Healing Tea

by Sheila Horgan

  “I’ve been in a dark place. With the trunk. With a lot of stuff. Before my mom died, she called Teagan and me over there. Remember?”

  He nodded.

  “She told us we were negative, and she raised us better than that.”

  “You are one of the least negative people I know.”

  “Then you need to find yourself a better group to hang around with.” I gave him my best smile. Something I hadn’t done enough of lately.

  “Maybe.” He sat down at the table and breathed in the scent of breakfast like a cartoon character. I half expected him to rise off the chair and click his feet together.

  I hadn’t thought that way in a while.

  I gave myself a tiny little pat on the back and brought over a pot of tea.

  “A full pot? Really?”

  “I think that is part of the problem. Think about how much tea I drank when we met. I literally had it running through my veins. I would have surprised not a single person if I had it in an IV drip.”

  “You sounded like your mother just then.”

  “Good. I meant to. I’ve been too focused on missing her and not focused enough on delighting in her.”

  “I think that is pretty understandable.”

  “I do, too. But even Daddy told me that my mother would not want us to wallow, so I’m going to un-muck-i-fy myself and move forward to a better place.”

  “How can I help?”

  “I’m not sure you can, but one of the things I think I need to do is get back to being me. Part of that is I am an open book. I’ve been keeping too many secrets, and I think that is part of what is weighing me down.”

  A look of concern again.

  “Not from you, from other people. If it’s okay with you, I’m going to tell my family about the baby. I feel like it is worse when I keep it to myself, and I know you know that it was already brutally bad.”

  “Do you want me to go with you?”

  “I’m going to tell Sinead and Valerie in person, because I want to be able to gauge how they’re doing, but I’m going to tell everyone else over the phone. I can do it on my own, but you are more than welcome if it will help you.”

  “Whatever way is best for you.”

  I knew he didn’t want to be emotional over and over in front of my family, but the reality is, when they next see him, they are going to blubber all over him — and me — and I think that is a good thing.

  “How about I make the first phone call, then we will see how it goes from there?”

  “I have a meeting with Morgan today. Will you be calling her early or later?”

  “Did you want to talk to her about it in person? You spend more time with Morgan and Liam than I do these days.”

  “I think that would be best.”

  “Okay, I’ll leave that to you.”

  “What do you want me to say?”

  “I trust you completely. You will handle it beautifully.” I kissed his cheek. “I haven’t told you how much I appreciate all you have done for me, especially since Mom left. I can’t begin to imagine how I would have dealt with it if you hadn’t been so good to me. I can’t imagine anything in life without you. I love you so much.”

  The softer side of A.J. that I’ve seen a few times in the last few weeks was on display again. “You’re everything to me, Cara. I hope you know that.”

  “I thought I did, but in the last few weeks, I feel like I’m really beginning to understand what that means. I always felt like I had my family and I had you, so I was doubly blessed. But in the last few weeks, it changed. I now know you are my family, the very best part of it. You aren’t an addition to it; you are the most important part of it.”

  I was in his arms instantly.

  I forgot how good that feels.

  Not the hug part — A.J. is a hugger — the instantaneous blending of our auras.

  Now I sound like Mom.

  I pulled back and looked in his eye. “But don’t tell Teagan I said that.”

  He burst out laughing.

  It’s good to have that back.

  SIX

  THEY SAY THE roughest part of a journey can be the first couple of steps. Boy, is that the truth.

  Today, I drove over to Sinead and Howard’s place. I even called first and told Sinead that I wanted to talk to her, and I’d bring Kleenex.

  She tried, but she isn’t Teagan. She had a pot of tea at the ready, but no chocolate.

  When I told them that A.J. and I had lost the baby, Sinead seemed to curl into herself. Almost like she was trying to hide her pregnant belly.

  “I need you two to know something.”

  Howard seemed the tiniest bit defensive.

  “I don’t want you to hide your happiness from me. I’m thrilled for you guys. You’re going to be the best parents. Please, please do not let this change the way things have been.”

  Howard let out his breath. “I thought you were going to say something else.”

  I was genuinely confused. I looked at Sinead.

  “He thought you would say something about us being so young, and you being more prepared.”

  I wasn’t sure if I should cry or punch him. Of all the things I thought about Sinead and Howard having a child and me losing one, and all the devastation and jealousy and stuff that goes with it, I never, ever would think that I was more deserving.

  Howard was so quiet. “Sorry.”

  I guess my face told the story.

  “You get to feel your feelings, Howard. It’s kind of a rule.”

  Sinead smiled. “You sound like Mom.”

  We laughed, and Sinead poured out.

  It hadn’t been as horrible as I thought.

  Hard, but not horrible.

  My next stop was to talk to Valerie and Seamus. Turns out, they were home, too. Valerie is on a sabbatical-slash-maternity leave type thing. With a high-risk pregnancy, she didn’t want to take any chances. Seamus has been working from home. For me, that would be major stress. Seamus can be a little high-strung in a not psychotic but more of a pain in the rear kind of way, but obviously Valerie likes him.

  I wouldn’t say that I’m predictable, but they had tea ready, too.

  I tried basically the same approach with Valerie and Seamus that I did with Howard and Sinead, but it was harder the second time. Maybe it was the look on Seamus’s face. He looked absolutely devastated for me. He did that thing where he clenches his jaw so tight it looks like his teeth are gonna break. Then it was the hand thing where he puts one in kind of a fist and the other one around it, which lots of guys do, but Seamus does it in this weird, supercontrolled way that makes it really intense.

  When Valerie hugged me goodbye, the baby kicked. He kicked so hard I actually felt it. Her smile at me was so sad.

  I made it all the way to the car and drove almost three houses before I allowed myself to fall apart.

  I’m getting better.

  I told everybody else over the phone. That was a little bit easier. I got all the reactions you would expect. It was so early in the pregnancy I’m sure some people would wonder why it was such a big deal. Those people have either never been through it or aren’t O’Flynn material.

  When I was talking to Adeline — she was already aware because A.J. had told his grandmother — she told me that she would be arriving in the morning. They had already made arrangements for transport, and A.J.’s grandmother would be staying with her in the loft for a while. Anna might join them. They wanted to make sure Carolyn was one hundred percent before they left her to her own devices.

  “Is there anything you need? Anything I can do?”

  Adeline’s voice softened. “Yes, actually, there is. We would love for you to come over tomorrow afternoon and tell us all about your trip.”

  “I’d love to do that.”

  “We will see you then. And, Cara?”

  “Yes?” I thought maybe she had another request. Maybe special food or something to help with Carolyn’s injury.

  “I ha
ve been where you are, dear. I want you to know two things.”

  The tears started immediately. “Okay.”

  “Firstly, there is not a soul in the world who knows what you need to get through this, with the possible exception of that lovely young man of yours.”

  I couldn’t talk.

  Adeline continued. “If there is anything at all that we can do, please know that you have only to ask. This is a pain like no other. I fully understand. I will not tell you that in time, you will be better. What I will tell you is that in time, you will learn how you need to deal with it.”

  “Thank you, Adeline.”

  She got off the phone almost immediately after her comment. I think she knew I couldn’t do any more.

  Teagan called before I could put down the phone. “Are you okay?”

  “Yep. Why?”

  “I heard you’re making the rounds. Everyone is worried about you. They are calling to see if you are okay.”

  “What did you say?”

  “I said not yet, but you will be.”

  “That sounds right. Can we talk about something else? I don’t want to start in again.”

  “Remember when Mom always used to say that it’s just as easy to be happy as it is to be unhappy?”

  “Yeah. I’m trying, Teagan.”

  “Oh, no, sorry. I wasn’t talking about you. That sounded really bad on the heels of what we were talking about, but I changed subjects in my brain.”

  “Use your blinkers before changing lanes.”

  “Sorry, consider me blinked.”

  “Okay, I remember Mom saying that all the time. What are we talking about?”

  “I guess we’re talking about me and Jessie and Joy and Joynessa and all of that.”

  “And you have decided to be happy about it?”

  “I have decided not to be unhappy about it, which is a step in the right direction. Mom was right, you know.”

  “She always is, but what are we talking about, exactly?”

  “I’ve put so much energy into allowing my feelings to be hurt and only thinking about the negative stuff that I haven’t spent any time on the positive stuff.”

  “I’m listening.”

  “Jessie is a good guy. When he finally figured out, for real, that Joynessa is his daughter, he really stepped up. He has worked hard to make sure that her best interests are met, no matter what Joy says.”

  “I thought we were being positive.”

  “If you knew what I was thinking just yesterday — seventeen kinds of curses and a hex or two — you would know that this is positive.”

  “Okay. No hexes is personal growth. To what do we attribute this turnaround?”

  “Mom.”

  “Did she come visit you?”

  “I’m not sure.”

  I tried to be happy for Teagan, but Mom always promised to come have a cup of tea with me, and since it hadn’t happened, I was more jealous than generous. “What does that mean?”

  “Well, last night, it was really late, and Jessie was still at the office. I’m not used to all the different noises in the new house, but I heard something that wasn’t right. I went downstairs, and you know that Irish blessing I have hanging on the side of the cabinet in the kitchen, the one you can see from the family room?”

  “Yeah.”

  “It was pretty much falling off the nail.”

  I felt better. That wasn’t a visit from Mom. That was just bad picture-hanging skills.

  “I figured I just hadn’t gotten it on there right, so I straightened it and went back upstairs.”

  See, even Teagan realized it was just her lack of skill.

  “Then I was just sitting there, trying to decide what to do, go to bed, read a book, or maybe watch some television, and I heard the sound again. I go running downstairs, like I’m gonna catch somebody messing with my blessing, and there it was all messed up again.”

  I figured it must have been a breeze or a vibration from one of her appliances or something. It still isn’t a visitation — if there is such a thing.

  Teagan was reading my mind again. “I figured it was probably the fridge or something, but I really didn’t want my blessing to fall down. It would break if it fell from that height. So I went out in the garage, and I found those hook things like you use. I attached a picture wire across the back of my blessing. Then I put two of those screw things in the wall and hung the picture so that it couldn’t possibly come off balance, you know what I mean?”

  “Yeah. That’s how my pictures are hung. I do it because it is easier to make them stay straight.”

  “Yep.”

  “So, don’t tell me. You go upstairs, and it goes crooked again.”

  “Nope. Didn’t hear anything the rest of the night. Jessie came home. We went to bed. Everything was fine.”

  “That’s not much of a story, Teagan.”

  “It wasn’t much of a story, until this morning.”

  “What happened this morning?

  “I went downstairs, and the blessing was sitting on the floor, propped up against the cabinet. It wasn’t broken. The hooks are still in the cabinet. The wire is still on the blessing. Nothing is disturbed. It’s like someone took it off the hook and gently placed it on the floor.”

  “Did you ask Jessie?”

  “Yep, and he looked at me like I was crazy. Asked me why he would move the blessing after the argument we had over me putting holes in the cabinet to put it there in the first place. Once I explained how important it was to me, he didn’t mind the holes and figured it would be there until we die.”

  “That is kind of weird.”

  “Kind of?”

  “You really think it was Mom?”

  “I have no idea. It does freak me out a little.”

  “It would freak me out. Strange things happen. Maybe you didn’t have it hooked on there right.”

  “Maybe. We’ll never know.”

  “If it’s on the floor again, you’ll know.”

  “Oh, hell no. I moved it. I don’t want things floating around in my house.”

  “What about the holes in the cabinet. Did you put something else up there?”

  “A little toothpaste and eyebrow gel, and you can’t see the holes anymore, but I am not putting anything on that cabinet. I like the thought it could have been Mom with the thought that maybe it was just a mechanical thing. Depending on my mood and my emotional needs, one or the other works for me.”

  “I worry about you sometimes, Teagan.”

  “Good to know someone does. What are you and A.J. doing for dinner?”

  “Nothing that I’m aware of. Is that an invitation?”

  “Yes, we’ll be over at seven. I’ll bring your favorite dessert.”

  “I’m cooking?”

  “You want things back to normal, don’t you? You’ve missed cooking for me. You know you have, dingleberry.”

  “Actually, I have. What’s my favorite dessert?”

  “Sin.”

  “Sin is your favorite dessert. There’s enough chocolate in there to gag a maggot, and there’s got to be ten thousand calories just in the smell.”

  “That’s what makes it so good. You sure you’re up to it?”

  “I am. I’m gonna invite Suzi, too.”

  “See you at seven.”

  I was smiling when I hung up the phone.

  It has been too long, and I have missed, well, I’ve missed me.

  Suzi came over a few minutes early. A.J. had told her and Gran about the baby. We hugged and cried for a few minutes. I told her that I’ve made a conscious decision to feel better.

  “I know how you feel, Cara.”

  Every muscle in me tightened instantly. To my knowledge, Suzi had never lost a baby.

  Before I could say anything, she continued. “I’m sorry, not about the baby, about making a decision to feel better. That’s what happened with me after the whole thing with Barry. One day I was sitting at your mother’s house, and I was just crying my
eyes out. Your mom let me cry for a while. Then she said it was my choice how I wanted to feel.”

  “Yep, that sounds like Mom.” Instead of tears, Suzi’s comment brought me comfort. Maybe I will be sane again someday.

  “She told me it is like all those pictures on the Internet.”

  I stopped what I was doing and turned around. This one I may need to pay attention to. My mom never told me about pictures on the Internet being a comfort.

  Suzi burped Evelyn while she talked. “Your mom told me to think about some of those pictures on the Internet that are obviously photoshopped. Like that one everyone has seen with the huge dog. The woman swears up and down that it isn’t photoshopped. The lady offered to do lie detector tests and everything.”

  “Yeah, I’ve seen that one. As Mom would say, it’s a trick of the eye.”

  “Exactly. They place the dog closer to the camera and the girl farther away from the camera, and because of perspective, the dog looks huge, and the girl looks smaller. Everybody knows how that works, but when push comes to shove, people don’t take it into consideration.”

  “I get it.”

  “Your mother pointed out that when things go badly, we tend to put them close to the camera. We keep them right in front so that they are always in our view, and they look huge. It doesn’t change anything, really, other than the way we see the problem.”

  “That sounds like Mom. I’ll have to remember to have that conversation with Teagan.”

  “Is she having problems?”

  I spent the next few minutes explaining everything that had happened with Jessie and Joynessa.

  “That’s gotta be rough. I see a lot of that in my future.”

  “What?”

  “All the stuff that goes on with bringing a man into our lives. I was reading online. Did you know that a child is something like eighty times more likely to be abused by a non-biologically related male living in the house?”

  “That seems awfully high.”

  “I thought so, too, and you never know what people mean by abuse, but still, it scares the hell out of me.”

  “Look at Liam and Jordan. They’re meant to be together. They are totally bonded.”

  “Yes, but your brother isn’t like most guys, and his stepson isn’t like most kids.”