“I know. This year my life has changed in so many crazy ways I can hardly make sense of it all.”
“But all good changes,” she said, squeezing her friend’s hand.
“Yeah, mostly pretty good, indeed.”
“Well, I guess that gives me hope that this time next year my life will look different, too.” She sighed.
“I know this has been a tough one, but I just know great things are around the corner for you.”
“I sure hope you’re right.”
“You’re moving into town, that’s a big change and that’s exciting. You’re already making changes. And you went away with Moose, which was brave.”
She was right. “And fun. He’s not the guy for me but he is a great guy. And you know what, it was good to get out of my comfort zone.”
“Exactly,” Lucy said. “And that’s just the start.”
“I hope you’re right.”
“I have a very good feeling about you, Marissa.”
CeCe wheeled into the room. “Me, too, darling. I think you’re in grave danger of getting everything you want.”
She wasn’t sure she agreed, but it was nice to have so many people believing in her. Of course, they didn’t know that the one person she really did want had cut her dead the day before. She was most definitely going to have to adjust her wants a little.
“I know it seems like my life has always been super easy.” The woman was sitting in a wheelchair, no one thought her life was easy. “But the truth is sometimes you have a bit of a lull before the excitement cranks up again. If I could go back in time and be young again, I would try and go with the flow a bit more. Sometimes we’re so busy looking for what we think we want, we miss out on other things.”
She was right. Marissa knew she’d missed out on lots of opportunities pining for Mike and hoping he would come around and want a white picket fence life like she did.
“Good advice,” Lucy’s mom chimed in.
“I’ll keep it in mind,” Marissa said.
Mike set the table, that was about his only contribution to lunch, well, that and some wine. His brother didn’t flash his money about much, but he’d custom ordered in prime rib, lobster, and sides for what was a very extravagant lunch.
They were being joined by Esme from across the street, Marissa, Chloe from the ice-cream parlor, and a couple of their poker buddies, Chip and Dave. Ever since their mother had moved to Florida a few years ago with their third stepfather, Christmas had been a hodgepodge of people and experiences.
Some years they’d been over to Marissa’s and one year Esme hosted. The truth was two single brothers without family didn’t exactly fit in anywhere. They’d talked about going off to Hawaii instead but that had never come about.
Esme came into the dining room. “Merry Christmas and a penny for your thoughts.”
“Oh, I was just thinking about the ghosts of Christmas past.”
“My goodness, we’ve all got those.”
“Do we?”
“Sure. I mean, I’m a woman in her seventies alone at Christmas, you don’t think there are some things I might have done differently?”
“I suppose, you always seem so upbeat, I kind of assumed this was the life you chose.” He shrugged.
She placed the centerpiece she was carrying in the middle of the table. “Oh sure, lots of it is. I love my career and my home, but I never had a family of my own, my sister married a wackadoodle and kept me away from my only niece for years . . . some things I wouldn’t mind a second shot at.”
“I see.”
“Do you? You’re lucky because you are young, you can alter the path of your life today. Sure, you can’t change Christmas past but you can make the best of the present, and you certainly can do an awful lot about the future.”
She was right, of course. He was the master of his destiny.
“Can I say something to you that I’ve said to Todd more than once?”
“Shoot.”
“You boys are not your mother. And you’re not your stepfathers either. You live like hermits and all you’re doing is giving those people as much control over you now as they had back then.”
“I just don’t think we’re good at relationships.”
She gave her head a shake and let out an exasperated sigh. “Look, of course relationships are hard, but you’ll never get better at anything unless you try. You’re missing out on life, and it makes me sad.”
He walked over and put an arm around her. “We’re both okay. You don’t need to worry about us.”
“And you think okay is good enough? That’s just settling, son. Don’t settle.”
There was movement in the kitchen. “I guess we better see who is here.”
“Sure, honey, just don’t keep walking away when it gets a bit hard.”
She was right. He was walking away.
Marissa and Chloe came into the kitchen together. She didn’t see Mike, and she hoped she would be able to avoid him. It was unlikely, but she would do her best.
They dumped their armfuls of gifts on the counter to wish everyone a Merry Christmas.
“Sorry we’re late. I got held up over at Lucy’s,” she said. “My bad.”
“You’re not late. Just right on time,” Todd replied, handing them each a glass of wine. “Merry Christmas.”
“Thanks, Todd,” they said in unison.
“It smells so good in here,” Chloe said as she went to slide some ice-cream in the freezer.
“I’ve been slaving away all morning,” he joked.
“Really?”
“Nah, I had it all delivered yesterday. I can’t cook too well.”
“Wow, I always wondered who did that when I saw those ads online.”
“Crusty old bachelors,” he teased.
“You’re not crusty or old.” She laughed. “And for the record, I’ve told my girlfriend from Texas that I’m spending Christmas with four eligible single men, so ruining my story.”
“Noted.”
“We’ll have to take some photos with Chip’s face obscured,” Dave teased. “So you can make it convincing.”
Then Mike and Esme walked in from the dining room.
“Merry Christmas, girls,” Esme said as she hugged them.
“Table is all set,” Mike said. She avoided eye contact with him by grabbing her bags of gifts and heading off to the living room to put them under the tree.
“He will not ruin Christmas” was her mantra for today.
Of course, he had to follow her. He felt all the eyes from the kitchen burrowing into his back as he left. She had her back to him and was depositing the presents. “Marissa?”
“Yes?”
“Can we talk?”
She turned to look at him. “No, we can’t. It’s Christmas, Mike. And it is enough. Actually, no, that’s wrong, I’m going to talk and you’re going to listen.”
He shoved his hands in his pockets and rocked on his feet like a small boy. “Okay.”
“I heard what you said yesterday. I respect your opinion or feelings or whatever they are. Now, respect me enough to stay away. I want you to be happy and I’m going to assume you want the same.”
“And my staying away will make you happy?”
“Yes.”
And then she walked back to the kitchen to her friends, but the truth was she wasn’t even sure Mike was one of those anymore.
It was Christmas night and just Mike and Todd were left. They were nursing a couple of beers.
“That went well,” Todd said.
“Yeah.”
“Especially if we ignore the arctic freeze Marissa, quite rightly, sent your way. It was a bit like having Jack Frost to lunch.”
“I did kind of notice that,” he said, taking a long, slow swig of beer.
“Do you mind my asking why you’re such a monumental idiot?”
“Would it matter?”
“Not really.”
Mike didn’t really know why he’d felt compelled
to blow Marissa off on Christmas Eve, in the middle of a party. “I guess I’m just, you know, a bit confused.”
“What about?”
“Life.”
“Oh, the easy shit.” Todd chuckled. “It’s not that hard. You’re in love with Marissa; it scares the crap out of you because she is plainly too good for you. You’d rather reject her now than break her heart later, so that’s what you’ve done or that’s your rationale. But it isn’t what you want because you want the girl, and it sure as hell isn’t what she wants, or rather what she wanted.”
“You think you know everything,” he said to his brother, knowing full well he sounded like a petulant child.
“In this case, I happen to be right.” He sighed. “The good news is you’ve well and truly done it this time. It’s not a problem you’ll need to wrestle again.”
Mike felt his eyes draw together. “What do you mean?”
“You did it. You convinced her that it was time to move on and that you had nothing to give her. You’ve been trying and now you’ve succeeded. She won’t be pining after you, she’s not going to be your backup date, and she’ll definitely be moving on with someone else.”
“Moose?” he heard himself grumble.
“Maybe, but I doubt it. Anyway, it’s not really your problem now.”
“Merry freaking Christmas to me.”
“Exactly.” His brother chuckled. “No one to blame but yourself. Don’t forget I’m off to LA tomorrow for that convention. Stay away from her.”
Chapter 16
Marissa locked the library up tight and let out a sigh. If the blizzard was coming, she would be safer here in town than out at the farmhouse. The truth was she knew she could easily be stuck out there alone for a few days and that idea didn’t appeal to her. She knew she couldn’t shovel herself out effectively, and the thought of being alone out there was scary. The storm that was rolling in would delay her move into her new apartment by a day or two, but at least this way she could still work and eat and not freeze to death.
The library had everything she needed to survive a storm. Books, which were always essential. A television and Internet access if the lines didn’t go down. A reliable generator and hot water. She had coffee and a fridge and a microwave. Everything to weather the storm. She could sneak through the back door to the community center and use the showers if she was stuck for a few days. She always kept blankets here for the kids and she also had an emergency sleeping bag and beanbags. The building had a generator, so she knew she’d be safe. During the day, she’d snuck out and bought wine and snack food.
She was kind of sad that a huge storm was coming and no one but Todd, who was off in LA, had thought to check on her plans, or if she was all right. That had made her feel a little alone, but it was also a good reminder that she needed to move into town, living out at the old house as a single woman was a bad plan.
An hour later, she was snuggled up in her yoga pants on the couch with chips, a glass of Merlot, and the latest book by her favorite romance author. If she wasn’t going to get any romance, she might as well read it. Nothing like escaping into a guaranteed happy ending to make Marissa believe she might actually have her own. Outside she could hear the wind whipping up and the snow was falling heavily.
Her phone beeped with a text message.
I’m outside the library, are you in there, there’s a light on? It was Mike.
I am.
Can I come in?
Why?
Marissa, I’m freezing.
She got up and padded over to the front door. She was perfectly content being alone, and she didn’t need Mike crashing her party. He’d made it very clear at Christmas that there was nothing between them.
She unlocked the door and he walked in, shaking off snow and bringing in the cold air. He wasn’t wearing a decent coat or gloves.
“What are you doing?”
“I got a flat tire,” he said, jumping up and down. “I knocked.”
“I didn’t hear you, sorry. Where’s your coat?”
“I left it at the office because I just expected to run straight inside.”
“Not smart.” She wasn’t exactly inviting him in. They were still in the entryway.
“So it seems. Why are you here?”
“It’s safer than the farm on my own. I can’t dig myself out.”
“Oh. So you’re staying here, overnight?”
“Sure. That’s the plan. Unless they’re wrong and the storm isn’t too bad. I don’t want to get stuck out at the farmhouse for days.”
“Right. No. Of course.”
“So, what do you need to change your tire so you can get home?”
“I can’t change it in that snow, honey.”
“You can take my car.”
“You’re snowed in already.”
She sighed. She didn’t want him here.
“So, what are you saying?”
“I might need to stay, too.”
She threw her hands up in the air and stormed back to the sofa. “Okay, whatever. I’m very happy doing my thing so find a book and a corner and leave me alone.”
He deserved that. He knew it. He was lucky she didn’t know that he was here on purpose. He’d let the air out of his own tire to have an excuse. He needed to fix this and he needed to do it now. Marissa had been patient with him for years and now she was done. He’d done that.
He’d told her there was nothing between them, that it was just friendship. He’d explicitly said that any attraction between them was just because they were both lonely, which he knew made her feel pathetic and he knew it was a lie. He was scared. Or to quote his brother, chickenshit, and now he needed to fix it.
“I’m sorry I’m ruining your plans.”
She settled on the sofa and pulled her blanket up. “If you don’t talk, I can tell myself you’re not here, then nothing will be ruined.”
She returned her attention back to her book and well away from him.
Mike noted the glass of wine, the candle she’d lit on the table, and the way she had the lights low. The large picture windows that looked onto the library’s rear courtyard provided a view of the soft falling snow. He had to admit this was not a bad place to ride out a storm.
He went into the stacks and came out with his favorite book ever, The Catcher in the Rye. He was very aware that Marissa was busily ignoring him.
He settled into a beanbag, and of course, it crunched beneath him.
“Shh.”
“Spoken like a true librarian,” he teased.
“Yeah, because I am a librarian and this is, in fact, a library.” She rolled her eyes at him. He was going to have to work harder than he thought. Then it occurred to him he’d never really worked hard with Marissa. She’d been his friend and ally through school, and she had plainly adored him back then. Even after he returned, his heart and ego shattered, she’d been kind and welcoming. She’d accepted him and what he needed. What had he done? Taken advantage of her good nature, maybe led her on more than a little, and most recently lied to her.
He was right about one thing. He didn’t deserve her. But he wanted to.
“Do you think it would be okay if I had a glass of wine? It’s been kind of a crappy afternoon,” he asked.
“Sure, help yourself,” she said. “And top me off, too. I’ve had kind of a crappy year.”
“It’s nearly New Year’s Eve.”
“Yeah, and I can’t wait. Next year I’m making some serious changes,” she muttered as he walked away. Getting rid of him was no doubt one of them.
Mike went into the small library kitchen and found a mug. Apparently at this party for one, there was only one wine glass. He snagged the bottle of wine off the counter and brought it out to top off her glass and poured some in the mug.
“You’ve got yourself well set up here,” he said.
“That was the idea.” She picked up the glass and took a sip. Her tongue took a seductive swipe across her lips. “A girl has to l
ook after herself.”
“I’m sorry you have to delay your move,” he said.
She gave a shrug. “It doesn’t matter. I wanted to be in before the New Year, but a day or two doesn’t really matter I guess. The furniture truck won’t get through with my new stuff in this weather, so no point moving into a place with no sofa or bed.”
“You’re getting new furniture?”
“Yeah, well, I decided now that I was finally moving out I probably didn’t need to take the bed I slept in all through my childhood.”
“I can see that.”
“Time to be a grown-up.”
“Didn’t you say you think being a grown-up is highly overrated?” he asked her.
“Probably, but it’s still time,” she said. “And for the record, grown-ups take a coat to work and carry a spare tire.”
“Yeah, I don’t think I’m that good at it.”
“Mike, you are one of the most systematic people I know. How did you forget your coat?”
“Deadline. I had to put the paper to bed a day early because of the storm. I got in at five this morning and I guess I had other things on my mind.”
She smiled. “Like coffee?”
“Exactly.” Okay, well things were warming up.
Marissa really didn’t want to relax into nice casual conversation with Mike. But it was hard when he was sitting here. Maybe it was the snow falling or the wine, but as mad as she was at him, she couldn’t quite seem to hold on to that anger. She never really had been any good at holding a grudge.
Her phone beeped and it was a text from Lucy.
Are you safe and warm?
Yes. Holed up at the library.
Her friend did not need to know she was not alone. She looked over at Mike. His dark hair was still damp from the snow. She noticed he’d slipped off his shoes, so he was wearing dark socks, jeans, and a dark shirt, which was probably wet.
“You should put your shirt to dry on the heater,” she said. “You don’t want to catch a chill.”
“Yeah, good idea.”
He didn’t unbutton it but pulled it over his head. He wore a white T-shirt beneath that clung to his taut body. He had been working out. He crossed the room and placed it on a radiator, before returning to the beanbag.
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