Dreaming in Dairyland

by Kirsten Osbourne

  The child was covered with blood, but none of it seemed to be hers. "Are you all right?" he asked softly.

  "Mommy!" she cried, pointing toward the back of the store.

  Bob closed his eyes, trying to block out Chaynade's lifeless body. "I'll go see if she's okay. You wait here." He held his gun up, half expecting to see another perp, but instead he found a woman on the floor of the convenience store. She was unconscious, but alive. He pulled the radio off his shoulder, asking for three ambulances. He knew it was too late for Chaynade, but he refused to believe it. Just minutes ago, she'd been full of life. She couldn't be dead. It wasn't possible.

  Minutes later, the ambulances were there, alone with many police cars for backup. Bob held it together, helping the man behind the counter back to his feet.

  It wasn't until hours later, when he'd arrived home and explained to Tanya what had happened, that he'd fallen apart. Tanya, the girl he'd thought to spend the rest of his life with, had only responded with anger because he'd been late coming home, and he hadn't called. It was the beginning of the end for them.

  She hadn't been able to deal with his nightmares about Chaynade or his seemingly endless visits to the department shrink. She'd been angry about his leave of absence, telling him he needed to 'man up.'

  She'd only stayed for two months after the incident, refusing to be with a man who couldn't 'deal with reality.'

  When he'd tried to return to duty in Chicago, he'd been gripped by the sadness that came with losing someone close to him. He hadn't been able to do his job properly. Not wanting to give up being a cop, he'd talked to the shrink yet again, and it had been his idea to go to a small town somewhere. It was the perfect solution.

  Three months later, he'd been in Wisconsin. The nightmares had eased off to the point he was only having one or two a month. He could live with that.

  Bob sighed, shutting off the water. He'd have to call the department shrink in the morning. His nightmares had come back with a vengeance, and he needed help dealing with them. Again.

  Chapter Seven

  Cissie woke earlier than usual the following morning, and she was alone in bed. She started toward the kitchen to see where Bob was, hoping they could talk for a minute before she left. When she stood in the hallway, she could hear his voice, and he sounded upset.

  "The nightmares are getting worse again. I thought I had this mostly licked, doc." There was a pause as he waited for a reply. "Changed in my life? Yeah, I got married, but it can't have anything to do with Cissie. She's awesome." She could hear Bob moving around in the kitchen. It sounded like he was pouring himself a cup of coffee. "No, I haven't told her. How could I?" He was quiet for a moment. "Yeah, I know, but when I told Tanya, she left me. I love Cissie."

  Cissie leaned against the wall, closing her eyes. He wouldn't want her listening to his conversation, she knew, but obviously he was talking about his nightmares and something he didn't want her to know about. Why was he hiding something from her?

  "I guess I could start seeing a shrink here, but I'd rather not. You really think talking to her about it would kill the nightmares? I don't think so. I'd just start having nightmares that she'd leave me."

  That was enough for Cissie. She walked silently back to the bedroom and jumped in the shower. He was hiding something major from her, and she needed to know what it was. She'd tried to get Lachele to tell her, but she wouldn't. Who would then?

  After her shower, she found Bob and kissed him goodbye, noticing that he looked strained. "You know you can talk to me about anything, right?"

  He just looked at her, not responding to that. "Have a good day. I'll see you this evening. I started chili in the crock pot." He left without another word, closing the door firmly behind him.

  Cissie wanted to kick something. What was wrong with the man? He obviously cared about her, but there was something he was desperately afraid to tell her. Hadn't he learned yet that full disclosure was the way to keep her from getting angry?

  She walked into the kitchen and poured herself a cup of coffee, picking up her phone. "Hey, Cindy. Is Trey around? I have a question for him."

  When Trey got on the phone, she didn't waste any time with pleasantries. "You know you owe me, right? For keeping a big secret from me?" Starting the conversation that way would make him more willing to talk. She was sure of it.

  Trey sighed. "Of course. What do you want? My firstborn?" He sounded annoyed, but he agreed.

  "No, I don't like kids a whole lot. What do you know about Bob's past? Do you know why he has nightmares?" She knew asking wasn't the right thing to do, but she felt like he'd left her with no options.

  "Huh? Bob has nightmares? He doesn't seem like the type at all." His voice was baffled.

  Cissie sighed. "Okay. That's all I needed." She frowned. Now what? "Wait! Trey, are you still there?"

  "Yeah."

  "Will you ask him about them? Not specifically, but ask him about his past? Figure out what's going on? I need to know." She knew she was asking for a lot, but she felt like he owed it to her.

  Trey sighed heavily. "I have no idea how I'd go about doing that. You don't just go up to another guy and ask if he has nightmares."

  Cissie sighed. "I know that! Tell him you're having nightmares and see if he volunteers."

  "Cissie? No. You need to ask him yourself."

  "Fine!" She hung up the phone, drinking more of her coffee. Lachele had already refused to tell her, but she obviously knew. Why did everyone feel the need to keep the wife in the dark?

  She thought of little else at work that day. She did her paperwork, and ran around like a crazy woman as usual, but she couldn't stop worrying about Bob. Why wouldn't he tell her? What could he have done that would make him worried she'd leave him, but still let him be a cop?

  When she got home that evening, they had the chili he'd made, and she was once again impressed by his culinary prowess. After dinner, she did the dishes before suggesting they go for a walk.

  He shrugged. He seemed to her like someone had sucked the life out of him. She couldn't help but worry. He wasn't sleeping well because of the nightmares, and he was obviously worried she'd leave him while he was awake. They had to talk it out.

  She pulled on a light jacket emblazoned with the emblem of the Green Bay Packers, and he pulled on one with the Chicago Bears. "You need a real jacket," she joked. "I'm getting you Packers apparel for Christmas. Then you won't have to worry about getting lynched. You're a disgrace!"

  Bob just rolled his eyes, smiling slightly at her. "Won't wear it." He didn't care if he lived in Wisconsin now, he would always be true to the Bears. It was bad enough he'd married a Packers fan. He'd never guessed he'd be part of a mixed marriage.

  They walked hand in hand through the quiet streets. The bars were in the middle of town, but it was hours before closing time, so there was no real traffic. The population wasn't even big enough to have a convenience store.

  "I love how the air smells in the fall. People are starting to use their fireplaces and you can smell the wood burning." She looked up at the sky. "It's a pretty night." She loved looking at the stars, and thought for the hundredth time in her life that she should learn where the constellations were.

  He nodded. Her enthusiasm was infectious, as always. Her joy in life floored him at times. She was so different than Tanya, but so like Chaynade. "You always see the good side of everything."

  Cissie grinned. "Not always, but I try. People who dwell on the negative only make themselves and everyone around them miserable." She shrugged. "Sometimes it's hard, but it's worth it."

  He frowned. "Have you never been depressed?"

  "Maybe a little when I was in high school. Isn't everyone? I wasn't one of the most popular girls in school. Probably because I preferred to stay home and read romance novels instead of going to parties."

  He laughed. "I went to every party I was invited to."

  "Really? You were a wild child?" She couldn't picture him as a partier. />
  He shrugged. "Not really. I played sports, so I didn't drink or do drugs, but I liked to dance, and I really liked the girls."

  "I'm sure you did. You still do from what I can tell. Always thinking with that tallywacker of yours." She shook her head.

  Bob burst out laughing. "Tallywacker? I don't think anyone's used that word in at least thirty years!"

  "Cindy says it's what Trey calls his." She shrugged. She knew nothing about what men called their penises. She had just been so amused by the word tallywacker, she'd had to use it. Seeing him laugh filled her with joy.

  Bob stopped walking, and pulled her to him for a kiss. "Every day I fall in love with you a little bit more."

  "Because I use the word tallywacker?"

  "Because you remind me that no matter what's happened, what regrets you have, there's always something worth living for." He kissed her again, softly. "Thank you for that."

  "Do you want to tell me about your regrets?" she asked softly. "I'll tell you one if you'll tell me one." Maybe they could make a game of it, and he would forget, and tell her his big secret. She knew there was regret in it somewhere.

  He frowned for a moment, but nodded. "That sounds fair." He grabbed her hand again and kept walking.

  Cissie racked her brain for a real regret, but one that would be amusing at the same time. "Okay, when I was in junior high, there was this boy named Dale. He was a jerk to everyone but me, but he liked me. I knew he liked me. The whole world knew he liked me." She shrugged. "Well, anyway, I liked him back, but I was afraid to do anything about it. So one day I was walking home from school, and he came running up behind me, and he offered to carry my books."

  Bob nodded, listening. He could just picture her at that age with a boy following her everywhere. "Okay."

  "Well, he didn't really offer, he just tried to take them from me. So I fought with him over the books and kept my math book. And then I hit him with it, just as hard as I could on his shoulder." She'd later heard that he'd told someone he wanted to carry her books, or she never would have understood what he was doing.

  He grinned. "You were feisty even then, weren't you?"

  "My personality hasn't changed one bit. So anyway, he dropped my books and ran off, and he never liked me again." She lowered her voice to a whisper. "I've heard he's a Vikings fan now, and I'm sure it's all because of what I did to him." The last words were spoken so solemnly it was as if he had died as a result of what she'd done.

  Bob threw back his head and laughed. "I can see where you'd regret that forever." He thought hard. "Okay, here's my regret. Remember that girl I told you about? Lola?"

  "The one who stole your virginity in the back seat of your car in high school? No, not at all."

  He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and kept walking. "Well, when we graduated from high school, we were still hot and heavy. She went off to Notre Dame, and I went to the University of Chicago." He shrugged. "We kept in touch for our first semester, emailing constantly." He whispered. "Don't tell anyone, but I went to college without a cell phone!" A few kids at school had them when he'd gone, but it had been before the rage where everyone had to have one.

  She laughed. "I had one, but you're much older than me."

  "Yeah, eight whole years!" He shook his head. Sometimes, for all her sweetness, she could be one of the most obnoxious women he knew. "So anyway, we'd write every day at first, and then it got to be more like once a week. By Christmas vacation, I already had my eye on this other girl who went to school with me. But when we got home for Christmas vacation, I didn't tell Lola. I let her think everything was just the way it had been. I waited 'til she was away, and then I emailed her, telling her it was over between us."

  "Instead of telling her in person? Wow. You probably should have just hired a sky-writer." She could see that it wasn't the right thing to do, but it wasn't what was causing his nightmares.

  "Yeah, it was cold." He frowned.

  "Okay, I'll go again. Let me think." They walked to a small park and went in. They each took a swing, and faced each other as they talked, seeing well by the full moon. "When I was in high school, there was this girl who was really mean to Cindy. I mean, Cindy was kind of a nerd, and this girl thought it was her purpose in life to tell her every day how much everyone hated her."

  "She sounds pleasant."

  "Oh, she was. Her name was Melissa. She had perfect flowing blond hair and thought she was God's gift to the human race. Couldn't stand her." Cissie shook her head, her ponytail flying back and forth. "So anyway, she was dating this guy, who just so happened to be playing the lead opposite me in our school's production of 'Seven Brides for Seven Brothers.' We were constantly together for rehearsals."

  "Well, you would be. Did you like him?" Bob asked.

  "Not really. He was a jerk and really deserved her. Anyway, I got sick of how she was treating Cindy, so I decided to do something about it. I started flirting with him as much as possible during rehearsal."

  "What was his name?"

  "Steve. So, anyway, he started to like me. A lot. And I put everything I had into every one of those practice kisses." She grinned at him. "And I told him if he'd break up with Melissa, I'd rock his world." At the time she'd thought about playing rock music for him in the hall or even giving him a rock she'd drawn eyes, nose, horns, and maybe a mustache onto. But a handlebar mustache of course, because everyone knows rocks only have handlebar mustaches.

  "And did you rock his world?"

  She nodded. "So he broke up with her the next day. I led him over in front of her locker and made sure she saw us kissing. For three days before school and after school, we kissed in front of her locker. At lunch time, we made sure to sit close to the table she shared with her friends."

  "That's mean, but it sounds justified."

  "Yeah, but right after the play, when I knew I wouldn't be spending hours with him every day any more, I made sure we sat with her at lunch, and I told her what I'd done and why. Then I told Steve to find a real girlfriend. I got up and walked away. I don't regret what I did to Melissa, but Steve had never been anything but nice to me. He was a jerk to other people, and ended up dropping out of school when he got a girl pregnant, but none of that was stuff he did to me." She shrugged. "I should have found a way to hurt her without using someone else."

  Bob nodded. "High school girls do mean things sometimes. It's just what they do. Kids are the cruelest people around."

  Cissie nodded. "Your turn."

  Bob considered. "Sometimes I regret becoming a cop. I love what I do, but sometimes, I'm not sure if I'm cut out for it. You know?" He'd never said the words aloud before. He'd always at least pretended to be happy with his vocation. Before Chaynade, he'd loved what he did. Now, he wasn't so certain any longer.

  Cissie moved her swing closer to his, capturing the chains from his in her hands as she kissed him softly. "Make me a promise, Deputy Bob?"

  He caught her by the waist, pulling her up against him. "What's that?"

  "If you decide to stop being a cop, will you make sure you keep the uniform?" Her hands went inside his coat to stroke his chest. "I kind of like it."

  "So let me get this straight. You don't care if I do the job associated with the uniform as long as I wear it?" The woman had lost her ever-loving mind, but he wasn't surprised. She was happy with him, so she couldn't be right in the head.

  "Well, of course not!"

  "At least you're honest with me."

  "And all I ask in return is total and complete honesty. Simple, huh?" She waited to see if he'd tell her what he was dreaming about, but when he didn't she said, "I hope you know I won't leave you because of anything you might tell me."

  Bob frowned, not responding. She wanted to know about the dreams, and he wasn't ready to tell her. Someday she'd know everything, but by then, he hoped she would love him. Only love would keep them together.

  Cissie sighed, knowing her efforts had failed. Again.

  *****

 
When he started twitching in his sleep again that night, Cissie stroked his shoulder and kissed him softly, trying to calm him. When he woke, she could see the fear in his eyes. "You shouldn't touch me when I'm dreaming like that." What if he accidentally knocked her to the floor? He was strong. He worked out every day. He didn't want to risk her like that.

  Cissie shrugged. "Why? Do you think you'll hurt me? Are they violent dreams?"

  He sighed, scrubbing his hand over his face. "Stop pushing, okay?" He got out of bed and stalked to the bathroom slamming the door behind him. She heard the shower running and sighed.

  "Well, that didn't go well," she mumbled, getting out of bed and changing the sheets again. This time she took all the sheets from the hamper and carried them into the basement, throwing them into the washer. If she put them in the dryer before leaving for work, they'd have clean sheets for the next night. When she'd first seen his linen closet, she'd been surprised at the number of sheet sets he had. Now she understood. He only had a few days worth.

  She couldn't figure out what had happened. For a week he'd been fine, and then suddenly the dreams had started. Obviously, he'd been through them before. She just wished she could understand what caused them.

  She had just laid back down when he came out of the bathroom, a towel still in his hands. "Thanks for changing the sheets again."

  Cissie nodded slowly. She hadn't realized he'd noticed her changing them even once. "Are you sure you don't want to talk about it? I'm a good listener."

  He shook his head. "Not yet. I'm not ready." He wasn't sure if he ever would be.

  She nodded, reaching for him. "Am I allowed to at least be close to you after one of your dreams? I feel like you keep pushing me away."

  Bob closed his eyes for a moment before turning to her and holding her close. "I'd like that a lot." He didn't feel like he deserved to be comforted, but he'd take it. He needed it.