Healing Tea
The Tea Series, Book Thirteen
Sheila Horgan
Copyright © 2015 by Sheila Horgan.
Smashwords Edition
This is a work of fiction. All of the characters, organizations, businesses, and events portrayed in this novel are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. No reference to any real person is intended or implied.
Healing Tea (Thirteenth book in the Tea Series) All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, uploaded to the Internet, transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying and recording, or any information storage or retrieval system, or distributed without the written permission of the author, with the exception of short quotes for purposes of review.
Special thanks to Darlene Davis MacLean and Deb Hawrylyshyn for lots of help and support.
Cover Art by David Avila
Editing and interior design by Heather Marie Adkins www.CyberWitchPress.com
Proofreading by J. Jeffers www.JJeffersEditing.com
ONE
A.J. CARRIED ME into the house and put me on our bed. “I love you.”
“Me, too.”
“Anything I can get you?”
“Nope. I can’t think of anything I need, or want, or should do. My brain won’t work.”
“Mine, either. I think we’re pretty much in shock. Twelve hours ago, we didn’t even know.”
“I’m so, so sorry, A.J.” I started crying yet again. “I should have known.”
“Cara, don’t. With everything going on, it’s understandable.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Me, either.” His head hung so far down his chin almost hit his chest. He rubbed his face with both hands, then scraped them through his hair. “Are you going to call Teagan?”
“What for?”
“I thought you’d want to talk to her.”
“I don’t want to talk to Teagan. I just want to be with you.”
How sad is it that it took all of this for me to see that?
He took a breath, looked around the room like he was lost, and then said, “You mind if I take a shower?”
“Go ahead.”
“You sure I can’t get you anything?”
“I’m fine, A.J. I’ll be right here.”
When he didn’t come back in the normal amount of time, I went to check on him. He was sitting on the floor in the bathroom. Crying. I joined him, both of us on the floor and in tears.
Teagan called. I didn’t want to answer the phone. I wasn’t sure what to do. I didn’t want to ruin her wedding, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t go to her backyard and pretend that everything was great and laugh and all of that.
Her voice sounded funny. “We have a problem.”
“What?”
“We have to delay the wedding.”
“What happened?”
“Jessie’s mother is in the hospital. Pneumonia.”
“Is she okay?”
“She will be. Are you okay, dingleberry? You sound funny.”
“It’s been a long night. I don’t want to talk about it right now.”
“Are you and A.J. okay?”
“We will be.”
“Dingleberry, you’re scaring me. I’m on my way over.”
“No. Teagan, I appreciate it, but I don’t want anybody over here right now. I’m going to try to go back to sleep. I’ll call you later.”
A.J. rolled over. “You know that was the O’Flynn bat signal. She’s going to be here in ten minutes. Twenty if she was outside the country.”
“I know. Damn it. I don’t want to have to explain everything. I’m not ready. Why can’t I have any privacy at all?”
“You’re the one who has taught me that you have to take both sides of a thing. Whatever that thing is. In this case, you can’t have her in your face when it’s convenient and gone when you want privacy.” A.J. seemed to have lost some patience with me when I lost the baby.
“I’m sorry. You’re right. I need to stop whining about everything in life.”
“You aren’t whining, Cara. You just lost your mom and haven’t begun to recover from that, and now we’ve lost our first child. You need to be patient with yourself. Your emotions. Everything.”
“I know. You’re right. I’m just scared.”
“Scared of what?”
“Of everything. I don’t know how to live my life without my mom in it. I don’t know how to move on from losing her or the baby. I don’t want you to leave me.”
“Leave you? Why would you think that?”
“Because at some point, I’m not worth the effort, A.J. I thought Teagan was the high-maintenance one of my family, but I seem to have picked up that talent. I was so self-involved that I didn’t even know I was carrying our baby. That knowledge should have been the high point of my whole life. Do you have any idea how many times I’ve thought about it? How many times I imagined us having a child? Especially since Suzi had Evelyn. Every time I see you hold her, I think about our children, and here I was pregnant and didn’t even know. I should have known. I should have taken better care of myself.”
“The doctor said that had nothing to do with it.”
“Doctors are basically kind people. They say that out of kindness. Like saying a person dies on impact so you don’t visualize them in fear or pain.” I started to cry. Again. “We don’t really know if my mom was afraid or in pain.”
“Cara?”
“What?”
“I have to ask you a question, and I don’t want you to get mad.”
My only thought was This is going to hurt. I took a breath. Better to get it over with quickly. “Go for it.”
“What would your mom say?”
I shook my head. “I don’t know.”
“Yes, you do. Your mom is in your head. You always know what she would say. What would she do? If she were here to talk to you, what would she say?”
I took a deep breath. “She’d say, ‘Cara, my love, I’m so very sorry. There is nothing more painful than the loss of a wee one. I’m so very sorry that God saw fit to take him from your arms so soon. We don’t know the why of it, and we may never know, but what we do know is that not me or you or the baby or God Himself wants you to stop living your life because of it. ’Tis the hardest thing you will ever do, love, but you must put one foot in front of the other. Remember how to smile. Then remember how to laugh. That young man of yours will help you, love. Let him. Let the family. You will never forget. You should never forget. But do not disrespect that little one — or me — by using us as an excuse. That is not for you to do, love.’” I shook my head.
I’ve never been so sad in all my life.
“That does sound like your mother. She would say that.”
“Yes, but she isn’t here to say it, is she?” It came out something like snide, or snotty, but it was actually that my heart is so broken I can’t deal with any more. Especially not having to channel my own dead mother.
“Yes, she is. She just did. Cara, your mother gave your family so much. For the rest of your life, you will know exactly what she would say, exactly what she felt. You never have to doubt it. You know.”
“But it’s not the same.”
“No, it’s not, and I’m sorry for that. But, Cara, she lives in the hearts of some of the finest people I’ve ever met. That counts for something, doesn’t it?”
I was still crying when Teagan banged on the door.
“Dingleberry, it’s time for an intervention. I know how hard all of this has been on you. Maybe harder on you than on all of us combined. You have such strong family stuff in every cell of your body, but I’m starting to worry about you. Maybe we should make
an appointment with that counselor. Or we could find somebody else. Mom wouldn’t want you to be like this, Cara.”
“Don’t pull the Mom card on me, Teagan. I’ll be fine.” I knew my voice was shaking. I thought my knees were about to give out.
“You aren’t going to be fine. It isn’t magic. You need to move forward. You look like shit.”
“Thanks.”
“Cara, I’m not kidding. Either we do something about this, or I’m gonna call Dad. You don’t want to lay this on him on top of everything else, do you?”
That did it. I lost my damn mind. My fists were so tight it hurt my palms, and I’m sure more than one of the neighbors could hear me. But as with everything else lately, I just didn’t care. “You don’t know what the hell you’re talking about, Teagan. You have no flippin’ clue. You want to know why I look like shit? You really have to know? I asked you not to come over here. I told you I didn’t want you here, but you had to come, and now I can’t even…” I took a deep breath. “I’m sorry. It’s not your fault. It’s mine. Teagan, last night I was in the hospital.”
Her eyes got huge. “Are you okay?”
“I feel like I’ll never be okay again. Last night, A.J. and I lost our baby.”
“Oh my God, Cara. I am so sorry. I had no idea.”
She grabbed me so hard I’ll have marks. I’m good with that.
We stood in the middle of the living room and cried, holding each other so tight neither of us could breathe. “Oh, Cara, I’m so sorry. I’m so very, very sorry.”
She broke away from me and took A.J. in her arms. They cried together. I’m glad my family understands that men need to grieve, too. As I sat on the couch and watched, not only did it break my heart all over again, but it dawned on me: A.J.’s reaction to all of this was the first time I’d seen him show any emotion other than anger. I’d prayed that he could do that. That he could show more emotion. Or at least an emotion other than anger. Had I put all this into motion?
I erased that from my mind. Well, actually, I didn’t allow myself to think about it. Thoughts like that have a tendency to pop up when you least expect them.
Teagan went to the kitchen to put on the kettle and give me a minute alone with A.J.
“Are you okay?” I asked him.
“Yeah. I’m not good at this stuff. I’m sorry.”
“For what?”
“For falling apart on you and your sister.”
“A.J., I’ve never loved you more than I did in that moment.”
He tightened his lips and nodded. He was obviously on emotional overload.
But right then, right at that moment, I felt like the world had lifted off my shoulders. Mom wasn’t there, but Teagan was. Mom’s voice was still in my head. A.J. loved me, and he loved the baby, and we could get through anything together.
For the first time since my mother died, I felt like I could breathe. Like an elephant wasn’t sitting on my chest.
“What’s up?” A.J. looked at me, full of curiosity.
“I’m not sure. I just feel better. Almost human. For the first time since this all started, I feel like I might survive.”
“I think maybe it’s coming to you that everything didn’t end with your mother. I’m not trying to be disrespectful here. You know that. But I think maybe for you, you saw your mother as the sun in your universe, and you assumed without the sun, all the other planets would die.”
“Maybe. I feel kind of like a fog has all of a sudden lifted.”
“You want a cup of tea?” Teagan called from the kitchen.
“Yeah, I think I do.”
The three of us sat at the table, and I drank my cup of tea. First time I’ve really tasted it since I got that terrible phone call about the wreck.
“I feel like I’ve come out of a coma or something. Do you realize at the time I didn’t even notice that Adeline, Anna, and Carolyn didn’t come home for the funeral? If my mind had been working, that would have registered in my brain as a really big deal. When Barry beat me up, they were on it. How selfish am I? I didn’t put two and two together and figure out there must have been something really wrong.”
“I’m Carolyn’s grandson, and I didn’t stop to think about it. Gran is taking pride in the fact she covered the whole thing well enough not to add any more stress to our lives.”
“What exactly happened?” Teagan blew on her tea.
“She fell. At first, they all thought she broke her hip.”
“That’s not good.”
“Turned out that she actually torqued her back. I can’t remember the official terms, but when she went down, she did something to her back, and she screwed up some nerves. That hurt like hell. She couldn’t walk.”
“Hurting your back can actually be worse than breaking a hip.”
A.J. filled in the blanks for Teagan. “They called an ambulance and took her to the hospital. The girls all dutifully turned off their cell phones as soon as they set foot in the emergency room. I’m not even sure you have to do that anymore. Anyway, I called about then with news of the car crash. Gran got the voicemail, and then we talked for a few minutes on the phone. She decided she would keep her medical problems to herself. By that time, all the tests were done, and they told her she couldn’t travel for at least a week. When she called to tell me she and the others couldn’t come back for the funeral, I didn’t even question it. Told her not to worry about it. Nothing was really registering in my brain. I was so worried about Cara I wasn’t thinking about anything else.”
I explained to Teagan what it looked like from my side. “Yeah, Adeline was very convincing, too. She told me they were aware of how everyone shows up and takes care of you right after a death in the family, and they didn’t want to get in the way, but later, when things settled down, that’s when they felt they could be of some use. Mom told me that all the time. Don’t fall away from the people who are left behind, because they will need you more later than they will right away, so it just made sense to me. I didn’t question it.”
“How is she now?”
I answered Teagan. “She claims she’s fine, but Adeline and Anna are insisting she have a follow-up appointment with a specialist. They’re going to take her in for an MRI tomorrow, and then she’ll see the specialist. I offered to drive her myself, but she insists the girls have it all under control.”
“I’m glad she has the girls.”
A.J. smiled. “Me, too. I think that good friendships later in life mean you’ll live a lot longer and enjoy your life a lot more.”
I looked at Teagan. We both thought the same thing. It didn’t work that way for Mom. Mom didn’t get a “later in life.”
Teagan took a deep breath. “Are you gonna tell the family?”
She didn’t have to tell me what she meant or what she thought.
“I don’t know. Part of me doesn’t want to put any more at their feet. It’s enough that we’re still trying to deal with Mom’s passing.” I looked at A.J. His face seemed to have taken on a kindness since we got home from the hospital. Even more than when Barry beat me up. “We don’t want to tell anyone right now. We don’t want to make everything harder.” I spoke for A.J. I seemed to be doing that a lot lately.
“Just because someone broke their back doesn’t make my broken ankle feel any better.” The moment the words were out of her mouth, Teagan realized how I might take them. “I’m not saying the loss of your child is any less difficult than the loss of Mom. I didn’t mean it that way.”
“I know. I just feel like Daddy’s had enough to deal with.”
“Your decision. I’m gonna get out of your way. I’ll call you this afternoon. If you need anything, anything at all, you call me.”
“What about your wedding?”
“Screw it. We’ll figure that out later. We hit the pause button because of Jessie’s mother. I have no idea when we’re going to hit the play button. I’m not worried about it. It will be what it is when it’s meant to be.”
When
she was gone, A.J. asked me for the thirtieth time if I needed anything. When I said no, he asked, “Was that a little weird?”
“Which? Teagan has a talent for weird.”
“They delayed the wedding because of Jessie’s mother. Okay. I can see that. I’m not a family guy as far as my family is concerned, but I would understand if you wanted to delay our wedding so that somebody in your family could be there.”
It stung that my mother wouldn’t be there, but I have to stop pointing those things out to myself every time.
A.J. didn’t pick up on my instant mood change and kept talking. “But to say screw it, we’ll get to it when we get to it? That just seems weird to me.”
“I think she’s split right down the middle. Half of her figures that it’s going to happen, so no reason to stress. The other half figures that fate or God or Mom stepped in, and it’s not going to happen, so why stress?”
“She seems awfully calm.”
“Yeah, that worries me, too.”
“You should take a nap.”
“I just got up.”
“Cara, promise me, if you aren’t feeling well, if anything happens, you’ll tell me so that we can bring you in.”
“I promise. I’m fine. Sad, but physically I’m okay.”
“I almost lost you when Barry beat the crap out of you. It felt like I might lose you when they came in and prepped you for surgery all of a sudden. I can deal with anything. Anything. But I can’t deal with even the thought of losing you. You have to take care of yourself. For me.”
I swear I’m going to need another IV for dehydration if I don’t stop crying, but at least this time my tears weren’t for a bad thing.
TWO
I GOT TO my parents’ house earlier than I thought.
“Morning, Daddy.”
“What brings you to me this early in the day?”
“Just wanted to talk for a few minutes.”
“Glad you did. I worry for you, girl. You are not looking well the past few weeks.”
“What do the doctors say about you, Daddy?”
“I’ll be fine when it is time for me to be so. They are still trying to decide on the need for another surgery. I tell them I am fine, but they choose not to believe me.”
Healing Tea Page 1
