The Summer I Said Yes

by Tess Harper

  My stomach dropped again. Not only did I lose my dream job, I was a failure at it.

  “However,” the Dean said, “I’ve reviewed the students scores on the tests administered throughout the semester, and paid special attention to your tutoring sessions. Not a single student who has attended your tutoring sessions has failed. In fact, as a group they’ve preformed better than any other group of students not only in the history of Professor Hepburn’s classes or the Art History department, but they’ve done better than any other Freshman survey group. Your tutoring sessions also have the highest enrollment of any Freshman survey group.”

  My heartbeat escalated. Was he giving me hope? Was he saying what I thought he was saying? The Dean leaned forward, resting his elbows on the table.

  “Miss Vaughn, I’m willing to give you one more chance. My suggestion is that both of you respect the boundaries between teacher and student. I don’t want to see either of you in my office again. Is that understood?”

  I swallowed. I couldn’t believe it. He was giving me a second chance. “Yes,” I stammered. “I won’t let you down. You have my promise.”

  “I hope that’s true, Miss Vaughn.” The Dean nodded, then looked to my left. “And Jack?”

  I was suddenly aware that Jack was still in the room. I glanced at him. He grit his jaw.

  “Jack?” the Dean prompted.

  Jack looked at me, his blue eyes pleading for something I didn’t understand, or maybe I just didn’t want to understand. Slowly, with a look of resignation on his face, he turned back to the Dean. “I understand,” he said.

  “Good,” the Dean replied with satisfaction, then ushered us from his office.

  ***

  I walked quickly away from the Dean’s office, my heels clacking on the floor as I hurried, trying to ignore the footsteps behind me. Unfortunately, ignoring the man’s voice behind me was a little more difficult.

  “You can’t just walk away from me like this,” Jack said.

  Watch me.

  “You can’t pretend that there’s nothing between us. That—”

  I spun too quickly for Jack to react, so my head collided with his chest. He put his hands on my shoulders, keeping me upright.

  I craned my neck up to look at his face. “What, exactly, do you think I’m pretending to do?”

  Jack swallowed as he stepped back, his eyes never leaving mine. “I think that you’re running away.”

  “Gee, what tipped you off? Was it the fact that I was running away from you up until two seconds ago?”

  “I think you’re running from your feelings. I think you’re lying to yourself.”

  “And I think you’re an asshole for telling me what I want instead of listening to what I’m saying.”

  “What are you saying, Emily? You didn’t say anything when we left the room.”

  “There’s a reason for that. You and me, whatever we had or didn’t have, it doesn’t matter anymore. It’s over.”

  He gestured to the Dean’s office with a look of disbelief. “You’re going to throw away everything we have because of one stupid class?”

  “No. I’m not going to throw my career away because of one stupid boy.”

  Jack shook his head. “You don’t mean that.”

  “There you go, telling me what I think again.”

  He reached for my hand. “You can’t mean that, Emily.”

  I shook myself from his grip and stepped back. “I do mean it, Jack. Did you hear what he said back there? If this continues, I lose my job. I lose everything I’ve worked for.”

  He took a step forward but didn’t try to touch me. “And what about me?”

  My heart lurched. I knew his heart was breaking. Jack didn’t seem sweet or sensitive when you first saw him. Hell, he still seemed cocky to me most of the time. But moments like this reminded me that wasn’t the case, because behind that cocky exterior was a guy who knew how to love and loved deeply. I knew because I’d seen that part of him. I’d cherished those moments so much that sometimes I forgot how much they also scared me.

  “Jack,” I whispered. Somehow, my hand found his cheek. It cupped it tenderly. I was going to break this boy and a part of myself. Sometimes, hurting someone was the right thing to do. “This summer, you gave me some of the happiest memories of my life, and seeing your intelligence and watching you grow in class has been humbling.”

  “What do you mean I gave you?” Jack said, leaning into my hand. “I want to still give them to you.”

  “I know.” This was the part that was going to hurt the most. I think I understood now just how wrong this relationship between us was. Loving someone and losing that person’s love always hurt. I knew that. But being responsible for a person and hurting them was unbearable. “And I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t say it Emily.”

  “I’ve been saying it for a while now, you just haven’t been listening.”

  “You don’t mean it. You’re afraid.” His words sounded less sure. It should comfort me. It should show me that he was moving in the right direction and beginning to accept the situation between us. Instead, the lack of certainty in his tone made me ache.

  “Jack, you are one of the best guys I’ve ever met. A little—well, actually a lot—more intense than is probably healthy, but you’re kind and you don’t give up on the ones you love. Someday, you are going to make some woman very happy.”

  His eyes blinked open. The hurt in them was so evident, maybe even more so because they were still so beautiful. “Emily.”

  “But that woman won’t be me.”

  “You really want me to just leave? You don’t even want to wait a few more months and see what happens?”

  “You’re in your first year of college. It wouldn’t be fair to you.”

  “No. It would be fair to me. I don’t give a shit about chasing women. The only woman I want to chase is you. If you don’t want me to wait, it’s for your benefit, not mine.”

  “Jack, you’re eighteen. At your age, everything can change in a few months. Hell, everything can change in a few months even when you’re twenty-three.”

  His eyes focused. “What happened when you were twenty-three.”

  Shit. I can’t believe I let that out. “Nothing. It doesn’t matter.”

  “I think it does.”

  I pulled away from him. “It doesn’t. It has nothing to do with us.”

  “Just tell me what happened.”

  “No.”

  “Emily—”

  “I said no!” I whipped back around, eyes blazing. “You never listen to me.”

  He studied me for a moment. “You keep saying I don’t know what I want. That I’m too young. And yet, minutes after telling me you want nothing to do with me, you kiss me. Hours after running away from me, you show up at my dorm, drunk and screaming my name.”

  I groaned. “Look, I’m not proud of that.”

  “Who cares if you’re proud of it? We all do things we aren’t proud of. My point is that I think you’re running. I think you do want me, and it scares you.”

  “None of that matters! Whatever is between us is over. Did you hear what the Dean said? One more mistake and I’m out.”

  “So let’s just take it slow and—”

  “Jack, you don’t understand. When I’m around you, I do nothing but make mistakes. I need to be professional. This is my entire future we’re talking about here.”

  His eyes focused on mine with such intensity that for a moment I felt like his puppet—like he could control my every movement, even my heartbeat. “I love you,” he said.

  “Jesus.” I cringed and fell back into the wall.

  “I want to support you. I want to protect you.”

  I looked up at him, still feeling unsteady. “Is that really what you want?”

  He didn’t hesitate. “Yes.”

  “Then you have to let me go.”

  “Emily—”

  “I told you there was someone else a while ago. I think
I have a future with him.”

  Anger flashed in his eyes. “Then why didn’t you show up at his place last night at 2am?”

  “Because he doesn’t make me crazy. Because I can think when I’m around him. Because he knows just how to support me, just how to make me feel better. Because, when he’s at my side, I’m at my best, not my worst.”

  “Really? Have you even slept with this guy yet?”

  I pushed myself from the wall. The nerve of this guy! “Sex isn’t everything.”

  “So you haven’t,” Jack said, advancing.

  “Look, that isn’t any of your business.”

  Jack leaned against the wall where I just was, eyes piercing me. “Does he make your heart race like I do? Do you really want him, Emily? Or are you just with him because you think he’s safe?”

  My body started to tingle all over. “He’s everything that you’re not,” I responded, disgusted by the breathless in my tone.

  “So he’s a boring pussy,” Jack replied with a grin. “Sounds like you found yourself a winner.”

  My cheeks flushed. My breathing became ragged. God, were my nostrils flaring? Why did Jack always bring out the most disgusting side of me? “He’s kind,” I said, jabbing my finger in his chest, trying to ignore how hard his muscles were. Damn this guy was ripped. And the feel of it beneath my bare palms as he…wait, why the hell was I thinking about that? I started jabbing my finger at him again with a vengeance. “And considerate. And successful.”

  Jack grabbed my hand. “Tell me the truth, Emily. Does thinking about how kind, and considerate, and successful he is make you want to kiss me?”

  I barred my teeth. Literally. Like a freaking horse. If I wasn’t so pissed, I would have been appalled. “You, sir, are the most arrogant, disgusting, annoying—”

  I stopped as Jack started to laugh. “Sir?”

  “Don’t even get me started on you.”

  “I’ll try not to let you, though from the way you’re zeroing in on my lips it looks like you’re about to devour them.”

  “I can’t kiss you,” I said, even though I should have said, I never want to kiss you again.

  “I know you can’t until we’re done with this stupid class.” Jack winked. “Don’t worry, Miss Vaughn. I’m going to take this very seriously. I don’t care how many times you throw yourself at me, I won’t let you kiss me until we’re no longer in this class.”

  No matter how many times I threw myself at him? Did he think I was some sex starved maniac? That I couldn’t control myself? The nerve of this guy! I can’t believe that a few minutes ago I’d really been worrying about his feelings because obviously the only person this guy cared about was himself. “I’m not going to be throwing myself at you. I have someone else.”

  “Yeah. A pussy who can’t close the deal.”

  “I will not let you disrespect him like that. He is thoughtful, and amazing, and wonderful, and—”

  “Look Emily,” Jack interrupted. “If it turns out you really do love this guy and he’s the one, well, that’s just something I’ll have to deal with. But I’m not going to let you run away from us without a fight, because what we have is real.”

  “What we have is a one night stand from Hell.”

  “Emily, I know this situation isn’t ideal.”

  Understatement of the century.

  “And I know how much your career means to you,” Jack continued. “So I won’t do anything else to jeopardize it. I’m sorry I ever did.”

  “I know you are,” I sighed.

  “Let’s just wait until the end of the term. Then we can play this by ear.”

  “No, Jack…”

  “We’ll see how it goes, no expectations.”

  I looked up at him, feeling defeated. “As long as you think there’s even the possibility of you and me getting together, there’s an expectation.”

  He shifted on his feet.

  “Look, I wish things were different, but they aren’t. I’ve found someone else, and you have about fifty girls lined up to take my nonexistent position. Don’t wait for me.”

  Jack shook his head. “I will.”

  I looked down at the ground between us. “Please don’t. I don’t want you to hate me more than you already do.”

  This time, when I left, he let me go.

  Chapter 24

  Midterms came and went. Jack didn’t even look at me in class. Neither did Molly, Sarah, Bret, Donny or Mike, though they all still came to tutoring sessions. I had a distinct feeling they felt sorry for me, though, and how could they not? What kind of TA does a Walk of Shame with a Freshman? I’d be forever branded as the girl who showed up screaming at Jack’s dorm in the middle of the night. I’d acted like…I honestly don’t even know. I’d never gotten this crazy when I was in school.

  Like an idiot. Like a girl who let a guy ruin her life again.

  And then I’d push down that negative little voice and hold my head up high.

  I made this very messy, very public bed. Unfortunately, I had to lie in it in front of everyone too. But the Dean had given me a second chance, and I was going to take it.

  I guess one good thing came out of it though. Way more students were showing up to my tutoring sessions—and by way more, I mean the entire class. I knew they were just there for the scandal, but an opportunity was an opportunity. If I wasn’t able to redeem myself in front of my students, how could I honestly claim that I deserved this job in the first place? I had Sophie by my side. She was always on my team, and the cheery cookies wrapped in inspirational messages she made me each day always raised my spirits.

  And there was Peter. He didn’t know about any of this, and I wanted to keep it that way for as long as possible.

  Sophie told me it was all kinds of wrong wrong, and I knew she was right. You don’t hide your mistakes from the person you’re sort-of-maybe-kind-of-somedays dating. But how do you tell the perfect guy that you had an affair over the summer with a manwhore who you then realized was one of your students…and then showed up drunk and screaming at his frat at 2am…and then did the Walk of Shame the next morning.

  It was bad. Very, very, very bad. But it wasn’t like I was lying to him. I mean, I’d tell him eventually when I figured out how to say it.

  But now was not the time. I was too happy. I toyed with my phone in my pocket with a giddy smile on my face, feeling like a teenage girl. Just when I had finished off the batch of Soph’s incredible white chocolate chip dark chocolate macadamia nut cookies and thought everything was hopeless, Peter had called. Originally he’d invited me out to dinner, and while I was sad he’d canceled those plans about an hour later, I was thrilled to be meeting him for lunch. Peter was everything I’d ever dreamed of in a guy. Actually, he was more than I’d ever dreamed of.

  Unlike a certain other someone who was not to be named.

  I rushed across the street to the cute little cafe with striped evergreen and white awnings. The bell on the wooden door jingled as I pushed it open.

  Peter was sitting right by the window. His face lit up when he saw me, and I felt mine light up too. He stood and greeted me, placing his hand on my shoulder. His touch was light, almost airy. “Hey Em,” he said, smiling, as he leaned forward and gently kissed my cheek.

  It should be impossible for a man’s lips to be that soft. No, illegal. Every time he touched me it felt like he was holding something back, and the silent promise of what might come next was starting to kill me.

  He held out the chair for me. I shivered as I sat. The cafe was crowded. Some children were even screaming with glee in the back of the room. But we might as well have been alone. His knuckles brushed my back as he scooted the chair in for me. His fingers lingered on my shoulder, near my neck, before he stepped away. A part of me wanted to grab his hand and hold him there.

  “You alright, Em?” he asked, frowning with concern as he took his seat in front of me.

  I nodded. “Yeah. Just a little hot. I should take off my sweater.”
<
br />   He gave me a small, boyish smile. My heartbeat spiked.

  Jesus, what was wrong with me? All this guy had to do was breathe and I suddenly became a flustered mess. That kiss in the hotel he wanted to renovate had done something to me. Good men like Peter weren’t supposed to kiss like that. Why did he have to be so damn perfect?

  I ripped off my sweater and dropped it in my lap. I was pinking again, and this time I couldn’t blame it on the sweater. I flattened my palms on the table and took a deep breath.