Fairly Wicked Tales

by Hal Bodner

  Kinder and the little woman wept over the tale. The little woman blamed herself for not having placed the virtue of kindness in her departed son as she had done in her other two. Kinder went out for a moment and returned with two shovels. “Come, Simpleton, help me bury our brother.”

  “I cannot,” Simpleton said. “My body is weak from a day’s labor and the hauling of the extra weight of the body to the house.”

  Kinder buried the body alone.

  Simpleton’s story began to spread across the village and many people believed the tree sprite that had killed poor Wiser was none other than the evil sorcerer Marduk whom the King had banished from the castle for stealing the ability to laugh from his daughter. The King sent out a search party to find the villain. Simpleton and Kinder were both hired to help with the search. After many months, the search was abandoned, and Simpleton and Kinder found themselves employed once again as wood cutters.

  The first day back in the forest, Simpleton left his brother at the entrance of the forest and went down by the pond to sit and watch the day pass by. As the sun began to slide off in the west, Simpleton meandered back to the large oak tree. He waited for his brother’s return. Before long, Kinder came struggling back, pulling his wagon, filled so full, it was extremely difficult.

  “Hello, brother,” Simpleton said as he regarded his brother. “You have a heavy load there.”

  “Indeed I do.” He smiled through his strain as he pulled the heavy load. “I figured we would need to double our efforts with one less hand helping us cut since the death of our brother.”

  “True, brother, but remember we also now have one less big mouth and bigger belly to feed.” Simpleton smiled. “Our job should be easier without him.”

  Kinder stopped pulling the wagon and wiped sweat from his furrowed brow. “I cannot believe you would say such a thing.” His face shriveled and tears shone in his eyes. “Wiser worked harder than all of us. He ate more because he earned more to eat.”

  “Easy, brother, I meant no harm by my words. Perhaps I am justifying my lack of wood to show after the day.”

  “You did no cutting?”

  “None,” Simpleton said and watched Kinder’s tears turn to frustration, and then to anger.

  “Why? Why would you come to the woods when our mother is hungry and our very lives hang in the balance and not cut any wood?”

  “Because I have been seeking vengeance for our brother’s death.”

  Kinder shook his head in frustration. “That is a fool’s errand. If the King’s search party could not do so, how can you ever expect to accomplish the task alone?”

  “I did not seek out the villain. He sought me out. He confronted me here and tried to get me to help him to kill the king.”

  Kinder paused for a moment as the words were processed. “He came to you?”

  Simpleton smiled. “He did.”

  “And what did you tell him?”

  Simpleton smiled even broader. “I spoke not a word, but my ax spoke plenty.”

  Astonishment crept onto Kinder’s face and quickly spread. He was shaking with excitement. “You have killed the vermin?”

  Simpleton shook his. “Not yet, but I have injured him and have him cornered.”

  “Where?”

  Simpleton pointed with his ax. “Over there in the hole in the old oak.”

  Kinder instantly moved towards the oak tree. Simpleton moved in step beside him.

  “Do you know the King has offered a reward of twenty pounds of gold for his corpse?” Kinder’s voice crackled with excitement.

  “I know it well.”

  They got to the large oak and Kinder stuck his head into the hole to glimpse the evil wizard. “I see nothing,” he said.

  “Let your eyes adjust. He is there for sure.” Simpleton lifted his ax into the air and allowed the setting sun to gleam off the blade for a moment. The ax caught Kinder at the base of the neck, cutting side down. The blade severed through the skin, tissue, and bone, before falling all the way to embed itself into the soft dirt below. The headless corpse fell on top of the ax and pushed it deeper into the dirt.

  Simpleton moved with deliberate speed to a dense thicket where his own empty wagon had been stashed. He hoisted the headless corpse by the armpits into the wagon. Simpleton then lifted a heavy stone onto the body and strapped the wagon, body, and stone together. With a great shove, Simpleton got the wagon to begin moving. He then directed it down the hill towards the lake. He whistled to himself as he maneuvered the heavy wagon into the water where it immediately sank from view.

  With the easy part accomplished, Simpleton went back to Kinder’s wagon to begin his real day’s work. The wagon was far too full for Simpleton to pull; after all, his arms were not accustomed to such grueling tasks. Instead, he unloaded half of the wood, and hauled the other half to the house.

  Upon seeing his approach, the little woman rushed out to meet him. “Oh Simpleton, thank the gods you are alright. Have you seen your dear brother Kinder?”

  “I have not, mother, but do not fret. Kinder is a resourceful lad and will surely be alright.”

  “I do hope so. I have been so worried.” After these pleasantries were over she looked down at Simpleton’s wagon. “Is this all the wood you could garner from the forest? If so, we will surely starve.”

  Simpleton kissed his mother on the forehead. “This is just my first load. I have another this size, but I could not pull the wagon under such a burden.”

  The little woman smiled. “You are a good lad, Simpleton. You haven’t the strength of your brothers, but you have their will.” With those words, the little woman returned to the house and left Simpleton to stack the wood he had hauled.

  By the time he returned to the forest for the second load, Simpleton was tired and cross. He was in the midst of cursing his brother’s name for having cut more wood than might be reasonably hauled in one trip when he noticed a man leaning against the oak tree where Simpleton had decapitated his brother. “Who are you? Why are you here?”

  “Tell me,” the man said, “do you plan on blaming this murder on me as well?” His face looked young and handsome, but his voice sounded old and crackled with each utterance.

  “What are you talking about?”

  The man smiled. “Don’t play games with me, Simpleton. I watched you kill both of your brothers, and I heard you blame the murders on me.”

  “I didn’t kill my brothers.”

  The man pulled from behind his back the severed head of Kinder. “Sure looks killed to me.”

  Simpleton smiled as the man made a show of looking into the eyes and mouth as doctors are fond of doing. “I didn’t blame the death on you. I blamed it on a tree sprite.”

  “Don’t play stupid with me, boy.” The man tossed the head into the air towards Simpleton. He reached out his arms to catch it, but the head landed gracefully with outstretched wings. It had transformed into a beautiful goose, whose feathers shone of pure gold. Simpleton gawked, enchanted by the beauty. The goose raised its majestic head to the moonlight and snapped its bill on Simpleton’s nose. With a scream, Simpleton dropped the goose and backed away cautiously as the bird hissed and fluffed its feathers at him.

  The man laughed wildly at Simpleton now, slapping his knees in hysterics. “You are such a fool that you could make even the princess laugh.”

  Simpleton, enraged by this demeaning turn of events quickly grabbed a stick, and stood off with the goose. “Tell me why I shouldn’t kill you now and blame you for the deaths of my brothers.”

  “Come on. Simpleton,” the man said. “Surely you have figured things out by now. I am Marduk, a wizard of such great power that you are no match against me, even when you are armed with a snake.”

  The stick in Simpleton’s hands instantly began to squirm. He dropped it to see a large black snake trying to flee the situation it mysteriously found itself in, but the goose showed a bizarre carnivorous nature and plucked the snake up by the head and swallowed the se
rpent in three large gulps.

  “What do you want from me?” Simpleton’s voice was soft and defeated.

  “I only want to make you king.”

  After a long pause, the wizard continued. “The King has promised his daughter’s hand and, subsequently, his throne to any man that can break the curse I put upon her. You will be the one to break the curse.”

  “How can I break the curse?”

  “By bringing her the Golden Goose. You see, the Golden Goose is, you could say, her laughter, her … soul.” The Wizard was now smiling broadly, and his youthful mask cracked under the stress to reveal gray and withered skin.

  Simpleton thought for a moment, and then smiled too. He hated the idea of being under the wizard’s thumb, but seeing the true age of the man gave him confidence that soon Marduk would be dead, and the rule of the kingdom would be left in his hands.

  “Should I go to the King now?” he asked.

  “No. Load your wagon and return home. Start a search party tomorrow for your dear brother. Then join the King’s men to hunt me. You will not find me. After you are dismissed once again from the King’s militia, return to work cutting trees. Start with the old oak, and inside you will find the Golden Goose waiting for you.” With these instructions in mind, Simpleton set to work loading the wagon with the remaining wood.

  That night Simpleton sat at his mother’s side, drinking sour beer, and assuring his mother of Kinder’s inevitable return. At the first rays of sun, Simpleton went into the woods and sat down for a short nap. After waking, he went back to his mother and told her he glimpsed a tree sprite dancing away wearing Kinder’s coat. The old woman sunk into her chair and wept until her heart stopped. Simpleton buried her under a layer of moss and set off to tell his story of Kinder’s death to the King.

  The King and Queen treated Simpleton as a young orphan, cooing over his loss, and Simpleton embraced the sympathy and cried and carried on for the better part of the day. The King hired Simpleton as the chief of the hunting party to find the tree sprite, or Marduk, or whomever the villain might be. The hunt went on through most of the winter, and Simpleton spent his time in a royal cabin giving orders and directing the men as to where to search.

  After many months, the King came to Simpleton and informed him the search must be called off, but the King offered to hire Simpleton on his personal staff, a job highly sought after and deemed a great honor. As tempting as the job was, Simpleton refused. He told the King the forest was his home, and that as long as a possibility existed of finding the killer of his whole family then he would be out searching for him. Over his time working on the King’s hunting party, Simpleton had researched many solutions to his problems. The answer came to him in the form of a sour beer.

  Simpleton returned to the forest with a growler hoisted on his shoulder. Upon seeing him, Marduk stepped out from behind the old oak. “The Golden Goose is in place inside the tree. I’ve placed a binding spell on the bird that will hold anyone other than the first person to touch it. Four people trailing the goose will break the spell on the Princess, but the more people trailing, the more potency will the love spell have on her.”

  Simpleton smiled. “Join me friend, in a celebration toast.”

  The old wizard gave Simpleton a quizzical and suspicious glare. He leaned over and smelled the sour beer as Simpleton ladled the brew into mugs. The wizard raised his glass in prost but did not drink.

  “Prost,” Simpleton said, and then he took a long gulp of the sour beer. He covered his mouth and belched into his hand.

  The old wizard then lifted the beer to his lips and took a hesitant sip. His fingers instantly jerked open, and the mug spilled into the gray dirt. With quivering lips, Marduk stepped back. “What have you done to me?”

  Simpleton took another long drink of the beer. “The beer has a potion in it. One which blocks all magic for a short time.”

  “Fool. Stupid fool.” Marduk said, but the words were muffled by the magic mask melting from his face. His lips, red and plump, cracked and dribbled around the corners of the mouth, revealing black lips, thin and hardened. The firm and proud cheeks sagged and deflated into waves of flapping skin. The beautiful hair fell in clumps to mix with the beer and mud. “I will kill you for exposing me.” The words were barely audible through gasps for breath.”

  Simpleton did not speak when he pulled out the ax from its holster. He lifted the weapon high above his head. Marduk’s old hips gave out and he pitched forward. Simpleton side stepped the falling old man and swung downwards. Where the head parted from the shoulders was a single drop of thick blood.

  Simpleton picked the head up and tossed it into a canvas sack which he pitched into his wagon. Then he went to work on the old oak tree. He did not set out to chop down the tree, but merely to expand the hole which had engulfed his brother’s head many months ago. He instantly heard the goose honking from within. In a matter of minutes, the hole was wide enough to extract its mysterious prize: the foul tempered Golden Goose that was the soul of the princess.

  Simpleton held the goose up with an arm under each of its massive wings. He admired the golden sheen of each feather. The goose hissed and pecked towards his eyes. Simpleton dodged the blow and laid the goose inside a small wooden crate he had brought in the wagon. The goose protested its entrapment and honked endlessly as Simpleton left the forest behind him and pulled his wagon into town.

  Remembering Marduk’s instructions for the curse of the goose, Simpleton stopped for the night at the inn outside of the King’s castle. He parked his wagon on the side of the inn, lifted out the Golden Goose and the burlap sack with Marduk’s head, and entered the dilapidated building. Commotion and chaos echoed through the inn, but as people caught sight of the goose, they stopped what they were doing and stared longingly. Simpleton pretended not to notice. He went to the bar and inquired about a room. After hearing the meager price required, Simpleton plucked a single small feather from the goose’s back and handed it to the innkeeper. “Will this feather of gold be enough to compensate?”

  The innkeeper held the feather to the light and ran his finger along the barbs. His wife scurried up behind him and snatched the feather away to examine it under the oil lamp’s light. She nodded happily. Simpleton followed the innkeeper up the narrow stairway to his tiny room. He thanked the man, set the sack under the bed, and allowed the goose to wander the room while he kicked off his boots and climbed into bed.

  After only a few hours, Simpleton heard the door squeak open. He could see by the dim light that the would be thief was a young girl of about nine. He allowed her to slink across the room and grab at a feather on the goose. She shuddered when her fingers touched the bird, and then remained perfectly still. For several hours the girl remained crouched by the goose. Soon, another girl came to the room desiring the gold herself. When she spotted her sister, she whispered to her. “Miranda, what are you doing?” When her sister did not reply, the older sister came into the room and tapped the girl on the shoulder. There was a spark at the touch, the older sister opened her mouth to scream out, but her eyes glazed over, her mouth slackened, and she stood motionless with her hand on her sister’s shoulder. In the hours just shy of morning, yet another sister entered the room. She did not speak and swiftly grabbed the older sister by the wrist. The same spark momentarily lit the room and was again followed by the same frozen and enchanted look.

  At dawn, Simpleton slid out of bed, edged his way around the three sisters to get his boots on. He looked at them as he tied the leather chords of his boots. Their eyes were a milky white, and their lips a pale and cracked distortion. Their faces were slack as if they’d suffered brain damage. Simpleton smiled and gave the three sisters a sarcastic curtsy. He then fetched the burlap sack and picked up the goose, who was strangely content with the trail of sisters attached to it. As Simpleton worked his way in the tiny room past the sisters, they also moved in stumbling steps to stay connected to the goose and each other. The instant the three sisters
were out of the room, their mother saw them and attempted to yank them away from the goose. She too fell into step behind Simpleton with white eyes and slack features. The innkeeper charged Simpleton as he exited the shabby building. He hit Simpleton once in the belly before brushing against his youngest daughter and instantly succumbing to the spell.

  Simpleton went towards the castle, but on the way several townspeople came into contact with one of the trailing cursed. By the time he reached the castle’s gates a dozen had fallen under the spell. Almost instantly the gatekeepers and royal guards joined the mass. It was then that the princess, a woman of enchanting beauty, came to the window and observed the trail of cursed. Her mournful, emotionless face cracked into a smile. The goose honked. The princess heaved a coughing chuckle. The goose honked again. The princess began to laugh uncontrollably. As she laughed the trailing victims of the goose began to fall lifeless to the grass in the Royal Garden. As each one fell dead, the louder and harder the princess laughed until only Simpleton and the Golden Goose were alive in the Garden, surrounded by piles of dead peasants and guards.

  The King came to the window to see what and who had cured his daughter of the horrible curse which had besieged her for many years. Upon seeing the King, Simpleton pulled the head of Marduk from his sack and declared the villain to be finally slain. Overjoyed by Simpleton’s accomplishments, the King immediately arranged for a celebration. While the people of the land mourned the many deaths of the townspeople, the royalty celebrated the death of Marduk, the curing of the princess, and her joyful engagement to the woodsman Simpleton.

  Rumors have since floated through the town the old King’s death after the wedding may not have been accidental as reported, and that King Simpleton’s reign was tainted with black magic. Regardless, he lived happily ever after.

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