a whole team of infiltrators to help you with that end. You also have me, Tarsi, Yumi, Wreg and Balidor, if you want to keep something confidential from the wider group. You just have to start using us. The way an advisory team is meant to be used, wife… not as an obstacle course to get around. If you’re so hell-bent on being seen as the leader, then lead, damn it. Figure out how you want to use us, then do it. Don’t sneak around like a fucking kid afraid of getting caught.”
I felt my face warming at his words, but didn’t answer. When he only continued to watch my eyes, I bit my tongue, hard enough for it to hurt, but forced myself to nod.
“Fine,” I said. “Point taken. But I want this addressed. I’m not going to be much good to any of you if I make all my decisions from now on based on the ‘eeny-meeny-miney-moe’ method.”
He held me tighter again, pressing his face against mine, even as he warmed me with
his light. I felt him relaxing, more so when I leaned into him and stopped holding him off my aleimi. Feeling that vulnerability rise once more to the forefront of his light, along with a more familiar compulsion to be touched, I sighed a little, sliding my hands under his shirt to get contact with more of his skin.
“Hey.” My voice came out subdued. “I heard you, okay? You’re right. But I do need to look at how our leadership team is set up. It’s too fucking slow. I would really appreciate your help with that. We need more flexibility now. Things are speeding up.”
He nodded, leaning into me more.
As he did, I felt that relief on him again.
It struck me that he really meant what he’d said. He really did want me to step up and lead. He really did see himself in the role of some kind of advisor to me, regardless of how much he argued with me and pushed back on specific issues. Seers were bossy and informal with their leaders, but when push came to shove, they followed orders.
Hell, if anyone believed in the chain of command, it was Revik.
I’d known that, too.
It wasn’t him who wasn’t comfortable with me leading––it was me. Even after all of this time, I was still screwing around with my own issues around the role.
Forcing myself to exhale, then to relax, I let myself fall into the motion as I caressed his skin. As I did, I felt him relaxing more, too.
I found myself remembering other things going on with Revik.
Namely, in addition to re-bonding ourselves, Revik was still dealing with integrating everything he’d experienced in the Tank. He didn’t have Vash around to help him with it anymore, either––another thing I’d forgotten, with everything else going on.
Vash warned both of us, it might be years before Revik fully healed.
Vash also told me, privately, that Revik needed to be touched, and often. According to Vash, Menlim created real gaps in Revik’s light from the complete lack of affection he’d received as a child. Some of those gaps healed just from the fact of us being bonded. More got healed during the reintegration process Vash and Tarsi performed on his light in the Tank.
But the problem hadn’t been entirely fixed.
Vash seemed to think the rest just needed time, and affection from family and friends.
Especially from me, he’d said.
I knew Revik himself was still self-conscious about his issues in that area, so he probably asked less often than he wanted it. His fallback was sex, even with me, but that was a learned behavior, too. For years, sex was pretty much his only option if he wanted someone to touch him.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized I hadn’t been remembering any of that nearly enough, not in terms of how I actually treated him.
Revik just seemed so together these days.
It’d been too easy to forget everything he’d been through in the past few years.
As I thought it, I opened my light more.
I felt relief expand through him. Then his light let go, too, letting me coax him open without resistance. I felt grief on him, in addition to the rest, along with a whisper of Vash’s face and light. Gripping him tighter, I let it all in, even as it occurred to me that Vash had been affectionate with Revik as well, maybe a lot more than I realized.
We stood there like that for a long time.
It still startled me when he raised his head, wiping his face with the heel of his hand. The motion wasn’t even all that self-conscious. Despite the tears, I could tell he’d relaxed––really relaxed––in his light as well as his body.
“You need to ask more,” I said, massaging his back. “Your wife’s not the sharpest tool in the shed, in case you hadn’t noticed.”
He rolled his eyes, still holding me tightly as his fingers found and caressed more sensitive areas on my back. He kissed my cheek a moment later, winding his hand into my hair, right after he tugged it out of the ponytail I’d put it in while I’d been working with Tenzi and Anale.
Pulling me tighter against him, he expanded his light in another flood of warmth. I felt that vulnerability on him sharpen.
“I really was mad at you,” he said after another moment.
I sighed. “I know. I’m sorry.” I frowned, hearing my words aloud. “I am sorry. That was pretty chickenshit of me.”
“It was,” he agreed, tugging harder on my hair.
He hugged me tighter, maneuvering his hands under my shirt. I felt him react to the contact then struggle to push it aside, but not before a flood of that more erratic energy left him. His eyes had started glowing again, too. I found myself gripping his hair once I noticed, pressing my face into his neck.
“Did you go in there?” I asked hesitantly.
“No.” He exhaled in a kind of annoyance, clicking as his hands tightened on my back. “I was ordered not to, wasn’t I? I can follow orders, believe it or not.”
“I know.”
“Clearly, you don’t.” Exhaling again, he said, gruffer, “Anyway, you’re right. I’m pretty sure I would’ve killed him.” His eyes glowed brighter, trained somewhere over my shoulder. “Tenzi asked me not to go in there. So did Anale and Garend. So did Balidor. Earlier, I mean.” He glanced at me, still frowning, that harder look back on his face. “I wanted to kill him on that damned boat in San Francisco, and he was unconscious for most of the time then. I wish to fuck you’d let me. I wish you’d pulled the trigger today.”
I nodded, keeping my expression blank.
I didn’t bother to voice it aloud, but I was sure Revik would kill him, regardless of whatever orders I gave him. I had a pretty good idea of what Ditrini planned to tell him as soon as he got the opportunity. As far as I was concerned, that was never going to happen. I’d kill Ditrini myself, first.
It was selfish, I knew, but I cared a lot more about Revik having to hear that than I did about any intel our group might get off that piece of shit.
Revik grunted against my neck, raising his head. Studying my gaze, he smiled wryly.
Something more relaxed lived in that smile, too.
“I appreciate that, wife,” he said, kissing my face. “Probably more than I should.”
He held me tighter. I could still feel something nagging at him, though. I waited while he pushed it back and forth a few times, then finally seemed to give in, sighing where he held me.
“I’m jealous of him,” he said.
My arms tightened around his back. “I know.” I sighed. “You have absolutely zero reason to be, but I understand, Revik. I really do.”
“I’m not sure you do,” he said.
Discomfort rose in his light and another of those tug of wars in his mind, where he seemed to be trying to decide how much to say to me. I caught glimpses of the flavor of some of that in the pause, and felt my face warm.
Jon hadn’t been kidding, when he said Revik had seen things about my time with the Lao Hu.
I found I understood though. For real that time.
“It turns you on,” I said simply. “What he did to me.”
He winced. He did it perceptibly, even as I saw color rise to his cheeks, more than what had probably risen to mine. It made him look young, even apart from what I’d felt in his light. It also reminded me of things I’d seen about him in the Tank, enough to bring a flush of reaction to my light. I knew where he’d learned a lot of that, as well.
“Not exactly.” His voice was careful that time. It also held an underlying guilt. “Not the part where he hurt you. Not where he forced you, Allie.”
“I know.” I sighed. “I get it, Revik.”
I watched him avoid my eyes. When he wouldn’t look over, I shook him where I held him.
My voice turned impatient.
“Revik… for crying out loud. Captivity and sex and coercion were all tangled up from your very first experiences with sex. It’s not like I never noticed before, that those associations were pretty hardwired in you.” Shrugging, I felt my face grow hotter. “I don’t mind. Honestly, I don’t. And I’m not
offended. Under normal circumstances, that kind of thing turns me on, too.”
When his face tightened, I shook him again.
“I meant normal, as in… not with a sadist I despise. As in, the rules are agreed upon beforehand, and we’re both into it. We kind of played with that at the Rebel compound, didn’t we? A little, anyway?”
When I looked up at him, a harder flush of pain left his light. He must have seen me react to it, because his skin darkened more. He didn’t speak, though.
“They even joked about that in Seattle,” I added, my jaw tightening. “Kat and the others. I didn’t know you then, but I caught the references. They made jokes about subservience games with you. About you liking to be hurt.”
Another pulse of… something… left his light.
It felt tangled that time, embarrassment mixed with a darker flush of wanting, and what felt almost like the beginnings of a question. Maybe he was just toying around with the wording of that question in some part of his light.
I waited until he had time to think about it, wondering if he would just come out and ask me.
When he still didn’t speak, I found myself reading things off his light, almost without meaning to. I saw Ditrini’s face and body behind his eyes, in enough detail to realize again that Jon was right; Revik had definitely seen a lot more than he’d admitted to me.
With that jumble of images came another flush of his guilt, coupled with what might have been self-disgust.
“I hate what he did to you, Allie,” he said after another pause, his voice harder. “It’s not some jerk-off thing for me, watching that… I fucking hate it.”
I massaged his belly, nodding. “I know. I get the difference.” Smiling, I added, “I’m not that young. And Ditrini wasn’t the first time I’d run into that kind of thing.”
He shook his head, his jaw hardening more. “Don’t get me started on Jaden right now, Allie. I really will lose it on you… or I’ll just take my gun and go looking for him and Ditrini.”
Frowning, I glanced up. I hadn’t been thinking about Jaden at all when I’d said that, but I realized immediately what he meant. I’d forgotten he’d seen all of that, too.
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