Never Can Say Goodbye

by Christina Jones

  ‘Oh, I do, dear.’ Cherish, seemingly unfazed, shed her scarlet hat, scarf and gloves and started to unbutton her coat. ‘It was Biddy.’

  ‘Biddy?’

  Cherish nodded. ‘She’s such a silly girl sometimes. Takes everything as gospel, and then of course, she’s such a gossiper. I told her it was all nonsense, of course.’

  ‘You knew?’

  ‘That Biddy was saying the shop was haunted, dear? Yes, of course I did.’

  ‘But who on earth told her?’

  ‘Maisie Fairbrother, dear. You know what a soppy-boots Maisie is – or maybe you don’t. But she is, dear. Always thinking she’s seen something. And, of course, she never has.’

  ‘And Maisie told Biddy my shop was haunted and Biddy told you?’

  ‘Yes, dear. It was too daft for words so I never said anything to you. Of course I told Biddy I’d never seen a ghost in this shop and she was being very silly to believe a word Maisie Fairbrother said, but there you go. So, what are you going to do? Let them in and have some fun?’

  Still stunned, Frankie looked at Cherish. Fun? Hardly … ‘Well, yes, that’s what I thought would be best. I mean, the ghost-hunters are here now, they’re not going to go away, and it might just stop all the, um, rumours.’

  Or, of course, it might start a whole lot more.

  Frankie sighed. ‘But Biddy … ? Oh, I’ll kill her.’

  ‘No you won’t dear.’ Cherish smiled gently. ‘You’re much too lovely to have harsh thoughts of that nature. I’ll go and put the kettle on now, shall I? And find lots of cups? They’ll all be proper shrammed out there, poor things.’

  ‘Er, yes, OK … And, Cherish, when they’re in here, you won’t say anything will you? About Biddy or Maisie or anyone thinking the place is haunted? Please.’

  ‘Of course not. You have my word, dear. I shall stay as silent as the grave.’

  Very, very unfortunate choice of phrase, Frankie thought. ‘Thank you … Oh, and you and Brian?’

  Cherish blushed, smiled, and shed about thirty years. ‘We’re good friends, dear. Best friends. We had such a lovely time together at Christmas. I hadn’t intended to stay over but his bungalow was so cosy and we were stuck into this jigsaw puzzle after we’d watched James Bond, and Brian said why didn’t he run me home to pack a little valise – well, he didn’t say valise, of course, dear – for a few days, and then I could make myself comfy in his spare room. Which –’ Cherish twirled off towards the kitchen ‘– is what I did.’

  Frankie, staring after her, for once couldn’t think of a single thing to say.

  Chapter Twenty-six

  The ghost-busters, led in their rival factions by Jackie and Alan, streamed into the shop. With cries of joy about the warmth and the mass of lovely dresses, rather than the presence of anything spectral, they fell happily on Cherish’s tea trays. Francesca’s Fabulous Frocks was very crowded.

  Jackie flexed her not inconsiderable arms. ‘Ah, I do sense you have an aura here,’ she said to Frankie. ‘And a feeling of resentment and some unhappiness. The spirits here are here against their will. They feel trapped. They want to be free. Have you had a dabbler mucking around with an amateur seance, by any chance?’

  ‘Er, no, certainly not,’ Frankie lied quickly.

  ‘Good.’ Jackie pursed her lips. ‘Because they can be very dangerous. Very dangerous indeed. And terribly unsettling for the spirits. They don’t know what’s happening to them and then they find themselves somewhere they don’t want to be and they can’t return to the afterlife and they become, well, restive and disruptive.’

  Tell me about it, Frankie thought. She smiled. ‘Why on earth would I have held a seance, for heaven’s sake? The shop definitely isn’t haunted.’

  She wasn’t going to admit anything about Maisie Fairbrother. Well, not unless it all went very wrong and they ended up in court for some reason and she was put under oath and then she might have to. She really, really hoped it wouldn’t come to that.

  Frankie smiled in what she hoped was a ‘how foolish this all is’ girly manner. ‘No, seriously, this haunting nonsense – it just seems to be based on some silly local rumour.’

  ‘Oh, I can assure you it’s far more than that. I agree with Jackie – there’s definitely something here,’ Alan said. ‘The feeling of discontent is very strong. I’d say, like Jackie, you have a spirit or spirits here who were brought here against their will, and want to be set free.’

  Frankie exhaled. It seemed as though Jackie and Alan might be a lot more clued up, ghost-wise, than Maisie Fairbrother. Which, of course, wouldn’t be difficult.

  ‘OK,’ Frankie said slowly, ‘and just supposing there are ghosts here – which I still refute – but just supposing, and just supposing they want to go back to … well, wherever ghosts come from, is that something you can do for it, um, them?’

  ‘Oh, yes,’ Jackie said cheerfully. ‘We’re always returning the unhappy undead to the afterlife. It’s one of our most rewarding missions.’

  Frankie felt a little frisson of hope.

  The Winterbrook and Willows Lacey groups stood quietly back behind their leaders. So far there had been no head-smiting or wailing or pendant-twirling at all. It was quite impressive.

  ‘What I’d like to suggest now is a little radical.’ Jackie raised her eyebrows at Alan. ‘But because the presence presenting itself here is so strong, I’d like to suggest that we join forces.’

  Alan pursed his lips. ‘Well, we do have very different methods, don’t we? But, yes, it makes sense to do a joint one-off spiritual cleansing. Just so long as we work as equals. No rank-pulling?’

  ‘Oh, absolutely.’ Jackie nodded her beanie hat and turned to the assembled ghost-hunters behind her. ‘Right – Oh, please, ladies, leave the frocks alone! We’re not here for the frocks, are we?’

  Shame-faced, several women shuffled away from the rails.

  ‘Good girls. Now –’ Jackie looked rather excited ‘– we’re going to be working with the Willows Lacey people. Alan and I will take joint control. You must all send your vibes to us both to make this work. I want no squabbling.’

  Everyone nodded their woolly hats obediently.

  ‘Now –’ Alan beamed at Frankie ‘– if you and the tea lady could leave us and lock the shop on your way out, we’ll get to work.’

  ‘No you won’t.’ Frankie frowned. ‘I’m quite happy to lock up to prevent anyone coming in and any of this total nonsense spreading any further and ruining my business, but I’m going nowhere. I’m staying put.’

  ‘But –’ Jackie spoke loudly and slowly as if to a slightly dim child ‘– it might not work with you here. The spirits might take against you.’

  Oh, no they won’t, Frankie thought.

  She shook her head. ‘As I don’t believe there are any spirits here, then I’m sure they won’t. But I think it might be better if Cherish went. I don’t want her to be frightened.’

  ‘I won’t be frightened, dear,’ Cherish said robustly. ‘It’s quite exciting.’

  ‘No, really,’ Frankie said. ‘Please, Cherish. You get wrapped up again and go and help Brian with the flowers, and if you could ask Dexter to come and join me?’

  Cherish brightened at the thought of helping Brian. ‘All right, dear. Won’t be a jiff.’

  Once Cherish had been muffled up and slithered across the snow-packed cobbles to Brian and the flower stall, and Dexter had taken her place in the shop, Alan and Jackie removed their puffa coats and started to pace round the frock rails.

  A lot of the eyes beneath the assorted woolly hats gazed lustfully at Dexter.

  ‘Concentrate, ladies, please!’ Jackie snapped.

  Frankie giggled.

  ‘Cherish filled me in,’ Dexter whispered as he hauled himself up on to the counter beside Frankie. ‘She thinks it’s all silly, of course, but then she doesn’t know what we know, does she? What do you reckon?’

  ‘They seem to know what they’re doing more than Maisie – which w
ouldn’t be hard – and they haven’t done any wailing or waved pendants or lit candles or anything, so, so far, I’m quite impressed.’

  ‘But will Ernie be?’

  ‘Oh, I hope so. Obviously I want all the ghosts to go back, but for Ernie it’s so important.’ She looked at Jackie. ‘Sorry?’

  ‘I was just asking for a little hush, if you don’t mind. No chattering. If you insist on being here then I’d really like you to be quiet.’

  ‘Bossy,’ Dexter whispered. ‘Why are all these ghosty people so bossy?’

  ‘Shush!’ Jackie admonished sternly.

  Frankie and Dexter looked at one another and tried not to giggle.

  ‘Of course,’ Alan said, ‘it would be more effective at night. In the dark. I’ve never had a spirit materialise for me in daylight.’

  ‘We’re several steps up on him, then,’ Dexter whispered.

  ‘Shush!’ Jackie, still pacing, hissed.

  Alan suddenly stopped by the changing rooms and touched the curtains. ‘I feel something here. Oh, yes, definitely. If you’re here, trapped soul, then make yourself known to us. We come in friendship to help you.’

  ‘Er, yes,’ Jackie put in quickly, clearly not wanting to lose ground to a rival. ‘We know you’re unhappy. We want to make your crossing-over peaceful and easy. We have the spiritual powers to make this happen.’

  There was absolute silence. Then the curtains twitched.

  ‘Peep-bo, dear hearts!’ Jared, still in full Christmas garb, pranced out. ‘You’ve found me! And much as I love all these frocks I’d be really happy to leave now. I’m bored.’

  Jackie and Alan were open-mouthed.

  ‘Do you reckon,’ Dexter whispered, ‘that they’re shocked rigid because they’ve got a ghost, or because of the way he looks?’

  ‘The latter.’ Frankie chuckled. ‘Er … ’ Jackie cleared her throat.

  The rest of the group just stared.

  Alan strode forwards towards Jared. ‘Don’t be frightened. I can tell you’re a bewildered spirit. We’re here to release you.’

  ‘Oh, goody, dear hearts.’ Jared clasped his hands. ‘I can’t wait.’

  ‘And neither can I.’ Bev walked out from behind the 1980s rails.

  ‘Oh, my!’ Alan looked ecstatic. ‘This is the most wonderful day of my life!’

  ‘Yes, that’s as maybe,’ Bev said, frowning, ‘but if you can send us back to our other world please just get a move on.’

  Jackie looked as though she wanted to scamper on the spot.

  The remainder of the ghost-busters just gaped.

  ‘Going well,’ Frankie hissed to Dexter.

  ‘So, restless spirits.’ Jackie cleared her throat. ‘Our minds are in tune with yours. Our wishes are your wishes. Our powers are attuned and ready to help you. Everyone here wants what you want to send you on your final journey. Don’t we, friends?’

  The ghost-hunters collective, who were clutching each other in joy, nodded their woolly hats as one.

  Alan bowed his head and closed his eyes.

  ‘Is he praying?’ Dexter queried.

  ‘I don’t know about him, but I am.’ Frankie sighed. ‘Still no sign of Ernie though. Maybe he’s just too new to come through like this.’

  ‘Restless spirits. Unhappy souls,’ Alan intoned. ‘I feel your sadness trapped here by earthly bonds. I’m cutting those bonds. Now!’

  ‘And you shall be free!’ Jackie did a sort of Freddie Mercury flourish with her arms. ‘Free to return from whence you came!’

  ‘Go now!’ Alan said firmly. ‘Leave us and go! For ever!’ Jared gave a little shriek, started to wave goodbye to Frankie and then, in a spiral of multicoloured ether and sprinkling of twinkling stars, vanished, his voice growing ever distant.

  ‘Christ.’ Dexter swallowed.

  ‘Now me.’ Bev looked bored. ‘Don’t hang about.’

  ‘Yes – go and be free!’ Jackie said loudly. ‘Rest in peace for eternity!’

  And Bev too, waved and smiled and then, with the same glorious sparkling mist shrouding the shop, simply spiralled away.

  Frankie was speechless.

  How could it be that easy? Oh, Ernie would be delighted. Jackie and Alan looked at one another and exhaled. The ghost-busters collective simply beamed.

  ‘But,’ Alan puffed, clearly exhausted, ‘I’m still getting the feeling that—’

  ‘There’s something or someone else?’ Jackie muttered. ‘Me too, Alan. Come sad spirits – show yourselves and let us set you free.’

  The 1960s frocks started to undulate and dance.

  ‘Please God – or whoever – let them get Ernie,’ Frankie whispered.

  ‘Oooh dear.’ Alan jumped as Gertie, still very grey and withered despite the sunflower dress, simpered at him. ‘Ah.’

  Jackie, trying not to look too horrified, swallowed. ‘Welcome dear, spirit. Let us send you back over to the other side.’

  ‘Nice.’ Gertie nodded. ‘That’d be lovely, ta very much. I’ve had a nice time here, but like the others, enough’s enough, and I’ve got me nice frock and shoes to show me old man.’

  ‘And me.’ Ruby skipped out from between the rails. ‘And me! I want to go too!’

  ‘Lord above!’ Alan clapped his hands. ‘This is better than when we did Marchants Abbey. We only got two then and we thought we’d hit the jackpot.’

  ‘We got three grey ghosts at Marchants Abbey, actually,’ Jackie preened. ‘Didn’t we, boys and girls?’

  The Winterbrook woolly hats all nodded smugly.

  ‘This is no time for boasting,’ Alan said testily. ‘We need to send these ladies back to a happier place and free them from their earthly shackles.’

  The intoning, gesturing and praying were much the same as before.

  The mist swirled again, the stars danced and twinkled, the ether spiralled.

  And, calling cheery farewells, Ruby and Gertie faded away.

  ‘You know,’ Dexter said softly as the ether cleared, ‘I think I’m going to miss Gertie.’

  Frankie sighed. ‘I know. Stupidly, I’m going to miss all of them.’

  ‘There now.’ Jackie looked exhausted, but very self-satisfied as she nodded towards Frankie. ‘No ghosts in this shop, eh? Well, I must say that was a very impressive session, Alan. Thank you for your help.’

  ‘Not a problem.’ Alan, red-faced, was all puffed up like a turkey cock. ‘A great joint effort there, Jackie, and one we’ll be talking about in our meetings for a long time to come I think.’

  Frankie, still slightly stunned, took a deep breath. ‘Well, er, I don’t know what to say … Er, clearly you were right and I was wrong. Thank you for, um, setting them free, but I’m sure … well, that is, there must be another ghost … ’

  Jackie roared with laughter. ‘From sceptic to expert in thirty seconds. Always the same. No, they’ve all gone now, love. I can’t feel anything at all, can you, Alan?’

  ‘No, not a thing. No spiritual presence whatsoever. Your shop is no longer haunted. Although I must say, it was one of the liveliest manifestations I’ve ever witnessed. We will, of course, keep this to ourselves. We are, as a society, sworn to secrecy about our activities.’

  ‘Absolutely,’ Jackie agreed, pushing her chunky arms back into her puffa coat. ‘We couldn’t do what we do if people chattered about it. So, we won’t say what happened here, and you no longer have to worry about people being frightened when they come in to buy frocks.’

  ‘I don’t think anyone actually ever was,’ Frankie said hotly, ‘but are you sure there’s no one else here? Really sure?’

  The collective were shuffling out of the door, clearly delighted with the morning’s successful ghost-hunting entertainment.

  ‘My dear girl.’ Alan was now at his most pompous. ‘You’ve just witnessed what we can do. We’ve freed all your earthbound spirits. In broad daylight to boot.’

  ‘Yes,’ Frankie said conversationally. ‘Why is that, by the way? Why do all hauntings and ghost-busti
ngs have to be at night? Surely, if a place is haunted, it’s haunted. Twenty-four seven. There’d be ghosts there all the time. Ghosts wouldn’t know if it was dark or light, dawn or dusk, would they? They’d just haunt. As, um, the ones in the shop were clearly doing. But you never see any of those Haunt My House telly programmes showing spook-spotters rambling around on a lovely summer’s day, do you?’

  ‘Well, er, no,’ Alan blustered. ‘I don’t suppose you do. Not that we associate ourselves with the commercial side of things, of course.’

  ‘So, this dead-of-midnight stuff is all for effect really is it?’

  ‘No it certainly isn’t.’ Jackie looked a bit uncomfortable. ‘It just helps the atmosphere along, that’s all.’

  Frankie smiled. ‘OK, I just wondered. And you’re both sure there isn’t anyone, um, ghostly left here, are you?’

  Alan puffed himself up again. ‘As you’ve seen, we are extremely in tune with all things spiritual – so do you honestly think I wouldn’t know if there was a presence left behind?’

  ‘Precisely,’ Jackie echoed. ‘Your shop is now as clean as a whistle, ghost-wise. And I for one could do with a nice hot bath and a peanut butter bap.’

  ‘Sounds good to me,’ Alan said with a smirk.

  And the door closed behind them.

  Dexter and Frankie looked at one another in dismay.

  ‘Sod and buggeration.’ Ernie frowned, appearing from his usual post beside the 1950s frocks. ‘Looks like I’ve missed the bloody boat – again.’

  Chapter Twenty-seven

  After the ghost-busting session, life in Kingston Dapple went on much as normal. Francesca’s Fabulous Frocks did a roaring pre-New Year trade in party dresses, and Dexter was kept busy with customers wanting masses of bright flowers to liven up the gloom of the downbeat post-Christmas period.

  The freeze continued and the snow stayed put. Everyone who’d been delighted to see it fall was now heartily sick of slipping and sliding and being cold, and just wished it would melt.

  The New Year came and went, and Frankie went to Clemmie, Guy and YaYa’s party with all her girlfriends and their partners. She invited Dexter and he said he’d love to go, but had something else that had to be done over the New Year break that couldn’t be put off, and he wouldn’t be in Kingston Dapple.