Hers h-1

by Dawn Robertson

  “You’ll never get your shit together long enough to love anyone but yourself,” my father adds. Way to add insult to injury.

  Without missing a beat, Daniel’s voice slams through my ears.

  “You are nothing more than a good fuck, and a warm body.” He should have just carved my heart right out of my chest at that moment. “Seven, you aren’t a forever kind of girl.”

  No, I am not built for forever. I am not the kind of girl you bring home to your parents. That had been drilled into my head repeatedly over the years. A good fuck, a warm body. But never a forever. My labored breaths turn into gasps for air, my shaking out of control as I sob uncontrollably on my kitchen floor. I am destined to be alone. Forever. That is the only forever I will get.

  I lie on the floor for hours. Well, it seems like hours, but my panic attack lasts for only a few minutes. With my legs no longer feeling like Jell-O, I stand and make my way to the medicine cabinet in the bathroom, where I dig out a bottle of Xanax. I’ll sleep tonight, but not because I’m comfortable in the arms of the only man I’ve ever truly loved. It will be because I’m too sedated to actually think about my fucked up life.

  Ring ring, ring ring, ring ring, ring ring.

  Stop fucking ringing already. Jesus fucking Christ. I don’t want to be bothered. My cell phone continues ringing and vibrating until I can’t take the racket anymore. Reaching over to the nightstand, I see Star’s photo flashing on the display.

  “Hello?” My voice is sedated, full of misery. It will be a miracle if she doesn’t pick up on it.

  “Seven? Are you okay?” Star whispers into the other end of the line.

  I grunt, apparently now speaking caveman. “Yeah, I’m okay. How are you?” I try to turn this around on her. She has been gone for a while. Longer than I’ve ever spent away from her, except for college.

  “I think I found the people who adopted her.” I can hear her sniffle in the background; she’s crying. “They died, years ago. There’s no sign of Willow.”

  Fuck. Just what I needed on top of this whole fucked up situation. How can I even offer her kind words of comfort when I’m hurting just as bad? “It’s okay, Star. I promise you, we will find her.”

  Her sobs grow quiet. “I hope so,” she squeaks out.

  “Keep in touch, Star. I gotta go back to bed.”

  I end the phone call. I can’t listen to her tears without my own coming back. I want to be numb. Numb is exactly what I’m good at, although I wish I was better. I drift back off to sleep, only to be rudely awakened early by my fucking alarm screaming in my head as it pounds. Another day of work. Worst of all, I am going to have to deal with Levi and Daniel. Something I could honestly live without.

  Two entire weeks have gone by. Two fucking weeks and I have done my best to ignore Levi. He has given me the space I need. He hasn’t pressured me, only left sweet reminders of why I fell for him in the first place. Starting the morning after I asked him to leave.

  I walked into my brightly lit office, and sitting in the center of my desk was a bright bouquet of colorful flowers. I smiled, even though I didn’t want to. He was going to make this hard. Tossing my bag onto my chair, I snatched up the card attached to the flowers.

  Seven,

  “She’ll lie and steal and cheat. And beg you from her knees. Make you think she means it this time. She’ll tear a hole in you, the one you can’t repair. But I still love her, I don’t really care. Don’t leave me, Love. I don’t think I can survive without you now.

  -Levi

  A mixture of love and anger crashed over me. I picked the flowers up from my desk, chucking them across the room. Picking up the note from my desk, where it fell, I headed for Levi’s office. I slammed the door open, and he sat behind his desk, just watching me.

  I threw the card in his direction. “You can’t do this to me. Please. Just let me go.” I yelled; people looked and listened. He stood up and strode across the office, slamming the door behind me.

  “Seven. I will not let you go.” His body pressed me up against the door, his hard cock pressing against my stomach. I tried to push him off of me, but he was just too strong, and I was too exhausted from my lonely night. Drugged or not, I didn’t sleep worth shit and I knew why. Because Levi wasn’t in my bed.

  I opened my mouth to speak and his lips crashed against mine. I tried to protest, but my body was such a fucking traitor. I gave in and kissed him back with everything I had. His fingers pushed my skirt farther up my legs, and I could feel him pushing my thong to the side. I moaned into his mouth as his tongue explored every corner of my mouth. He tasted like fresh toothpaste and mouthwash. Deliciously minty. Fuck!

  As I pulled my mouth away to protest, I felt his thick cock press against my wet pussy. Before I could even object, he pushed in hard. “Fuck!” I breathed out, wrapping my legs around his waist. My body was on autopilot, and I was completely helpless when it came to anything that had to do with him. His length rubbed against my clit as he pushed into me roughly.

  “Seven. I can’t live without this,” he whispered into my ear. I tried to block out everything going on and just feel his dick inside me. Deeper than I think he has ever been.

  My orgasm crashed over me, as his hand pressed against my mouth, muffling the screams. His come flooded into me a moment later. His grip loosened, and my legs slid back down to the floor, barely holding me up. Pants somewhere around his ankles, he turned to walk away from me, completely ignoring everything that had just happened between us. I pushed my skirt down and turned for the door. I felt used, which was a first. In all the years of my meaningless sex, I had never once felt used.

  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him pulling his pants up, and I ran out the door, stalking toward the safety of my office as fast as I could. Once I was inside, I slammed the door closed and prayed no one noticed what had just happened. Fucking office gossip. I needed a damn vacation.

  I make it through the rest of that day trying not to think about Levi. Which is hard because work has started to slow down. Soon enough, I won’t be in the office at Alexander Mobile daily, and I can retreat back to my old building, far from Levi and Daniel’s fucking nosy ass.

  It would be really fucking nice if Star was home right now. I can’t help but miss her. I’ve been lying through my teeth every time she calls. I won’t let her know Levi and I are over, because she’ll turn her ass around and high tail it right back to the city. She needs to be looking for her little girl. There will never be any peace in her life until she finds Willow. My heart breaks for her, repeatedly. The idea of becoming a mother has never been something I was fond of. Even under the shitty circumstances, though, Star brought that little girl into the world, and I find myself jealous. She has the opportunity to have someone who will love and want her for the rest of her life.

  Had she been given the chance, she would have never let that little girl go. I know that for a damn fact. The situation makes me hate my family even more, and hers to boot.

  Realizing I’ve been lost in my head for damn near an hour, I make my way home for the day. My evening will be identical to what it’s been since the night I asked Levi to leave.

  Shitty takeout food, longing for something homemade by Levi. A long bubble bath, praying he will appear in the tub with me. Followed by a sleepless night, tossing and turning with nightmares about the past, and the future. Will I ever be at peace again?

  CHAPTER 12

  Three Days Later

  The week sucked, and the weekend got even worse. The food poisoning I got Friday night lasted all weekend long. At least, I think it’s food poisoning, but it certainly seems like the fucking plague. Every time my head hits the plush pillows on my bed, my stomach rolls, the room starts spinning, and I launch myself in the direction of the bathroom. A handful of times I didn’t even make it to the fucking toilet. Leaving me to clean up vomit, splattered all over the marble. Just what I wanted to do when I was nauseous.

  Sleep has been virtually non-existe
nt, except for when I finally pass out. My body can’t take any more of the dry heaves, and it simply shuts down. I’m grateful for that, until the nightmares start. It’s a vicious cycle. I jolt awake only to be greeted by whatever is left in my stomach making an escape. Just when I think I am going to die, alone in my apartment from tainted Thai food, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

  Sunday afternoon, I wake from one of my stretches of sleep, induced by being absolutely exhausted, and finally start to feel human again. I have something to be happy about for the first time in weeks, getting the fuck out of bed without hurling. I take a nice long shower and brush my teeth, and I feel like a million bucks. Until I think about Levi.

  Being so fucking sick, I haven’t had time to think about the shitty situation I’ve found myself in with Levi. I haven’t been able to think about how much I miss him, or how much I wish he was here, in my penthouse with me, holding my hair back as I yack. It’s not a perfect happily ever after, but it’s something I want, with him. I want a life with Levi.

  Against my better judgment, I text him. I miss him. I want him. I’ve been fucking stupid to think I could walk away from the only person who ever truly wanted me.

  Hey.

  It’s not much, but for the first time since I sent him packing, it’s me contacting him. My phone quickly vibrates, indicating his reply. Was he sitting on top of the phone waiting for me?

  Hey?

  Don’t sound so happy to hear from me. God. Maybe it’s too late.

  What’s new?

  Apparently, I am turning into an awkward high school girl. Soon I’ll be using LOL and giggling too. Yup, I have officially lost it. I am beyond desperate.

  Missing you. What’s new with you?

  Relief floods through my body. He misses me. I miss him. Shouldn’t this be a lot easier, and far less nerve-wracking than it is?

  I miss you too. Come over?

  Will I live to regret those words? Probably, but the only thing I need at this moment is Levi. Inside me, holding me, kissing me. I need everything about him. I’ve needed him all weekend long, as I laid on the cold tile in my bathroom re-enacting The Exorcist the best I could. Linda Blair would have fucking been impressed, that is for sure.

  You sure?

  Am I sure? No. But I have never really been sure about anything in my life. Even when I think I’m sure, I end up making a shitty decision that sends my life into a mother fucking tailspin. My own judgment should never be trusted when it comes to my personal life.

  I can make business decisions like a boss. My personal life? Not so much.

  Yes. I miss you. I need you.

  I shouldn’t have admitted that last part, but I guess this will be the first step toward admitting I never really needed space to begin with. I’ve been stupid all along.

  Be there shortly.

  My heart flutters at the thought of him. This whole emotional roller-coaster called love has really fucked me all up. Do I really love him? Could I walk away so easily if I did? My mind is a giant cluster-fuck of feelings and thoughts that I would have never expected in a fucking million years.

  I pick up my phone to text him one last time before he arrives.

  Can’t wait.

  It is the God’s honest truth. I can’t wait to see him. We have skirted around each other every chance that we’ve had, after the morning I threw the vase of flowers across his office and he fucked me against the door. If this is love, it’s fucked up. But with me, fucked up seems to be the only kind of way I roll through life.

  The elevator doors open as I walk out of the kitchen with a glass of ginger ale in my hands. I still look like I’ve been hit by a fucking truck. My hair is thrown up in a messy knot on the top of my head, my nail polish is chipped, and I’ve been picking at it for days. I have on a pair of giant grey sweatpants I could fit a family of five inside, and my black I Love Haters t-shirt hugs my braless tits. There’s nothing beautiful about the dark circles around my eyes, either.

  I look up, and our eyes meet across the foyer. Levi starts heading toward me; he looks perfect. His hair is gelled back, and he wears a snug fitting pair of jeans and a white button down shirt, with the sleeves rolled up. Casual, but so fucking sexy. His face quickly changes from ecstatic to see me to concerned as he walks closer.

  “Seven, what the fuck is wrong?” His arms wrap around my aching body, his fingers caress the side of my face, and I can see the look of genuine worry in his eyes. He cares. As much as I’ve wanted to tell myself that this isn’t meant to be, that he doesn’t really want me, he cares a whole hell of a lot.

  “Got food poisoning. But I’m feeling better.”

  He lets out a sigh and pulls me up into his arms. “You should have texted me sooner; I should have been here taking care of you all weekend.” Holding me tight in his arms, he brings me to my bedroom, where he lays me down on the bed, so damn gently. He doesn’t want to break me, and the consideration is downright adorable. I can’t help but swoon over this man; he is damn near perfect.

  “How are you feeling now?” He runs his finger along the outline of my face.

  “Eh, somewhat human, I guess.”

  He moves closer, lying next to me, never taking his gorgeous eyes off of me. “What do you want to do?” he asks me, and all I want to do is have him hold me all night. Make love to me. Come home to my body, and never leave my side again, no matter how much I demand it.

  “I’m sorry, Levi. I should have never let you walk out that door. I’m just… I’m fucked up.” I want to open up; I want to explain everything to him, but I just don’t even know where to start. I tried to cover it in London, but I knew in the back of my mind that I’d left so much out. That landed me right here, smack dab in the middle of the mess that I created, yet again.

  My story is so fucking long, and downright crazy. “No one has ever wanted me. Not my parents. Not my brother. Not the one person I ever found myself in a relationship with. No one but Star, and even that is questionable.” We have to be honest here. Friendship or not, she has been a shitty friend on occasion.

  “It’s how I try to protect myself from getting hurt. Pushing the people who care away. To me? This was all too good to be true. I never thought I would want the whole happily ever after, but then you came along and screwed my whole head up.” I can’t help but laugh at the conversation I find myself in. “Levi, my feelings for you scared me so much I needed to get away. I couldn’t breathe. My whole world is upside down.”

  He watches me attentively, carefully taking in each word I say. He listens, and listens until there’s nothing left for me to say. By this point, I should feel a panic attack brewing. Instead, a wave of nausea hits me again.

  I jump from the bed, scrambling for the bathroom and kicking the door closed on my way. Up comes the small glass of ginger ale I thought I’d be able to keep down. Fuck! Maybe this is the flu, because if it’s dinner two nights ago causing this bullshit, I am going to own that fucking Thai place.

  A soft knock sounds from the door. The knob turns and Levi stands there, watching me with pity in his eyes. He looks as helpless as I feel. “You okay?” he asks.

  I want to throw him one of my typical witty comebacks about being just fucking dandy, but I can’t open my mouth. I know if I try to speak, another round of gagging is going to commence.

  I nod in his direction. He opens the cabinet on the far side of the bathroom and wets a washcloth. He brings it over and gently places it on the back of my neck, before he starts rubbing my back. I am the luckiest girl on Earth. I swear.

  I grab the washcloth and wipe my face and mouth, before tossing it to the side. I stand on shaky feet, and head for the sink to scrub the vomit from my mouth for the gazillionth time this weekend. In the bedroom, I hear the alarm sounding on my phone, screeching through the quiet of my penthouse.

  “What the hell is that?” Levi listens, and follows the noise until he finds my iPhone laying on the floor next to my bed. He holds it up, reading the
screen. “Birth control alarm?” He smirks, but panic starts coursing through my veins.

  Holy fucking shit. It can’t fucking be. There is no fucking way. Please God! Fucking no!

  I start to mentally count back to the last period I had. Two, three, four, five… Oh shit. No. This isn’t fucking good at all. London. Time change. Same fucking alarm time. Pills at the wrong time. Not the same time every damn day like I have religiously managed for as long as I can remember. I fucked up so fucking bad.

  It’s like my worst nightmare coming true. Just days ago, I was thinking about how lucky Star is, always having someone who will love her, and want her, and now I find myself in the same fucking position. All I want to do is run to the closest abortion clinic I can find.

  There is no fucking way in the world I can tell Levi. By the look on his face, I don’t need to tell him; he already knows. My face shows the sheer panic; looking up in the mirror, I’m pale as hell.

  “Seven, are you okay?”

  My eyes grow wide with panic. I can’t look him in the eye. He walks across the room, handing me my phone. His arms wrap around me, and he holds me tight. I bury my face into his chest and start crying. Not crying because I’m angry, or upset. I’m crying because I have no idea what I am going to do.

  “It’s okay, Seven,” he whispers into my ear while he rubs my back. “It is okay. I am not going anywhere.”

  “London. It happened in London, Levi. The time change screwed my pills up. I took them at the wrong time. I fucked up.” I get the words out in between my sobs. “I am so sorry.”

  Two hours and a box of pregnancy tests later, it’s confirmed. I’m pregnant. Levi knocked me up and I have no idea what the fuck I am going to do. My initial thought is to book an appointment at the local abortion clinic, and make sure this never happens again. Ever. I might as well book an appointment to have my tubes tied as well.