by S. Moose
“I have. It’s been up and down,” I sigh. “I saw her today at the cemetery. I gave her space since I had my time.”
“Good,” Taylor tells me. “You need to give her space and let her come back to you. We talked, and she still loves you. When are you going to let her in?”
That’s the question of the century.
“I’m not sure if I ever will.”
Putting up the last of the balloons and streamers, we gather around Grayson; his face beams with joy when he sees Camila and me.
"Happy birthday to you." The room erupts with applause and laughter. I look at my son, who is holding a piece of vanilla cake with blue frosting. He smashes the cake in his face, throws his head back, and laughs.
"Grayson," she laughs, eating the cake from his chubby, little fingers. "Come here so mama can clean you up." I watch her as she picks up our son. He places his hands on her cheeks and smiles. The love in both of their eyes pushes me to the place I don't want to be.
We could be a family. We could have it all. The only problem is me. I can’t picture myself giving Camila everything, knowing I did so much to get her back. I stole nearly one year of our son’s life and still hold secrets that will make her see me as a monster. Her life went through hell and back because of me. The addiction I have for her is, in reality, hurting her. I need to be sober and forget how good she feels around me. I need to be the asshole she hates and forget about the love we share.
"Ayden," I turn at the sound of my mother’s voice. "Are you okay, honey?"
I nod, "Fine, mother." I turn and watch Camila clean up our son.
She doesn't need to know about everything I've done to keep her with me. The consequences of my lies and deception are painful and blocking me from my family, but I'd rather be miserable than hurt her. In life, we do things that don't make sense, but in many ways make all the sense in the world. Being here and celebrating our son's first birthday is more than I should dare to want.
Stepping away from the crowd, I walk down the hallway to his room. Inside, Camila's standing over our son, laughter filling the room, and playing with his toes.
"You're one year old today, baby." He coos, waving his arms in the air. "Yeah, such a big boy. Are you happy?"
I lean against the doorframe, watching the two most important people in the world to me. Both of them are in one room and so close to me, but in reality they're farther than I want them to be.
"Ayden."
"How did you know I was standing here?"
She shrugs, putting on Grayson's shorts. "I just do. I know when you're around. I can feel you staring at me." She turns around, looks into my eyes, and we stand before one another. "Do you believe in morals, Ayden?"
"In some ways, yes. Why do you ask?"
"How do you believe in morals when you don't have any?" I don't respond. "I get why you're here and why you're always coming around. I understand you don’t want to be with me. I’ve accepted that. But please be fair. When you look at me like you want to throw me against the wall and claim me as yours it hurts. I've asked you to let me in so we can be together. I need that. I've accepted that we won't be together, and I think it's a good idea that we both move on with our lives.”
“I know.” Stepping inside his room, I need to be close to her. Touching her bare shoulder, I feel her tremble under my touch. I wish she would let it go and forget about my past. “We can always have the relationship we did before.”
“Ayden,” she mutters, “we can’t. I want more.” She pauses and turns to face me. “Are you really letting me go?” I nod. “So this means…”
“You want to move on?” My voice turns cold and my grip grows stronger.
“I don’t have to answer that question. It’s my business. All you have to do is make sure our son is loved and safe. I appreciate the life you’re giving me—”
“I’m giving this life to our son.”
Her body shudders when I say our son. “Okay, whatever. I can’t do this anymore.”
“Do what? Have an adult conversation?”
“You know, I used to feel bad about the decisions I’ve made. I thought I was being horrible about pushing you out of my life and not fighting for us. We've tried everything, and I gave you so many chances to be honest with me. You're closed off, and the only reason you aren't rotting in prison is because of our son."
"Bullshit. You love the life I'm giving you, and you know deep down I wasn't responsible for the death of your parents."
"Oh, so the black Audi that is sitting in a hidden room of your garage, which matches the car from their accident, isn't the car?"
"I didn't say that."
"It makes perfect sense, Ayden. You hated my parents because they kept us apart. You wanted to make sure they paid for your misery. You caused the accident that killed them and fled the scene. How did you know they were going to be there?"
I don't respond and take the abuse because it's what she needs to understand her feelings for me. The more I talk back and defend myself, the more it pushes her away. I try to look away and focus on our son, but the way she's standing and the way her summer dress looks on her makes it impossible for me to concentrate.
"Since the party's almost over you can leave. I'll have Grayson ready for you tomorrow."
I nod and walk out of the room.
Sitting at the bar, I look down in my glass. The dark liquor stares at me. I've been sitting in the same chair, at the same bar, for a year. I'm not sure why I keep coming back or why I feel like I can’t find what I'm looking for.
"We need to talk." I look over and see Natalie sitting next to me. "Today's party went well. It's amazing how big he is."
"Yeah," I smile, taking a drink from my glass. "One year old. Still feels like yesterday that I held him in my arms and promised him the world."
"You’re giving him the world."
"Am I?" I question, finishing my drink and asking for another. "We're a broken family, Natalie. There's nothing I can do and nothing that can be done to make it whole. Grayson's happy with Camila. I've lost my son and the woman I love, and I have no idea what the fuck to do." A black hole looks back at me. Sometimes I wonder if it'll be best to up and leave so Camila can be happy. Sometimes I wonder why I'm here and why I didn't stay dead.
After a few drinks with Natalie, I have Thomas take me back to Camila’s house and demand answers. I need to fucking see her.
Cam
I DIDN’T EXPECT TO SEE AYDEN when I opened the door. His sunken eyes look at me as he walks in without an invitation and sits down on the couch.
“Ayden?”
“I tried fucking someone the other night, but before I did I looked at her and saw you. She sucked my dick and I fucked her pussy with my tongue. She didn’t taste good like you do.”
I shudder thinking about him and another woman. The tears well in my eyes and it takes so much of me to not scream at him. My racing heart is about to explode and even though I told Ayden we couldn’t be together until he told me the truth, him being with someone else hurts me. He has every right to be with someone, but I don’t need to know about that part of his life. I knew he used women and sometimes paid for sex. I had hoped he was done with the women. It makes me feel sick that I need him when all I want to do is throw him out of my house.
“Why are you here telling me this?”
“Would it matter?”
“Yes, it does. Do you plan on fucking other women?”
He shrugs. “I don’t see why not. I’m single, and when Grayson’s with you I can be with other women, but I came here for a reason and I’d like for you to hear me out.” I don’t respond. “I want us to have a sexual relationship again. You enjoyed it, and I did too. This is the only type of relationship I can manage, and I know you want this too.”
“You can’t be serious. Are you this heartless?”
“We’re good together, and I miss how your pussy feels. I miss the way you scream my name and dig your nails into my body. What do you
say? I know you miss me too.”
“But I love you, and I know you love me.”
“We need to stop saying we love each other.”
The urge to slap him surges through me. I can’t believe everything I’m hearing and everything he wants from me. This isn’t what I want and this isn’t how I thought we’d be. Ayden’s broken beyond repair. He sees me for one thing and that’s something I can’t have.
“Ayden, just leave. You aren’t the man I thought you were.”
“Fine,” he gets up and straightens his suit. “I’ll find another pussy to devour since yours is out of commission. I’m not surprised you’re being like this. You’re too emotional, and you need to realize things aren’t always roses and smiles. Shit happens. You can make yourself think fucking me was regretful or that we could have a future was possible. Newsflash Camila we’re both fucked up people who have no idea what we’re doing.”
Watching him walk out the door, I sink to the floor and grasp my chest. The Ayden I know is gone, and I don’t think he’s ever going to come back.
I wake up with a headache and sore eyes. I’ve been crying all night and wanting to kill Ayden for making me so miserable. Even though I am able to make my own decisions, I can’t imagine not being around him. It’s a sick pleasure, a game we’re playing, and it pisses me off that I let him win or have the final say. Needing to woman up, I grab my clothes and change before seeing if Grayson is awake. He’s been pretty quiet through the night, but hopefully he’ll be up for a walk in the park.
Making sure I have his diaper bag and some snacks, I dress him and buckle him in the car.
“Ready to go for a walk?” He smiles and gives me a high five.
It’s a nice autumn day, and Grayson seems happy to be outside. A few people pass us, smiling, and carrying on with their days. I see a couple with their two children and a dog resting underneath a tree, and it kills me to think I won’t have that. I’m foolish to think Ayden can form any sort of relationship without making it all about sex. It’s stupid to believe he’ll come back to me or that we’ll have our happily ever after. I know that it’s going to take time if it happens, but how much more can I take?
Finding a quiet and secluded place, I stop and take Grayson out of his stroller. Lying down on a blanket I brought, I hold him above my head and bring him down to kiss his chubby cheeks.
“What do you think, baby, should mama stay single for the rest of her life and pray daddy will open his eyes?”
“Daddy did open his eyes. He’s too stupid to let someone in because he’s scared.”
Ayden sits down next to us and takes my hand. Neither of us say anything, and it’s nice that he found us here. How? Well, it’s Ayden.
“Do you know that Disney movie Aladdin? How the rich princess falls in love with the poor peasant boy, and then the poor peasant boy finds a genie and everything seems right?”
“Yeah.”
“You’re the princess, Camila. You deserve everything happy and beautiful in this world. You’re raising our son, and you’re a blessing, while I’m the poor boy wishing he had one more wish to make you understand.”
Sitting up with Grayson in my arms I place a light kiss on his lips. Resting my head on his shoulder I push aside his abusive words and remember my poor broken boy who wants to be understood and loved.
“I’m not asking you to understand my reasons for keeping you in the dark. I’m asking you to be patient with me so I can give you forever.” For the first time since finding Ayden, I understand what he’s asking of me. The choices we make in life pave the way for our futures. If I choose not to give him a chance, my forever with him won’t happen. If I chose to give him time and not push him, the chance of forever is richer and greater.
“What’s on your mind?”
“I guess,” I bite my lower lip and pause. “I guess what I want to know is, are you okay now? The demons of your past…”
“Dead,” he answers, “but that’s something I don’t want you to worry about. You and Grayson are safe.”
I like knowing there’s nothing we have to worry about. “How do you know for sure?”
“Because I took care of the problem.”
Ayden Park
Ten years ago
BEING HERE IN MARCO’S HOME is giving me anxiety. He’s not the brother I remember. Now he’s a gang member and a drug smuggler. Using me as his newest bitch, I fly in from California with drugs smuggled in my bag. I have no idea how the hell I made it through airport security from California, but I’m going to be home free as soon as I land.
Careful to not make contact with anyone, the flight attendant announces we’ll be landing soon. I let out a breath I’ve been holding and pray this will work.
When the plane finally lands and we’re siphoned through the terminal, I look around recognizing my surroundings and walk through the doors and outside where Hank’s waiting. When my hand touches the dark door latch to the SUV, I rush inside and close the door. Hank takes off, and I fucking feel like I’m going to throw up.
“You good, kid?” I nod, not knowing how to answer. I’m not a hardass like Marco even though he’s training me to be one. He’s been testing me and training me since I came to his house. Every day is a new challenge, and every day I get my ass beat by Hank or Will. Downstairs in his basement is where the “magic” happens. He’s got people working for him everywhere, and his dad has no idea. No one does.
I know he’s screwed a lot of people, and I’m fucking scared out of my mind to get back to his house. I don’t want to be tied up with him, but I have nowhere else to go. Marco doesn’t pay me since I live in his house, and he gives me what I need. In his eyes I don’t need money unless I’m planning on screwing with him. That’s another thing about Marco – he’s paranoid and thinks people are out to get him.
Hank pulls in and we both get out. When we walk inside we’re greeted by Marco, Will, and someone else I don’t know. He looks familiar, but I can’t put my finger on it. The trip to California is a blur. I don’t remember much. I had a mission to complete and I did. I made the mistake of not remembering my surroundings and who I was dealing with. Marco’s taught me to stay on my toes and never trust anyone. The constant abuse and fights leave me ruthless, but still scared out of my mind.
I have a gun and a knife for protection, and I’ve used them.
Hank leaves the room and Marco studies me before waving me to his office with the other two men. We sit down at the table and I pull out the millions of dollars’ worth of drugs.
“I told you he’d pull through. Here, Javier. Now my money?”
Javier, the man with the drugs before him, takes a look at Marco, the drugs, and me. “How can I trust you?”
“I’ve done nothing to make you question my trust.”
“So,” he pats a kilo of cocaine, “you’re telling me you got this through security and on a flight without anyone questioning you.”
“I don’t look like a thug, and I know how to behave. I’m not a threat to security so they didn’t question me.”
“I see,” Javier looks at Marco. “Kid has potential.” Reaching down for his briefcase, I notice a beeping monitor. Looking over at Marco I try to tell him something’s not right.
That’s when everything came crashing down.
“Here,” she handed me a brown paper bag, “Ms Gloria says you’ll like this.”
“Thank you, Camila.”
She laughed and it was a laugh I’d grown to really love. How the most popular and prettiest girl is my best friend I didn’t have a clue.
“So my parents are still out of town. Mama said she’s having fun in Tennessee with daddy. Have you heard their new song, Life With You?”
“No, but I’d like to. I like the title.”
She sighed, “me too. The chorus is pretty. It’s pretty much like us.”
“Really?”
“Yep, yep. She sings about loving this boy, and she watches him grow into a man and waits for h
im to make a move. Their life together is sweet, and he’s always there for her. She waits for him and at the end of the song, he proposes and their lives are joined together as one.”
“And you want me to propose?”
“One day, Ayden,” she smiled and kissed my cheek. “I’ll see you later.”
I touched my cheek and made note that my love for Camila was true. One day, I will ask her to be my wife.
Shots are being fired. Marco’s bloodied body stares at me; people are dying left and right. I try to move, but the gunshot wound to my stomach is making it hard.
Using all the strength I have, I grab a railing and pull myself up, only to be knocked down. The blackness takes over.
Slowly coming to, I feel the ache in my arms rushing down my entire body. The pain screams at me. Opening my eyes I realize I’m hanging from a ceiling and my body is in so much pain it feels like it’s on fire. There’s no one else in the room, and I try my hardest to get the fuck out. Before I could come up with a plan the door opens and in walks three men.
“So, you’re Marco’s brother.” I don’t respond. “You know, he owes me a lot of fucking money. Bastard was broke, so you’ll be working for me to work off his debt.” I still don’t respond. “We found these pictures in your bag.” My eyes go wide, and I fight the rope to get down.
“She’s a pretty girl, boss. Want us to find her and grab her?”
“Yeah, isn’t she a student at that smart school? I see her all the time with her friends. Sexy fucking piece of ass. She can make you money real quick.”
The disgusting remarks from these bastards cause me to tear myself down from the ceiling. Using the remaining strength I have, I grab one of the guys and twist his neck, watching him fall to the ground. The wound in my stomach opens, but I don’t give a shit. No one will fucking hurt Camila.
No one.
It’s been a year since the accident and a year since I turned my life around. I’m in a good place with a good family. Even though I’m over eighteen and don’t deserve to be raised by three amazing women, I am. My life is better and I wake up to new reason, new hope.
