“They don’t question your abilities, Daddy. They question your comfort.”
“That’s the whole of it. I will never be comfortable again.” A sad look washed over him.
When it happens, it breaks my heart.
I almost chickened out.
“What is it that is on your mind, Cara?”
When he used my real name, instead of a pet name, it all came flooding out. I told him how sad I had been since Mom died. That I hadn’t been taking proper care of myself. That I’d lost the baby. Our first baby. And that I had never been so sad in all my life.
He held me for a few minutes, then said, “You look just as your mother did in the days after she lost a child.”
I knew in the back of my mind that my mother had lost a child, but I’d been so self-centered the last couple of days, I hadn’t stopped to consider I would be bringing back that loss to my father so soon after he’d lost my mother. I’m such an idiot.
“I’m glad you told me, girl.”
“I’m sorry to bring even more to your door, Daddy.”
“Don’t be silly. I’m glad you came to talk. I’m glad you trust me with your heart, just as your mother did.”
That did it. I lost my mind. Cried as hard as I have ever cried.
But it was good.
You know how sometimes you cry, and you feel like it just leaves you empty? I’ve been crying that cry for a while now. This cry was different. This cry filled me up. This cry was one of healing, not complete loss.
“It’s been a rough time for you and me, that it has, but your mother wouldn’t want the two of us to wallow. That was never her way. When she lost the wee one, it fully broke her heart, as it did mine, but she was so sure the babe would be with all those your mother had lost and loved. Cara, darlin’, that baby is in your mother’s arms. I can feel it.”
“Do you really believe that, Daddy?”
“I do.”
“You know, I’m not as religious as you and Mom.”
“It has not a thing to do with religion, girl. It is about faith.”
“I have a lot of faith.”
“As do I.”
“I’m just not always sure what I have faith in.”
“I have faith in your mother, Cara. If there is a life after, I am certain she is taking care of that little one. Smiling just as she did when you were a babe.”
When I could talk again, I said, “Thank you, Daddy. That really does help.”
“It is a help for me, too. Your mother won’t be so lonely till I get there.”
It was a day for crying.
“Daddy? Have you decided if you want to do some kind of service?”
“I have decided not to do another one. Had I been fated to be there, I would have been, but I would like to do something a little bit different. I hope your mother would approve.”
“What would you like to do?”
“I’d like to have dinner, Sunday night. Here at the house. I’d like all of you to attend. Have you girls fix all of your mother’s favorites. When dinner is done, I’d like to sit ’round the table and have a cup.”
“We can do that.”
“It’s not too soon? I don’t want to bring it all back to the surface for the lot of you.”
“Daddy, it’s on the surface already, and always will be.”
“Will you make the calls?”
“I’d be happy to.”
I called everyone and asked them to be at dinner Sunday. I also asked them to be at my apartment on Saturday night. And to bring their children. I have a project for everyone to do.
I stopped at the big box store and bought Kleenex.
Eight boxes wrapped together.
I doubted it would be enough.
A.J. met me for my follow-up doctor appointment.
They said the things that doctors say.
Nature takes over sometimes.
No reason to believe it will happen again.
Nothing I did caused it.
Nothing I could have done to stop it.
According to the reports the hospital sent over, I wasn’t as far along as I thought when I first heard about it.
If it happens again, they might suggest genetic testing, but the reality is, although it’s devastating to us, it’s just one of those things. Actually, my doctor was very gracious, and she was kind and had all the right words. Problem was I didn’t have ears to hear them.
She told me not to get pregnant again for a while.
She gave me a handout and told me to be gentle with myself and call her if I needed anything at all.
A.J. seemed so relieved that I would be okay.
It made my heart smile a little bit.
I needed that.
Joy called me. It completely confused me at first. Then it dawned on me that I’d told her to call anytime about anything. Teagan and Jessie and Jessie’s baby momma needed to learn to deal with each other, but until that happened, I’m glad Joy reached out to someone in the O’Flynn clan.
It just seemed like the wrong time.
She asked if we could meet.
I told her I’d been unwell, and she was welcome to come to my apartment, but I didn’t think I could go anywhere. The visit to Daddy’s house and the doctor’s office had worn me out.
The notion that I was already calling it Daddy’s house, not “my parents’ house” about killed me.
“I don’t really want Joynessa ’round any germs, so maybe I’d better just wait until you feel better.”
“Oh, I’m not contagious. I’m sorry. I’m not making a lot of sense right now.” I went ahead and explained all that had happened in the last day and a half. It felt good to pour out my soul to a stranger. To talk to someone I didn’t feel like I was burdening because there was no emotional entanglement there.
I also didn’t want her to think that I was blowing her off over something unimportant. It probably took a lot for her to get up the nerve to call me.
She was so upset for me.
She actually cried for us.
Maybe she’s not so bad after all.
“Do you need anything? Can I bring you anything at all?”
“I’m fine. What is it that you wanted to talk about, Joy?”
“Oh, nothing important. Nothing that can’t wait until you’re on your feet again.”
“I’m one of those people that actually feels better if there’s something I can do to help. Why don’t you tell me what’s going on? And I’ll let you know if it’s something I can work with now or something that might be better to wait a little bit.”
“It’s totally selfish.” There was a short pause, like she was trying to figure out what to say next. “I don’t like your sister.” Even over the phone, I could feel her try to take those words back.
I let out a little bit of a chuckle. “She can be an acquired taste.”
“That didn’t come out right. It’s just that your sister and I…” She took a breath and started again. “Your sister has everything that I thought was mine. She has Jessie. They’re building a life. Ya know?”
“I understand that’s hard to watch. My mother would say the fact that Jessie is with Teagan tells you he was not right for you, and someone much better will come along.”
“Yeah, well, I don’t want to say anything negative about your mom. She probably even believes that.”
“Yes, she did. But that’s not why you called. What’s going on?”
“When you came to my apartment, you said if there was anything you could do to make all this easier, you would do it. I know I shouldn’t try to put you in the middle, but I was gonna ask if you would be my middle person.”
“Middle person?”
“Until we all get used to everything, if you could kind of be a buffer between me and your sister and Jessie.”
“I could do that.”
“I don’t want to come between you and your sister or anything.”
“Nothing and no one could come between me
and my sister. You don’t have to worry about that.” I wanted her to know up front that if this was a setup to try to cause family drama, it wasn’t going to work.
“I was just kind of hoping that we could each talk to you instead of each other. Every time I hear her voice, I want to punch something.”
“Been there, done that.”
Joy laughed. “And every time I hear Jessie’s voice, I cry. That isn’t healthy, and I don’t want Joynessa to see that kind of shit. Or to pick up on the stress and have it mess her up.”
“I think that’s very smart. I think calling me was a good decision. Of course, it could be I’m just a little conceited, but I’m okay with that.”
She chuckled. “You really made this easy for me, Cara.”
“Good. Have you figured out how you want this to work?”
“Not really. I just figured if I needed to tell them something, I’d call you, and if they needed to tell me something, they would ask you to call me.”
“I’ll talk to them and see what they say.”
“Cara, I don’t want to start off sounding like a bitch, but this isn’t negotiable on their part. If you wanted to say no, I fully understand. But they don’t get to say no. I think I’m being reasonable. You’re being more than reasonable. If they don’t like it, then we’re just gonna have to let the courts figure it out.”
“I’ll pass that along. Joy, I’m good at being a neutral buffer. That’s pretty much what I do for a living. I’m not gonna take sides in this stuff. But I also feel like I need to tell you that if I am ever forced to take sides, it isn’t going to be your side.”
“Yeah, I figured you would side with your sister.”
“It isn’t going to be her side either.”
“What?”
“I will always side with Joynessa. Whatever I think is best for her — that’s what I’ll do.”
“No mother could find fault with that.”
“Easy to say, but hard to live by.”
“I can see that.”
“Joy?”
“Yeah?”
“I really appreciate you calling me and making an effort to do what is right for Joynessa. I have a lot of respect for that.”
“Thanks. I gotta go. She needs a bath, and I got laundry to do.”
“Okay. I’ll talk to Teagan and Jessie and get back to you.”
I took a nap. All the crying and all the physical stuff had really wiped me out.
A.J. refused to leave my side.
I kept telling him I was fine, and I knew he had work to do, but he wouldn’t leave.
I’ll always be grateful for that.
He was sitting on the couch, staring into space, when I came out into the living room from my shower. I take the world’s fastest showers, but they still relax me, and I needed a little relaxation.
“How you feeling?” he asked.
“I’m okay. Can’t turn my brain off. How about you?”
“You want to run away from home?”
“What?”
“That’s what you called it when you and Teagan went on the cruise. And when you went to Texas. You want to run away from home with me?”
“Where?”
“Anywhere. Just a little time to spend with you and me and nothing else and nobody else. Somewhere where nobody knows us.”
“I’d love to. When?”
“Soon. I can move everything around at work. What about you?”
“Adeline is really generous about that kind of thing. About everything, really.” I was feeling better by the moment. “I can leave in an hour.” I couldn’t help but smile.
“How about Monday morning? After you do that thing for your Dad?”
“That would be perfect. Sharing memories on Sunday night, making new ones on Monday. My mom would love that. I love you. Thank you for thinking of it.”
We snuggled on the couch. We didn’t talk. Didn’t turn on the TV. Just sat.
It was a good thing.
I called to ask Adeline if I could take a few days off. I told her A.J. and I wanted to run away from home. She thought that was a great idea and wanted to know where we were going.
“Somewhere that nobody knows us, and we don’t have any obligations. Just me and A.J.”
“Would you do me the honor of allowing me to plan your getaway?”
“What? Adeline, I didn’t call to ask you to do that. I just wanted to know if it was okay for me to leave for a few days. I’m all caught up on work. I’ll bring my work phone and laptop in case you need anything.”
“You will do no such thing. Do you and your young man have any preferences as to where you would like to go?”
“Not really.”
“When would you like to leave?”
“We thought Monday morning. We’re having kind of a family memory night for my mother on Sunday. Just dinner at my dad’s house, really.” Why did my heart skip a beat every time I said it was my dad’s house instead of my parents’ house? That adjustment came way too fast.
“If you will allow me the pleasure, I’ll make all the arrangements for your little getaway. Please allow me to do this, Cara.”
How can you say no to your boss? “Thank you. Adeline, we don’t need anything fancy. We thought we’d just drive for a while, see where we ended up, get a hotel room, and veg.”
“I think we can do slightly better than that. You leave it all to me.” With that, she was gone.
What just happened?
On the one hand, Adeline taking over my vacation plans was totally weird and inappropriate. On the other hand, she has been so good to me, and she is just trying to help, and I don’t want to lose my job. It also comes with the benefit that I don’t have to think about it. All I have to do is explain it to A.J. and let Adeline’s people do all the planning. I’m sure she will just call somebody and tell them to pick out a place for us to go. Maybe Orlando. Saint Augustine? Miami? There are so many great places in Florida. I have nothing to worry about.
When I told A.J. that Adeline had taken over the planning of our mini vacation, he was a good sport.
I don’t think it’ll turn out quite the way we’d planned, but at least we’ll get away for a few days, and that’s the important part.
Not sure which of us I am trying to convince with that line of thought, but I’m sticking to it.
We moved the family meeting Saturday night from my apartment over to Teagan and Jessie’s new house. To say they have a lot more space would be as much of an understatement as saying that I’m a little bit jealous of the kitchen. Really, people that don’t cook should not be allowed to have beautiful kitchens. It’s just not right.
I got there about a half hour early and set things out. At first we were going to do it all in the backyard, but if the kids get carried away with glitter and that ends up in the pool, I’m not even sure how you would get that out. We decided on the breakfast nook for the kids; when they’re done, we’ll hose them down if necessary, then stick them in front of a television with snacks and a kid-friendly movie. I know it’s bad form to have a television babysit your kids, but considering the circumstances, I’m sure God and my mother will excuse us this once. Then the adults will do their thing.
Everybody showed up on time. A minor miracle. Seamus is usually really late.
Seeing Valerie and Sinead, both looking like the healthiest mothers-to-be that were ever blessed to be put on this planet, just about killed me.
Teagan saw the look on my face and came over and gave me a side hug.
I’m sure everyone else assumed I was still just being me, and it was all about Mom. At some point, I’ll tell everybody, but I don’t want to do that right now.
The kids were in charge of creating a memory box. They could make one of their own, or they could all make one together. We told them that we were going to put our very best memories of Grandma in there, and the box would live over at Grandpa’s house. They got excited when they heard they could decorate it any way they wanted.
By the time they were done, it was a multi-media masterpiece. It was mostly Jordan’s doing, he being the oldest and most artistic, but he was careful to include the little ones.
There were pictures of my mom and handprints in paint and just a little sparkle. There were shamrocks — not four-leaf clovers, even the kids know the difference — and lots of smiles and a butterfly that Jordan explained was my mother in her new form.
That about killed me.
When the kids were done and in front of the television, the adults took over.
After some discussion, we decided that our approach would be to write down a little bit of a story about Mom that made us smile. On the other side of the paper, we would write our name. In that way, we could ask the person about the story if we were unfamiliar with it. We decided we wouldn’t write out the whole story, because it would take forever, but promised at some point in the near (to almost near) future, we would take the time to write all the stories so that Mom’s “voice” would never be lost. We want all the kids to know her. Even those that are not old enough to remember, or those not born yet.
I figured it would take us about an hour. Maybe an hour and a half. How long does it take to write a few words about stories we have all heard a million times? Turned out that there were lots of stories we hadn’t heard about. Some of them we talked about; some we said we’d wait on.
A.J. and I were the last ones to leave, but only by about ten minutes.
We walked in the door of our apartment a little past four in the morning.
I was so exhausted, but I felt like Mom had been there, and she knew how much we all love her.
I slept better than I’ve slept in such a long time.
We got to Daddy’s early in the afternoon. “We” being the women of the family. We were the first shift. The husbands and kids would join us after we got all the cooking done. I know that sounds forty-seven kinds of chauvinistic, but the truth is, with that many people in one smallish house, it’s just easier not to have everybody underfoot.
Daddy had the potatoes peeled and sitting in two big pots on the counter. We’d decided the night before that today was a day of celebrating our mother, and there was no way in the world I was going to allow anything or anybody to be less than one hundred percent involved, so it made me smile that Daddy had done that.
Healing Tea Page 2
