It was either because he was on guard or he really had no feelings in the matter. She could not decide which it was.
“You still love me?” He asked and at that moment she wished she had not said it like that.
“It’s about the same as saying I’m sorry, it doesn’t change anything.” That hit something in him and he was up and moving toward the window. She did not know what he was going to say to that. She remained on the couch the half eaten sandwich in her hand.
“So you want to share custody?” That was not something that she had even thought about. The baby was hers after all and she did not even think about having to share legal rights.
“I can have my child on the weekends, and maybe father’s day?” She did not like the way he was talking. His words were so cold, lacking any emotion what so ever.
“Do I get Thanksgiving and you get Christmas?” The emotion was returning to his words and she did not like that either.
“What do we do about birthdays?” Now he was getting loud and she wanted to tell him to be quiet. She did not think she could handle his hurt or anger, whatever it was. Jon turned back to her and she did not like the look on his face. He was angry and she did not think he had any right to be.
“Do I have to stand by and watch you be with someone else? Do you think I can stand by quietly while someone else is playing daddy to my kid?” London dropped her head to study the sandwich in her lap. She had not thought that far ahead. She did not have an answer for his question.
“You are damn right I want to be a part of my child’s life, London. And I will be damned if I will not stand in line behind any man.” She did not doubt it, he was very angry and it was clear. London looked up to him then and she saw the tightness of his jaw.
“Jon.” She wanted to tell him that she was not ready to discuss this and she needed him to calm down.
“My name is Whiskey.” He said so calmly that it made her shiver. Before she could say another word he was heading out the door. London wanted to go after him, she wanted to call him back. But she did not, she sat right there and stared at the sandwich in her lap. Well at least they had gotten some of it out there. Instead of worrying about it too much she made her way to the kitchen and trashed the sandwich. This was probably the longest day in the history of days and she was ready for it to be done.
Thirteen
The following Thursday was her appointment to have an ultrasound. She asked Casey and her mother to go with her. She would have asked Jon, but he had fallen off the face of the earth. There had been no phone calls, no surprise visits, nothing. She had known he was angry when he left but she did not think he would just disappear like this. It would be okay she told herself.
She was going to have a baby boy. That information filled her with such love that she felt she would burst with it. It was hard not to be happy when she looked at the little black and white photos they had given her. At her office she had made copies of them and put them in an envelope, she was going to send them to Jon.
The thought that it was pretty cold to just mail them to him occurred to her. It did not help that she did not know his address. She was sure that if she asked her father he would have that information. Damage control probably knew his shoe size.
Leaving work early the next afternoon she decided to go by the bar and see if he was there. His truck was in the parking lot. When she saw him at the bar her heart stopped. There was a blond and a brunette all over him. She took a deep breath and closed the distance between them.
“Very nice, Jon.” She said and that got his attention. He looked up at her and smiled.
“It takes more of them to make one of you.” The blond haired girl pouted at his words but did not take her hands off of him. There was no reason for her to stand there looking at that. So she put the envelope on the bar next to the empty shot glasses.
“It’s a boy.” That was all she was going to say so she turned and walked away from him. There was no need to look back at him so she did not.
Why had she ever thought that he would stop being the man that she had fallen in love with? Why did she put herself through that? When she drove out of the bar she saw him coming out of the doors. She saw the envelope in his hand but did not stop. She had enough of that place and that man.
At her house she parked the car in the garage. She said a tiny prayer for strength and got out of her car. This was not the way it was supposed to be. Her life had taken a turn that she was not prepared for, but she had to adjust and keep moving. Elsa came running in and headed for the front door. Turning she saw him on her front porch. She really needed curtains for those windows and that door.
When she opened the door he stepped inside and closed it behind him. Before she could think he had her pressed against the door and was kissing her. She tried to resist him, but it was so hard. She could taste the whiskey on his tongue.
When he finally pulled away from her she reached out for him. Her hands landing on his waist.
“None of them have that.” He said before she shoved him away. The reminder of all of those other ‘Angels’ made her mad.
“You really shouldn’t be driving, you are drunk.” The anger in her tone very clear.
“Fine I will stay here.” He said and she shoved him back. It worked and she was able to step by him. Walking toward the den she tried to calm herself down. The heart in her chest was racing.
“No you won’t.” She meant that more than anything. How could he just expect her to let this happen. Sure they had something and the chemistry between them was strong, but it wasn’t enough. She needed so much more than he could ever give her. This man had ruined her life for crying out loud.
“I fucked up, London.”
“Don’t talk to me like that.” The idea that he thought he had messed up his life was too much for her to swallow. It was her life that he had ruined.
“I made some big mistakes, and I can’t fix it. I don’t know what to say to you. I know you want me, I can feel it.” His words touched something in her, but it was probably not what he wanted to touch.
“Okay, you may be right. Even if I do want you, it can’t happen. There is nothing in this world that can fix your mistakes. Nothing can ever change the fact that I have to be a prisoner in my own home, because of you. Will I be able to take my child to a playground? Will there be someone there that says something to him? Can I do something as simple as taking him out for ice cream? Probably not, and you are a constant reminder of that.” She wondered if he was drunk and if so how drunk he was. She did not want to ask. The look on his face said it all. He was angry.
“I was in a dark place, London, and I did not know what to do. I wanted to make him hurt as much as I was hurting. Instead I hurt you. The only innocent one in the whole mess. I never thought about what it would do to you. You were right, you did not matter to me.” That hit her hard and she tried to keep the tears down.
“But you do now. You are all that matters to me now.” The doorbell rang and she saw Paul and Shayla through the glass. Jon moved to open the door and they came in. Shayla ran over and hugged London before rubbing her on the belly. Then she was hugging Jon. Paul had his arm in a sling.
“Did you forget about us?” Paul asked as he made his way over to where she stood. His body blocked her from seeing Jon. He hugged her with his good arm and she hugged him back. She had forgotten about their plans for dinner.
“Sorry.” She admitted and then smiled at him. Shayla was playing with Elsa.
“Just let me get my purse.” This was what she needed, she needed to get away from Jon and breathe.
“Do you want to come with us, Jon?” Shayla asked as London went to get her purse.
“We are going to Pizza Palace.” London could not imagine Jon ever enjoying that place.
“No, but thank you. I will see you later, London.” Then he was gone out the door.
Shayla was so excited about going to her favorite restaurant. It was the same as it always was. Th
ey entered and looked for a place to sit, while Shayla raced off to play the games.
“How are things with you and Kate?” She really hoped they could come to some point that they both could agree on.
“She is not so sure she wants to try again. I guess getting shot didn’t help.” Paul met her eyes briefly and then looked out over the children running by.
“She is probably just scared, Paul.” She knew that she would be if the shoe were on the other foot.
“Is that why you keep pushing Jon away?” She wished he would look at her. She needed to see his eyes to judge the validity of his question.
“What?” Maybe she had not heard him correctly.
“It is very obvious that you still love him, London. I don’t know why you keep pushing him away.” Then he was looking at her and she did not like the tenderness in his eyes.
“Paul, you know what he has done. It can’t be changed.”
“You are right, nothing will ever change it. What I saw on his face earlier was real pain, London, and I saw it in your eyes too. You can not change what happened and pushing him away only makes it hurt more. Listen to your heart, and if he hurts you again I will kill him.”
“We make a pair don’t we?” She said as she watched Shayla coming toward them.
“Yeah, and I count you as one of my closest friends. Although when I think of those pictures.”
“Shut up.” She said but there was a real smile on her face. Shayla was at the table now. She had a stuffed bear in her hands.
“I got this for the baby.” Shayla said and London hugged her.
“Thank you.” Not counting the diapers this little toy was the first thing that anyone had bought for the baby.
Later that night she sat on her couch, the teddy bear in her arms. There was so much about what Paul said that touched her. The doorbell rang and she got up to go and see who it was. Jon was coming in when she stepped into the hall.
“You really should lock this door.” He said to her he seemed a little more somber than usual. Just a little more blank.
“What’s this?” He asked as he took the teddy bear from her arms.
“Shayla got it for the baby.” That made him smile. He held it out to her. She did not take it so he tossed it onto the couch. She wanted to tell him so much, but she was afraid to.
“Did you keep all of the diapers?” That was the first time he had mentioned them. She had known they were from him, but the question made her smile.
“Yes, and that would have been cruel if I had an abortion.” Her arms were around her middle. He was so close but he was not touching her.
“You hurt me, and I needed to hurt you back.” She met his eyes then and knew that he was telling the truth. “I can’t think about that right now. That was the darkest place I have ever been in.”
“I am sorry.” She meant those words. It was not in her nature to hurt people. No matter what this man did to her she could not hurt him like that. “I was scared and I felt all alone, I panicked. I did not know what else to do.” That was the truth she admitted and even though she did not want to spill it, it did feel better to have it out there.
“What changed your mind?” His words were soft and quiet. She could not look away from him at that moment.
“You.” Taking a deep breath she continued. “You told me not to kill the baby because of you. That was exactly what I was doing. I was going to hurt this little innocent baby, because you had hurt me. I couldn’t do it.”
“Thank God.” He reached for her then, just a hand on her hands and she let it stay.
“I thought you didn’t do church.” She said remembering when he had told her that.
“I don’t do church, but me and God go way back.” That did not make much sense to her, maybe she would ask him about it some other time. If there was ever some other time.
“Can you help me be the man that you need me to be?” London looked at him then, that question only opened up more questions for her. Did she want the man before her to be something that he was not? Did she want calm and dependable. Dependable was not so bad.
Did she want the man that liked to tease her to no end during a football game, or did she want the man that he thought she wanted him to be?
“What if I don’t want that?” She saw the confusion wrinkle his brow. He started to pull away from her and she did not want that at all. Reaching for his hand she held it.
“What if the man I need is the one you were when we first met? The one that drank whiskey from my mouth. The one that was not afraid to take charge and tell me what to do. The man that steals my panties for his weird collection. What if that is the man I need?” There was a guilty little smile on his lips and she liked it.
“I don’t have some weird collection, I only have yours.” There was still a hint of something in his eyes.
“Well that makes me feel a little better.”
“I can be that man, London, I can be any man that you need.” She did not want any man. She wanted this man and she knew that keeping him away was not going to work for her. No matter what he did before, she still loved him and she wanted him in her life.
“I want Whiskey.” The words were soft and she reached up to stroke his beard, she had missed that beard.
“You are pregnant.” His reminder was not needed.
“I meant you.” Then his head came down and his mouth covered hers. She did want him, she wanted him no matter what. So what if everyone thought she was crazy, being without him was worse. The man knew how to kiss her. His hands were on her waist and she was holding his face between her hands. He backed her up until she was against the wall.
“Will you love me?” He asked as his mouth came up from hers.
“I do love you.” She had never made that a secret, it had always been there.
“Will you love me when you hate me? When you can’t stand the sight of me? When you don’t want me around you, will you love me then?”
“Yes.” She had already proven that as well. His mouth covered hers again. Then he was pulling away from her, he drug a hand through his hair.
“I should go.” He said and she wanted to hit him.
“No you shouldn’t.” London said because at that moment she wanted him to be the man in charge.
“You should stay and tell me to get upstairs and get naked.” Because at that moment she needed him to make her complete.
“London.” It was clear that he wanted her as much as she wanted him, then his eyes closed.
“I am not wearing panties.” She just wanted him to open his eyes. That did it. He was moving toward her again, closing the small space that separated them. His mouth covered hers and she felt something else from him. He was torn between his desire for her and something else.
“London.” He whispered against her mouth. No matter what happened in the morning, she needed him tonight.
“I need you.” His kiss deepened and he was touching her. She felt his hands all over her.
“I want you so much.” He admitted against her lips. “I have never wanted someone so much in my life. I could tear your clothes off and have you right here.” That did not sound so bad to her.
“I tried to forget you, London, I did, but nobody gets to me like this. I want you.”
“Then have me.” That was all she wanted at that moment.
The kissing continued as he led the way to her bedroom. She did not want him controlled, she wanted him unhinged. She wanted the man that had made her feel so many things that weekend she had spent with him. When she was naked on the bed he stood over her just looking at her. She wondered if her belly was a turnoff for him.
“Does it change your mind?” She asked not really sure what else to say. Her hand was on the baby.
“Hell no, that’s mine and it makes me want you even more.” She liked the way his eyes lifted when he said those words to her. She could tell that he was holding back as he made love to her, and she wished she could tell him what she wanted from hi
m. Just being with him was going to have to be enough.
“Did I hurt you?” He asked as he came to lay behind her, his arm going around her. His hand resting on her belly.
“No, I wanted you to be a little more uncontrolled.” He turned her toward him and looked in her eyes.
“You want to tell me what you really want?” He was joking she could tell so she rolled her eyes at him. His hand was slowly moving across her stomach. She felt the little kick off to her right side and moved his hand to the spot. He did not say anything as they waited. When it came his eyes lit up, the smile covered his whole face.
“I love you.” Those words stopped her heart and she looked up at him. There was no way she heard him right. He brought his mouth to hers and kissed her.
Whiskey Tango Page 12
