The She-Hulk Diaries

by Acosta, Marta

  MAY 28

  I stayed at Dahlia’s condo the night before the Mayfest weekend. I tried on the costume she’d made and said, “It’s too bad my sewing machine got destroyed in the explosion. I was going to learn to sew.”

  “Please, Jen, kindly stop talking shit about homemaking skills. You’re a superhero and a top-level attorney. Focus on that.”

  I stood in front of the mirror wearing my forest-green tunic, tights, leather and velvet slippers, breastplate, and cape.

  D adjusted my gold-braid headband and said, “I’ve got something for you.” She went to a drawer and pulled out something wrapped in tissue. “Close your eyes and sit down.”

  I did what I was told because she was in a bossy mood. She brushed my hair, lifted it, and pinned and arranged it for several minutes.

  “Okay, look in the mirror,” she said.

  She’d added long pieces to my hair, so that glossy waves flowed below my waist.

  “Oh, D! It’s so pretty.”

  “You’re so pretty.”

  I took off my glasses. “Ladies didn’t wear glasses in the Middle Ages. Should I try my contacts again?”

  “You’re not the only one who gives advice to clients, Jen. I always tell mine, ‘Find a signature look and stick with it.’ ”

  MAY 29

  Amy and Nelson gave me a lift to the Mayfest battle games outside Woodstock. They sat in the front of the car and kept holding hands and smiling at each other. I was glad things had worked out for them. If I hadn’t been trying to follow one Valentine’s Day Resolution—find a boyfriend—I wouldn’t have met Nelson and made a new friend. So things worked out for me, too.

  A series of narrow lanes and turns led us to a sprawling farm property with a red-and-blue satin banner reading, WELCOME, MAYFEST CELEBRANTS! We all signed in at the registration table, and then Nelson and Amy went off giggling to the B&B where they were staying.

  I asked, “Is anyone else from my team here?”

  The man in a gray roughcloth-and-leather yeoman’s costume said, “A new member of your folk is working on the castle battlements.” He pointed on the map. “You’re in the Marigold Coop, which is here.” He indicated squares on the map.

  “I’m in a co-op? But I reserved a private space.”

  He smiled. “Not co-op. Coop. The cottages are renovated chicken coops, but they’re very comfortable and pretty, so the maids say.”

  I followed the map and found a small white structure with a porch. The walls inside were painted yellow, and the bed had a white coverlet. The only other furniture was a table with two wooden chairs. If I hulked out here, the whole place would come down.

  I changed into my costume and walked through the verdant fields. I could hear birds singing and the rush of a creek nearby. Ahead was a stand of trees, and as I walked toward it, I saw a team in black-and-red costumes practicing a jousting scenario. A little farther along, I ran across teenagers dressed as minstrels who were swinging across a gully on a rope.

  When one fell into the muddy water, his team laughed in a good-natured way, and I applauded his awesome emoting. Everyone looked magical and wonderful.

  “Fair lady, where art thee headed?” asked a woman dressed as a farmer’s wife.

  “I am to Lyncolnewoode to meet with my good fellows.”

  “Oh, they hath a most valiant knight, who now prepares the castle against the king’s forces, which will arrive tomorrow. You will find him yonder, past the largest oak. God keep us in these perilous times.”

  “I thank you, kind mistress. Fare thee well.”

  I slowed down as I walked through the shrubberies, wishing that I had some carpentry skills so I could help. For my next Valentine’s Day Resolutions, I would add practical skills, and by the year’s end I would be able to fix a sink, make a pot roast, and build a coffee table.

  A tall man with broad shoulders was reinforcing a balcony column with a wooden brace. His dark hair was long and curled at his nape. He wore a silver tunic on which was a gray hawk against a black background, and his tights and shirt were green—the green of the forest, the green of She-Hulk, the green of those who risked their lives to defend the powerless.

  He looked really hunky and brawny, really capable even from behind. Speaking of which, what a fantastic behind!

  “Sir Knight!” I called.

  He turned around and we both froze as our eyes met.

  “Lady Greene,” he said, and we each took a step closer.

  “Yes, I am she,” I said, though I could barely speak, or believe that I was meeting him here. I did a small curtsy.

  His dark beard made his smile rakish and seductive, and his longer hair made him look wild and woodsy. “Do not be so formal, good lady, for you know how I feel. Verily, I have proclaimed my love for you so many times.” He took another step toward me. “I have proclaimed my love in every way you have come to me—when you are Gin or Jen, or Jenny, or She-Hulk.”

  He reached and took my hand in his. He kissed it. “You must have a sorceress’s blood, my lady, because you always bewitched and bewildered me. I did not comprehend how my love could be so diffuse. It was as if I was trapped in a hall of mirrors. Each aspect of you captured my heart, and I was misled into thinking that I loved many women, when it was always you.”

  “Good dear Sir Knight, I thought ’twas you who had magics, for I loved you first as cataclysmic Ellis Tesla, then as amiable, affectionate Big E, and as angsty, smoldering Ellis. Do you still have feelings for me?”

  “Indeed, my lady, and I have always carried your favor,” he said, reaching into his tunic and pulling out a scrap of lace-edged pink silk.

  My stolen panties!

  I blushed over my entire body. “Oh! Ellis, do we have to keep talking like this?”

  “Let’s not talk. Let your body tell me how you feel.” He returned the panties to his pocket and took me in his strong arms, and he smelled the way I remembered. Then his mouth came to mine, and his lips were as eager as I remembered. And our lips parted, and his mouth tasted the way I remembered.

  And the rest of the world fell away.

  MAY 31

  Ellis had rented a house nearby, which was good because Shulky—I mean I could cause a ruckus when I was in my superhuman form. I am proud to say that I banged that big man harder than a porch door.

  Dahlia had plotted everything with Nelson and Amy. D was an excellent plotter, and she and Adam showed up after Saturday’s skirmishes, when there was a bonfire and entertainments. On Sunday, while in the heat of battle with the king’s forces, Ellis and I clambered up the ladder to the castle parapets. We cried havoc and fought side by side.

  We decided to stay another day. After all, he was his own boss and I didn’t have a job.

  We were walking out in the night, looking at the starry sky, and he said, “What do you want me to call you?”

  “Call me whatever you like.”

  “You’re still Gin in my heart.”

  “Then call me that.”

  “Good, because it rhymes well and I plan to write more songs,” he said. “Amber hated the band. I need to tell you some things.”

  “That’s probably a good idea. First, of all the women in the world, why Amber Tumbridge?”

  “Did you hear about the incident with the pumpkins and the tank in Oslo? Well, my father had to use diplomatic connections to keep us out of jail. One of the conditions was that we would break up the band, agree to effectively disappear, and become productive members of society. I didn’t think I’d ever see you again, and no other woman made me feel the way you did, and I decided to accept that I’d lost my one chance. So when Amber pounced on me, I considered myself lucky enough. She was pretty, smart, and really nice at first. She kept mentioning how happy my father would be if his company stayed in the family. Her voice was so beautiful that I thought I could listen to it forever. All I heard was the sound of it, not her selfishness, coldness.”

  “Her voice is beautiful,” I said. “Amber Hamm
erhead.”

  “That’s a good rhyme. She had our life planned out—the houses, vacations, clubs, careers, all of it. She wanted me to franchise Manic Quantum Mechanics and change the curriculum to something that wouldn’t get us sued every time a cannonball accidentally crashed through an abandoned grain silo,” he said, brushing my hair back. “But I don’t want to live carefully, and I don’t want a showplace instead of a home. I want a comfortable house where you don’t have to worry if you knock something over with a football. I like couches that are long enough to stretch out on, and I have old LPs and instruments everywhere. My original artwork is by my brother’s children. Amber wanted me to buy art as an investment.”

  “Ellis, you seem to have the delusion that women only want to marry you for your money.”

  “You dated Tony Stark, so I thought you might have expectations.”

  “One, I dated Tony because he can be really funny and because I loved to watch him invent things. I didn’t have to hide who I was with him; in fact he often urged me to come out as a superhuman. We were always working together, and it seemed like a natural component of that relationship.” I realized that I’d often tried colleagues with benefits before. Maybe the fact that I hadn’t gone for Fritz’s offer was a sign of my maturity. “Also, Tony loves fast cars.”

  “I have a fast car.”

  I grinned. “I know, and we’ll be taking that baby out for a spin… and more… later. Back to the subject. Two, I’m more comfortable in jeans than designer gowns. Three, when I have a job, I’m an extremely highly paid attorney. Four, I own a collection of swords and weaponry so priceless that even GLKH accountants couldn’t put a value on it.”

  I pulled him close and shifted. His hands gripped my growing form as my summer dress shredded to reveal my spectacular green body. “And, five, you are my most precious possession, Ellis Tesla.”

  Later, when he was naked, sweaty, and gasping on the ground, I changed back and nestled in his arms. When his breathing normalized, I said, “Ellis, tomorrow we’ve got to go back to the city. What’s next?”

  He wove his fingers in mine. “Because my wedding was canceled on short notice, I wasn’t able to get the refund for the wedding hall. I have the hall and the caterer…”

  “I love you, but I’m not going to marry you so soon!”

  “And I’ve loved you since I saw you dancing by the stage, but my proposal will be more romantic,” he said. “I thought we could use the hall for a banquet and games event. We can have sword fights and an archery contest. Jordy and I have been drawing up designs for a trebuchet that launches casaba melons with a high degree of accuracy. I think it’s time for a reunion of Fringe Theory. We can mix up a batch of Rocket Fuel.”

  “That sounds genius. Genoa and Donner would love it, and Mavis could come for the day events. I’ll invite Ruth from the Mansion, and my friend Rene and his wife love your band—how big is the hall?”

  “It holds four hundred. Less with jousting, flying melons, and a mosh pit. Let’s say one hundred and fifty comfortably, and I’ll invite some of the kids who’ve gone through my school,” he said, “After that, well, I’d scheduled two weeks off for a honeymoon.”

  Jealousy blazed through me. “You want me to go on Amber’s honeymoon?”

  He smiled. “I didn’t even want to go on Amber Hammerhead’s honeymoon. She had us booked at a resort in Latveria, and now I know it was because of Dirtbag Slime Mold Rug Guy.”

  “So what are you thinking?”

  “I’m thinking that you never came with me to Paris when I asked. Gin, will you go with me to Paris?”

  “It depends. Say something dirty to me in French and I’ll take it under advisement.”

  JUNE 14

  It has been six months since I began my Valentine’s Day Resolutions. As the General said, real change requires continual effort. Here is my status report:

  COMPLETE! Got a job as my human self at one of my top dream law firms.

  COMPLETE! Develop friendships and participate in normal activities. Genoa and I are great pals and we are currently drawing up a proposal for Tender Discoveries Legal Historical Theme Park. Fritz, Amy, and Nelson are excited to help with our project. Medieval barbers and pirates!

  REJECTED: Avoid shifting unless urgently required. I pay the dues of being a superhuman, so I’m going to enjoy the perks.

  COMPLETE! Find a boyfriend. He’s sexy, employed, makes me laugh, and I love love love him because he’s OMG! amazing!

  IN PROGRESS! Seek balance in work environment, i.e., have fun and learn how to speak up for myself. I’m confident I’ll get there.

  IN PROGRESS! Find another apartment. Sadly, my record as a tenant has not improved. When Ellis learned how many places I’d destroyed, he suggested that I keep a separate place when I need to get my ya-yas out as She-Hulk, but stay with him when I’m Jen and Gin and Jennifer. When I went to the subterranean lair to shovel out the debris, I discovered that the guest bedroom suite had survived because paranoid Hawkeye had built it as a bomb shelter within a bomb shelter. It’s not ideal, but I’d already been prepared to compromise for a living space. I brought in a mini-fridge and a microwave. I couldn’t ask for better access to the tunnels and secret passageways, giving me an easy escape whenever I need to get to a party or rescue the world.

  Next week, Ellis and I are hosting our first big weekend party, with the reunion of the Fringe Theory. He’s writing new songs. There will be jousting, sword fights, and, yes, catapults and trebuchets launching various types of melons and squash. Food trucks will provide snacks around the clock. Bruce accepted my invitation when he learned that things will explode, kabam! Then we’re going on to Paris, a goal that I was planning to put on next year’s Valentine’s Day Resolution list, so I’m already ahead!

  Karl will be hosting a party for Shulky at his château and doing a photo shoot with her. With me. With us. Rene says I need serious work on my bifurcated personality, but I’m in no hurry. There are some things you can’t put a timeline on.

  QUIRC has decided that they want me back, but Holden is trying to lure me away to head his new division of Alternative Life Form Law, which will represent clones, cyborgs, androids, and robots. It’s extremely tempting, but as I tell my clients, “Consider all your options rather than rushing to make an important decision.” Because life offers more possibilities than you can imagine.

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Marta Acosta is the author of the comic Casa Dracula series, Nancy’s Theory of Style, and Dark Companion, a young adult gothic. She has a degree in creative writing and English and American literature from Stanford University and was a frequent contributor to the San Francisco Chronicle and the Contra Costa Times. She lives in the San Francisco Bay area with her family and rescued dogs.

  www.martaacosta.com

  Copyright

  marvel.com

  TM & © 2013 Marvel and Subs

  All rights reserved. Except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system, without the prior written permission of the publisher. For information address Hyperion, 1500 Broadway, New York, New York 10036.

  The Library of Congress has catalogued the original print edition of this book as follows:

  Acosta, Marta.

  The she-hulk diaries / Marta Acosta.—First edition.

  pages cm

  ISBN 978-1-4013-1101-8

  1. Women heroes—Fiction. 2. Superheroes—Fiction. I. Title.

  PS3601.C67S54 2013

  813’.6—dc23

  2012042184

  eBook Edition ISBN: 978-1-4013-0494-2

  Cover design by Will Staehle

  Original trade paperback edition printed in the United States of America.

  www.HyperionBooks.com