by S. Moose
At first it was hard. I woke up in a bed with them staring at me. I thought I was in heaven and I’d have to wait years for Camila. But Michelle, my now mother, found me with my two sisters, Taylor and Natalie. They brought me back to life and showed me compassion. Michelle reminds me of my foster mother, Deb. I miss her and hope she’s in Heaven with Rayana and Alan. He’ll never be Marco to me. Not ever again.
The wounds are still there, and I have nightmares about that night. I know I was lucky, and I don’t ever want to put myself in that position again. I told Michelle everything, but she said I’d be okay. No one will ever come and touch me.
I believe her.
After earning my GED, I applied to a few colleges in Rochester and Syracuse. The day my acceptance letter to Syracuse came, I knew I had to take it since I was waitlisted for my first-choice school. I knew it was a sign, and I knew it wasn’t meant to be.
Packing up my things I look around my room and remember all the nights I’d stay up with my sisters and tell them about Camila.
Now, she’s so close to me but so far.
Walking around RIT I see her with Bev. She looks happy and safe. I touch the scar on my stomach and refuse to think about that night. Their screams fill my head and I do everything I can to block them out. I’m leaving for college soon, away from Rochester. I need space so I can think and rebuild my life.
Ayden Sharp.
I look at the name and say it over and over. Without the love from my mother and two sisters and remembering how much I love Camila, I wouldn’t be here.
“Soon,” I mutter.
Cam
LOOKING AT MYSELF in the mirror, I want to change back into my yoga pants and spend the night with a bottle of wine and my Kindle. Who am I kidding? Speed dating didn’t work, and I haven’t met anyone. I really am going to become the crazy cat lady one day.
On nights that Ayden has Grayson I don’t know what to do with myself. I’ve tried picking up a hobby and joining a reading group. Nothing’s been working. Luckily it’s only a few times a week. Ayden’s giving me more time to spend with Grayson, and I love it. We go for walks and when I put him to bed, I watch his little chest rise and fall. It’s the best feeling. Sometimes Ayden will stay a while and for a split second I feel like we’re a family, a family I’ve been waiting to have since the day I met Ayden.
I’m giving him the space he wants, and I’m being patient. Part of me wants to talk to him about the Audi he’s hiding and to tell him I know.
When I saw the car, initially I was upset and couldn’t believe what was before my eyes. Only I knew the truth. Looking through the reports and contacting the eyewitness and cop working my parent’s case, I knew it wasn’t Ayden who had driven the car. I don’t know who he’s protecting, and in so many ways I don’t want to know. The thing about Ayden is he doesn’t protect someone he doesn’t love. I have a feeling I know who it is, and I know it was an accident. Until the day Ayden tells me the truth, it’ll stay with me.
Checking out the time on my clock, my eyes find my cell phone. I wonder what my boys are doing. Part of me wants to call Bev and cancel tonight. The other part of me wants to go out and have fun. I want to feel like an adult and have an adult drink. I want to stumble into the house and take ridiculous selfies with my best friend. Applying more gloss on my lips, I hear my phone vibrate on the nightstand.
Ayden: Are you going out tonight?
Me: Yes. How do you know?
Ayden: Dylan told me. He’s coming over tonight with Gretchen. He thinks I need a guy’s night.
Me: You do, Ayden. It’s okay to have some bromance.
Ayden: Camila, I don’t need bromance. What I need is you to be here with me. Come over later tonight.
Biting my lip I close my eyes and remember the last time we were together. I remember the way his lips touched mine and kissed my neck, finding my awaiting nipple, playing with and biting my breasts. The feel of his fingers playing with my clit and the way he flipped me on all fours, taking me from behind. I miss the feel of his huge cock inside me and the way he can make me moan, screaming his name.
And I’m back to reality.
Me: I can’t, and you know that
Ayden: I think you need to feel my anaconda, then you won’t be so moody. It’s one night. Seriously, come over
Me: Not tonight. Plus, I didn’t say I missed your anaconda, and friends don’t have sex
Ayden: Says who?
Me: Cosmo
I laugh when I send him the response. My heart aches for him and my body yearns to share a bed with him again, but I can’t bring myself to that level of comfort and trust with him. As pissed as I am and as hurt as I am, I understand. The need for him to keep us safe is important to him. I like knowing I can irritate him, and it won’t lead to an argument.
Ayden: Life is all about choices, Camila. You are choosing not to fuck me and I am choosing to make you want me.
And now I realize why going out is needed. So needed. Taking one last look at myself in the mirror, I grab my purse and head downstairs. Pouring a glass of wine, I settle on the couch and play Candy Crush on my phone.
There’s a photo of the three of us on the end table. It was taken for Grayson’s first birthday, and I love how the three of us look. The look of love in Ayden’s eyes for his family is radiant, and there’s no denying how he feels. I swallow heavily and place my hand on my heart.
The door opens and in comes my best friend. “Hi!” I yell shaking myself from my reverie before she yanks me up from the couch.
“God, let’s go! I need a drink or a million now.”
I take one more gulp of my wine and head out with Bev. The cab takes us to our first stop, Next Door Bar and Grill.
We’re seated and quickly turn the menus to the alcohol selection. After ordering two extra-dirty martinis and quickly being served I bring the delicious drink to my lips and slowly savor this wicked drink.
“So, are you going to tell me what’s going on, or do I have to wait and ride the Ayden and Cam emotional fucking roller coaster?” Bev asks me. She gives me a look and continues to sip her martini. I follow suit. “I mean the both of you are so fucked up. I get it, babe, I really do, but do you think he’s that heartless to cause the accident that killed your parents?”
“Honestly,” I respond, and bring the rim of the glass to my lips. “Deep down I know he didn’t, but it’s more than just that. I can’t handle all the secrets. I don’t know anymore. He’s pulled away from me, but at the same time he’s been really supportive so I can build a relationship with Grayson. I don’t think he did it, but I think he’s hiding a lot more of the truth and I can’t be with him, Bev. I need to know what’s going on in his head and I need him to let me in. The secrets he’s hiding are making me uneasy. I don’t know what to expect anymore.”
“That’s the thing about Ayden, you know that. He’s a protector and will always put the people he loves first.”
“Can we not talk about this?” I hate thinking about Ayden and remembering why we aren’t together. He was my best friend since I was twelve years old, then I lost him when I was eighteen. Now I have him back, but he’s not mine to keep. He’s a lost soul and I can’t drift into the shadows with him. I have to do the right thing and move on with my life with Grayson. I’ll always have Ayden with me, but romantically it can’t happen. I deserve someone who wants me to know his dark secrets and who’ll let me in. I don’t expect him to let me in right at once, but over time would be nice.
“Don’t look now,” Bev tells me with wide eyes, “but Mr. Hot-and-Sexy is coming this way, and I know he’s not looking at me. Girl, he has sex in his eyes, and those eyes are for you. Excuse me while I go orgasm in the bathroom.”
“Bev!” I hiss. It’s too late. I feel a strong hand on my shoulder and feel chills running through my body. Turning my head, I look up, and see the most beautiful green eyes. His eyes penetrate me and the heat inside me rages. “Hi,” I seductively say, but the words come o
ut raspy and dry.
“Hi,” he says, sitting down next to me, eyeing my drink. He waves for our server. “Another drink for this beautiful woman and a shot of tequila on the rocks.”
“Right away.”
Mr. Hot-and-Sexy looks at me and smiles. Even his teeth are perfectly white and shiny. Honestly, you can tell a lot by a man’s hygiene. Good teeth means he cares about how he looks, which means he cares about what people think about him. He’s a man of power.
Like Ayden.
“I’m Eric. What’s your name?”
“Cam,” I answer, brushing my hair out of my face. Smiling back at him, I wonder how this is going to work. I don’t know the rules of flirting, and I really want to flirt with him. “So Eric, what brings you here tonight?” I lean in to really get a look at him when, of course, I push my martini glass off the table and onto his lap. Kill me now, please.
“Oh no!” I grab the napkins on the table and wipe his… well, crotch area, and all I want to do is die. Hearing him laugh isn’t helping the situation. Looking up, I take in his clothes and realize he’s Mr. GQ. His clothes, although basic, are fitted to his body, his sleeves slightly rolled up showing his strong forearms.
Dead. I’m dead.
“It’s okay, Cam,” he says again, taking my hand in his. “Really, it’s okay.”
“I’m sorry,” I mutter, wanting to kill Bev for leaving me alone.
We spend the next hour talking and getting to know each other. He’s single and lives in Pittsford. When I ask him more about himself, he stops me and wants to know about me. I like talking to Eric and apparently we’re getting breakfast tomorrow morning. This will be good.
Waking up a little fresh this morning, I hop in the shower and think about what I’m going to wear. I’m not sure if this is a date or not. We met last night, and we said he’s been craving crêpes and wanted me to join him. That’s a date, right?
Why do I feel like a teenager again?
I walk into my closet and thumb through my clothes. Wanting to keep it casual, I pull out a pair of black jeggings and a white flowy blouse. Putting on my wedges I look in the mirror and apply some makeup. When I notice the time, I send a text to Eric and let him know I’m on my way.
When I get to Simply Crêpes, he’s already seated with coffee waiting for me. Bless this man. We put in our orders and the conversation is light and fun.
“So have you thought about going back to work?”
I take a sip of my coffee and bob my head in response. “I would love to. Being in the corporate world was fun, and I liked being in control, but my son’s father won’t let that happen, so I’m a stay-at-home mom. It’s okay though. I’ve lost so much time with my son and now this is the time to make it up and spend time with him. He’s amazing.”
“You said his name’s Grayson, right?” Puzzled, I look at him; I don’t remember telling him his name. “You told me last night. I didn’t think you’d remember since you kept talking and talking.”
“Are you saying I talk a lot?” We both laugh and it feels good to be with someone who wants to listen to me talk without having to worry. For once I feel like myself again.
This get together with Eric is nothing I thought it would be. We haven’t had a silent moment, and it’s nice getting to know him.
“When my wife passed away, I thought it would be good to take over her business. She was like you and had a business mind. She was great with numbers, and I was the one good with words and analyzing data on the computer. I’m a computer software developer and she handled failing businesses, giving them what they needed and profited from a percent of their earnings. It was a great concept, but I have no idea how to help a failing business. Do you think you can take a look at some proposals?”
I think about it for a few minutes. It should be easy since I don’t have to do too much and he sounds like someone who needs help. I can do it from home with Grayson and not worry about Ayden freaking out.
“Yeah, that sounds good. Email me the information.” I take out a piece of paper and write down my email address. “This should be fun.”
“You’re right, it should,” he smiles. “Thank you so much for meeting me today. It’s been a while since I’ve had a nice day. When she died, I didn’t know where to turn. I’m glad I have a friend like you.”
“Me too,” I brightly smile.
He reaches over and rests his hand on mine, “I’m hoping that I can see you again.”
“We’ll be working together, so you can see me then.”
He shakes his head and grins. “Not like that. I want to take you out and get to know you on a personal level.” Reaching over, he pushes a strand of hair from my eyes. “Would that be okay?”
“Yes,” I barely let out. “Yes, I think that’ll be fine.” I have no idea what’s going on or what I’m agreeing to, but inside I’m freaking out and I hope it’s not showing on my face.
“I’m glad you like that idea.
Cam
AYDEN’S OUT OF TOWN for the next few days. I have time to myself with Grayson, and we’ve been spending our days at the gym pool and going to the library. He loves listening to stories and being around other kids. We’ve been spending time with Bev, Dylan, and Gretchen too. It’s nice to catch up with my best friends and seeing how cute Grayson and Gretchen are.
We’re home today, and honestly it’s needed. During Grayson’s nap, I take out my Kindle and read a book that has my heart beating out of my chest. My phone vibrates, and I smile when I see who the text is from.
Eric: Hey beautiful. What do you have planned for today?
Me: Ayden’s out of town for work, so I have Grayson. He’s napping now, and I’m reading. Laying low today.
Eric: What if I swing by with sushi?
Me: Oooo, that sounds good! Grayson’s napping now so if you want to stop by you can.
Eric: Sounds good. I’ll be there soon
This thing between Eric and me is confusing. We’ve been on a few day dates and he hasn’t tried to kiss me or make any moves. He holds my hand and tells me how beautiful I am. He likes to listen to stories about Grayson and talks about wanting a family.
When I ask about his wife, he shuts down so I stop asking him. I know what it’s like when you’ve had your world fall apart. It’s hard picking up the pieces. There’s no set amount of time that will make the hurt completely go away. It gets easier and manageable, but not feeling is impossible.
Peeking into Grayson’s room, I see he’s still sleeping. I love how he sleeps through the day and night. He’s the best baby.
While I’m straightening things in the kitchen and putting away dishes, the doorbell rings. Knowing it’s Eric, I open the door and welcome him in.
“What a great place,” he tells me. I give him a tour of the downstairs, and he looks at gallery of pictures I have on the wall. “These pictures of Grayson are great. You have a wonderful photographer.”
“Thank you. He’s a great friend of mine. When he’s in town, he usually stops by for lunch. He loves shooting Grayson and says he’s the best client he has.” I watch him carefully look at each picture. “This is our favorite. Golden captured this moment so beautifully.” We were wrapping up Grayson’s shoot when he crawled on the grass towards Ayden and me. Picking him up, Ayden tossed him in the air. Golden quickly took the picture while Grayson was laughing. His hands are under his chin, eyes wide, mouth open in a stunning grin.
“Why don’t we eat?” Eric pulls out the food, and I grab plates for each of us.
“This looks great,” I tell him, picking out the pieces of sushi I want. “You picked all my favorites.”
“I’m glad.”
A few minutes pass and neither of us has said anything. I wrack my brain for something to talk about but nothing comes to mind. Finishing up my plate, I hear Grayson’s voice through the baby monitor.
“Looks like someone’s up.” I rush out of the kitchen and into his room. “Well, hello there.” Picking him up, I ho
ld him to my chest and sit on the rocking chair. “Did you sleep well, Grayson?” He coos and plays with his fingers.
“He’s beautiful,” I look up and see Eric by the door, “absolutely beautiful.”
“Thank you,” I smile, “he’s such a good baby.”
“He seems like it.”
I head out of the room and back to the living room. Turning on the TV, Grayson lies on my lap on the couch and Eric cleans the kitchen.
“Eric, don’t worry about it. I can do it later.”
“I don’t mind. Trust me,” he says, starting the dishwasher. I watch him wipe the counter; it’s nice to have someone here with me.
Nighttime comes, and Eric is sitting on the couch with us. Grayson yawns, and I excuse myself to put him to bed.
“Good night and sweet dreams, Grayson. Mama loves you.” I kiss his forehead and stand over him for a few minutes as he closes his eyes and falls into a deep sleep.
I close the door softly behind me and head back downstairs to see Eric on the couch flipping through the channels.
“Thank you again for staying with me.”
“I like spending time with you.”
“I like that too.” Smiling I turn back to the TV, and we agree on watching Ted.
Stretching my arms over my head I look at the time. It’s nearly three in the morning. Looking around the dark room I don’t see Eric. The baby monitor has been turned off judging from the lack of the ubiquitous green light. Rushing upstairs, I find Grayson in his crib, still sleeping and tucked away.
I make it back downstairs as Eric comes out of the bathroom. “Hey.”
“Hey,” he says back. “You looked so tired. I hope it was okay that I turned off the monitor. He didn’t wake up once either.”
It’s weird that Eric did this. Not wanting to sound like a freak I thanked him.
“Thanks, I try. I should get going.” He leans in and gently kisses my lips. “I had fun tonight.”
