by S. Moose
When I close my eyes the past comes back with full force. I stayed on the bridge waiting for Ayden. It started raining and the skies grew darker. Deep down I knew he wasn’t coming. I refused to leave. Instead, I sat down on the bridge and held the necklace he got me between my fingers. My eyes stayed on the road, hoping, praying, he’d show up and take me away. I woke up in a hospital and was out for a few days. For the next few months, life was unbearable. I cried myself to sleep and checked my email, phone, and social media to see if anything about him would come up. I came up empty handed.
I’ve never lost the love I have for Ayden. I had a feeling we’d find each other again and things would work out.
Never did I think we’d be on a roller coaster ride with all of its twists and turns. Sometimes it’s too much, and I wonder if forgetting about him, about our love, would be better. But what would the point be if I never experienced a love so great? Even though it hurts every day we're apart, he's still a piece of me that I don't want to let go. Ayden holds me responsible for leaving him, and in his mind I ruined us, while his secrets and deception are keeping me away.
Resting on my head against the shower wall, I pull myself together and grab a towel. After changing into shorts and a tee shirt, I check my phone for messages. Wanting to stay in bed all day, I close my eyes and let my mind take me somewhere else.
I’m not sure what time it is when I wake up. Uncurling my body from the pillow I was hugging I turn around to see the time. It’s five in the morning and even though I’ve been in bed since yesterday, I’m tired and groggy. I try to count sheep and listen to slow R&B. Nothing works. Turning over on my side I look at the time and groan. It’s 5:15, and I know I’m not going back to sleep. Getting out of bed, I put on some clothes and my sneakers. Hopefully a run will wear me out.
My neighborhood is quiet and dark. I pull up my hoodie and focus on my breathing. I’m turning the corner to get out of my neighborhood when an SUV stops; it’s him.
Rolling down the window, he looks at me, “Camila, what are you doing?”
“Going for a run.” I try to hide my smart-ass tone. “Why are you up so early?”
“Couldn’t sleep. Thought I’d go for a drive. Would you like to join me?”
Everything inside me screams yes, but I can’t. Being in the same room, let alone the same car, with Ayden is too much. I know I’m being a drama queen and I should get over my feelings since he’s going to be part of my life for a long time. I miss Ayden and the way his hand on mine makes me feel. I miss his scent and the way his lips graze over my skin.
Pushing him out of my head I smile. “Not today. Maybe next time. I have to finish my run and get some things done around the house.”
“Why don’t I run with you.” It’s a statement, not a question. Parking his SUV, Ayden gets out and starts running. Standing there with my mouth slightly parted, I shake my head and follow him.
I’ve been doing so well forgetting about him and now we’re running together, side by side. I don’t know what he’s trying to do, and I don’t know if I hate it. Part of me likes it.
“I know you can run faster,” he eggs me on. Turning his head in my direction, his beautiful eyes slam into me. Holding my gaze, I see the hunger that I’m sure I’m now showing as well. Everything that is Ayden evokes a sexual desire and need. God why does he have the power to do this to me?
When we get back to my townhouse, Ayden comes in and grabs two bottles of water from the fridge. Sitting down on the bar stool he hands me a bottle and watches as I twist off the cap and drink the cold water.
“What?” I notice his lopsided smile. He shakes his head and drinks from his water bottle.
“I thought it would be nice to get dinner together.”
“Tonight?” I squeak.
He stands up and sets down the water bottle. Taking three steps towards me, his hand strokes down my arm, causing my body to shiver. “Yes, Angel, tonight.”
Angel? I haven’t heard that nickname in so long. Memories of our past slam into me, causing my heart to flutter in my chest. It takes me a minute to regain the strength I need to push him away.
How can he come into my home and make me feel this way? He can’t waltz in here like he owns the place. I mean technically he does, but no.
“Dinner, Camila.” His hand slides up my arm to my cheeks, and I lean into his touch. Oh how I miss him.
“Ayden, I can’t. This is too much.”
He sighs, “I know.”
“You need to leave.
“Are you sure?”
I nod, even though I don’t want him to. Even though I want him to curl up in bed with me. I can’t do this to my heart. Not again.
“Yes,” I barely let out. “I’m sure.”
He nods and kisses my forehead, leaving me in a puddle of emotions.
Finishing the errands I have for today, I head to Bev’s house and relax with her and Princess Gretchen.
“So you want him?” I shake my head then answer with a nod. “You two are so messed up. You can’t keep going back and forth. I love you both, but I know you’re hurting. You can’t keep doing this to yourself, Cam.”
“So what am I supposed to do? I can’t be with him. We’re holding things against each other. He blames me for the past, and I blame him for keeping Grayson away from me and hurting me. I know he loves me, and I love him, but sometimes love isn’t enough, Bev.”
“Yes, it is! When two people are truly in love, they are meant to be. Love is supposed to bring the two of you together. Get counseling or do something to get back the years you’ve lost.”
“I can’t.”
Bev sighs. I know she doesn’t agree with my decisions. Actually no one does. I feel like I’m the only one who understands, and it sucks being the only one on my side.
“Then push him away. You need to show him there’s no chance at a future, and you two will only be friends. I think you should start dating.” I curse myself because she’s right. If only I can remember how to be friends with him. The thought of going back into the dating world scares the shit out of me. I’ve only been with two guys in my life. I’m not experienced or know what I’m doing.
“Dating?” I repeat back, “I don’t think I can do that.”
“Why not?”
I sigh and throw back my head. “The thought of getting to know someone and trusting him scares me.”
“So, find a booty call?”
“Come again?”
“Exactly. That’s what you need to do.” Bev smiles and rubs my knee. “Being a mom doesn’t mean you can’t get a little action on the side. I think you need to explore your sexual side. Do something spontaneous, something fun.”
“Ah, if I can remember how to do that.” My first boyfriend was Ayden, and he was my first for everything. I didn’t get to explore or date around because I knew I loved Ayden. He was it for me and still is to this day.
“You’ll figure out something,” Bev encourages me. “Now, come help me rearrange Gretchen’s room!”
After spending a few hours helping Bev, I get in my car and sit for a few minutes before driving. Heading back home, I text Ayden to see how Grayson’s doing.
Ayden: He’s with my mom and Natalie
Me: Oh, okay
I don’t type more. Instead I put the phone in my purse and pull into the driveway. When I’m inside, I pull out take-out menus and try to decide what I’m feeling tonight.
Nothing’s appealing. Flopping onto the couch, I wonder what else I can do to take my mind off being hungry. Maybe heading to Wegmans will be a good thing even though I hate going food shopping when my stomach is screaming at me. Honestly, when I go to the store on an empty stomach, I buy way too much food. Not the greatest thing to do.
Thinking maybe a nap will help, I get up and head to my bedroom. Just as I’m about to climb up the stairs, the doorbell rings and I walk to the door to see who’s there.
Ayden’s holding a bag. I eye it and wonder what he has.
“Have you had dinner?” Before I can answer he comes in and places the food on the counter. I shut the door, fully aware that he’s doing this to annoy me.
“I actually ate, and I’m about to go to sleep. Food coma.” I say dryly.
“Lies,” he shakes his head and removes the food from the bag. Of course curiosity takes over, as a plethora of contains cascade over my island counter.
Ayden goes to the cupboard and grabs two plates. He takes a seat on the barstool and helps himself to the food. Watching him eat is annoying me. I don’t want to give in, but I’m so hungry.
Pulling out the barstool, I sit down and grab the chopsticks. Picking out the sushi rolls I want, we silently eat. I catch Ayden smiling in my periphery.
“Good. Glad you decided to stop being stubborn and eat.”
I hate how he knows what I need. He’s behind a line I don’t want to cross. Each time I think I’ll be okay without him, he does something like this to make me think we could be comfortable together.
“Thank you,” I mumble, focusing on my plate and not the way his stare is making me feel, but Ayden doesn’t understand that. He thinks he can waltz in and take control.
Stupidly, I let him.
“I don’t want you to think I hate you,” I start to say. “It’s hard for both of us, and I think we need to be fair.”
"I agree."
"We have to keep things civil, and if you want to stay in my life then you can't push yourself onto me whenever you feel like it. I still have a lot of anger against you, and you still hold me responsible for the past. We can't be together, Ayden. There's too much hate and anger between us. I think we can be friends and spend time together like this for Grayson's sake."
He flashes me his gorgeous smile. Ayden knows he’s drop dead sexy and can make any woman fall to her knees. Reaching over and taking a strand of my hair, he twirls it around his finger and keeps his eyes on me. My entire body is on fire, and all I want is to feel him. I can’t move and my eyes won’t look away. With Ayden touching me, all of our problems are out the door. I can’t think.
Leaning over he kisses my forehead and cleans the island, leaving me utterly breathless. Ayden approaches me, and his breath travels over my skin. “Have a good night. Thank you for dinner.” Son of a bitch.
“You can’t do this, Ayden. My mind and heart is not a game!” I scream, getting off my chair and facing him. I’m barely holding back the tears. “You cannot keep doing this. You know how I feel, and we both need time. Did you not hear me before?”
“You’re too selfish to figure out what’s right in front of you!” he screams back. "Why does this have to be complicated?"
"Because of you! In your head, I betrayed you, so you go on this crusade to get back at me. Well congratulations baby you did. You stole almost a year of Grayson's life from me. You stole Patrick from me. How can I forgive you?"
"And how can I forgive you?"
"I guess we can't forgive each other and here we are now. So you can either be my friend or keep your distance."
"Maybe you can show me how to forgive you."
“This is what I'm talking about, Ayden," I whisper. “You are volatile and manipulative. It’s like you’re playing a game in which you get points when you see me at my breaking point.” I shiver when I realize his hands are in mine. Trying to pull them away I’m no match for his strength.
“Tell me you hate me then.” I shake my head. Those are words I don’t want to speak.
“You know you hate me. I know you hate me. I stole memories from you and flew into your life without warning. I held Patrick in my arms and raised Grayson without you. I was there while he grew up and looked at me with love in his eyes.”
“I hate you!” I scream, pushing him away. “We are only in this for Grayson,” my voice shakes, “I hate you, Ayden. So much. Now get out!” He steps back as if I’ve slapped him, turns, and walks out the door.
Watching him leave, I fall to the ground and cover my sobs with my hands. The reminder of what he’s done comes back to my head.
This is why we can’t be together no matter how we feel.
Sharp
“TAKE MY CREDIT CARD and buy what you need for his birthday."
She scowls at me and rolls her eyes. "I don't need it, Ayden. I have my own money, which I do not understand why you insist on paying me that much every month. I don't pay for anything since you're taking care of it all. What am I going to do with it?"
"For a fucking rainy day, Camila. Why do you question everything I do for you?"
"Because," she screams, "I don't want you to take care of me! I want to be on my own and not feel dependent. For once, I want to be my own woman. The fact that you’re taking care of me makes me feel like you think we’re getting back together. And we aren’t." She pauses. “Remember, we’re friends for Grayson’s sake.”
"Of course,” I mutter. “But you are raising my son, and this fucking joint custody is stupid. I need to take care of the both of you, and you need to accept it.”
“Whatever. You think the joint custody is stupid, but it’s working.”
“Who is this working for, Camila?”
She sighs and sits down on the chair in front of my desk. Things haven’t been easy between us. It’s a constant battle, and the only thing we can agree on is the love and safety of our son.
“Move in with me. You'll have your own space and won't see me. I don't like having Grayson move from my house to yours. It's going to confuse him."
"He's not even one yet. Moving in together will be complicated. We agreed to be friends and raise him together. That’s all I can give you. You play too many games. One minute you’re hot and the next you’re cold. Stop with the mind games."
"I'm not trying to play games, Camila. I'm trying to be honest with you so please hold back any snarky ass remarks." I pause, looking at her, seeing the calm in her eyes. "I miss the both of you. The house is quiet," I lower my voice and take the glass of whiskey from my desk. Swirling the dark liquid in my glass, the ice cube clink against the glass. "I'm trying to make this better for us."
She sighs, "There's no us, Ayden. There have been too many secrets, and you don't trust me enough to let me in. How can I be with you?" It takes everything in me to not lunge out of my chair and pin her against the wall. I wait for my dick to calm the fuck down because being anywhere near her turns me on. Seeing her in front of me, wearing a tightly fitted dress and those heels, all I can image are her legs around my waist.
Needing to clear my head, I rush out of the office and to the parking lot. Slipping in my car, I turn off the conscious part of me. I toss my phone in the glove compartment and drive to the canal. Hitting the highway, I veer into the left lane and continue until I reach my destination.
Swiftly parking my car, I grab the files under my seat and crush them to my chest. Finding a secluded area overlooking the water, I pull out pictures of Camila and me – the happier times. Even though I know looking at these pictures won’t change anything and will leave me restless for a few nights, I continue looking at the pictures. These pictures kept me alive when I was on the streets. I looked at her beautiful smile every night and prayed we’d find each other. The nights turned longer, but I still held onto what I had of her. The pictures of her sitting on the tree back in Atlanta, or the ones of her lying on my bed, are my favorites because in each picture she’s showing me her smile.
I know that all she wants is the truth about her parents and where I was when she thought I died. And I know that’s what I can’t give her.
Leaning against the hood of my car, I look out and see the ripples in the lake. Memories of bringing Grayson here, spending time with him and wishing Camila were with us comes to my mind. Thinking about her usually puts my life into perspective, but now it's not working. Everything feels empty. The battle we’re both facing isn’t going to get better. I can’t let her in and tell her everything. I can’t bring her to the level of depravity that consumes m
y soul. The whispered words are loud, pushing me away and making me realize they’re better off without me, my house, my company, my heart. It all belongs to them.
The image of her turning away, thinking I killed her parents, haunts me. The demands pushing me to tell her the truth is eating at me and pissing me off. I don't want to bring her down that hole. I love her too much to show her that side of me that I’ve kept hidden.
A car pulls in beside mine. I don't turn to see who it is.
"Let's grab a drink. You look like shit."
I lower my head, "I feel like shit."
"Come on. Let's watch the game and have a few beers." Dylan pats my shoulder, and we both go back to our cars.
After we’re seated and put in our orders, Dylan drinks his beer and looks at me. “I don’t want to be a fucking girl or anything, and I know you don’t want to talk about this. I get it man. I get you feel like you were fucked over. But what did you hope you would accomplish?”
“Honestly, I wanted to hurt her. I didn’t think she’d still have feelings for me. I thought she’d hate me and want nothing to do with me. I’m so fucking screwed up in the head.”
“You had to know that this wasn’t going to work.”
“That’s the thing about love, Dylan. You do stupid shit and make mistakes. Nothing’s perfect. You want the best for your family and the woman you love. You want the world for them and you try your best. Sometimes you fail and sometimes you succeed. Right now, Camila and I aren’t seeing things right, and I’m letting her go.”
“You’re what?” Dylan sputters. “What to do you mean you’re letting her go?”
“I love her enough to let her go.”
“That’s bullshit,” Dylan seethes. “You can’t give up. When you let go of the only woman you’ve held onto for years, that tells you something. You want those whores? Someone who’ll use you and screw you over?” I should listen to him and make up my mind. “Man I get that the two of you have issues. Just don’t give up.”
