The She-Hulk Diaries

by Acosta, Marta

  “Honestly? Confused. I don’t feel her sensations as if they’re my own, but she enjoyed it. The kiss isn’t relevant about his feelings for Amber. When Shulky decides to kiss a man, he’s always thrilled to reciprocate.”

  “Hon, you act like you’ve got nothing to offer. But Dr. Stunning’s definitely interested, and Ellis wrote over a dozen songs about you. The Gin Cycle.”

  “He wrote over a dozen songs using Gin as a default name for groupies. I’ve been entirely over Ellis Tesla forever, except as a Fringe Theory fan. Besides, he thinks I’m a socially inept girl who has sex with coworkers in closets.”

  “What!”

  “Add that to your list of questions,” I said. “Good night and sweet dreams!”

  GRIEVANCE

  FEBRUARY 22

  I called the Mansion and reported the incident. Finally got to bed and couldn’t sleep for thinking about everything that had happened.

  THE GOOD

  Great time with Sven and got to go to cool club!

  Sven could be PFLOML, is single, and seems interested

  Shulky stopped assailants from kidnapping/hurting Sven and others

  Relieved to finally tell Dahlia the truth

  Ellis Tesla lives!

  Kiss was OMG! Amazing!

  THE BAD

  Maybe Probably Have put Dahlia in danger by letting her in on secret

  Difficult to feel relaxed around Sven, and his client status forestalls any other relationship

  Why did Ellis kiss Shulky back if he’s engaged to the hammerhead, and why do I even care?

  Sven still in danger since most assailants escaped

  Ellis’s flash paper made me remember the lyrics to Fringe Theory’s “Game Theory.”

  I thought I was wise to game theory

  I could see my lovers’ schemes so clearly

  A little heat with each girl and bounce to the next

  A little fun, a few laughs, hey, it was just sex

  It all balanced out, a zero-sum equation,

  And I’m alone to blame for the conflagration

  Cuz I threw Gin carelessly onto the embers

  Not expecting ignition with my heart so inert

  Thought I was a player, but I was just a jerk

  I lost all equanimity and equilibrium

  And I burn, I burn, I burn

  To make love to her again

  Why did he use my name—my alleged name—in all those songs? The lyrics couldn’t be about me, because I am not a sex goddess or femme fatale. Because if he was singing about me, he would have called.

  7:00 A.M.

  Day 8 of New Resolutions!

  Before work, I turned on the TV and checked online news sites. Headlines read NIGHTCLUB ATTACKERS NOT PLAYING NICE! and SHULKY RULES THE CLUB NICE PLAYGROUND. I turned off the show when the announcer said, “And now for our Cute-Clip-of-the-Day about a friendly furry-tailed rat that’s delighting tourists at Rockefeller Plaza!”

  I called Patty Palmieri to see what she’d learned. She wasn’t in yet, but I talked to Detective Mike Washington, who told me that they’d apprehended the men in one of the Hummers.

  He said, “They talked because they have nothing to tell. They were supposed to abduct Morigi unharmed, drive him toward JFK, and they’d receive further instructions en route. We traced their contact number to a Chechnya origin, but it was a burner and we lost the trail. You were with Dr. Morigi before the attack, right?”

  I told him the essentials and said, “Mike, if the purpose was merely to intimidate Dr. Morigi, the thugs wouldn’t have been instructed to take him to the airport. If the purpose was to silence him, they could have simply killed him.”

  He asked me if I had any theories, and I said that I didn’t like to jump to conclusions, but it was possible that some individual or group wanted to use his genius for nefarious purposes.

  Mike told me that Patty already suspected as much and that the Feds were consulting on the case.

  When I mentioned that I was glad to have left the club before the invasion, Mike gave a warm huh-huh-huh laugh. “Counselor, for a lady who says she doesn’t like danger, you sure seem to always get yourself in prickly situations.”

  “Prickly situations are all around,” I said. “I guess that comes with living at the center of all superhuman activity in the known universe.”

  “Could be,” he said. “Even if we don’t find out any more about these mopes, we’re glad to get them off the street. Me or Patty will give you a holler if we find out anything else.”

  As soon as I got to my office, I called Sven.

  SR: Jennifer, you got out of the club just in time last night.

  ME: I heard the news. Where are you now? Are you safe?

  SR: My building is secure and I’ve employed round-the-clock bodyguards. I’ll be fine.

  ME: I’m so relieved that those criminals didn’t harm you.

  SR: I wanted to confront them, but your colleague Amber Tumbridge kept me from stepping forward. She-Hulk saved us all. She’s really quite magnificent. I do wish she hadn’t left so abruptly. I didn’t have the opportunity to thank her for thwarting the abduction attempt. She’s a friend of yours, isn’t she?

  ME: We’ve worked on cases together. Her legal prowess is as impressive as her physical strength. She can be reached via the Avengers Mansion.

  SR: I’ll send a thank-you note since we were not introduced. I am grateful to our superheroes, and you’ll think me very dull, Jennifer, to be more intrigued with small miracles of biomedicine than the exotic mutations of superhumans.

  When I hung up, I stared out the window at the gloomy day. I was glad that Sven seemed to prefer me to Shulky, but my thoughts kept getting diverted to Ellis fighting by her side. And the kiss. And that one weekend.

  I continued obsessing about Ellis during my update with Amber. She went through a proposed list of depositions, and I thought I’d escaped without her talking about Club Nice, but as she gathered her notes, she said, “You neglected to take proper precautions with a high-priority client. Dr. Morigi was almost abducted last night. I had to hold him back because he intended to give himself up to the kidnappers to protect innocent bystanders. It’s a wonder that he escaped unscathed.”

  “I spoke with Dr. Morigi this morning, and he said that She-Hulk quickly had everything under control.”

  “It was mere happenstance that her nightlife activities took her to Club Nice. The situation might have been resolved using diplomacy, but that trashy superhuman pole-dancer began destroying the room and assaulting people,” Amber said, throwing her spin on things. “She wrecked any chance at negotiation.”

  “I don’t think the attackers had any incentive to negotiate.”

  “How could you know, since you had already abandoned Dr. Morigi before they arrived? I assure you that there was ample opportunity to calm the situation.” Amber stood and used her left hand to brush her hair back. If my conversations with her were seen as a poker game, her tell would be the way she showed her ring off when she was putting me down.

  I counted to ten, because I didn’t want my skin to take on a minty hue, and then told her that Sven had around-the-clock protection.

  “It would have been better to avoid endangering him in the first place,” she smeered and turned to leave the room. “Obviously.”

  7:30 P.M.

  I had to kick Dahlia out. She came here with Rodney, ugh, and a loooong list of questions that she wants me to answer, including:

  Q: How does Shulky get those gorgeous on-trend Hollywood waves in her hair? Didn’t she have a different style a few years back? What products does she use?

  A: I don’t know. She doesn’t do anything—her hair just seems to change with current fashion.

  Q: If you are aware of being inside Shulky, is she aware of being inside you?

  A: She has limited consciousness inside of me, but I can’t tell if it’s because she’s not really paying attention or because she’s in a state similar to suspende
d animation—which feels really ooky by the way—until she’s needed.

  Q: Has Shulky ever fallen in love with the same man as you?

  A: She falls in lust but doesn’t fall in love. We have different tastes. She really likes muscle-bound dudes.

  Q: Tell me the truth: is she your best friend?

  A: Shulky is like a crazy sister. I love her and I’m stuck with her no matter what. You’re my best friend.

  Dahlia saw my muslin mock-up of my LadyGreene costume for the Forestiers May battle games, and she said, “I don’t understand why you’re playing this pretend game when you’re already She-Hulk.”

  “I don’t have control over Shulky, so it’s entirely different. Besides, having a more balanced social life is one of my Valentine’s Day Resolutions. I was fanatical about Robin Hood when I was a kid. My cousin and I would act out scenes in the backyard. I like the make-believe.”

  “Like my childhood connection to Barbie?”

  “No, your relationship to Barbie is dark and twisted.”

  Dahlia rolled her chartreuse eyes, and I told her, “I wish you wouldn’t do that with those contacts. You look totally possessed.”

  She repeated the crazy eye roll and said, “I bet that there’s something dark and twisted in your fantasy sword-and-sorcery, too. Do you know that my autocorrect changes Shulky to Sulky every time? Does anyone ever call you Sulky? Because you act that way so often.”

  “I’m not sulky, and no one calls She-Hulk that more than once.”

  “You are so sulky. I’ve just thought of more questions for you.”

  “Save them. Nelson and I are going to a fight-scene workshop for LARPers.”

  “Like I said, dark and twisted,” Dahlia said.

  I ran to Johnny & Buggy’s Diner, which wasn’t far away, and people stared at me because I was carrying my shield and weapon. Nelson was waiting out front with a very convincing broadsword. He looked so much happier than the first time I’d met him.

  I told him, “I think you’ll like my friend Amy Stewart-Lee, whose sign-on is DamaskRose. We worked together in the district attorney’s office, and she’s one of the people I can always trust for thoughtful, smart advice. She said it was okay to tell you her real-life identity.”

  “I noticed her character profile. She’s got a cute avatar.”

  “She is cute and sort of wry, I guess. She’s serious but doesn’t take herself too seriously.”

  “Is this a setup?”

  “Only if you like each other. If not, we’re all just making new friends.”

  When we went inside, Amy caught our attention by waving and calling, “Hail, fair lady and sir! Well met, and let us anon to the dungeon to commence our jousting pantomimes—but without our noble steeds.”

  Amy was dressed in camouflage cargos and a plum wool sweater with a crimson silk rose pinned to it. She wore her ink-black hair in cute braids. I introduced her to Nelson, and they smiled at each other in a promising way. He was about three inches taller than she was.

  “You have a beautiful smile,” Nelson told Amy, and she returned the compliment.

  We headed downstairs to join the other LARPers, and she said, “I am hopeful that thee will forgiveth me for I am but a poor speaker of the Queen’s English, but my goode intentions counteth more than actual preciseness or accuracy.”

  “Oh, DamaskRose, your words are as sweet as your personage is comely, and I beg that you will speak on.”

  Holy cow—Nelson had Medieval game!

  The class leader gave us instructions in stage fighting and role-playing, and then we improvised. Halfway into the class, he took me aside. “LadyGreene, your talent at swordplay is admirable, but where’s the drama? Think about your character and what you’re feeling. Let your face and body language express your emotions and don’t be afraid to be dramatic and vocalize.”

  “One of my coaches doesn’t like it when I say kapow!” I admitted.

  The teacher grinned and said, “You are in a safe zone for a well-timed fie or huzzah!”

  “Excellent,” I said. I even let myself be injured so I could enact a heartbreaking scene with Amy applying a poultice, and everyone clapped afterward. I didn’t meet any candidates for PFLOML, but I’d had fun. Nelson and Amy stayed to have a drink in the bar, so all in all, the evening was a terrific success.

  FEBRUARY 28

  Two weeks into my resolutions and everything is going fantastic, including my new friendship with Fritz. I have forty-six days left to give him an answer about an uncomplicated sexual partnership. It really doesn’t seem like that much time.

  He met me at 7:00 a.m. for my Krav Maga class. He picked up basics very quickly for someone who has never done any martial arts. Azzan nodded and told him, “Good balance. Good reactions. Good instincts.” He turned to me and said, “This one I like. Sign him up for my beginner class.”

  Fritz was beaming afterward, and I said, “Don’t look so happy. He may try to recruit you as an international assassin.”

  He grinned and asked if I’d thought about his colleagues-with-benefits proposal.

  “Actually, I’ve been really busy.”

  “Which is exactly why we’d be a good match activity-wise. I could be Kato to your Green Hornet, but once you pinned me down, we’d take off our clothes.” He waggled his pale eyebrows, and I started laughing.

  “You’re sweetening the deal,” I said.

  “I can also throw in shiatsu massage.”

  “You know shiatsu massage?”

  “No, but my masseuse does out calls. Let’s get a Joocey Jooce.” He pointed at the shop on the corner, with a line trailing out to the street.

  “We have it at the office.”

  “It’s not the same,” Fritz said and shrugged one shoulder. “It’s different in the paper cup with the logo.”

  He was right. There was something different about the bottled drink at QUIRC compared to the smoothies in the shops with their smiling counter clerks and customers. I told him to go on without me and headed into work on my own. I didn’t need to confirm any gossip about us by showing up with him in the morning.

  As I walked to the office, a man strode by me, carelessly dropping a crumpled newspaper on the pavement. Jerk. I picked it up, folded it neatly, and set it atop the trash bin in case someone else wanted to read it.

  I met with the General to review medical fraud case histories. We waded through documents and photos of malformed babies and patients in wheelchairs. It was depressing. Tomorrow I’m going to the hospice to visit the little girl whose ReplaceMax heart is degrading.

  At around seven, my vision blurred from straining to read thousands of tiny footnotes, and I knew I needed to go home. I’d put drops into my eyes, and they were watering as I went down to the lobby. I was looking at the freezing mess of darkness outside the building’s entrance when I saw Ellis come through the doors.

  I graciously approached him was about to run and hide, but he spotted me. I pulled off my glasses, wiped at my eyes, shoved my glasses back on, and went to say hello.

  “Good evening, Ellis, how are you?” I kept thinking of the kiss, the solidity of his body, and the slip and slide of his tongue against Shulky’s.

  “Fine, thank you. Amber tells me you’ve been named lead on the case against ReplaceMax.”

  I saw the same spark in his eyes that Shulky had seen when they’d fought together. I wanted to reach into his jacket to see if he had flash paper. I wanted to reach into his pants and see if he had other things.

  I said, “Yes, I am. I’m determined to see that Maxwell Kirsch and the ReplaceMax directors are called to account for their malfeasances.” My arms seemed freakishly long, and the skin at the back of my neck prickled. I curled my fingers so he couldn’t see the jagged edges of my bitten nails.

  “You’re wrong.” His dark eyes met mine. “You’re wrong. I told my father and I told Amber. Max Kirsch is a good man and ReplaceMax is doing vital medical research.”

  “I agree that Dr.
Morigi was conducting important research when he was at ReplaceMax. I know that Max Kirsch is your friend—”

  “He’s not just a friend. I’ve consulted for ReplaceMax.” Ellis took a step closer and my breath caught. He said in a quieter voice, “Don’t you remember? Xam Archimedes. He was our drummer, Ginny.”

  Instead of correcting him, I said, “Max is the Xam Man?” The nickname came to me out of nowhere.

  “One and the same. I’d trust him with my life. Drop the case.”

  Why hadn’t QUIRC documents mentioned Ellis’s consulting? Why hadn’t Amber told me? “People look away from information that they don’t want to know, especially when deniability can be profitable. Do you own shares in ReplaceMax, Ellis?”

  His look turned stony. “Ms. Walters, when we met—the second time we met—you talked a good game about working for the public benefit—but I’m assuming you were merely reeling off your talking points. Just because your ethics can be compromised, if you ever had any, don’t assume that everyone can be bought.”

  He walked away and I stood shell-shocked. Stand up for yourself, I thought, so I hurried to him quickly. I reached out for him, saying, “That’s unjustified!” and my heel skittered on the polished marble floor, and I fell right into him.

  He caught me.

  For a moment, his hands gripped my arms. Our faces were an inch apart, I could feel the warmth of his breath on my cheek, and I remembered the taste of his mouth, the rumble of his laughter, the rough calluses on his fingers brushing my skin.

  I became aware that I was clutching Ellis. I released my grip and pulled away. “I’m representing Dr. Morigi because I believe he’s not only right, he’s noble. He’s saving people from being hurt by ReplaceMax at great cost, both personally and financially. The evidence will prove it.” I heard my voice rising as I said, “If you think I’ve sold out, then you have no goddamn idea who I am!”

  His expression was unreadable, and he continued to gaze into my eyes. After long seconds, he said, “No, I guess I don’t.” Then he turned and walked away.