He let out a humorless sound, right before he gave me a hard stare.
“Look,” I said. “I get how you’d see it as disrespectful. But you guys aren’t exactly ‘respectful’ of my wishes when it comes to this crap, either. In fact, this whole argument is making me realize a few things about how things run around here.”
“How things run around here?”
“Yeah,” I said, hearing my anger sharpen. “I practically had to threaten Tenzi and Garend to listen to me, too. I definitely had to pull rank… and they still questioned me. Either I have a position of authority here, or I don’t. If I don’t, then you need to tell me that. Now, Revik. Because I don’t see anyone around here questioning you… including me. Whenever I do question you, I practically get my head bitten off. Or threats. Or both.”
There was a silence where he stared at me, his eyes now holding something like disbelief.
When he finally spoke, his voice mirrored the same emotion.
“Wife, Balidor kicked me out of meetings for months. Not just interrogations of high risk prisoners, actual planning meetings. With our people.”
“That was an unusual circumstance.”
“So the fuck is this!”
“Really? Is it? What circumstance would that be, Revik? Are you going to tell me?”
He glared at me, his jaw jutting in anger.
“Anyway, we had Vash back then,” I snapped. “I trusted Vash, okay? I trusted him to keep his personal feelings out of important decisions, at least in terms of his recommendations to me. He let me do risky things if he thought they’d get a result. Hell, he encouraged it at times. He wasn’t constantly telling me to second-guess my own instincts.”
Seeing Revik’s incredulous look deepen, turning to a harder fury, I added,
“I trust Balidor… and Wreg. But it’s different. Sometimes Balidor moves too slow for what’s going on right now. Wreg gets caught up in emotions that aren’t always helpful. He hates the Lao Hu, and that skews his perception where they’re concerned. You know both of these things. At different times, you’ve agreed with me on both things. So I can’t look to either of them to make the call every time. Not when I feel it’s not in our best interests as a group.”
“Gaos. Allie. What the fuck does that have to do with––”
“Because when it comes to me, you’re too slow, too,” I said, sharp.
Seeing the startled look come to his face, along with a deeper, more hurt emotion, I added in a subdued voice,
“Look. We can talk about this as much as you want, but you wanted to know why I did it and that’s why. That’s the gods’ honest truth. I wasn’t willing to wait through what to me seems excessive caution… not from you, ‘Dori, Wreg or anyone else. Not when the reasons for that caution strike me as more emotion-based than centered objectively on strategic concerns.”
Hesitating at the harder look in his eyes, I added,
“I also know things about Ditrini. I know how he views me. I knew I’d have an advantage with him in there, which is why I went myself, instead of feeding questions to Tenzi or Anale or whoever else.”
He frowned. “What the fuck does that mean?”
Sighing, I folded my arms. “It means, husband, Ditrini doesn’t view me as a threat. He never even saw me as an adult… more like a kid wearing a tiara. For the same reason, I thought he might actually tell me something, intentionally or not, because he wouldn’t have his guard up with me like he would with you or ‘Dori. That was my hope, anyway.”
Seeing Revik’s expression turn colder, I added,
“I am sorry I did it the way I did––”
“Bullshit.” He let out an incredulous laugh, his German accent stronger. “Bullshit, Allie. How can you say all of that to me, then pretend you’re ‘sorry’ you did it the way you did? You aren’t sorry. You are not even a little bit sorry. You’d do it the exact same way tomorrow, if the same circumstance came up. You just told me as much.”
Swallowing, I made a concessionary gesture with one hand.
“All right,” I said. “I would. But I’m still sorry I angered you. I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. And I’m sorry I didn’t confront you directly about this issue sooner.” When his expression hardened more, I sharpened my voice. “Revik. When’s the last time you let anyone get in your way, when you felt strongly that something needed to happen? Including me?”
Thinking about my own words, I scowled, gesturing with one hand.
“Seriously. Don’t you think it’s a tiny bit hypocritical, given that you were just now talking about ‘taking me’ out of here? Clearly, you don’t give a damn what I might have to say about that. You ignore my wishes when it suits you. You work around me when you feel you have to. Why should I be any different than you?”
There was a silence.
In it, I saw in his eyes that he’d heard me.
I also saw that my words hadn’t lessened his anger any. If anything, they’d made it worse.
I watched his face warily.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” I said. “You feel like yourself?”
“I didn’t say that, Alyson. I didn’t say either of those things.” He looked at me, his eyes still hard, although the glow in his irises had faded somewhat. “I never said I was okay. I said I don’t think Shadow is manipulating me through the construct.”
“Then what the hell’s wrong with you?” I said, my frustration rising. “What aren’t you telling me? You need to tell me, Revik. You can’t keep––”
“I don’t need to tell you shit,” he cut in, giving me a cold look. “Since we’re officially working around one another now to meet our own agendas, I think that pretty much goes without saying.”
I didn’t answer, but looked away, clicking angrily under my breath. Still, his words hurt my feelings, too. I couldn’t help thinking they were meant to.
He stared at me a few seconds, but I wouldn’t turn.
Eventually, he exhaled, and for the first time, some of the anger left his light.
“I’m sorry.”
I nodded, but didn’t answer.
Still watching me, he added, “I asked Balidor and Wreg to take a look at my light on the plane.” When I glanced up, he folded his arms. “You were asleep. I told them I was having problems with it, and asked if either of them thought it was from what Shadow did to me in his construct. They both spent some time looking. Neither thought this particular problem was from Shadow. They thought it was something else.”
“What?” I said. “What did they think it was?”
There was another silence.
Biting my lip when I realized he wasn’t going to answer me, I clicked under my breath. For a few seconds, I just stood there, doing everything in my power not to speak. When I finally did, I forced my voice low, almost soft.
“You’re really not going to tell me if you’re all right?” I said. “That’s how you’re going to punish me? By making me worry about you?” I folded my arms tighter, muttering as I looked away. “Why can’t you be a normal fucking husband and just guilt trip me about whatever it is? Or hell, imply it’s all my fault?”
He glanced at me, raising an eyebrow before he let out a involuntary snort.
The anger remained in his light and his eyes, that tighter expression still colored his face, but I felt something in him give, too.
After another few seconds where he seemed to be struggling against his own emotions, he walked backwards. He wasn’t walking away from me, exactly––I felt his light pulling on mine to follow, so it was more like being led.
After a bare pause, I followed the tug in his light.
32
A DIFFICULT MAN
I FOLLOWED HIM from the elevators to an un-renovated segment of the basement that housed part of an old wine cellar.
I knew the cellars currently in use by the hotel’s restaurants could only be reached by a different set of service elevators, ones closer to the lobby-level kitchen of Park Place South. That par
t of the basement mostly housed food stores, and it was a maze all of its own, since they’d amassed a generous stock of emergency provisions long before we got here.
It wasn’t only Revik who was paranoid about that kind of thing.
Most older seers remembered the initial seer purges and the years of starvation that followed as they found themselves dependent on human food supplies for the first time, as well as a human economy from which they were initially excluded.
For similar reasons, the hotel’s seer owners had these underground caverns built out when they took over from the humans who’d owned the hotel previously. Even before our team moved in and took over a chunk of these tunnels, they kept caches of weapons and food down here. They also added in exits that didn’t force them to leave via the street.
That was another thing I’d learned about seers. They tended to utilize underground spaces, maybe from so many lifetimes lived in the caves of the Pamir.
I followed Revik down the faded-yellow corridor of the original hotel’s basement. He entered what had been a small tasting room across from the original wine cellar, holding the door open for me to follow. After a slight hesitation, I did, but only after he looked back, motioning a semi-polite request with one hand.
He closed the door behind us, enclosing us in a small, featureless room with white walls and a solitary chair near a plain, wooden table. Following him with my eyes, I found myself studying his face again, trying to decide what was going on with him now.
Truthfully, he was still making me nervous.
His eyes had begun glowing again with pale green light. He looked exhausted after our too-short nap, and I felt a heaviness lingering around his aleimi, likely in part from his tiredness, but not only that. He felt angry, stressed out, worried, frustrated with me, indecisive. I also could tell I’d hurt his feelings, and definitely more than I’d intended to.
Watching him, I began to feel increasingly guilty.
Whatever was going on with him, it wasn’t all about Ditrini. Along with the pulses of emotion coming off his light, those erratic currents sparked in his aleimi, the ones that made him move as if he were gearing up for a fight.
I glanced around the small space, fighting to calm my own light.
Plaques hung on different segments of wall, along with a few old photographs of famous people from before the image ban. I saw movie stars from the early part of the last century standing with other humans in tuxedos and expensive suits, all of them grinning broadly, most of them male, all of them holding glasses of wine.
Looking at their faces, it hit me that Revik had been in his forties or fifties when those photos were taken––older than I was now. It was a strange thought.
When he turned towards me again, I saw his eyes appraise mine.
His continued to glow, but now held a denser, more focused emotion, one I couldn’t read, even through the bond. With him now actively shutting me out, it was impossible to ignore how much I must have been leaning on his light these past few weeks. I felt completely blind now, more than I had since he’d first woken up my abilities in San Francisco.
He must have heard me think that, at least part of it, because I saw his eyes change, right before he relaxed out of that near-fighting stance.
Stepping away from me, he folded his arms, leaning on the wooden table.
“So what do you think now?” His voice was deep, gruff, but I still jumped when he broke the silence. “Now that you’ve talked to him, what do you think? Do you still think the Lao Hu did something to your light?”
Sighing, I fingered my hair out of my face.
Thinking about his question, I nodded.
“Yes. I don’t know how else to explain what’s wrong with me, unless it’s something Shadow did.” Seeing Revik frown, I added, “I left a note with Balidor, telling him the same thing. I also advised him he shouldn’t bother trying soft approaches with Ditrini, especially given what’s going on in China.”
Hesitating at Revik’s continued lack of expression, I shrugged.
“I told him to go ahead and start him on wires. I don’t think drugs will be enough.” Seeing Revik’s frown deepen, I cleared my throat. “Do you have a problem with that?”
His eyes narrowed, right before they flickered away.
“Do I have a problem with my wife recommending torture?” He shrugged with one hand, his face unchanging. “I don’t know. Am I allowed to voice an opinion on this?”
“Of course.” My jaw tightened. “You think it’s the wrong move?”
“I think you’re looking for revenge. Not answers."
Feeling my jaw harden more, I nodded, keeping my voice carefully flat.
“Well, I’m open to other suggestions. I also considered calling Voi Pai. I wondered if she’d be willing to discuss some kind of information trade, given how badly they probably need our help right now.” Pausing at his silence, I added, “I thought she might even own up to what she did to me, if I made it worth her while.” I watched his face. “Do you think it’s even worth discussing? Or should we just put a bullet in Ditrini’s brain and be done with it?”
Revik’s jaw hardened.
He took his weight off the table, aiming his stare back at me.
“I saw the note. I know all this, Alyson.” His mouth hardened. “Of course, you might not know that. I had to threaten them to get a look at it.”
I sighed, rubbing my forehead. “Sorry. I wasn’t specific about who––”
“Spare me,” he cut in. “Alyson. Do you trust me at all?”
“Yes.” My jaw hardened. “Of course I do. And yes, I was going to discuss all of this with you… as soon as I saw you. I did what I did to speed things up, not cut you out.” Hearing him click in irritation, I bit my lip. “Look, can we move past this? I need to make some decisions. I need you to be tactical guy right now. Not pissed off husband guy.”
His eyes found my face, angry once more, but he gave a short nod.
“Fine,” he said, folding his arms. “Describe what is wrong with your light. Be specific, so I can see it while you talk.”
Ignoring the anger still pulsing off him, I did as he asked.
I went into as much detail as I could, telling him about having trouble focusing my aleimi, about not being able to hear much or see much, apart from him. I told him about the odd, blue-white shell I’d seen around my light a few times. I told him about the increased frequency and vividness of my dreams, and how I’d been more tired lately, almost as if I were being drained, no matter how much I slept.
He listened to every word, his eyes out of focus as he scanned me.
“And you’re sure it started when you left China?” he said when I finished. His eyes clicked back into focus. “Because it didn’t feel that precise to me, when you were explaining it. It felt like you were fudging dates.”
“I’m not sure, no,” I said, fighting that tight feeling in my chest. I pushed my hair behind my ear, shaking my head. “I’m not trying to fudge anything. I just don’t know for sure when it started. I started noticing it sometime after we robbed that bank. Definitely before we went to Argentina. The Lao Hu are just the best guess I’ve got.”
Biting my lip, I added, “That’s also the last time anyone had me long enough to screw with my light.” I paused when something else occurred to me. “Could it have something to do with Vash dying? With losing access to his light?”
Revik shook his head, his eyes clearing. “No. I don’t think so.”
“What do you think?”
“When is the very first time you noticed it?”
I thought about that, frowning as I tried to use my aleimi to be more precise. “About a week after we woke up from the bank robbery? Maybe two weeks?”
Revik nodded, but didn’t look at me. “I see.”
“You see?” I turned towards him, jaw clenched. “What does that mean? Do you think I’m right? Or do you think it’s something Shadow did?”
Revik shook his head, clicking sof
tly.
Rubbing his face with one hand, he gave a more tired-sounding sigh, leaning his weight on the table. I stared as expressions shifted across his face, too quickly for me to read. With him this close to me, his light shielded like it was, I felt blind––as in really, truly blind. It brought up a helpless feeling, closer to anger than I’d let myself feel around any of them until now.
It hadn’t really occurred to me––or I hadn’t let it, anyway––how completely dependent I’d gotten on my seer’s sight. I didn’t really know how to operate without it anymore.
I was also beginning to wonder how much of it had been mine to begin with.
“It’s getting worse,” I told him. “It might be because you’re injured, so I can’t rely on you as much as I did. It’s possible I didn’t notice before, because of you. Either way, it’s definitely getting worse.”
Revik nodded. From the look in his eyes, I honestly couldn’t tell if he was even listening to me.
“What did Balidor say to you?” I said, sharper. “Is your light reacting in part because I’m leaning on you too much? Is some part of you fighting back, pushing me out?”
He shook his head. “No, wife. No.”
“No, what? No to which part?”
“Don’t worry about this, Allie. Please.” He looked at me, his eyes tired. “Balidor has Tarsi looking at it. He checked in with me, right before he took off with Yarli.” Rubbing his face, he sighed, and I could almost feel him consciously calming himself down.
“…Tarsi has a few theories,” he added. “She said she’ll get back to me. She’s in meditation right now.” He gave me a more serious look. “But it’s not because your light is ‘leaning’ on mine, Allie. Gaos. Don’t worry about this. You are supposed to lean on me… and me on you. Don’t fight this. It won’t help either of us.”
I barely heard him, though.
“What kind of ‘theories’ does Tarsi have? Do you know?” My voice sharpened. “More to the point, are you going to tell me, Revik? Or should I just ask her?”
War_Apocalypse Page 42
