by Gina Wilkins
“Is everything okay at home, Connor?” Haley asked, looking up at him in concern.
He spread his hands and answered with complete honesty. “I don’t have the faintest clue.”
Ron shook his head in sympathy. “Dude. Glad I’m not in your shoes.”
Haley punched his arm. “Ron!”
“Ow. I’m just saying—”
With a wry smile, Connor slid into his seat. “Let’s just get back to work, okay? Everything will work out for the best somehow.”
He had to keep telling himself that in an effort to make himself believe it.
He studied late into the night Saturday. Because no one was there to disturb, he kept all the lights burning in his house and made no effort to be quiet when he rambled around in the kitchen for snacks and drinks. As it was a little cool in the house, he wore a ragged sweatshirt and fleece pants, but he could be studying in his underwear, if he wanted to, he thought with a wry smile. After all, no one was there to see him.
Leaving dirty dishes in the sink to put away later, he carried a cold can of soda to the table where he was studying. He looked around the empty room for a moment while he took his first sip. Several times during the past few weeks he had remembered what it was like to be on his own, responsible for no one but himself. If he ignored the doll peeking out from a sofa cushion and a coffee mug sitting by the coffeemaker with Mia’s name printed on it, he could almost imagine that he had gone back in time to those solitary bachelor days.
Shaking his head, he reached for a notebook, then frowned when he realized it wasn’t where he’d thought. He must have left it in his room.
Grumbling, he wandered through the living room and down the hallway to his bedroom. He found the notebook on his desk. He looked at his bed on his way out of the room. Would he ever see that bed again without remembering Mia in his arms there? Without wanting to be with her there again?
Turning abruptly, he left the room, then paused again, his gaze turning toward the two bedrooms at the other end of the short hallway. Both doors were open and the rooms beyond were dark. Empty. The silence settled heavily around him and for the first time in his memory, he felt lonely in the little house he’d once considered a cozy refuge.
What if he could go back in time, to those earlier, easier days? What if some quirk of magic or fate gave him that option? Would he choose to place himself on a basketball court with his buddies a year earlier, laughing like an idiot and having nothing waiting for him after the game but a takeout and a stack of papers to grade? Back when Mia had been a comfortable friend to call for a shared movie or pizza and neither of them had worried overly much about their future? Back before anyone had ever called him “Daddy” and expected him to provide shelter and guidance and security?
Would he go back if he could? The mental question seemed to echo in the hushed shadows around him, as if the house itself waited for his answer.
He gave a hard shake of his head and moved toward the kitchen, back to the lecture notes that awaited him. Stress and lack of sleep must be getting to him. It wasn’t like him to be so foolish and fanciful.
“It is what it is,” he muttered, plopping down into his chair again. No going back. No rewriting reality.
Yet even as he opened his book, he knew there was no real doubt what his answer would have been had he been given that impossible choice.
He wouldn’t go back.
Mia found a note from Connor in the kitchen when she and Alexis returned from the weekend at the lake house her family had owned since Mia was a teenager. He would be studying in the lab and with his group until late, the note said. Don’t wait up for him.
Alexis looked disappointed and Mia knew the feeling. “You’ll see him tomorrow. If not in the morning, then after school. His big test will be over then and he’ll have time for you to tell him all about your weekend with Nicklaus and Caroline.”
“Okay.”
“Go put away your things and I’ll make us some dinner. You’ll want to take your bath and get in bed on time tonight because you were up late last night.”
Alexis and Mia’s niece and nephew had lain awake until almost ten giggling and chattering in the two sets of bunk beds set up in what the family referred to as the kids’ room. There were four bedrooms in the rambling cottage, all surrounding a large great room that served as living room and dining room with an open, attached kitchen.
The weekend had been noisy and active and a little chaotic with five adults and three children in the house, playing games, watching sports, taking hikes along the water’s edge and through the nearby woods in the crisp, cool air. It had been exactly what Mia needed. A few days packed too busy for worrying and stewing, surrounded by people who loved her unconditionally and expected nothing from her but love in return.
She turned in early that night. Partially because she was tired, but maybe as a way to avoid facing Connor for a few more hours. She didn’t fall instantly asleep, but lay in her bed, staring at the ceiling until she heard him arrive home just before midnight.
She heard his footsteps through the kitchen and the living room. Held her breath as she heard him pause in the hallway. Was he looking at her door? She could almost sense him out there, gazing her way.
But then she heard him walk into his own room and close his door. She released her breath in a low sigh.
They couldn’t go on like this, of course. She couldn’t continue to avoid him. Eventually—soon—she was going to have to face him again for the first time since she had left his bed last week. And she was going to have to decide exactly how they would continue from here.
Connor looked exhausted when he arrived home late Monday afternoon, but Mia could tell by her first look at him that he was satisfied with his performance on the gross anatomy final.
“You did well?” she asked when he walked in.
He gave her a tired smile. “I think so. It was as hard as I expected, but I was pretty confident with my answers.”
“That’s great. I know you’re glad to have that class behind you.”
He nodded vigorously. “Very much so. Definitely the most difficult class I’ve ever taken in my life. But I got through it.”
She smiled. “I hope you’re hungry. I made lasagna.”
His eyes lit up. “Lasagna? My favorite meal.”
“I know that. And we’re having chocolate chess pie for dessert. To celebrate your survival of the class.”
“My favorite meal and my favorite dessert. Mia, you’re an angel.”
Her heart twisted a little, but she smiled and waved him away. “Go wash up. I’ll get the food on the table.”
He hesitated a moment, as though he wanted to say—or do—something more. His gaze focused on her mouth, and she wondered if he was thinking about kissing her. Her own lips tingled in anticipation.
“Daddy! You’re home. I want to tell you what I did at the lake house.” Alexis was practically bouncing as she came into the kitchen. Not running, Mia noted with a faint smile, but definitely hurrying.
Connor swept Alexis into a hug. “Hi, princess. I want to hear all about your weekend. Just let me go wash my hands, okay? You can tell me all about it during the delicious dinner Mia has made for us.”
Torn between relief and disappointment, Mia turned back to her dinner preparations. “Alexis, would you like to put the napkins on the table?” she asked lightly.
There was no opportunity for Mia and Connor to talk during dinner. Alexis kept up a cheery monologue, barely taking time to chew and swallow before thinking of another tidbit to share with her father about her weekend with Mia’s family. Connor listened intently, smiling, laughing when appropriate, asking questions and encouraging her to continue.
Watching the two of them together, Mia was struck by how much more easily they communicated than they had at the start. Alexis seemed more comfortable with her father now, and he was more relaxed with her in return. There was no question that the child was still partial to Mia, but her affec
tions were becoming just a bit more balanced. Maybe this summer, when Alexis was out of school and Connor had a little more free time, the two of them could find things to do, just the two of them. Father-daughter outings. Family things.
“This meal is great, Mia. You outdid yourself tonight.”
She smiled a bit too brightly. “I’m glad you like it. You’re saving room for dessert, aren’t you?”
“Are you kidding? You couldn’t stop me from having some of that pie.” He looked at Alexis. “I tasted Mia’s chocolate chess pie for the first time not long after she and I met. That’s when I knew we were going to be best friends forever.”
Alexis giggled. “Because of her pie?”
“Well, maybe her lasagna had something to do with it, too.”
Grinning, the child glanced toward Mia. “I think Daddy likes your cooking.”
“Yes, I think he does, too.” She reached abruptly for her glass. “I’d like some more tea. Anyone else need anything while I’m up?”
They both assured her they were fine. They were already talking again as Mia opened the refrigerator door and took out the tea pitcher.
Connor insisted on cleaning up after the meal. It was the least he could do, he argued, after Mia had gone to so much trouble. Besides, with her habit of cleaning as she cooked, it wasn’t as if there was much left for him to do, he added.
She spent the next hour helping Alexis with a reading assignment and then getting her ready for bed. When the child was bathed and tucked snugly into bed, Mia gathered her courage and went to rejoin Connor in the living room, resisting a cowardly impulse to hide in her own room.
Connor was sprawled in his easy chair, reading a medical textbook, when Mia walked in. He looked up with a slightly distracted smile. “Is she asleep?”
“If not, she’s almost there. Her eyes were closing when I left her.”
He set his book aside and stretched. “I told myself I was going to take an evening off from studying, but it’s hard to make myself do so. I keep remembering that I still have three more classes to complete this semester.”
“You deserve a few hours just to unwind after that test. Can I get you anything?”
He groaned and waved her toward the couch. “Sit down. I’ve had plenty to eat and drink. Let’s just relax for now, okay?”
Sinking into the cushions, she nodded. “I have a little paperwork to do for school tomorrow, but it’ll only take me twenty minutes or so. I can chat a while.”
A fleeting frown crossed his face, as if chatting wasn’t exactly what he’d had in mind, but he nodded equably. “I’ve heard all about Alexis’s weekend. How about you? Did you have a nice time with your family?”
“Very nice, thanks. We played lots of board games, took some walks, had a birthday party for Dad. Ate a lot,” she added with a slight grimace.
“It sounds nice.”
“It was.”
“Alexis is crazy about your family. She’s obviously adopted them for her own.”
“They feel the same way about her. Nicklaus and Caroline love spending time with her, and my parents think she’s adorable. Probably because she is,” she added with a little laugh.
“She hasn’t had any more nightmares lately?”
“No. I hope that phase is over.”
“Yeah, so do I.”
Mia twisted her fingers in her lap, knowing the small talk was about to end. She tried to delay the inevitable just a bit longer. “How do you think your study group did on the exam?”
“James pretty much aced it, I’m sure, as did Anne, though she’ll probably fret about it until the grades are posted. Haley seemed well prepared, so I’m sure she did okay. Ron—”
He shrugged. “It’s hard to tell with Ron. He works hard, but he doesn’t seem to take anything too seriously. Even if he blew it, I’m not sure the rest of us would ever know.”
“You’ve become quite close with them, haven’t you?”
“Yeah, I guess I have. They’re great people.”
“You don’t get to see your old friends much these days.”
“I know,” he admitted with a wince. “I hate that, but I’ve just had so little extra time. Besides which, we don’t seem to have as much in common these days. It was playing sports that drew us together mostly, and I don’t have as much opportunity for that these days, especially since Alexis arrived. And they like to hang out in the bars afterward, drinking beer and picking up women, and that’s not really my thing anymore. Again, part of that is due to Alexis—I mean, I’m a father now, you know? I should act like one.”
In other words, his life was changing. He was slowly leaving his old life behind. His new friends had more in common with him, knew exactly what it was like to go through medical school, and the shared experiences drew them closer together. Whatever energy he had left was rightly given to his daughter.
So what did that leave for her? A few moments of attention on the odd evening away from his studies, like tonight?
She moistened her lips and clenched her hands more tightly together.
After a moment, Connor pushed a hand through his hair and leaned forward in his chair, his eyes focused on her face. “We seem to be going out of our way to avoid the one topic we should probably be discussing.”
She glanced down at her white-knuckled fingers. “I know.”
“What happened between us the other night—”
“—was amazing,” she cut in quickly. “I don’t regret it.”
After a slight pause, he prodded, “But…?”
“But I think we should slow down again,” she finished in a rush. “Everything is still in transition here. We still have to think about Alexis, and you have your classes to finish. I’ve got midterm exams coming up, then all the hectic, end-of-the-year stuff. And—”
He held up a hand, his face inscrutable. “Okay, I get the message.”
“No regrets,” she repeated in case he’d missed that part. “It’s just…well, it’s just the wrong time for us to start anything that has the potential to cause so many problems in the long run.”
“I’m sure you’re right. As always.”
There was just enough sting in his words to make her wince. “Connor—”
He held up both hands this time. “No, Mia. I’m sorry. You really are right. It’s the worst possible time for me. For both of us.”
“Oh.” Her heart sank a little even as she told herself she was glad he was being rational about this. “Well—”
“I know you’ve had a lot to deal with the last few months,” he added. “It’s pretty well all been on your shoulders to keep the house going and take care of Alexis and keep up with your own work. Natalie was right about that.”
She grimaced. “No, she wasn’t. I’m sorry you heard what she said, but she didn’t know what she was talking about.”
“Of course she did. She’s your friend and she cares about you. She wants what’s best for you. As do I.”
Not sure where this was headed now, she tilted her head and studied him with a frown. “Um—”
“I’m going to start doing more around here,” he announced firmly. “I’ll still have to study, but I can do more of it at home so I can help you out a little more. If nothing else, I can do laundry while I study. Just takes a few minutes to throw in a load of clothes or fold some towels. I can certainly manage that.”
Surely he didn’t think her biggest concern was the division of household labor. “There’s no need for that. I said all along that we’d consider child care and housework my way of paying rent.”
He shook his head. “You’ve been doing too much. And you’ve done it all without a word of complaint. The least I can do to repay you for all your help is to pitch in a bit more.”
Repay her. The words sank heavily into her heart.
She had never wanted his gratitude. And she certainly didn’t want him to feel that he owed her anything. If he couldn’t understand that…
If he couldn’t under
stand that, then there wasn’t a chance that he could offer her what she really needed from him, she thought sadly.
He reached for his textbook. “Maybe I will read another chapter tonight. You said something about having some paperwork to do before tomorrow?”
Nodding numbly, she stood. “I’ll go do that now. I—Good night, Connor.”
“Good night, Mia,” he answered without looking up from his book.
Swallowing hard, she turned to leave the room, crossing her arms against a sudden chill.
By the middle of March, Mia had convinced herself that she and Connor had done absolutely the right thing in drawing back from an intimate relationship. They were both very busy during those two weeks.
As Connor has promised, he made more of an effort to help out around the house, sharing responsibilities for Alexis to give Mia more time for her spring duties at school. He still spent quite a few hours with his study group, of course, but he always made sure to ask if Mia needed him at home before he made plans with them. He started bringing home takeout once a week, so she didn’t have to cook, and he followed through on his promise to do laundry while he studied at the kitchen table. There were times when he was almost too helpful, getting underfoot and unintentionally interfering with the efficient routines she had established since moving in.
They were very polite, cheerfully friendly, scrupulously cooperative. Still friends, Mia thought with a fleeting sadness, if not the very best of friends anymore.
If Alexis noticed any difference, it wasn’t obvious. She continued to enjoy her school, her friends, her dance classes. She still entertained herself very well with her dolls and art supplies and enjoyed playing the video game with Connor whenever he could spare an hour. Duncan made an occasional appearance, always bearing gifts, and Alexis thrived on those visits from her pop. She still spoke occasionally of her life back in Springfield, but those memories seemed to be growing hazy for her. Mia thought it was mostly because she was so young that the child had adapted so easily to her new life.
